NINETEEN

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I got it. With less than twelve hours left before Christmas morning, I finally figured out what I was getting Chase. After all, I felt bad for missing out on so much time with him. I was too busy worrying about myself for these past few weeks to even consider how he was feeling. Hopefully this gift would make up for it. I headed to the register with the USB in hand. The cost came to twenty which was the exact amount that I'd brought with me.

I payed and headed back to the parking lot, where Dad's car sat. I carefully opened the door, making sure not to scratch it against the adjacent car. It was only after I'd begged thousand times that he finally gave me the keys. I didn't need to give him a reason to never let me drive again.

I drove home in one piece despite the holiday traffic. As soon as I was inside, I headed down to the basement, and straight for the television set. The bottom shelve housed a row of dvd's, but I still didn't see what I wanted. I pulled open the double doors which enclosed the dvd player and VCR. There were only a few tapes on the side, but none of them were even close to what I was looking for. They were marked with titles that only fit home-made videos. My first baby steps, first birthday-party, my...birth? I tucked that tape away as quickly as possible.

Damn it, where were they? I knew we had a collection of movies down here somewhere. I leaned down farther, and peered inside. There it was. A cardboard box sat behind the movie players. I sat forward on my knees, and inched the VCR onto the carpet, with the DVD player sitting atop of it. Breathing in, I was almost suffocated by the wave of dust that filtered out. Struggling through a coughing fit, I dragged the box out, and closed the doors behind me. The box was filled to the top of tapes still clothed in their covers. I navigated through them, picking out every kind of suspense/thriller that I could find.  In the end, I came up with a set of ten. I arranged the tapes back to their original places, and carried the leftovers upstairs.

Around nine o clock, I was finally finished with his gift. The conversion took about four hours in total. I hooked the usb to a keychain, and tied a blue ribbon through the loop. Next, I folded his card into and envelope and placed them both into a four by four cardboard box, and wrapped it in snowflake paper. With a black sharpie, I addressed the box to him, and signed my name underneath.

I went downstairs, and placed it under the Christmas tree.

"Kaya?"

I turned around to find Aaron at the bottom of the stairs, in pajamas.

"Aren't you supposed to be heading to bed soon?" I asked. He shrugged, and walked over to the couch, taking a seat.

"What's the point. It's not like I believe in Santa anymore."

"Of course not," I said, sitting next to him. "So what's the reason you're still up for?"

"Don't know. Can't sleep."

I nodded, and sat back. The lights on our tree glistened like the stars outside. It was a clear night, and for once, I could actually pick out the constellations if I wanted. If we owned a fireplace, it would be a blaze, and all of the deafening silence would be masked by the humming flames and a holiday record. I hated that the only audible sound was the two of us breathing. It beat the crinkling of papers that could usually be heard from Mom's office. For once she'd put her work to rest, and was upstairs in the room with Dad.

"It doesn't feel like Christmas Eve," Aaron commented. It was like he took the words right out of my head. I wanted to know his reason.

"Why not?"

"It just..doesn't."

"But, aren't you excited about all the gifts you'll get tomorrow? Imagine how great those will be."

Although the thought momentarily lit up his eyes, it was short-lived. "Yeah," he said. "Kind of."

"But?"

He scratched through his head. His hair was touching the top of his ears, and I was surprised Dad hadn't cut it yet. It made my him look older.

"But, it still doesn't feel like Christmas. We don't even bake cookies anymore."

Everything he said was right. Things weren't like they used to be, but I was used to it. The Christmas spirit died the year I turned thirteen. Maybe Aaron wasn't there yet, but hearing him talk about it, only warned me that his day was coming.

Maybe the Grinch wasn't a myth after-all. I've still yet to get my old Christmas spirit back. Our family was never the type to sit around the tree, and sing of holiday cheer  in the first place, but it never felt like this. When Christmas came around, Mom smiled a lot more, and Dad didn't yell so much. We'd tune in to our favorite Christmas movies if we happened to catch them on ABC, and we'd always have a fresh batch of cookies in the oven. But, this year was different. I didn't even follow my tradition with Chase. We didn't watch one single 25 Days episode.

"Well," I said to Aaron. "Maybe it will feel like Christmas tomorrow. I'll steal some cookies from Chase's house when I visit. Will that make you happy?"

A smile started at the corner of his mouth. "Depends on how much you bring."

I ruffled his hair. "You'll have to wait in see."

He made a face, and fixed his hair back in place. I stood up from the couch. "I don't know about you, but I'm gonna head upstairs. G'night."

I heard the tv turn on as I left. "Night," he called back.

I went back into my room and clicked off my light. But, before I reached my bed, I stopped. Mason's gift. It was still behind my closet doors. I screamed at myself to leave it there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I picked it up out of my closet and carried it to my nightstand, right beside my bed. It would be the first thing I opened tomorrow morning. I didn't want to open it in front of my family downstairs, because only God knows what it was. The hard part would be going to sleep with it staring directly at me.

I climbed under the covers and faced the opposite way.

Tomorrow.

***

It was gone.

I wasn't even halfway out of the bed, but I realized that  it wasn't there. I threw my covers off, and got down on my knees, checking behind the stand. Could it have fallen? I checked below my bed, on the sides of my bed, the space between the wall and my bed.

Where the hell did it go?

This was impossible, because I put it right there!

"Damn it!"

Footsteps sounded outside of my door. It inched open, and my mother peeked an eye through. "What's going on in here, are you alright?"

I folded my arms over my chest as she sauntered in, clad in a red robe. "No I'm not alright. I lost his gift."

"Who's gift?"

"Mason's! I put it right there!" I pointed at the stand. She sighed.

"Kaya, I'm sure you just misplaced it-"

"I don't want to hear that Mom!" For some reason I was close to tears. "I just want to find it. I need to find it."

She walked over, and placed a hand on my back. It was the closest thing I'd gotten to comfort from her in a long time. She was hesitant as she rubbed her hand in a circle. "Don't worry about it," she said. "I'm sure it will turn up. Come downstairs, your father's made breakfast."

I leaned my head into her shoulder, as I released a sob, and walked with her downstairs.

"Merry Christmas," my dad said as we joined him and Aaron in the kitchen. I pulled my face together for the sake of resisting questions. It wasn't like Dad really noticed anyway. He was too busy pouring eggnog into his mug and humming off-key to the music emitting from the radio. I took a seat across from Aaron, who had already cut into his pancakes. I helped myself to two pieces of bacon and a few spoonfuls of scrambled eggs. I didn't really want to eat it, but it was rare to have my whole family eating breakfast at the table. Actually, it never really happened at all. I couldn't waste the opportunity.

As we ate, Mom laid out the activities for the day. After breakfast, we'd get the house ready for grandma who would be making an appearance sometime between noon and three. When she arrived we'd open presents, and probably watch a couple movies. While the movies are on, I'd help her and my grandma in the kitchen as they prepared dinner. A few other relatives would drop in for the meal, we'd exchange final gifts before visiting the McCaugh's.

I was already tired, just listening to her. Once, I finished my breakfast, I started to head back upstairs, but Aaron tugged on my arm before I could go.

"Mason was here last night" he said. My breath caught in my throat.

"H-huh?"

"He knocked on the door after you went to bed. I told him you were sleeping, but he came in anyway." Thank God my parents were busy clearing the plates right now. I didn't want them to hear this.

"What did he want Aaron? Where'd he come in here?"

"I-I didn't really see. I didn't want to get in his way, so I hid in the bathroom. I thought he went to see you."

That meant that he was in my room. Oh my god, that's what happened to the gift. That must be it, it's the only logical explanation. I didn't know what came over me, but just the thought that he was so close to me set me over the edge.

"Why would you let him in here?!"

Aaron shrunk back my tone. "I'm sorry!"

"It was the middle of the night, for crying out loud! You shouldn't have opened the door!"

The look on his face had me feeling guilty, so I stormed up the stairs. Running into my bedroom, I slammed the door behind me, and dropped my head into my hands. I couldn't believe it. He'd been in my room. He'd been right next to me.

That was it. I was going to see him.

I threw a hoodie on over my pajamas, and slipped into my moccasins. While my family was distracted in the kitchen, I stole Dad's keys off the hook by the door, and ran outside. I ignored the wet, cold, drops that clashed against my exposed skin. I unlocked the doors, and climbed behind the wheel before proceeding to back out.

I could barely see out of the window. With the heat blasting, an entire cloud of fog blocked my sight of the road. It didn't matter, because I knew exactly where I was going. I drove to the edge of town, where the streets weren't paved, and the sidewalks disappeared. I drove into his complex, and stopped at the little house with the red Camry parked in front of it.

I slammed the door as I got out, and stormed up to his front door. 

"Mason!" I yelled, banging my fist against it. It wasn't long before it opened. His mother appeared, hair down and a frown on her face.

"Kaya-" she'd started to say. But, I walked past her.

"I'm sorry," I said without looking back. I ran down the hallway to his room, "Mason!"

"You need to leave," his mother was saying behind me. I shook her words away as I opened his door.

He was standing in the center of the room, eyes on me already as though he were waiting. I don't know what I expected to do when I saw him. My nerves were frozen at the sight of him, instantly making me feel powerless.

"Close the door Kaya," he said. These were his only words. "Lock it."

I obeyed him. I wanted to flinch as he started towards me, but he didn't put a hand on me. Instead, he pressed his ear against the door and jiggled the handle to make sure I'd done what he said. I was motionless as I watched him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, without raising an eye to me. I couldn't find my words.

Come on Kaya.

I swallowed back the fear and opened my mouth.

"You took my gift."

He finally looked at me. At first he didn't say anything. He turned around and pulled something off of his dresser. "You mean this?"

It was the box, still glowing silver and red. And, it was in his hands.

"Yeah. That."

He gave it a shake, and flipped it over in his grasp. "Okay?"

I didn't really know how to proceed. I just knew that, I couldn't let him keep it away from me. I needed to know what was inside.

"I want it."

He didn't respond.

"It was mine. You left it for me, a-and I want it."

He only nodded his head. "You can have it."

I couldn't because, he still held onto it. I knew what he was doing. This was just another one of his games. I was back in his vicious cycle, and I was so tired of running in circles.

"Mason, please."

"I mean it, you can have it."

I folded my arms. "But, what?"

"There is no but." He still wasn't letting go.

"I know there is, why don't you just hand it over?"

"You can come get it. You want it so bad, here. As a matter of fact, open it. It's my gift to you, and I want to see your face when you see what's inside."

I wanted to cry. Why had I come here? I put myself in this situation this time. There was no one to blame but me.

So, I did what he said, and I stepped forward. He lifted his hand for me to take it. Without breaking eye contact, I slid the box out of his grip.

"Now, open it."

It almost slid from my hands, due to the fresh layer of sweat that now coated it. My hands shook as I peeled off the red bow. I could barely grip the paper in my hands as I struggled to open it. My fingers were useless, so I settled for my teeth. After a few tugs, I tore the paper off in my mouth, and let the pieces fall to the floor. I lifted off the cover of the box.

It was a book.

I frowned at it, because there was no title. Mason said nothing as I took it out of the box, and began flipping through the empty pages. That's when I realized that it wasn't a book. The pages were meant for me to fill.

It was exactly what I wanted.

My mouth fell open in shock, but he began to speak before any words could falter out.

"I asked your Mom what you wanted a few weeks back. It was before we even broke up. I've been so lousy, I had the slightest clue what to get you. She told me you wanted a journal."

I was speechless.

"Last night, I went to your house took it from you. I didn't think you'd want it anymore since well..since we broke up."

I finally grasped the air that I needed to speak. "It's okay. Wow. I can't believe you bought me this."

"It's okay if you didn't get anything for me. I understand."

I raised my eyes to him. He looked so genuine. There wasn't a trace of anything other than sincerity on his face. His eyes were clear as they looked back at me. They were bright, and grey.

"Thank you, Mason. I really appreciate this. But, you realize that it doesn't change anything right? I still don't know if I can be with you."

He nodded his head. "I figured you'd say that."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. I still love you."

God, why did he have to say that? I couldn't say it back. Instead, I just gave him a smile. "I have to go now. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Kaya."

I unlocked his door, and walked out, shutting it behind me. I left the house and climbed back into the car, placing the journal in the passenger seat. I didn't start the car. I just sat there, staring at the blue shutters. I don't know how long I was there, but I didn't move until I couldn't see through the glass anymore. It was covered with little sprinkles of white. Sprinkles of...snow.

It was snowing. Oh my god, it was Christmas morning in Austin, Texas, and it was snowing. I keyed the ignition, and flicked through the controls until the windshield wipers cut on. It swept the window clean, and I changed gears to drive. The epiphany finally struck me that I had no idea how to drive in the snow. I barely drove in the first place.

By the time I arrived back home, my entire yard was white with the tops of grass peeking through. I grabbed my journal and ran into the house.

"It's snowing! It's actually snowing!" I shouted.

I guess there were such things as Christmas miracles.


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