Hailey

  (Flashback to late July)

We sat at the doctor's office. My boys were due to come home in just a few more days, Aaron would have to start soccer practice in just a few more weeks.

I have been having a bit of pain in my left breast. At first, it was bearable, but the pain keeps getting a bit more intense. Like a shooting pain, or as if there was a small needle pricking me in the same spots.

I decided to go in for a mammogram. I was a bit scared, to say the least. My husband has always been very supportive of me, and since the day we were married, we have stuck to our vows. For better or for worse.

I was honest with him and told him about my situation. Though there were no lumps or any visible evidence of anything being wrong, I needed to make such things were ok. That's when my obstetrician gave me the bad news. Soon as she mentioned to me that I should be getting a second opinion and further studies from a mammographer, I knew my answer then.

But I did just that, a few days later.

I had a lump developing in my left breast. It was a good thing we caught it on time, but we needed to go through more studies to make sure it was not cancerous. If it was, we would have to take more tests and get it removed.

I would be lying to you if I said I was not scared; Because in all honesty, I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know how my mom was able to go through all this with a bright smile on her face all the time.

I feel like digging a hole and crawling inside of it and never coming out.

But I must be brave. I can't let my boys and my princess know until I am sure things will work out ok. I have to fight this. I have to put up a brave face.

Luckily, Sophie is not due to return from her trip for another few weeks. I was glad my husband convinced her to take off for the summer. I couldn't bear her being here with me through all this.

She was so close to my mom. She had it the worst trying to recover from her death. Just the thought makes my head spin. I'm not ready to leave yet.

(Early August)

The worst news was when I got the news today. I had a cancerous lump forming int left breast.

The doctor gave me the news this morning. My mind went blank after that. I didn't catch anything else of what he said after that. It all came with a shock.

Millions of thoughts invaded my mind. How could this happen? I was in such great health, I ate good, took vitamins, exercised. Why me? What did I do, to deserve this? Plus millions more.

The more I thought about it, the more recent and anger I felt. I wanted to cry, yell out of frustration, and punch something, throw something. But nothing would erase the fact I had a lump of cancer in my breast.

I went home that day after a few more tests and ultrasounds were taken.

My biggest challenge now was how do I hide it from my kids so that I don't worry them? My husband stayed silent the whole time. Treating me with such care at all times. How would we break this to our kids when the time comes?

In the end, we decided that if it was removable, we'd keep it from them. It would be our little secret and no one would ever know. Maybe it would someday come out but by then, I was already fully recovered.

And so, we began seeing a specialist in New York.

"We have our first meet in a few weeks. The kids will be back by then. We'll just tell them we have an urgent work-related meeting. I'm sure they won't suspect a thing." My husband smiled and sat by me.

I smiled back, a stray tear escaping me. I knew I had to be strong, but I couldn't have the fact I was just too scared.

"Don't worry sweetheart. Everything will be ok. I promise. This specialist is one of the top doctors in all our nation. You'll be in great hands." His voice soothed me, but I still had my doubts.

(Early September)

My husband and I came to New York a few days ago. I finally had my operation and got the lump removed. I woke up a while ago, but I not only felt groggy, I felt so weak and in great pain.

The doctor told me the operation was a complete success, but I'd have to stay a few more days for observation and to fully recover.

(October)

"Hailey, I'm afraid cancer has spread. But, chemo and the medicine I prescribed you, should help in bringing you back to a full recovery. It will take a while, but I promise I will not give up on you." The doctor hung his head while sitting at his desk.

My heart began to beat uncontrollably. I had begun to lose my hair. Thanks to my husband, I was able to get a wig that looked just like my normal hair. No one, not even kids were able to tell a difference. It cost us a fortune to get it done, and honestly, I was getting sick and tired of always having to tug at it without anyone noticing.

It was itchy, and it made my head hurt worse than it already did. My body was becoming more tired each day. I felt weak all the time.

Thanks to the pills doctor prescribed, I could hide the episodes of nausea before my kids. Thanks to Logan, who was kind enough to have Sophie sleep at his house, she didn't notice the mornings when I'd run to vomit in the bathroom.

My boys always woke up with loud music, and very late, so I was lucky that they had not noticed up to now.

But Aaron has questioned me why I was losing so much weight lately. I simply told him, I felt too fat and I went on a diet. I'm not quite sure if he bought it, but he left it alone.

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(November- day after Sophie's birthday and present-day)

"Hailey, I'm sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news. Especially when Thanksgiving is in just a few more days.  I'm afraid we found a few more lumps. The cancer is spreading. The chemo should have gotten rid of most of it, but I'm afraid it's not fully functioning." The doctor held my test results in hand.

My stomach felt sickening. My heart dropped and I felt my life was placed on pause.

"So, what happens now?" I knew the answer. He wanted me to continue with chemo, or perhaps he wanted a strong more intense chemo and meds on top of what I already have.

"Hailey, It's true, cancer has spread faster than before, but we can fight this. I will have to change you to different chemo, more intense. I'll need to see you at least once every two weeks now. We'll-"

"No. No more chemo. I can't take any more chemo doc. Just tell me how bad is it?" He and my husband's face turned stunned. I knew they were in shock by my abrupt answer.

But it was true, no matter how hard I try and beat this, my body was giving up. I knew it. It wasn't just my chest anymore, I knew there was more to this news. I just prayed I was ready to hear the news.

"Hailey, sweetheart, you can't give up. We can fight this." My husband held my hand tight. I glanced at our wedding rings, it made me remember all the happy moments we have spent together. How happy he has made me for all these years.

"Be honest with me doc. That's all I want." I demanded with my eyes averted to the floor.

"You are now in stage three Hailey. Cancer has spread to both of your breasts, which is why you are feeling sharp pain and tenderness on both sides. I know you have seen the discoloring on both sides. You also told me you had noticed a few lymph nodes under both of your armpits, which is a side effect due to stage three of your cancer. We have a few options, which either one will include extensive time in chemo. I will run a few more tests on you. We may have to remove both of your breasts so we can stop cancer from spreading further."

"Further?" I chuckled sarcastically. My eyes swelled with so many tears that ran freely. I hadn't even noticed I had been crying until my husband began to wipe away my tears. His own eyes invaded with tears.

"When?"

"Soon as possible. I would suggest for you to stay in the hospital for a few days. The soonest we get these test results in, the sooner we can begin with the operating procedures."

"No. I - I have to spend Thanksgiving with my kids. I need to. This may be our last Thanksgiving together. I will come back right after."

"Hailey, honey. Are you sure this is what you want?" My husband cupped my cheek and spoke in a quivering voice.

"I'm sure. Honey, nothing guarantees me that I will heal. What if-"

"Stop it, Hailey. No more. Don't talk like this. You can't give up. You have to give it your all, please baby."

I cupped his cheeks and kissed him softly on his lips.

"We both have to wake up and realize that things may not get better. Please, I don't want to have false hopes. I promise you, I will give it my all. I will fight this. But you also have to promise me that if I don't make it out of this, that someday you will find someone else that will make you smile again. Promise me to love our grandbabies, and spoil them, promise me that you will continue to be the best dad Sophie, Aaron, and Jason have had up to now?"

"Hailey, stop it. You act like you're leaving me already! I don't want- I forbid you to speak this way. Do you hear me? I forbid it!" I know he was getting angry. But we both had to face the facts. I want the best for my family. I love them, they are everything to me. They're my world.

"Hailey!"

"Please, sweetheart. I need to hear your promise. If you promise me all these things, then I will keep my promise to fight this till the end. Whether it's a good outcome or not, I will fight with all my strength. But first I need you to promise me."

A silence too long for my liking overtook the room. My husband looked away and stood on his feet pacing back and forth.

"Ok. I promise sweetheart. But-" He held his hand out for me and got me to my feet.

"Now you have to promise me. Ok?" He whispered, taking me gently in his arms.

"I promise. Till the end." I whispered through my tears and buried my head in his chest.

"Hailey, may I suggest, that now is a good time to come clean to your kids and let them know what is happening." The doctor added, making us glance at one another. Maybe he's right. It's time we tell them of my health condition. I have no idea how they will react.

Especially, Sophie. My baby girl. I have a feeling she is going to be the one to take it the hardest. Her grandma's death was still too fresh of a wound to her.

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