I was actually wearing a dress to the party. A dress. It had taken another couple of weeks to plan, and I had been back in hospital with Lucy a couple times. We were nearing our permanent discharge time, and I was excited. The nerves of being on my own with her care load were gone. I knew I could do it. I was more nervous about the regular respite time I was going to have to start having. Lucy wouldn't like it, and neither would I. The respite place didn't accommodate for parents to stay, only the children. I hadn't been seperate a from Lucy since she was born, when they took her to do all the newborn baby stuff.

"Jess? You there?" Nick was beside me, saving a hand in front of my face. My head snapped back, eyes going up to him. I swallowed, throat dry.

"Sure. Right here" my voice was more croaky than I would have liked. It had been a long night, and it has taken it's toll. If I wasn't wearing make up, a little black dress and hair curled to perfection, I would look like absolute crap. Instead, I didn't. My hair looked bigger. It was usually pretty lifeless, only a small wave and just hanging there. Marie had even cut it for me, now in a neat line at my waist. It felt healthy again, silky even.

"You ready to go?" He had his keys and wallet in hand, having put both our over night bags into the car already.

"Yeah. Just need to make sure Luce has everything" so he waited, silently watching me go over the mental and physical checklist. Everything was there. I was worrying over nothing. I relaxed, announcing we were good to go and started grabbing all her equipment. Nick let me grab the oxygen but beat me to everything else. I didn't argue, used to it by now.

Lucy was in a good mood, happy to be packed into the car for once. Nick waited at my side, obviously knowing the suction needed to be close. Luce didn't cough, and I sat the unit down beside her in the middle seat. Going around, I grabbed the monitor and probe off Nick. Lucy's feet were a little cold, and the reading wasn't too reliable. Some socks took care of it.

Seated on the other side, I relaxed. It was nice to be able to relax in a car. Usually I was worried about Lucy coughing or something. This time, I could just relax. I wouldn't have to pull over, put the emergency lights on and reach over the seat to suction blindly- which I was good at. Instead, I was able to play games and entertain Lucy as we drove. It was nice having someone to help out, even if I couldn't let myself rely or expect it. It was comforting.

~~~

The music was louder than I expected, making me worry that I wouldn't hear Lucy cough on the little monitor clipped to the top of my dress. It dragged it down a little, but didn't matter. Lucy was more important. I checked the screen again, finding her still sleeping peacefully. How she was sleeping through the dull throb of music that could be heard from upstairs, I didn't know.

At least it was almost close time. The music had to be off or turned down at 10.30pm. It wouldn't be until 12 that people started to get lost. As horrible as I sounded, I getting worn and tired. I had, however, had a great time. It was nice to just be. Nick had even loosened up a little more, that stiffness gone. I mean, he was relaxed at home- but usually withdrawn. The alcohol had changed that.

"Want to dance, roomie?" His hands took me, not waiting for an answer. Everyone was doing some old fashioned dance, twirling and improvising. Nick seemed to actually know the dance, easily leading my movements. Even intoxicated, he was smooth. Something I had noticed was that he was usually clumsy. Stubbing his toes, knocking things over- the height and bulk probably didn't help.

My surprise at his dancing skills must have shown on my face. Laughing, he twirled me. The heels made it difficult, but he was supporting me the whole time. I hadn't noticed how strong he was. How powerful.

"I had lessons as a kid. Ballroom and ballet. So did Marie. We were both the awkward, monstrously tall kids with no grace. Our parents thought it would help- like it did for Dad" he spun me again, pulling me close. I laughed, picturing Marie's father. I had met him many times. He and Marie's mother were like grandparents to Lucy, filling the void my own parents had left. He was a tall, massive bloke. Larger than Nick, if that was possible.

"It obviously didn't work" he was dipping me before I could protest, only giving me time to yell. My fingers dug into him, fear making me cling. I mean, I was completely reliant on him in that moment. And I had just practically insulted him.

"What was that?" There was a grin on his voice, as well as one his face. He thought this was amusing. Cheeky bastard.

"Nothing! I was just saying how you are so graceful and never stub your toe!" I couldn't help myself. He didn't mind, laughing and pulling me back up. We continued dancing, easily chatting. It was weird, being able to talk to him without the usual barrier he held up. Alcohol will do that to you.

Our dancing was cut short when I heard Lucy whimpering. The monitor attached to my dress bodice was turned right up, allowing me to hear it over the music. Nick also heard it, immediately stopping and listening. I checked the screen, finding her waking slowly. She had a medication due soon, but didn't usually wake at this time. Someone must have used the toilet near her room, probably not realising there was a sleeping baby bear by. I regretting not putting a sign on the toilet to keep people away.

I quickly headed to the house, making fast work of getting updates and creeping into her room. I failed to sneak in, her eyes capturing me. She looked like she was about to have an episode, the type she has when she realises I left.

"Toilet. I was just using the toilet, baby girl" I hated lying to her, but it was better she thought I had just gone to the toilet. She was used to that. Me going to the toilet for a few minutes. She was getting better, though, at being left alone. I had tried to do it more often, with her medications and feed times. And toilet times. She was even learning the words, understanding when I would say where I had been.

Kicking my shoes off, I went to her and stroked her face. She settled back down to sleep, giving me an opportunity to check her over before getting her medications. The music got turned off, and people started leaving. I took a quick shower, with Marie keeping an eye on Lucy for me, and got dressed for the night. Marie smiled, going to bed with her fiancé.

Wanting water, I took the baby monitor and crept downstairs. I knew Nick would be sleeping on the couch, so I tried to sneak past it quietly. After getting water, I realised it wasn't Nick on the couch. Definitely not. It was another guest, one that had probably drunk a lot. He had obviously passed out on the couch. Nick, no where to sleep, was curled up on the arm chair.

It would have been funny, if it wasn't so disturbing. He was too big for the chair. His legs were just hanging off the side. He shifted again, obviously not fully asleep yet. I started heading towards the stairs again, but stopped. I couldn't just leave him there. Sighing, I turned around and padded towards him. Shaking him awake gently, I waited for his to see me.

"Jess?" He was sleepy, one side of his head all mussed from leaning against the arm chair. It was almost adorable.

"You can't sleep here. You can sleep in my room. The bed's a queen" I pulled him up, and he didn't argue. He just dragged along. I noticed he was in his jeans and shirt, but didn't comment. He pulled his clothes off and sank into the bed with a groan. I went to the other side, after neatly folding his clothes on a chair.

Drifting off to sleep, I just listened to the two types of breathing. One deep and strong, the other accompanied with the hiss of oxygen. It was different, but comforting. Sleep came easily that night.