Julia's POV

What am I actually doing to myself?

I can't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. There wasn't any logical explanation for everything that's been happening, so I'm not sure what I was doing.

Everything that has been happening with Dana confused me just as much as it's been confusing her.

I wish I could do something about it, and I believe me I want to, but there's consequences with every action.

Diane was my wife. Yes, I loved her, but the love just isn't there anymore. I don't know what happened, but our love faded away.

We've tried things to try to get our marriage back, but it only made things worse.

She's not the same woman that I fell in love with. She's different, and I have yet to figure out why. She won't talk to me about anything hardly, so it only leaves me guessing in the end.

We've been married for eight years. We met when we were in high school, and started dating when we graduated. We followed each other through college, then ended up getting engaged by the time we finished.

I was twenty six when we got engaged.

I am currently thirty four years old.

Our marriage was perfect to say the least, and everything was great. There were hardly any fights, and we got along well. It was a dream come true because I always dreamt about having a great life and getting married to a woman that I love.

I love Diane, but I'm no longer in love with her.

If she found out, I don't know what she would do. I'm pretty sure she would tell me the same thing, because I can see it in her eyes that she no longer feels the same way.

She's hardly ever there.

She acts like it in public, but there's a lot more shit behind closed doors.

I would never say that Diane was abusive, but she can get agressive sometimes. It scares me, yes. But, I try to not enable her as much as I can.

The only real harm that she has ever caused me was most likely from grabbing my wrists too harshly and leaving marks.

Other than that, she just yells in my face.

I know what you're thinking; I should leave.

Believe me, it's been in the back of my mind for a few years now. But, I can't leave her because I'm scared of what she might do. I don't think she would ever really hurt me, but she can get very angry at times, even over the smallest things, so that leaves me having to stay with her until I know when the right time is to actually talk to her.

I want a divorce.

I've been wanting one for a while, and it's always in the back of my head but never on the tip of my tongue. I can never bring myself to talk to her about it, because I don't know what her reaction would be.

So, I'm left in this marriage that I no longer want to be in.

As for Dana Mitchells, I can't even begin to explain the kind of attraction I have towards her. It's terrible to say the least, because I'm older and I'm her principal.

Plus, I'm married.

But, that somehow didn't stop me that one night at the bar when I saw her next to me. I knew she was hitting on me, because I know what it's like to be hit on. Even at first, I knew but I tried to ignore her as much as I possibly could.

But, that was very hard to do.

The way she was staring at me, and that look in her eyes, it made me realize that I could do this one time thing to get my mind off of shit. I knew that I had walked into that bar with a purpose, because I removed my wedding ring in the process of having someone, anyone just walk up to me and talk to me.

I didn't intend of having sex with anyone, but Dana Mitchells was one hell of an exception.

If I didn't know she was seventeen, I would have thought she was at least over twenty from the way she.. touched me.

But, I never imagined being in this siuation.

Having feelings for Dana, but not being able to do a damn thing about it.

I'll admit, at first I was angry with not only her but myself. When I saw her that next day in my office, I knew that things were about to get worse than I thought they were.

Not only did I cheat on my wife, but I slept with a minor.

It had me completely shaken up to the point where I was terrified of someone finding out. I hated myself and I hated her for doing what she did.

But apparently, she knew what she was doing.

I'm pretty sure she's been doing it for a while.

I tried so damn hard to forget what happened and try to move on from it all. I didn't even want it to be brought up anymore and I wanted for us to act like nothing ever happened.

But that was very hard to do when Dana is one of my students and I see her everyday at school.

It's even harder because I'm constantly reminded of the terrible shit that I have done from seeing her everyday.

But, there's a problem with that.

I can't seem to stop thinking about Dana. She's always on my mind and I can't understand why she's there. I have tried not to think about her, hell, I've even tried to hate her just so that I could forget her and what happened, but it became impossible.

I always want her near me because I feel better for some odd reason. I try to talk to her as much as I can because it seems to keep me happy.

I know it's confusing her, because she's told me so many times but I could never tell her the real reason behind everything. There's no way that I could ever bring myself to tell her that I actually have feelings, or whatever the hell this was that I felt towards her.

I don't know what the reason is, but I'm starting to develope something for Dana.

I don't know if that's good or bad.

-

That night I told her to come over to my house was something that I really didn't think through. All I knew was that I wanted her to come over here for us to talk about things.

I wanted to finally tell her everything that's been going through my head, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

It might scare her away, no doubt, and I couldn't let that happen.

But, it didn't go the way I wanted them to.

I was hoping for us to talk, but of course I didn't make any damn sense so it only confused her even more to the point where she wanted to leave.

The next thing I know, I was pulling her back towards me and I kissed her.

My body was caught up in the moment and I remember throwing her shirt off of her, but then I came back to reality and stopped everything.

I didn't want to stop.

But, everything just rushes out at me all at once, and I'm hit with reality on what's really happening.

I hate doing this shit to Dana, because she deserves an explanation, but I cannot tell her because I'm just as scared as what her reaction would be, then to what might actually happen.

I'm not in love with Dana, but there is definetely an attraction towards her that I feel all the damn time.

I just know that things are not going to get easier.

-

The next day at school was a little rough.

I saw her in the hallway with her friends, but she never looked at me. I smiled in hopes for her to see me, but not one glance was thrown my way.

It hurt, but I deserve it.

To keep my mind off of Dana, I have been setting up a date for Diane and I, in hopes for something to happen and I could feel something again.

I hate not being in love with my wife when she has no fucking clue.

I also hate being near her because of the horrible shit that I have done behind her back.

She has no clue that I slept with someone, and that I cheated on her.

She doesn't deserve it.

That makes me a terrible person.

To hide the fact that I am no longer in love with her, and hiding the fact that I slept with someone and feeling an attraction towards a minor, makes me a terrible wife and person all together.

Looking at her makes me want to break down and cry.

"Hey babe," Diane walks to me and wraps her arms around me from behind. "something smells good."

I smile as I stood in front of the stove and was cooking dinner for us. "Thanks." I felt her kiss my neck and I tried to enjoy it, but there wasn't any tingles or anything.

She pulls away and went to the fridge. I watched as she grabs a beer and opens it. "I love when you cook." She smiles at me and I smile back. "Makes me feel good to come home to a wife that can cook for me."

"I try to cook, but I'm not really good at it." I said.

She chuckles. "That's why we order take out, right?"

I chuckle as I nod. "Yes, and we do that often."

Diane is a correctional officer, and she works late night shifts rather than working day time. Although she prefers night over day, it's still a hassel for her, so she doesn't have time to cook. I try to cook, but sometimes it's too much so I order take out for us to eat.

After all the food was done, I started to set the table and Diane walks in the kitchen just in time for everything to be set.

She pulls me to her and kisses my cheek. "Looks good." I smile as we both sat down.

We didn't talk much over dinner like we usually do, but I had a lot on my mind that I needed to talk to her about but I was also scared to say anything.

I don't understand why I was scared because I've known Diane since high school and throughout college. She's the same loving, in a different way, woman that I fell in love with.

Diane was the type of woman that everyone just adored for some reason, but could never explain. She could make anyone smile and make the atmosphere super happy, and she's been like that for as long as I could remember.

But, something about her as definetely changed and I think that's one reason why I'm afraid to talk to her.

"You ok?" I heard Diane ask as I was sitting there staring at my food.

I nod as I pushed all thoughts aside and tried to eat without making everything too obvious.

After dinner, we watched a movie in the living room, and I tried to watch her favorite movies, just so she could be happy, but of course the thoughts were eating me alive the whole time.

I knew that it was getting time to talk to her about everything.

As we were sitting on the couch, I kept looking over at her as she was watching the movie. I watched as her eyes were glued to the TV and I watched all the small details about her that I was so in love with.

She looked over at me and caught me staring. "What?"

I shook my head but smiled. "Just looking at you."

"You never did that before." She smiled as she looked back at the TV. "Something on your mind?" She asks.

I turn to face her as my back was against the arm of the couch. "How would you describe our marriage?" I ask. She looks over at me. "I want you to be completely honest."

"Why?" She asks. I shrug and she continues to stare at me. "What makes you ask something like that?"

I shrug again. "I don't know."

She continues to stare at me until she speaks. "Um, ok?" She stared at me. "Well, if I had to describe our marriage, I would say that it's functional." I was about to speak, but she continued. "I mean, I'm not going to sit here and pretend everything is ok in our marriage because it's not. I mean, it's functional but it's not what it used to be."

I nod as I stare at her. "I know what you mean."

"You do?" She asks. I nod and she stares at me. "I mean, we've tried doing a lot of different things to help our marriage, but I just thought it was on my half because I didn't think you felt the same way that I did."

I sighed. "I knew everything was different because I could feel it." She nods and I continued. "I always thought that if we did a certain thing, then it would be back to the way it was, but it wasn't." I mumbled.

"Well," She started as she stared at me. "what should we do? I love you, Julia and I will always love you but if this isn't working anymore, than what's there left to do?"

I never knew that this would break my heart by talking to her about this. This situation alone was too heartbreaking because we both knew, but we didn't know that we knew.

I sighed as I sat there for a moment. "I don't know."

"Do you want a divorce?"

I watched her for a moment as I just thought about something.

She was very calm, and I couldn't understand why.

"I want to know something," I watched as she nodded. "I want to know how you're taking this a lot easier than I thought you would."

She stared at me for a moment. "What, did you expect me to yell at you?" I shrug. "Julia, I wouldn't yell at you unless we were arguing about something. This isn't anything to argue about because we both feel the same way." I sat there as she was staring at me, and I knew that she was right. "So, you haven't answered my question." I look up at her as she was watching me.

I sigh. "Yes, I want a divorce."