Chapter 27

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Lia found Brian and Ben in the exact same place she had the day before and doing the exact same thing; looking at plans.

Lia called out a hello as she reached the top of the stairs and then launched right In with introductions. "Brian, these are my brothers, Leo, Liam, and Lawson, and my father Larry Haven. They were eager to meet you and have a high regard for your company. They're in the lumber business."

Brian gave them a friendly smile and shook hands all around before turning back to the plans. "Have a look at these Lia, tell me what you think." He pushed the plans in her direction.

She moved to stand next to Ben, placing herself much closer to him than she needed to be, while Huck sat on his feet. She had the thought that they were smothering him with their need to be near him, but he didn't move away. She peeked up at him and her eyes met his, but she wasn't sure what she read in them.

"I took all of your ideas and plugged them in, and they look great. However, there is this extra space in the basement that needs to be turned into something. I mentioned storage space, but Ben didn't like the idea." Brian pointed to a spot on the plans that was in one corner of the basement.

"I agree with Ben, if you make the room for junk you tend to collect junk, and after all of the junk I cleaned out of the attic and basement, I'm hesitant to make room for more." She studied the plans, her arm brushing Ben's as she spun them a little.

"I would turn it into an efficiency apartment. You can put a door where the window is, here," her arm brushed across the front of Ben's chest as she pointed, "you have the fireplace to give it charm, and you add a bathroom here." She pointed to an odd corner that was smaller than the other part of the space. It can be a rental, for guests, or an office for Ben if the attic plan doesn't work." She spun the plans back around and watched as Ben and Brian started studying them.

"Anytime you want to give up nursing and design for me, you let me know, I'll have a job for you." Brian gave her a charming grin, and if she wasn't already in love with Ben she would have fallen in love with him on the spot.

"Thanks!" she grinned back. "It's nice to have a fallback plan." She tugged Huck's leash and he stood with a groan. "Do you mind if my family pokes around?" she asked Ben and Brian. They nodded their agreement and she told them all to have fun.

What she needed was some air. It was becoming difficult to be near Ben. Lia left them all as they surrounded the plans, wandering down the stairs and across the street to the bench in the square. Huck joined her with his classic spin and groan as he settled down.

What she really wanted to know was if she affected Ben as much as he affected her. He was like an illness that seemed to be getting worse. It was almost to the point that she couldn't control herself when he was around. Lia had the sudden vision of herself jumping him, she went through all of the different reactions he could possibly give, and she had to smile as she envisioned him taking the prudish route like some Victorian maiden.

"What are you smiling about?" Ben asked, making her jump. He pushed Huck over and sat, squashed between the two of them, which was alright with Lia.

"It's silly," Lia shook her head.

"I could do with some silly right now." He leaned back with his legs spread in front of him.

"I was picturing myself jumping you and wondering what you would do if I did," she said baldly. Perhaps she wanted to shock him back into the Ben she knew so he wouldn't be the quiet, morose man that now sat next to her.

His eyes grew wide, and he turned to look at her. "And that's funny?"

"I had time to come up with all of your possible responses to my attack."

"Attack? How exactly were you planning on jumping me, were there weapons involved? What kind of kink are you into, not that I'm totally against it but-"

She punched his arm. "In the last scenario, I had you acting like a prudish old maid, pushing me away and trying to hold your torn shirt together." She knew her mind was a crazy place, but at his continued silence she realized she should have kept her crazy hidden. "I overshared my crazy. That seems to be a problem I have with you lately."

"No, I'm a writer with stranger thoughts than that." He shook his head, ignoring her last part of that statement.

"Then why are you so quiet, did I embarrass you?" she asked softly. Looking at her feet, afraid to look at him

He smiled, but she missed it. "No, but I needed a minute to run through a few scenarios of my own, and for the record, I couldn't find a prudish one among them."

Lia felt herself blush, but it didn't keep her from asking her question. "Just out of curiosity, what would you do if I jumped you?" She peeked up at him, noting the smile that was still playing around his lips.

"Is this for future reference?" he asked.

"Perhaps," she said, "but what would you do, really?"

"I would hold on tight Lia, that's what I would do." There was something in the way he said her name that made her toes curl.

"You promise?" she whispered.

"If you ever change your mind, I don't think I would be able to stop myself. The only thing controlling me now is you don't want me so I'm keeping my distance."

"Don't want you!" Lia shook her head. She debated a moment, and then she picked up his hand and held it to her chest, just above her heart. "Do you feel that Ben? That's just because you're sitting next to me. Saying no to you is becoming harder and harder to do."

He removed his hand and balled it into a fist. "Then why are you fighting it so hard?"

"Because," she took a shaky breath. One of them needed to take a leap if there was ever going to be a chance for them, and she didn't think that Ben knew how to leap.

"Because?" he asked softly. His entire body was tense as he waited for her next words.

"Because I'm in love with you Ben. There's nothing I can do about it, but I know if we made love..." she couldn't finish that thought. It would be wonderful and scary, and when he left it would kill her.

He didn't say anything, but he let out a deep shaky breath of his own as if it was something that he needed to hear.

"My marriage wasn't a happy one-"

"You don't have to tell me, Ben, it doesn't matter, none of it," Lia insisted, and she was caught off guard when he placed a finger to her lips to silence her. The press of the finger against her lips turned into a caress as he stared at her lips.

Eventually, he blinked and removed his finger, turning away from her slightly. "It does matter, I want you to know where I'm coming from. I don't want you to think that I'm heartless."

Lia shook her head in denial, but he held up his hand to stop her from speaking.

"Ilianna always wanted me to be someone I wasn't, and I became a shell of who I was, trying to meet her demands. When I finally realized what was happening and started to get my life back, she lashed out in as many ways as she could; drinking, men, gambling, spending money, the sad fact is that she had already spent her inheritance by the time she had died. There was nothing left. If there had been, I would have gladly given it to Butler."

He turned back towards her. "I wasn't what she wanted, she tried to change me, and it almost ate me alive. I can't do that again. I had a fight with her the night she died, she was alive when I left and went to a friend's house where I stayed the night. When I got home the next day, my friend was with me, and we found the body together. I honestly think she did it to herself, or it was an accident. I knew about the baby only because the police told me, but it wasn't mine, it couldn't be because I hadn't touched her in almost a year."

He rubbed his face. "The bit about Chris being the father was new, but who knows if that was true, or if Trinity knew about it if it was. There is no point in asking her now, it would only hurt her, and it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other." He lapsed into silence.

"Why are you telling me this Ben? What do you want me to say to you right now?" Lia asked leaning forward. She was glad that he had trusted her enough to tell her, but she had the feeling it was the start of a rejection.

"I'm honored that you feel that way for me."

"I love you, Ben. At least do me the courtesy of accepting the fact, even if you can't return the feeling."

"I'm honored that you love me, and heartbroken that I can't...that I can't let you."

"Let me? That ship has sailed. I'll do exactly as I please Ben, and I choose to love you."

"I wish you wouldn't waste your time on me. It won't be worth it in the end."

"You make it sound like it's a choice Ben, it's not." She stood up and looked down at him. "I want to say this then we'll forget this conversation ever happened. Ilianna never loved you. Love is not trying to change someone, it's accepting the good, bad, and ugly, and trust me when I say you have plenty of all three, and despite the fact that you are now telling me to shove off and breaking my heart, I still love you." She couldn't hold back the tears anymore and she turned and walked back towards the house, leaving Huck with Ben. She needed some time by herself. Some time to cry and then compose herself so that she could act like nothing was wrong.

It's what was expected, she was supposed to be happily engaged after all.

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