TW: suicide attempt and depression, please read at your own discretion. 

Kaylee sprays my hair one more time, fluffing the high ponytail so the curls bounce before being stuck together by the hairspray. I tilt my head to the left then the right before I smile at myself in the mirror. Gia and Kaylee pampered me all evening, curling my hair, tweezing my brows, and beating my face with a foundation brush. For a second, I feel like I'm back in our small college house, getting ready for a night out at the bars. 

"Is your dad okay?" Gia asks, swiping a lipstick for her own lips. Dad was a little awkward and quiet today at lunch which was unusual since he had three daughters, so a full day of shopping and lunch was a monthly occurrence with him and my mom growing up. 

"You noticed that too?" I ask, taking a picture of myself in the mirror to send to Mason. He's going to rip this little red dress off me the minute he sees me. I'm kind of hoping he has his way with me in the bathroom again. 

"Do you think it's about the heart attack?" Kaylee probes. 

I shake my head, knowing I already saw the doctor reports he sent me. "I'm not sure. I'll ask him tomorrow before he and my mom leave."

With a final glance in the mirror, I slip on my heels and head out the door with my friends for an unforgettable night. 

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I walk through the doors of a popular club in San Francisco, my eyes meeting with twinkling white lights and all of my friends and family from last night. I go in for another round of hugs before walking up to the bar to order a drink. I check the time on my phone, wondering when Mason will get out of postgame interviews. I never understand why reporters talk to him when he didn't play today but I guess that's what happens when you're up for league MVP again. 

As I'm just about to text him, the door to the club open, revealing my handsome man. I feel like I'm in a movie as all eyes are on us as he walks straight towards me in a navy-blue suit that has reignited the butterflies in my stomach. He leans in to hug me and I catch a scent of his cologne that has heat pooling in my panties until the feeling dies out quickly when he kisses my head. His eyes avoid contact with mine as he says, "Happy birthday" and then moves onto the bar. 

I recover, replacing the frown with a smile as I spin to look at Gia. Her eyes tell me she saw the whole exchange and she shakes her head, feeling just as confused as me. I check the score of the game to see if the game is what put him in a foul mood, but they won. What could've happened between breakfast this morning and now? 

The doors to the club open again and I crane my next to see who it is. When I see his face, his smug ass face, I drop my cocktail. Glass shatters on the floor and red liquid splashes at my feet, but I'm frozen in place at the sight of him.

What the fuck is Riley Dawson doing here.

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I order a beer as Lexi's last present arrives. In walks her current artist, Riley Dawson, when I notice Lexi drops her glass. I guess I surprised her pretty well. I know I would want my teammates here and since Brooke couldn't make it, I figured Riley was her next best teammate.

"Excuse me." I say to the bartender. "The birthday girl accidentally dropped a glass. Can we get someone to clean that up? I'm sorry about that." 

He nods then signals a younger looking kid to get a mop. He rushes out as Lexi takes a step back, her eyes fixated on Riley. I watch her, noticing she doesn't look happy like I thought she would. Riley strolls over to her, shooting her a grin, then bends down to give her a hug. His hands linger a little longer than I think necessary on her back so I abandon my beer and walk over. He catches sight of me and lets go as I put my hand on her back. 

"Hi Riley, I'm Mason. It's nice to finally meet you in person." I say, sticking out my hand for a proper introduction. 

He stares at it then takes it, smiling back at me. "Great to finally meet the man that Lexi raves about. Do you mind if I steal her away for a few minutes? You know, business talk."

I look at Lexi but her face remains expressionless. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way and I can't figure out why. Call it a gut feeling. 

"Uh... sure." I say, completely unsure. Riley motions Lexi towards a quieter area as Noah comes up behind me with a beer. I take a long drink of it and watch them walk to a corner of the room.

"I don't know bro, I don't have a good feeling about that kid." he says, taking a swig of his own bottle. 

 "Lexi's a big girl, she can handle herself." I say, not fully convinced. 

He gives me a pointed look. "That isn't what I meant."

"Then what are you saying?"

He glances over at them in the corner, Lexi's hands flying up in the air as she speaks while Riley just grins at her. "Don't lie to yourself Mason. Lexi looked like a deer in the headlights when he walked in, not a kid on Christmas morning. Those two have history, but what kind is the question."

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I roll over in bed, sleep evading me. The night did not end how it should have. After Lexi and Riley's discussion in the corner, the kid kept trying to get closer to every chance he could. I knew I shouldn't have self-medicated with liquor but the more he touched her the more I drank. The shots kept flowing and he kept hitting on her. I could've stepped in but it didn't always seemed like Lexi minded his attention. I kept telling myself it was nothing but when he performed one of his new songs, I couldn't help but think it was about her. And neither could anyone else in the room since Kaylee, Gia, and Noah kept giving me looks all night. 

The mature thing to do would've been to pull Lexi aside and talk about it there privately or when we got home but instead my pride took over and I ignored her. When we came home, I couldn't hold it in anymore and I asked her what's going on between her and Riley. Immediately, she got defensive and I knew there was history between them. 

"Just tell me." I begged her, my speech slurring as I propped myself up on the counter. The not knowing was killing me. 

"You wouldn't understand." she cried. 

"We promised to be open with each other." I reminded her. The silence between us went on for what seemed like hours when it was only minutes.

"I think we should sleep in separate rooms tonight. You're really drunk and upset." she finally said. 

My heart stopped, breaking with every racing thought while I thought of many cruel things to fire back with. Instead I took a deep breath and counted to ten. "If that's what you want." I said, then turned and walked into my bedroom. 

I'm pulled from my thoughts when I hear bare feet slapping the hardwoods, the sound getting louder the closer she got to my room. Lexi walks in dressed in running clothes and stares at me. The tension between us is almost unbearable, thick with the unknowing of where we stand. 

"Get dressed." she whispers. 

I look at my clock, seeing it's only a little past five in the morning. "Where are we going?" 

"Pier 39." she says, then walks out of the room. 

A half hour later we're sitting the cool sand as the sky begins waking up with the impending sunrise. I look at Lexi, her hair tucked into a neat braid, her eyes staring out at the water. She hasn't said much since plopping herself in the sand. 

"Lexi." I start, but she shushes me. 

The small ball of light in the sky starts getting brighter, increasing in size and shine until the blues turns to pinks and oranges, shooting across the sky like an artist himself painted it. 

"I always hoped you that would come back." she whispers. I turn to look at her, but she keeps her eyes focused on the water. "They say if you someone to set them free. But you were never really free from my mind."

I let myself wander back into that deep dark hole. 

I told myself that you can make it through one night without him. I've been in Los Angeles for a little over six months and Brooke had asked me to go out to the bars with her tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to ruffle through my closet. What was the point? I'd end up drinking too much and barely listen to the guy in front of me. Instead, I sat on the couch, telling myself only one glass of wine tonight. And then like a cruel joke, the actor on the tv's name was Mason, and so the spiral began. 

I finished the bottle of wine before moving into the bathroom, emptying my stomach from every memory that crept into my mind, uninvited. The way he looked at me the first time he said I love you, how happy he was when I started understanding baseball, and finally when I caught him with Julianna. Every memory brought up a new round of vile, and my throat burned from the constant acid. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, laid my cheek on the cool tile floor, and cried. I cried for me, my assault, Mason, and the little piece of me that will always be with him. 

Exhaustion flowed through me but sleep never came. It never did, not adequate sleep at least. My eyes were constantly bloodshot or puffy and I'm sure a few people in the office thought I was on drugs. I had considered it from time to time, anything to make the permanent ache in my heart go away. 

Weakly, I crawled from the bathroom floor to the bedroom. How unfortunate that I have this big, beautiful apartment in my dream city with my dream job and I'm drowning in my own mind. Getting out of bed everyday feels nearly impossible and I often wonder what's the point of anything anymore?  Because I enjoy torturing myself, I open my phone to the campus newspaper to see Mason is having another career game. Of course he is, why wouldn't he be in pain like me. He's still getting laid daily by a girl who's not as damaged and doesn't have nearly the number of problems as I do. What a fucking cheater.

I throw my phone across the room and curl up under the covers, my head beginning to pound like it does every night. The emptiness swallows me whole as I toss and turn for the next five hours. My mind races with questions I'm afraid to ask. Will another man ever love me since I'm broken?  Why did I have to be singled out? Why didn't I listen to my gut and not go to the party? Or listen to my gut about Mason? Why am I so fucking naive? 

I look at the clock on my nightstand and see it's a little past five in the morning. I grab my running clothes and black Nike shoes and get in my car to drive to the Santa Monica Pier. I press my Airpods into my ears then take off down the beach, blasting the queen of heartbreak, Taylor Swift. The music flows through my ears and keeps my adrenaline up for the next four miles. As I'm finishing up the Red album, the line "and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all" breaks me. I collapse to my knees, sand flying up and into my shoes. I scream, bloody murder screaming, until my throat feels raw. 

I remember it all. Everything from the night of my assault to my relationship with Mason. The trust I had in him to never hurt me, to be my first time, to make me feel whole again. I'm in my own personal hell that I can't escape and honestly, I want it to just stop hurting. The sunrise climbs higher into the sky, sending yellows and pinks across the sky, and I want to be the bright again. I throw my phone and earbuds in the sand and walk towards the water, memorized by the sky. 

I wade in, the water hitting my ankles, calves, then my knees. It's rough but I don't notice, just keeping my focus on the colors in the sky until a massive wave knocks me over. I roll into the water, my eyes burning from the salt water, and I can't get my footing. The next wave sends me straight into the ground, my elbow scraping the broken shells. I fight to get to the top but the waves keep coming, sending me further into its current. 

I finally pop up for a breath of hair, my clothes soaked and I attempt to tread water until the current pulls me in further. I fight it, fighting for my life until I realize, why? For what? This is the first time I haven't felt the ache in my heart. This is what I wanted. This is what I asked for. I let go, letting the current take my body until I feel a strong hold on my arm. 

"LEXI." the voice screams at me. "CAN YOU HEAR ME? LEXI?" 

I'm struggling to breathe but I can feel my body being exposed to the air and not the water. The voice grabs me, pulling me out of the current and onto the sand. I feel a heavy weight from my hair to my shoes and I can't break free from it. 

"BREATHE LEXI, BREATHE." the voice shouts at me. Doesn't he know I don't want to? He starts pounding on my chest, the hands pressing into my heart once, twice then his warm mouth covers mine. Mason?

He repeats the process and I'm on the verge of slipping off until my eyes fly open as a tidal wave of water comes coughing up out of my throat. 

"Oh my god you're alive." he says, hugging me. I look up at the mystery angel, taking in his sharp features, light green eyes, and sandy blonde hair. 

"Riley." I croak. 

"Shh don't talk. I already call 911." He says, wrapping me in his towel. "You're okay, you're going to be okay". 

"He saved my life." I say to Mason, watching the tears roll down his cheeks. The silence engulfs us as I watch the sunrise higher in the air, thanking God for another day while Mason processes everything.

"I just need a minute." he sniffles, getting up to walk towards the shoreline. I watch the water gently roll over his bare feet while he intertwines his hands behind his head, his arm jutting out on either side. 

I wonder if he's picturing me wading into the water. I figured this would be the thing that makes him leave me. Not only did he get to see me at my most vulnerable with the assault but now he gets to know I was depressed and attempted to die at one point. There's so much I still want, no need, to tell him but watching him look out at the water for answers doesn't leave me with much hope for our future. 

Author's note: I'm sorry this is so so so long. I have to cut it here and prepare for another long chapter that will dive into Mason's feelings on the situation, Riley and Lexi's past post-drowning attempt, and where Lexi and Mason go from here. 

Also, if you're struggling with depression or suicide thoughts, please use this number for help: 1-800-273-8255. You're not alone <3