"Three dollars and fifty cents is your change," I grabbed the receipt as soon as the machine spit it out and handed it to the customer, "Have a good night."

There was a thump beside me as a cluster of books landed on the counter. Jennie slid them over to me and tucked a strand of choppy black hair behind her studded ear.

"The returned," she muttered with a tired sigh before returning back to her own errands. With a sigh, I rummaged through the heap and set them beneath the desk, making a mental note to take care of them later. We were only minutes away from closing and only few stray shoppers remained. I discretely slipped my phone out of the pocket of my jeans to check the time. It was five of nine and I prayed that Mason would actually arrive promptly that night. Within the past few weeks, he'd made a habit of picking me up a second priority to his own evening activities. Yet, it was he who demanded that I not ride with anyone else; and that I should be grateful he was kind enough to carve time out of his schedule for me.

Only a few more of paychecks and I'd no longer have that to deal with such troubles.

Jennie returned to my side to secure her register.

"You got closing tonight?" she asked, already having assumed my answer as she pulled her jacket over her small arms. I nodded, surrendering to the fact that my mind had been made for me. I reached for the telephone and brought it to my mouth. My voice broadcasted throughout the entire store.

"Budget Books will now be closing. Our doors will reopen at nine o clock tomorrow morning. Thank you for shopping."

I left the register and started down the aisles before last-minute shoppers could come rushing towards me with apologies . With a sigh, I got down on both knees and began sliding scattered books back into their designated places.

It didn't take more than ten minutes to cover floor the of the store. After all, we were just a little shop tucked into the corner of the mall. It was rare moments like these that I appreciated the Barnes and Nobles business down on the other wing. Sure the competition stood in the way of my ownership of a car, but I'd rather be sweeping the floors here than returning home at 11 pm to close out night shifts.

After shutting down, I started for the back exit. The wind attacked as soon as I crossed through the doors. It carried a dust of pebbles over the vacant lot.

His red Camry was nowhere in sight.

My hand itched for my phone, but I knew it would be of no use. It would only leave me feeling both foolish and cold.

"Why Mason?" I whispered to the air. It was a rhetorical question that I already knew the answer to. Still, I wondered, clinging with hopeless desperation that maybe he'd have a change of heart. I wanted to believe that he wasn't so terrible to purposely find ways to hurt me.

The wind accelerated, leaving my body trembling beneath my unsuitable clothes. I pulled my fleece-clad arms together and dipped back under the outer roof to the store. A metal bench sat to the left of the sliding doors, and I didn't hesitate to occupy it. With shaky hands, I slid my phone from my pocket to see if he'd at least bothered to leave a text.

He hadn't.

The screen announced the time of 9:12, which meant that it wouldn't be long before my parents contacted me. I bit down on my dry bottom lip as I held the device in my hands, my fingers hovering above his name. For a second I contemplated on dialing Chase or Aly.

Mason wouldn't take too kindly to my leaving without him, but it was a school night and a barely begun physics assignment and literature essay awaited my return back in my room.

I continued to bounce my knee up and down, trying to accumulate an abundance of body heat. My hands were nearly frozen to the keyboard as I tapped them back and forth to prevent frostbite. The temperature didn't usually travel below forty, but this night just happened to hold the unusual degrees of twenty-eight.

9:15.

In the split second my eyes grasped a gaze of the time, an array of white filtered through the darkness, blinding me temporarily. I wanted to hold a hand to my eyes and ears as the splintering sound of tires tore against against the gravel. When my eyes adjusted to the beaming headlights, I caught his silhouette in the front seat. Without hesitation, my numbing feet managed to carry me over to the passenger side.

I clasped the red handle and pulled it open, refusing to meet his gaze as I settled in the seat. He didn't greet me with an apology or an excuse. He didn't even part his mouth to ask how the shift had gone. He simply put the car back into drive with a tug on the gear, and inched his foot onto the accelerator.

The chorus of some mainstream pop tune occupied the silence for us. The thought of opening my mouth didn't even cross my mind. I didn't dare cram another fight I couldn't win into my schedule for the night.

My body eventually returned to homeostasis as we crossed out of the city and onto the highway. A foggy exterior concealed any view out of the windows. Without thinking I lifted my index finger to trace a pattern. I felt his eyes on me as I traveled a string of loops across the cold glass.

He still had yet to utter a word as I let my hand drift from the window. The outline of a simple heart allowed the only glimpse of the outside. Through my scrawled work of art I watched as my neighborhood came to view. With a quick glance to the clock above the radio, I caught it just in time for it to flicker to 9:30.

We stopped.

"Thanks," I said, speaking the first word of the night. He relaxed in his seat and pressed a hand to his head. I nodded in silence, surrendering to the fact that he wasn't in the mood for talking tonight and reached for the handle.

The click of the locks startled me.

"Hold it."

I turned my face to him, but his eyes remained peering though the large window. I swallowed back my anxiety. I hadn't done a thing to provoke him, or at least if I had, then I wasn't aware.

"Yes?"

"We should talk."

The gears clicked as he inched them into park.

"About what, Mason?"

"I don't know. You, me..." He still wouldn't look in my direction. "Us?"

I waited for him to continue. His lip curved upwards on the side, forming the beginnings of a smile.

"You know that I love you right?"

I knew too well.

"I do."

"I don't think so," he finally turned his attention on me. "The way you look at me sometimes...it's like you can't. Kaya, baby..."

He shifted towards me with an open hand. I held his gaze, sucking in a breath through my opened mouth. Although, I knew he wouldn't touch me, my body tensed; too familiar with past experiences. A victim's instinct after being preyed on for too long. The sudden lowering of his eyebrows wiped any remnants of smile off his face. He pulled back his hand.

"Sometimes I hate myself just as much as you do."

"I don't hate you Mason."

These words were true. I couldn't hate him. It was physically an emotionally impossible.

"You don't love me."

If only he was are of how painfully wrong he was.

"Mason." I clasped his hand which rested on the shoulder of my seat. "I do love you. I do."

He blinked his brown lashes.

"Mason please," I rubbed a hand down his harsh, even jaw. "I don't know where this is coming from, or what this is about. I just-"

"How can you say that shit?" His voice rose suddenly, "After all I've done, how can you honestly believe that? I don't even fucking believe it!"

I sat forward in my seat, looking around hopelessly. His jaw clenched and unclenched as he struggled with his own temper. All I could do was wait for his next action. I didn't dare release the locks. His knuckles turned red as his hands tightened around the steering wheel.

"Just get out."

My hand searched in a desperate struggle through the dark for handle. It gave as I exerted a gentle tug. The cold rushed in at first chance and filled the vehicle with it's bitter chill.

I stepped a foot out, hesitating with urge the to back turn around.

"I said go!"

He needn't to repeat the command as I forced the door closed and stumbled up front steps to my home. While, shifting the key in the locks, I caught the distant trace of a shout.

My head whipped around to find his Camry still in its place. He fought against some unseen force inside. My gaze remained obstinate and awestruck as he hammered his fist against the wheel, releasing a chorus of pent-up frustration. The shadow of his hands clawed through his head, tugging at the strands over and over again. I didn't know whether to keep watching the horrific scene or go into the house as I was instructed. I didn't dare move until it came to an abrupt end.

I twisted the knob open and placed myself behind the door. The porch light alerted my sudden movement. As I positioned the door to shut, I peered in his direction once more. Through the narrow opening, I could still see the outline of his car. He was motionless in the dark, waiting as well as I.

I pressed my weight against the door, closing it shut. Before I could take another step, the sound of his engine filtered in leaving a trail of tires down the road. I paused to release a breath that I hadn't even realized I was holding. Then, as I slid to the ground, I shut him away and emptied my mind for the first time in a while. I didn't think about what I'd just witnessed, nor the earlier events of the night. I vacuumed away his phrases, his contradictions, his hands, his threats. I erased them all with in a simple moment to catch my breath. I dropped my armor, exposing my full vulnerablity for one simple second.

There was no ounce of strength left in my body to fight and there was no one there to witness.

***

"Not the silver garland, the gold. Yes...yes I'm still here, pardon me I was speaking to my daughter. Kaya did you hear me?"

With a nod, I wheeled the metal cart over to the next aisle and grabbed the first box of gold I could find. My mother's voice drifted closer as she continued her phone conversation while simultaneously pinning me with instructions. I followed her commands towards the tensile, a package of bulbs, and a stash of crimson ribbons on the way towards checkout.

"No not yet," my mother's arm whipped out in front of me. "We're barely done."

I redirected my path, following fluid as her hand guided me back towards Christmas Wonderland. I situated the cart beside a wall of ornaments as she began drowning it with all types of radiant objects. While she was distracted with her conversation of uh huh's and frequent nods, I took the opportunity to wander a short distance away. My feet carried me through the influx of season shoppers, towards a more isolated area where I wouldn't have to worry about fighting my way through.

I scanned through shelves of notebook paper and office tools until finally taking notice of the objects stashed in a heap on the bottom row. I bent down to gather one in my hands, memorizing the feel of the leather binding as I traced it with the tips of fingers. The pages, I found when I flipped through, were completely blank omitting the restrictions of horizontal lines. It left the imagination open for not only words, but pictures as well; images which now held the freedom to be poured out somewhere safe and sacred.

This was it.

I couldn't care less about the various clothing brands I was destined to find under the tree on Christmas morning. Nor, the money filled envelopes in my stocking with giftcards to the places previously mentioned. If there was only one gift waiting for me this year, I would pray that it be this one. I hadn't even bothered with a list, knowing that my family wouldn't follow it anyway. Mom always insisted that she knew me better than myself. Every year I'd surely find an addition of items waiting to be unwrapped that I never even asked for. It was only natural that I'd expect so this year, which is why I hadn't asked for anything. The one thing that I truly desired didn't come with a price tag.

Until now.

"Kaya?"

I placed the book back into the basket as Mom's voice carried towards me.

"Coming."

I found her with the overflowed cart back in the main aisle. The phone was no longer connected to her ear, I noticed, as I stepped forward to help her.

"Did you see something that you'd like?" she asked as we found a place a register. I nodded, inching up the cart after a customer surrendered his place in line.

"How much was it?" she asked as if the price mattered.

"Probably about seven or so."

She squinted her eyes at my words.

"Seven...ty?"

I withheld a chuckle.

"No Mom. Seven dollars. Then again, it could be five."

This puzzled her even more. She blinked a few times before opening her mouth to ask, "What is it exactly that you were looking at?"

"A journal."

She remained paused, as if she were waiting for me to continue with more. My silence told her otherwise, as I began to unload the items once the counter was clear. Her mouth opened to say something, but was interrupted as the check-out clerk asked for payment. With a sigh, she began rummaging through her Louis Vuitton to retrieve her Chase Sapphire card. After a good minute, she found what she was looking for and placed the wallet down with a click of tongue at me.

"If that's what you really want..."

"It is. I'm postive."

She didn't flinch at the cost that appeared onscreen, and gave her card a quick swipe through the machine. I watched as she traced her signature across the impossible screen flawlessly and hooked the pen back in its place.

She gave me one more nervous glance as she pocketed her card before reaching for the bags.

"I just hope you won't be disappointed, Kaya."

"I won't be."

For the first time in a while, I was completely confident about one of my choices.

If only, I could say the same about the rest of my life.