This chapter is dedicated to my two beautiful children who have always supported my dreams - I couldn't have made this journey without you.

41 - Having To Live With The Choices I Made  

I am lying on my cot at the jail, captured in my gloomy thoughts, the word 'guilty' echoing over and over in my head. This is it – I am a convicted murderer and there is no sugarcoating about it. I was wrong, period. The little bit of hope I had that I would actually be walking outside closed walls again and re-launch my life was crushed in the blink of an eye.

Pam made matters worse by polling the jury though I realize that she was just doing her job. Twelve times the word 'guilty' sprang from the jurors' lips – each and every one of them standing up, looking me square in the eyes and telling me with this one word how wrong I had been. I took a human life and I was not justified.

It has been six days and I have felt awful. Pam came by a few times in a futile attempt to cheer me up and restore my optimism. Her firm conducted post-trial jury research which pretty much meant that one of the lawyers called them and had a chat with those who were willing to spill the beans.

Ultimately, I really didn't care what went on behind those closed doors since it didn't change the outcome but she enlightened me regardless and I was too polite to just blow her off. At first, the jurors were split six to six but throughout the deliberations, they agreed that even though I believed the murder was lawful, this belief was not reasonable. In a nutshell, I made a terrible mistake that no one else would have made in my shoes but I wasn't aware that it was wrong.

Pam cautioned me not to beat myself up but accept the choices I made and face the consequences. Things might not turn out as bad in the end and I could get out in a few years. They offered many programs in prison and I could complete my GED and maybe even take a few college courses. I know she is right and I have spent some time thinking about what to do with the rest of my life but my mind always comes up blank. Imagining what the future will hold scares me in all respects – no matter if I am in prison or not.

At Pam's request, I was on my best behavior when the woman from the probation department stopped by to interview me for the pre-sentencing report. I didn't want to give Pam more grief - that was the least I could do for her since she didn't charge anything for representing me.

The pre-sentence interview was a drag - for an hour, the lady bombarded me with questions about my childhood and my feelings and I tried my hardest to cooperate. Luckily they didn't make me go through another psychological evaluation but took Doc's report. I had two more physical examinations and my pregnancy is on track – the doctor said that they will transfer all my records to the prison and that I will be taken to a hospital when the time comes to deliver the baby.

I have been constantly exhausted and ultimately just want to be left alone, glad that the excitement will finally die down after the sentencing. I wonder what prison life will be like and the thought that I won't be locked up for twenty three hours a day but can freely walk around and even wear my own clothes is appealing. My dad could get me books from Amazon and some prisons even allow inmates to have their own TV and DVD player. All in all, it doesn't sound so bad but I also heard stories about rape and violence. That would be something I couldn't handle.

The key turns in the door, it is time to get back to court and learn my fate for the next four to twenty years. That's how long my sentence could be – all in the judge's discretion. I am handed my shoes and slip them on, slowly tying my shoe laces. That will be another advantage in prison – no more annoying suicide watch and I will be at least able to reclaim a bit of my privacy.

I follow Roland down the corridor with my eyes glued to the floor, avoiding glancing into the other cells. Some guys start to whistle after me and Roland tells them to shut up but I still feel victimized. I used to enjoy the attention, thinking I was pretty, but now I cringe anytime a man makes even the slightest suggestive gesture. I couldn't imagine ever allowing a boy to touch me again and after my encounter with Marcus the other day, the mere thought makes me sick to stomach.

It is an unseasonably warm morning and for a moment, I enjoy the sun dancing on my face when I step outside into the courtyard on my way to the jail van. I close my eyes and turn toward the sky, sucking in the air and holding my breath.

"They let you go outside in the prison most of the day," Roland mumbles. "It's almost over, Rena. Don't worry, things will be okay."

I gaze at him with teary eyes – he has no idea how it is to have walls around you at all times. I might be able to breathe in fresh air but that will still not substitute taking a stroll along Lake Michigan and watching the sun plummet into the water. I used to love the park and see the gulls circle over the still surface before diving down for a snack.

When we arrive at the courthouse, the members of the press are already gathered, there is a full house again today. It seems like everyone in Chicago is just itching to find out what will happen to me. I sit down under the watchful eyes of Brent's father – Pam warned me that he will make a statement to the judge today, requesting the maximum sentence.

Marcus is in a good mood, dallying around with one of his assistants, the tension that was visible on his face during the trial has totally vanished. Pam is in deep conversation with my dad and Doc and joins me just as the bailiff announces the arrival of the judge.

"Good morning, everyone." Judge Mitchellson slumps into her chair. "Just so we are clear, I will not allow my courtroom to be turned into a circus. The only ones who will speak will be the defendant, the victim's parents and their respective counsel. Everyone else shall refrain from voicing their opinions one way or the other or held in contempt. Is that clear?"

She glances around the courtroom which has fallen deadly quiet. Satisfied that she blighted all opposition, she turns to Marcus. "Is the State ready to proceed?"

Marcus jumps up. "We are, Your Honor. Mr. Parks wishes to make a statement."

Brent's dad walks up to the podium, a piece of paper in his hand. My heart races in my chest and the nausea crawls up on me. Whatever he has to say won't be pretty.

"Your Honor, my name is Ryan Parks and I am speaking today also on behalf of my wife Charlotte who unfortunately couldn't be here. This terrible ordeal has taken a toll on her and she was required to seek medical attention."

He glares at me viciously and I squirm in my seat. Of course he thinks this is all my fault.

"Brent was our son who we loved very much and who had always brought us great joy." His voice trembles with emotion. "His life was cut short at the hands of the defendant and his death has left a void in our hearts that can never be filled. Rena Cooper took everything from us and we ask you now to punish her for what she did. We would have liked to see the death penalty but the jury disagreed and we respect that but we urge you not to go lightly on her. Her suffering will never measure up to what Brent had to endure those last moments of his life."

He pauses and wipes his eyes, I can't believe he is actually crying. "We know that you heard a lot of testimony about the abuse the defendant allegedly suffered at the hands of our son but we ask you not to believe that Brent was a monster who didn't deserve any better. Rena Cooper is the true monster who killed an innocent boy in his sleep. She should spend a large portion of her life behind bars and society deserves to be protected from her. Thank you."

He wipes away a few more tears while he returns to his seat, this time totally ignoring me. I am close to bawling myself, his words hurt me right in the core. For Ryan and Charlotte, I am a monster and they didn't believe a word I said. In many ways, I am surprised that she is not even a bit sympathetic, considering that her husband has beaten her on a regular basis ever since they got married. But then, she lost her son which must have been devastating – that fear the very reason why I killed Brent in the first place.

I focus back on the judge, it will soon be my turn to speak. Pam recommended keeping it short and to the point, no need to elaborate, and I am not supposed to blame Brent in any way. Attacking the victim after a guilty verdict is frowned upon and will get me nowhere other than pissing off the judge.

"Ms. Cooper, would you like to address the court?"

I quickly rise. "Yes, your honor. I want to foremost say how sorry I am and that I accept the verdict. I killed someone and will have to live with that for the rest of my life." My voice breaks and I need a few moments to compose myself. Tears trickle down my cheek but I don't care and press on. "I know I have caused a lot of pain and want to apologize to Brent's parents. I never meant any of this to happen."

The tears have now turned into a river and my last words are barely audible. Pam strokes my hand, confirming that I said enough, and I am sure if I carried on, I will become hysterical. After I sit back down, she hands me a tissue which I take with appreciation.

Judge Mitchellson clears her throat, shuffling the papers in front of her. "Very well. Before I announce my sentence, I have to say that I have rarely come across a case that has caused such a public outcry. I received as many letters in support of the defendant as I did in victim impact statements, ranging from women's rights groups to the director of the FBI. I read all of them but they did not sway my decision in any way."

She pauses and studies Brent's father before her eyes land on me.

"What did, however, influence me was Ms. Cooper's testimony which I found not only very credible but also compelling. I even considered setting aside the jury verdict, however, after due consideration, I ultimately agree with their judgment." She gives me a small nod. "Would the defendant please approach?"

Pam ushers me to the small podium half way between the defense table and the judge's bench. My hands are trembling and my mouth is dry - I desperately would like some water but today of all days, the pitchers are empty. Murphy's Law. I realize that it is only a distracting thought to compromise for my pounding heartbeat that has doubled in speed.

I gaze at Judge Mitchellson with apprehension, I will finally learn my fate.

"Ms. Cooper," she begins and I clench my hands to tight fists. If I had not chewed off all my nails in these last few days, I could have seriously hurt myself.

"I sentence you hereby to a term of ten years in a State penitentiary." I suck in a deep breath and the room is starting to spin. Ten years – I will be in my late twenties by the time I get out. It seems like an eternity and my son won't even know me during the majority of his childhood.

"However," Judge Mitchellson continues. "I will suspend this sentence in lieu of a four year probationary term. What that means, Ms. Cooper is that you will get out of jail today but if I see you in my courtroom again, I will enforce the prison term. Is that clear so far?"

My jaw drops, that's not what I expected at all. My heart is still racing but this time it is in joy. I will be able to go home and sleep in my own bed tonight.

Her next words dampen my excitement. "This is not all. As part of your probation, you will undergo counseling under the supervision of Dr. Sullivan and it will be in his sole discretion to determine the frequency and duration. I expect you to fully cooperate." I nod eagerly and a small smile curls her lips. "He has been instructed to call me if you miss any of your appointments or refuse to participate. If I hear any complaints, you will go to prison. Understood?"

I swallow hard. "Yes, ma'am." I realize that this probation term will be hard work.

"Furthermore, I order you to complete one thousand hours of community service in a domestic violence program to raise teen awareness. I want you tell your story to the world, Ms. Cooper, so that others may learn from your struggles. This is your opportunity to repay society for your wrongs and I hope you will grow from this experience."

I am actually hopeful that I could make a difference. If I could save even one girl from an abusive relationship, I might be able to forgive myself and those nightmares could stop.

"Finally, I am revoking your emancipation order and place you into the care of your father. I know you will be eighteen in a few months and I can't stop you from moving out but I highly encourage you to take advantage of your dad's support. If you decide to keep your baby, being a single mother is difficult, and you can use all the help you can get. As part of your probation, you will also be required to complete high school so I suggest avoiding rash decisions and listen to the advice of others for once."

Her face is stern when she utters these words and I nod with conviction. I have no plans on leaving my dad's home for a very long time and his rules are a breeze in comparison to Brent's.

Judge Mitchellson isn't quite finished. "I am aware that I will be highly criticized for this sentence and Mr. Forrester will probably appeal my ruling. Truthfully, I don't care because the legislator provided for this exception and I firmly believe that they had cases like yours in mind when they allowed the mandatory minimum sentence to be substituted for probation. I do believe in second chances, Ms. Cooper, but this is it. There won't be another and I will personally ensure that you will serve your full prison term if you violate your probation. Have I made myself clear?"

I obediently nod, thrilled and incredibly grateful to even get this chance. "Yes, Your Honor, and thank you. I won't disappoint you."

Her expression softens. "I hope so. Good luck."

She swings her gavel for the last time and my case is officially closed. As soon as she leaves the courtroom, all hell breaks loose. Reporters practically attack me, trying to get my attention and wanting a statement. Luckily, Pam shoos the closest ones away before guiding me to the attorney's room.

She hugs me. "Congratulations Rena. This is the best sentence you could have hoped for."

I grin from ear to ear. "What will happen now?"

"They will take you back to the jail and process you out. Your dad will be able to pick you up in a couple of hours."

My heart rejoices. Soon, I will be free again.

xxxx

The goodbyes from the jail are surprisingly emotional. Everyone seems really happy for me, whishing me the best of luck and Thelma even sheds a few tears. Roland just grunts that he damn well hopes not to see me again - it means a lot, coming from him.

My dad is waiting for me right outside the jail and I run into his arms like a little girl, tears of relief running down my face. When he releases me, I notice that he is not alone. Kade is leaning against his car a few feet away, observing me anxiously.

"Are you still talking to me?" he asks.

I am thrilled to see him. "If someone has the right to be mad, it's you."

He chuckles and approaches me with caution before pulling me into a bear hug. "Good to have you back, kiddo."

I couldn't agree more and appreciate that he has been a true friend through all of this.

"What do you want to do now?" my dad asks.

I just had lunch at the jail and the sunshine is too tempting. Since I was locked up, I had to live by rules and restrictions, compounded by my pressures and worries; now all I long for is to do something normal for a change.

"If you don't mind, Dad, I would really like to go for a walk down by the lake."

He hesitates for just a moment. "Sure." He exchanges a glance with Kade. "Do you want to go alone or should one of us tag along."

I smile at his attempt to respect me like a grownup. It will be a while for us to heal, too much has happened and too many hurtful words spoken. It will take time for us to get reacquainted. He is my dad but in many ways, has almost grown into a stranger.

"Can Kade come?" I ask feebly, hoping he wouldn't get mad by my obvious rejection.

Kade gazes at him reassuringly. "I promise to keep an eye on her and return her before dark."

My father smiles softly with a halfway pain stricken expression before squeezing my shoulder. "Sure. I'll see you for dinner. I thought we could order Indian food."

I bite my lip to stifle a laugh, he hates this type of ethnic dinners. "That sounds great, Dad. Could we have ice-cream for desert?"

His eyes light up – he has just as much of a sweet tooth as I do. "Sounds like a plan."

Kade opens the car door for me and I get in. In total silence, we ride down to the park. Without haste, we stroll along the river, and he allows me to mostly indulge in my own thoughts. The sun is warm on my skin and I enjoy the nature around me. The leaves are slowly turning into orange and yellow and the Indian summer is just around the corner.

It has always been my favorite time of the year. I will ask my dad if we can visit my grandparents in Mackinac Island before the winter and maybe grandpa and I could even go rainbow hunting. That would be an enjoyable treat.

We end up by the playground and sit down on a bench to watch the children play. The baby is calm – since the excitement this morning, he has been sleeping for most of the day. On occasions, there has been a kick here and there, reminding me that he is still around and someone who I will have to deal with eventually. This morning, most of my life was set – I was heading for prison and there was no way I could have raised my son. Now, everything has changed.

Kade must have read my mind. "What are you going to do about the baby?"

I watch a little boy climb up onto the slide with the help of his mother, squealing in delight as he makes his descent. By the swing set, a small girl is pushed by her dad while two of her siblings, twins, run around, chasing each other. I wonder if I could even be a good mom, taking care of my son the way he deserves.

"Truthfully, I have no idea," I admit.

My answer doesn't seem to surprise him. "Well, I guess you still have a few weeks to figure it out."

For the moment, I just want to make it through today. I can't make any plans – the fear that I could screw up my life again with a wrong choice still deeply instilled in my mind. I will have to learn to trust me again and it will take time. I will think about it some more tomorrow, – after all, it will mark the beginning of a brand new part of my life. Tomorrow, I will finally be able to live without fear again.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of my readers for their incredible support. It has been a hell of a journey for me as a writer - I have grown a lot over these past weeks writing and editing this story and I couldn't have done it without your many comments, votes and reads. It has been a lot of fun though some tears were shed as well and I am truly grateful to have received such an amazing reception.

If you liked this book, you can also check out some of my other stories. I am currently posting the sequel, called "Road To Redemption", with weekly updates and work simultaneously on a Thriller/Mystery called "Trapped", involving a kidnapped