This chapter is dedicated to mrsMartinez7. Thanks so much for reading my stories and your many votes XD.

40 - We, The Jury, Find....  

Marcus's words are followed by total silence. I stare at the jury, quickly wiping away most of my tears as they gaze randomly into the courtroom, avoiding at all cost to look in my direction. I wonder what these people truly think of me. Pam warned me that the closing would be hard but I never expected Marcus to just reduce me to nothing.

Luckily, Pam draws the attention away from me as she rises and approaches the jury box. For a moment, her eyes wander from face to face and then she begins to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, I want to thank you for participating in this trial. Jury duty is an important responsibility, one of the pillars of our justice system, and should not be taken lightly - especially in a criminal case like this one. Rena Cooper is putting her life into your hands and she deserves that you weigh all of the evidence and judge her fairly according to the law, even if you don't agree with her actions."

She pauses and lets her words sink in. "Mr. Forrester told you that Rena had many options available to her and I agree, but that is not what this case is all about. This case is about a choice she made and it doesn't matter if you would have made that same choice if you were in her shoes. All that matters is whether Rena reasonably feared for the life of her unborn son at the time of the murder because if that was the case, she was justified under the laws of this state to protect him. It's as simple as that."

She steps closer, her hands coming to rest on the bannister of the jury box. She keeps eye contact at all times, moving from juror to juror. They are fixed on her lips without making a sound, absorbing every word. The tension is sizzling in the courtroom and I am just glad she is my lawyer and not on the other side.

"So what is a reasonable fear? We all agree that if a burglar comes into your home and threatens you or your kids with a gun, you are allowed to end his life in self defense. Yet, in this case, there was no physical threat, that's undisputed. But just because Mr. Parks didn't hold a gun in his hand or beat Rena to a pulp that night doesn't mean she didn't need to fear him. To the contrary, she had plenty of reason to be terrified of this man because he had already proven to her what he was capable of."

She walks to the monitor and points at the beaming Brent on the screen. "This is not the Brent Parks that Rena knew. That Brent was cruel and violent and unpredictable - an abuser and rapist of the worst kind who took advantage of a young and gentle girl and utterly destroyed her. He beat her with a belt, kicked her unconscious, burned her with cigarettes and threatened to put a bullet into her head. On top of that, the mental pressure Rena was under was unbearable."

She pauses, giving the jurors time to remember the horrors I testified about.

"But that was not all." Her voice is slightly raised. "Brent Parks also murdered his unborn child on a previous occasion and Rena was unable to stop him. So the question is - can you truly blame her that this time around, she wanted to protect her baby from harm at all cost? Can you fault her that she chose her son's life over the one of her abuser?"

The faces of the jurors display mixed emotions, one woman is quietly wiping away a few tears while that new juror from this morning is observing Brent's picture with a tilted head. A few nod while others click their tongue - there is no way to figure out what they truly think.

Pam takes the remote and to my surprise, the display changes to a younger version of myself - I couldn't have been much older than five. My eyes were big and empty, the sorrow written all over my face. Come to think of it, it must have been taken a few weeks after my mother's death.

"This, ladies and gentleman, is where this story begins - when a mother was torn from a young girl who always felt abandoned and alone after that. Mr. Parks took advantage of her fragile nature, sought her out because he knew she would be easy prey for him."

The picture changes to a laughing me at the zoo, arm in arm with Caroline. I remember that day, it was in the summer before I bumped into Brent.

"This was the Rena that Brent Parks met," Pam continues sombrely. "Full of life with dreams and hopes of her own - and they did not include a violent relationship and the horror that came with it." She points at me. "Look at her now - this is the Rena you know after Brent Parks broke her - a woman whose mental scars will never heal." She focuses back on the jury. "Rena didn't want her child to meet the same fate and believed that she could only protect him if Mr. Parks was dead. Taking his life was, in her mind, the only option."

She walks alongside the jury and halts in front of the witness box. "We are not all trained to understand the human mind, that's why in a case like this, we need help. We need experts like Dr. Sullivan who tell us what was going on in Rena's head. When you go back into the jury room, I ask you to consider his testimony when deciding the key issues. Was her fear reasonable? Was Mr. Parks a threat to the life of her unborn son? And if you add up all the evidence, the answers can only be yes."

She gives me a small smile before turning back to the jury. "You might not like Rena and that is OK. It is also perfectly normal to feel sorry for Brent Parks - after all, he was a young man who lost his life."

She pauses once more, all eyes on me, until her voice tears their attention away again.

"But you can't allow your personal feelings to cloud your judgment. That would be wrong and against the oath you took as a juror. You owe it to Rena to be objective and leave your emotions in this courtroom and if you do that, we are confident that you can only come to one conclusion." She glances at me with determined eyes. "The conclusion that Rena was justified to kill Brent Parks in self defense because she reasonably feared for the life of her unborn son. Therefore, I request you to return a verdict of not guilty. Thank you."

She reclaims her seat at the defense table and squeezes my hand in encouragement. I am thankful for everything she did for me and know she gave her very best. The rest would be out of our control.

For the next hour, Judge Mitchellson instructs the jury on the legal technicalities of the case. I tune out since I don't understand half of it and am not sure if the jurors feel much different. I notice quite a few heavy eyelids while she rattles down passages from her law books in a monotone voice. Marcus glares out of the window most of the time and Pam leans back in her chair, watching the jury. I am not even certain if they are paying much attention.

It is almost noon when the twelve men and women are led from the courtroom to start their deliberations. According to Pam, this could take days and all we could do is wait. I can't imagine it being worse than rotting away in my jail cell but would be proven wrong. Waiting for a jury to determine your fate is almost as nerve-racking as having a maniac sit across from you, pointing the barrel of a revolver in your direction - in the end, this verdict could be just as lethal as the bullet of a gun.

xxxx

The next hours are pure torture. Pam insisted on me being allowed to wait with her in the attorney's room and for the first time since my arrest, I am allowed to just sit there without handcuffs or a babysitter while away from the jail. It is absolutely liberating though I also feel naked, rubbing my wrists every so often to ensure it is real.

When my father stops by for a quick visit in the early afternoon, tears begin to roll down my cheeks like a waterfall and I am thankful to be able to touch him without the glass in between us that has always separated the visitor area at the jail. I am hanging on to him for my dear life and sobbing hysterically into his shoulder while he tries desperately to comfort me, rubbing my back. I know he feels awkward but I can't help it. My heart throbs in pain when I realize the time we have lost, first because of my hardheadedness when I was living with Brent and now because of my incarceration. I will never be able to make it up to him.

After I finally calm down, he asks Pam what is happening with the jury. She explains that they first will elect a jury foreman and probably take an initial vote to determine where they are. After that, they will start discussing the evidence and attempt to sway those undecided to side with one group or the other.

Once the fronts are clear, they will have to find a consensus - something that could prove quite challenging depending on the ratio between those who voted guilty or innocent. The stronger a juror, the more likely it would be that he or she influences the overall outcome by convincing the others of their point of view. It really doesn't sound like an objective process and Pam confirms that it is not. We could try my case again tomorrow with the exact same evidence but with a different jury and get opposite results.

At four, I am ushered back into the courtroom because the jury demands to rehear some of the evidence. The second phone call is replayed and Doc's testimony is read out aloud by the court reporter. I'm worried but I can't read Pam's face just as Marcus is totally emotionless during the whole affair. Both lawyers seem almost bored and I realize they probably are. They had their moment in the spotlight during the actual trial and no true stake in the outcome.

After the verdict, they will go home to their families while I would potentially rot away in prison, maybe even on death row. The judge instructed the jury that they could also consider the lesser charge of Murder Two which would only land me behind bars but the death penalty was not of the table if they found me guilty of Murder One.

Later that afternoon, I am close to cracking up because of all the pressure. I am starting to pace back and forth in the attorney room while Jenna, the junior lawyer, is pecking away on the laptop after Pam excused herself to make a phone call. Turmoil is raging inside me while the baby is causing havoc in my stomach, kicking around hectically. He must feel my inner unrest and I try to calm down for his sake to no avail. My nerves are frayed and I just want it over and done with. Not knowing what will happen to me is the worst.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" Jenna asks after glancing at me a few times.

Maybe that would distract me from my brooding. "That would be really nice."

She clicks around on the computer until a low song fills the room. It's kind of mellow and I like it. "What's it called?"

A small smile spreads across her face. "It's from my favorite artist - her name is Kate Voegele. The song is called 'Sweet Silver Lining'."

I listen to the lyrics and wish I could believe in clouds with silver lining. At the moment, I feel pretty defeated. My eyes stare gloomily outside into the rain which hits hard against the window, the wind angrily tearing at the trees in the courtyard. Would I get a second chance or was this the end of the line? Ultimately, it is all in the hands of twelve strangers - and there is nothing I can do about it. In many ways, this helplessness drives me closer and closer to the edge.

"Would you do it again?" Jenna's question breaks through my thoughts.

"What?" I counter, damn well knowing what she is referring to.

"Kill him." I imagine hearing a nuance of criticism in her voice but I could be mistaken.

I let the air escape sharply through my lips. "I honestly don't know. I wonder every day how my life would have turned out if I hadn't done it and the only thing I'm almost certain about is that I would have been screwed regardless. That doesn't mean that I didn't make many bad choices to get here but whatever I do, I can't take them back. I have to live with them and that thought really scares me."

"Yeah," she agrees. "That's the problem with choices - they stick with us until the end of times."

She returns to her work and I keep staring outside, conscious of every second passing by. The world seems to be moving in slow motion, every minute pure agony. I wasn't sure how I could cope with this for days, hoping the jury would finally pass judgment.

When it gets dark, I get more irritated, my stomach growling. I realize I didn't have lunch and Pam offers to order us some Chinese food. I eat the fried noodles with chop sticks right from the carton and though it is not even that good, I devour every bite. The smallest of things I used to take for granted are highlights of my day and just as Doc's pizza, any takeout food is a nice change to the jail grubs.

It must be close to eight when the judge wants us back in the courtroom and offers the jury to recess for the night. They don't go for it and insist to continue their deliberation. Pam frowns and confirms they should be close to a decision. This causes a new wave of anxiety to wash over me and for a moment, my chest feels restricted. There is relief and apprehension at the same time that it could actually be over tonight.

I'm back to pacing, wondering what the jurors are discussing. How many are on my side and how many have made up their mind that I was guilty? My fingers play absentmindedly with a strand of my hair, twisting it around my index finger and I sigh in desperation.

Another five minutes pass, another ten, then an hour. My nails are chewed down to the skin and I finally slouch on a chair, burying my face into my hands. The junior lawyer went home after dinner and I'm all alone, the howling wind and the rush of the rain my only companions.

I sulk until the door opens quietly and Pam pokes her head in. "They reached a verdict."

Her words throw me in a frenzy as I shoot up from my seat. My heart is racing, my mouth dry as a shiver runs through me and I gasp for air. My palms are covered with sweat and my tension is growing with every step I take towards the courtroom. A few spectators are still loitering, most of them members of the press, and of course my dad and Brent's parents. There is no sign of Marcus when Judge Mitchellson walks in.

"Where is Mr. Forrester?"

"We called him and he is on his way," the court clerk assures.

The wait continues. Pam drums softly on the table, her face anxious all of a sudden. Crazy thoughts cross my mind from her knowing and not wanting to tell me to some misfortunate event which would make the judge retry the whole case. Of course it's silly but I can't help it.

Finally, the court room doors open and Marcus strolls in, followed by Chantal. They are both dressed really nicely and from the look of things, they must have been out on a date. There is a smug expression on his face when he apologizes to the court for his delay - it is his wedding anniversary. I glance at Chantal who gives me a small wave and grimaces before taking a seat in the back row.

And then the jurors are led in. They fill the jury box one by one, avoiding all eye contact. I fear the worse - sure that they decided to give me the needle. Judge Mitchellson waits until they have settled down.

"My clerk informed me that you have reached the verdict."

The new juror, Miles something, stands up - he must be the jury foreman. "We have, Your Honor."

He hands a piece of paper to the bailiff who obediently carries it to the judge who in turn inspects it. I bite my lip hard until it hurts while I wait for Mitchellson to speak.

"The verdict seems in order." The paper is returned to Miles as the judge addresses me. "Would the defendant please rise and face the jury."

Pam and I both jump on our feet and for a moment, I am scared that I wouldn't hear the verdict over my pounding heartbeat. Sweat pours from every pore of my body and I clench my fists, my teeth threatening to break under my clenched jaw.

"Could you please read the verdict aloud for the record, Mr. Tumi."

Miles clears his throat. "On the charge of murder in the first degree, we, the jury, find... the defendant Rena Cooper...not guilty."

A sigh escapes my throat and I clutch my mouth - I could have hugged him. The death penalty is off the table but I realize that I am not out of the woods yet which dampens my excitement. My heart's race for freedom is back on. There is mumbling among the spectators until Judge Mitchellson quiets them down with her gavel.

All eyes are on Miles who relishes the attention.

"On the charge of murder in the second degree....," he hesitates for a moment and gazes me straight in the eyes. I squirm in surprise under his intense glare before he continues.

"We, the jury, find... the defendant Rena Cooper... guilty...as charged."

OK - the verdict is in. I know many of you hoped for a different outcome but I just couldn't get myself to give Rena a free ticket out of jail. It would have sent the wrong message. I believe that her actions were not reasonable under the circumstance and generally don't condone self justice. So she is guilty - of Murder 2 which in most jurisdictions is called manslaughter.

But I promise that hope is not lost for Rena - her sentencing will be next which will also conclude this novel.

Please feel free to rant and rage and ask questions - some of the reasoning will also be part of the next chapter. I hope you will still read on and continue to accompany Rena on her path. Please leave comments and let me have your thoughts and I would be thrilled if you would vote even if the outcome was not what you expected.