It wasn't long before the trips became routine.
When school let out, Aly would drive me into Mason's neighborhood each afternoon without raising one question. I didn't open my mouth to explain and she never pressed me for answers. Tuesday's I helped with laundry, dishes on Wednesday's. On Thursday's, we took walks through the neighborhood.
We took our time, only circling the block the first day. It would be awhile before she built up enough stamina for anything more.
When the sun became a half circle on the horizon, my time there was over. I looked out for Aly's Volkswagen, hoping to spot it before a red Camry appeared in the driveway.
Except on Friday, I didn't.
I was on the way out of his house, closing the screen door behind me when I nearly crashed into him.
"Kaya."
His hands reached out to steady me, and I landed right in his arms. I didn't look him in the face, but I didn't pull away either.
"Mason," I said.
"What are you doing here?" I noticed that he hadn't let go.
"I was just...I came to see your mom." I had to tell him the entire truth. He'd caught me in his own home. "I've been seeing her for a while actually. To help, because of her heart condition."
He searched my face, trying to find a hidden answer it seemed. But I wasn't here for him, and it took him a moment to realize.
"Oh," he dropped his hands. "Thanks."
"You don't have to thank me. I figured she might be lonely with you gone after school, and she can't move around like she used to."
I stared over his shoulder at the empty road.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't see a reason to. We don't talk, Mason."
I looked back to him then, to see that his eyes were glazed over, settled directly on me. It was in this moment that I realized I couldn't move. His gaze held me, trapped on this front porch.
"I should go-"
I had barely stepped forward when his hand reached out. The air trapped in my lungs retreated as he raised his palm, and pressed it against my face.
"I miss you," he said with a gentle caress. I struggled against myself as my eyelids fought to flutter closed.
A bird squawked nearby. I followed the sound to find the creature landing on the twisted branch of a tree which sat in the front yard.
This isn't right.
My left shoulder burned, feeling as though the ink of my tattoo were melting into my skin.
"Please don't fight me Kaya. You don't understand how hard it's been for me to leave you alone," his other hand reached for mine.
I jumped away from him, but I was too slow. My body caved inwards, on its own.
The bird cried out, a desperate frightened sound. Perched on the branch, it's black beaded eyes pleaded with me.
Fly away. Flee.
It watched me with a gaze unfaltering.
"Mason I can't."
My words fell to a whisper as tears gathered in the corners of my eyes.
I felt a finger on my face, wiping the edges.
"Don't, please" my face fell into the palm of his hand. "Please."
I felt his breath graze my eyelashes. My jaw slackened as my mouth parted, trying to inhale.
My body was on the verge of a withdrawal. I had no choice but to give myself the lethal injection.
He kissed me, filling my veins with his poison. I'd gone so long without, I was no longer immune. The effects were amplified as though it were the first time. I took him in. All of him.
I was afraid to stop.
He held me with a strangers hands. I wasn't familiar with a touch so careful. He handled me as though I were porcelain. Breakable.
But it was a useless effort.
I'd already broken.
***
The gravel of the driveway cried underneath the rubber tires as we pulled up to my house. I faced the window, away from him, although it didn't matter. We were encompassed by darkness, reminding me of a thousand moments before. But this time was different. It wasn't him who I was afraid of.
The hum of the engine cut off as he turned the key in the ignition.
"Why did you let me kiss you?" he asked.
I unfastened my seatbelt, and pulled on the door's latch. He didn't make a move to stop me, though his question lingered.
I turned back to him. Without a second more to change my mind, I said, "I want to show you something."
I looped my key ring around my finger and started towards my front door. His footsteps delayed, trailing a few feet behind.
I walked into the house, leading the way towards my bedroom. Twisting the knob, I opened the door to let him through before pressing it shut with my body. I leaned my forehead against the white painted wood, and bit down on my lip.
The air was still and quiet as the two of us remained motionless. I took a breath and pulled at the edge of my shirt, lifting it straight up and over my shoulders. With my exposed back to him, I unfastened my bra and let it fall.
I pulled my arms around myself to guard against the cool air which prickled goosebumps all over my body.
"You asked me why I let you kiss me. Maybe you can answer that question." My voice broke as I pressed my eyes shut. "Maybe you can tell me why I let you do this too."
The history of our relationship was written all over my flesh. A map of scars which led the path from start to finish. Some spots had healed, but there were remaining landmarks - shades of blue and purple, faint yet traceable.
I felt his presence closing me in from behind.
"Why, Mason?"
His touch snaked down my back, burning a scalding trail through a path of unhealed wounds. He revisited each place again and again without reaching satisfaction. He couldn't stop, and I couldn't stop him. Neither of us stood a chance against the force that held us in this vicious cycle.
"I don't know what's wrong with me Kaya," he said, placing his head against my shoulder. "I have a problem."
He muttered against my skin. "I'm just so fucked."
I couldn't turn around without exposing my bare front, so I held onto the doorknob to keep myself grounded. This way I couldn't reach out to him.
"I never deserved you," he said.
I craned my neck to meet his tear-struck eyes. The grey oceans threatened to pull me under, ferocious waves lapping. He touched my shoulder and cupped his hand around it.
I waited for him to ask about the tattoo, but all he did was trace the design.
"No," I said back. "You don't."
His touch broke away from me, and I heard his footsteps retreat. Seconds later, her I felt a warm blanket around my shoulders. I pulled the ends across my chest as he turned me around.
The tears on his face had dried. Looking up at him, I felt smaller than before. The distance between us was almost nonexistent, and I didn't dare make the next move.
But, before either of us had the chance, there came a knock from the front door, startling me away from him.
I crossed over to the window, and drew back the curtains. From down below, Chase's truck was parked on the curb. With my back to Mason, I grabbed my hoodie off my desk chair, and pulled it over my head.
"I'll be right back," I said, shutting the door behind me.
I reached the bottom of the stairs before he could knock again, and pulled the door open.
"Chase, hey," I said, folding my arms.
"Hey, Kay."
He took the opportunity to step inside before I could stop him.
"Um, what's up?" I asked, taking a stand in front of the stair case.
He sighed and ran a hand through his already-disheveled locks. He seemed far away, as his eyes traveled about the room. I wasn't sure how to tell him that now wasn't the best time for a visit.
"A lot actually," he said. "I just got off the phone with my mom. She's making plans to move up north this summer. Chicago."
I put a hand to my chest. "Oh wow. Chase, I'm sorry."
"She wants me to come with her."
"What? Why?"
"She's afraid she won't have enough time with me before I head off to college. And, since I'll be staying down here anyway, what's a summer gonna hurt?"
"So...what are you going to do?"
He shrugged. "That's what I came to you for. What do you think I should do?"
"I-I don't know. I just don't understand why she has to go away so soon? Didn't she just rent out an apartment last month?"
"God, I wish I knew. She always felt like she was stuck here because of my dad. When aunt Helen and our cousins went north, she felt like she'd lost a part of herself. They're her only family left, and now that the divorce is being finalized, I guess there's nothing holding her back anymore."
I gave a wordless nod, afraid I wouldn't be any help to him now. I'd been cruising down a completely different course before he showed up, and threw me onto another. In this moment, I had to think fast before the two tracks collided. But, my mind was too slow, and my bedroom door creaked open without warning. I flinched at the sound of his footsteps coming to investigate the scene. Within a second, Mason was above me on the stairs.
I watched Chase's eyes grow dark as his shadow appeared over me. I looked away as he scoffed.
"I'm sorry. Bad timing. I didn't know you had company," he said with accusation strung between his words.
And of course with good reason. We were broken up, as far as he knew. Even that, I didn't tell him to his face.
"It's cool," Mason said. "I'm about to head out, so she's all yours."
"No, I'll go." Chase turned his back towards us. "You were here first."
I didn't make a move to stop him as he departed. I watched him climb into his truck, and start the engine.
Then, he was gone.
Mason stepped down and came in front of me. I was already forming excuses in my head for questions he wasn't asking. For once the air wasn't heavy with tension thick enough to suffocate me. I looked at him, but he wasn't looking at me. His eyes were still on the door.
"That guy hates me doesn't he?" He asked.
"Chase? No, no he doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate anyone."
At least that wasn't his word of choice.
"You two were never exactly on good terms," I continued.
"Yeah well..," Mason shook his head. He started over, "I was only an asshole to him because I thought he wanted you."
There it was again. The same accusation that I'd heard from Rachel, Aly and everyone else.
"He didn't Mason. Even after we broke up, he never tried anything. He has a girlfriend now. Why is it so hard to understand that we're just friends? Nothing more."
"I know, I know. I should've listened to you. I was just so afraid that someone else would take you away from me. Someone that would treat you better. God knows how badly I fucked up."
I stared at the ground.
"Anyway, like I said, I'm leaving. Thanks for everything you've been doing to help my mom. I'll see you."
"Bye."
He left me to my lingering thoughts. I couldn't catch any of them as they danced around in my head, making me dizzy.
I sat down on the stairs, and pressed a hand to my temple in hope that the room would stop spinning.
I'd fallen down the rabbit hole, like Alice, never to escape. Nothing was making sense in this mad world that was my own mind.
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