This chapter is dedicated to julietlyons whose story 'Dating The Undead' always gives me a breather when I need it the most XD.

38 - Choices Can Change Everything  

It was almost six thirty when Brent finally decided to show up. He greeted me with a loud "Honey, I'm home," while I was cuddled up on the sofa, staring into nothing. I was in a terrible mood - dinner was as good as ruined because he didn't tell me he would be late and my stomach was growling. I could have already eaten without him but was afraid he would get upset.

He poked his head into the living room. "Sorry I'm late, hon. Me and the guys grabbed a couple of beers after class and I didn't want to say no." He must have noticed my sullen face because he quickly added. "I hope you aren't mad."

My quick smile was faker than ever. "Of course not. I just wished you had called so I would have known."

It was meant in a 'I would have waited to cook the pasta' kind of way but he must have thought I was actually worried.

He pulled me up and wrapped his arms around me. "You know what they say - no news is good news. You would be the first to know if something ever happened to me."

I suppressed the desire to wiggle out of his embrace, resting my head against his chest. His fingers entangled my hair and he tilted my head backwards, gazing deep into my eyes. "Don't worry, Rena, I'm not going anywhere. Ever...."

Those words made me cringe inside - they had so much finality to them. I couldn't tell the mood he was in, his irises were of that smoldering solid gray that could either turn dark to make him vicious or change into the intense dark blue that would require me to fulfill my girlfriend duties. Either way, I was not looking forward to the rest of the evening.

His fingers caressed my cheek and I stood frozen, waiting for his next move. His lips found mine and I willingly opened my mouth to allow our tongues to connect. I tasted alcohol and smoke and wanted to push him away in disgust - he knew how much I hated when he didn't chew gum after one of his bar visits. He didn't notice, grinding against me.

I was relieved when he didn't continue but playfully squeezed my butt. "Let's eat - I'm starving. What's for dinner?"

I gave him an automatic smile. "Chicken & Spinach Mostaccioli. I thought I'd try something new and hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will. You know I'm a sucker for anything with chicken and pasta and spinach works well."

It was my cue to get on with dinner and I obediently walked towards the kitchen with him on my heels.

While the meal was heating up, I remembered I hadn't delivered his father's message from earlier in the afternoon. "Your dad called. Your mom took a bad fall and had to go to the hospital but she will be OK. She broke her wrist and has a slight concussion."

I watched how his face darkened for a few seconds but he didn't comment. I was sure that his mother's hospital stay was a result of one of Ryan's beatings but didn't probe and turned my attention back to the food. He was right behind me, his breath grazing my neck.

Stirring, I asked: "Did your mom ever try to leave your dad?"

I felt him tense and could have kicked myself for the stupid question. Mentally, I was ready for a smack but he answered me instead.

"I know she thought about it when I was little, especially when he beat me hard. Luckily, she was realistic enough to grasp that he would get custody of me - my dad really knows how to work the system. I'm glad she stuck it out and didn't make me choose sides."

I remembered Marcus and Chantal and how she went back to him when he took the kids from her. Soon, I would be in the same position - a housewife with a small child without any money or place to go, married to a man who could dazzle anybody to get what he wanted and freely beat up on me. Leaving would be no longer an option if there was even the slightest chance he could take my little baby away.

I fought the sudden lump in my throat and portion the chicken dish onto the plates. When I sat the frying pan back onto the stove, I used too much force and the wooden spoon developed a mind of its own, dropping to the floor. A cold chill washed over me when I realized I made a mess and I instinctively cowered on the ground, rolling into a ball. Protecting the growing embryo inside me was my only thought.

He slowly picked up the spoon and squatted next to me. "Hey Rena, look at me."

I did what I was being told and found his eyes. They were full of concern. "I don't want you to be afraid of me. I know you have been trying real hard to please me and so have I and I promise you, we will not end up like my mom and dad. We love each other and that's the most important thing."

My eyes fell onto the bullet next to the salt shaker and frozen in fear, I nodded in agreement.

His fingers traced the burn mark on my hand. "I swear I will never hurt you like this again. I'm so sorry - I totally lost it though it was mostly your fault."

I nodded again and fought the tears with everything I had. Those were just words he would never keep. If I ever left and started a relationship with someone new, he would kill him and cut me up into pieces - he had said so himself during our weekend away.

He pulled me on my feet and carried the plates to the table.

"Come on, let's eat. This smells absolutely delicious. Are you hungry?"

My appetite had totally vanished but I had to think of the baby and sat down. He poured himself a glass of white wine and held up the bottle. "Want one?"

I sure wasn't going to drink during my pregnancy. "No, I'll get some ice tea."

He signaled me to stay put and poured me a large glass of lemon tea before claiming his seat across from me. With a wide smile, he took his first bite and when he confirmed how nice it tasted, I was given the green light to eat as well.

With great effort, I started to pick at my food. We ate in silence for a while and the ticking of the grandfather clock reminded me of his torture just a week earlier. Mechanically, I took a bite, chewed and swallowed, my mind a thousand miles away. I thought what it would be like the first time he laid hands on our child.

I wanted to test the waters - I owed that to the little being inside me and just prayed he wouldn't get mad.

"Brent, once we have kids, would you ever hit them?"

His eyes narrowed slightly. "Children crave discipline and boundaries, Rena." He took a sip from his wine. "Don't get me wrong, my father went overboard at times but mostly, it was my own fault. And considering how many of my friends turned out, I'm glad he put his foot down once in a while."

He took another sip, all fired up. "I mean, look at many of the teenagers today. They have no respect for each other or their elders, no focus or life goals. Half the people in my class just go to college for fun - they have no clue what they want to do and switch majors like underwear. I'm telling you, having a strict father isn't all that bad."

While I agreed that children needed to learn the rules, I didn't necessarily agree with his father's methods. I was amazed how he turned into Ryan more and more these days after telling me all those heart wrenching stories just a few months ago. Come to think of it, he had never actually criticized his father for beating him but had just given an account like a historic bystander would for an eager audience.

After dinner, he helped me clean up and suggested to watch a movie. He wanted something light and funny and chose 'Nine Months' of all options - maybe he had a premonition or wanted to send me a message that it was time for me to get pregnant again.

We were about half way through the movie, when he hit the pause button and stretched.

"I think I'm tucking in for the night. I have had a bad headache on and off all day and need to lie down."

I was sure he expected me to tag along but he kissed the tip of my nose and said: "Just stay and watch the rest of the movie. Good night."

I gave him a small smile. "Sleep tight. I hope you'll feel better in the morning."

He wouldn't be alive in the morning - those were the last words we would ever exchange.

I started to relax as soon as I heard the bedroom door close upstairs and turned the movie back on. At some point, I made a mental note to buy 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting' when I had some extra money - sounded like a pretty useful book for a pregnant woman.

I don't remember at which part of the movie I drifted off to sleep - I was exhausted and still tense and the unwelcome dream I didn't have in almost ten years returned unexpectedly.

It is raining and dark, the headlights blinding my eyes every so often. A song is playing on the radio and my mom hummed along, joining with the chorus 'You don't know my name, round and round and round we go'.

Her voice isn't steady and almost overpowers the music. I wrinkle my nose at the smell coming from her mouth when she gazes at me every so often, sucking on my lollypop. I'm strapped into my car seat on the passenger side. At the next traffic light, she turns to me with a twinkle in her eyes, her warm hand squeezing mine.

'I love you, honey, never forget that.'

'I love you too, mommy.'

I'm tired and want to go home - Caroline's birthday party was exhausting. She just turned five today and is as old as me now and I won't be able to pretend any longer that she is my younger sister. I begged for Santa last Christmas to bring me a little brother or sister and my mom had told me yesterday that I would finally get my wish so I'm OK with it.

The music switches to something more upbeat as we drive through the night and I notice my mom's eyes fluttering. She seems to be just as tired as me. For a second, I glare out of the side window, feeling myself drifting off. The vibration of the engine runs soothingly through my body.

The next headlight is approaching fast and much stronger than the others. I am catapulted forward in my seat, the belt cutting hard into my chest and a pain throbs through me. In the next second, my head flies backwards again and hits hard against the cushion, a cry escaping my lips. My head is about to explode and the tears begin to flow as I'm starting to get sick. My lollipop struck hard against my teeth and I taste something nasty in my mouth. I shriek loudly because I'm scared.

The car seems to be flying through the air and I hear a horrible squeaking sound as I am turned upside down. The car keeps skidding as I scream until the sound is muffled by the fluffy pillow that is pushed hard into my face. Something warm from my nose is trickling down my face. I'm terrified.

And then the car finally comes to a halt. I look at the spot where my mom was just moments ago but her seat is empty, only another white pillow in its place. A draft and rain pouring in from the broken windshield sent shivers through my body which in turn causes excruciating pain to flood through me.

"Mommy, where are you?" I whimper. "I'm hurt. Please help me."

There is no answer, the only sounds are the downpour hitting against the metal of the car, my racing heartbeat and my clattering teeth. The pain is getting stronger and I can't move. The salt of my tears mixing with my blood in my mouth and I choke, pain raging through me. Every breath I take is pure agony.

"Mommy, please help me," I whisper. "Where are you? Please, please, you have to make this pain go away."

I keep pleading but it is to no avail, she never comes for me. I am all alone and helpless.

When I woke up, I sat up straight on the sofa, my hands shaking and it took me a minute to realize where I was. My eyes wandered to the TV, the movie was finished and had jumped back to the main menu. I pulled the blankets closer around me, trying to calm my trembling body. I had always hated these vivid dreams.

My throat was dry and my head was pounding. I got up and went into the kitchen to get a couple of Advil from the medicine cabinet, remembering in the last moment that they might not be good for the baby. I poured myself a large glass of milk, laughing to myself. I used to hate plain milk but had developed a craving over these last few days - a clear sign that my baby wanted to be fed.

I slid down to the floor and leaned my back against the fridge. The dream brought back a lot of bad memories. I had hated my mom for just leaving me, for not coming to my rescue when I had needed her. I had wanted her to hold me, make the pain go away and dry my tears. With every breath I had taken that night, I had resented her more and more and when she hadn't shown up, I had become enraged as the pain kept battling my helpless body. I had never realized that she was gone forever. In the end, two firefighters had been my heroes of the night.

And that's when it hit me. The dream was a message - it was my future. That was how my baby would feel if I didn't save him now - if I didn't leave Brent and allowed him to hurt my innocent child. He would be crying, begging for my help but I would be powerless to stop his father. In so many ways, it would be even worse than the abandonment of my mother because I would just stand idly by, afraid to do anything to ease his suffering.

I knew I was too weak to do this alone and called Kade who blew me off. The second call to him made me realize that I was truly on my own this time. He wouldn't come to my rescue, his career and pride were more important - he left me just like my mom when I needed him the most. I could now only rely on my own - it was up to me to save my baby from harm.

I paced back and forth in the kitchen, feeling like the little five year old again who was all alone in the dark pleading for her mother to save her. A piece of my heart was torn from me that night and I had never recovered. Tears streamed down my face when the pain that I had hidden so well inside me forced its way back to the surface - I cried out, unable to breathe. This was what I would be condemning my child to if Brent remained a part of our life, my baby's future would be lost before it even began.

My sorrowful sob resonated in the kitchen and I hit my fist against the wall, over and over again until my knuckles ached, angry at myself for even getting into this situation. If Brent hurt my child, it would be my fault. It was my responsibility to protect him and not abandon him like my mother abandoned me.

My first instinct was to run and hide, maybe even ask my father for protection. Then I remembered Marcus again and how he showed up at the shelter. Brent would be the same - one day, he would just slap court papers in my face and take my baby. Leaving him would definitely backfire in the end.

My eyes kept wandering to the knife block. I knew that the only way of ever getting free of him would be if he was dead. The thought alone sent shivers down my spine. I could never take a human life - it was wrong in all respects. I chewed my thumb nail, ignoring the iron taste and burning of my raw flesh.

Brent's words kept echoing in my head. 'I will find you even if you ran to the end of the world.' 'I'm telling you, having a strict father isn't all that bad.' 'Each and every one of these bullets can be placed into a revolver and end your pitiful life.' 'I'm not going anywhere. Ever...'.

I realized that sooner or later, my child would be at his mercy and the only way to truly protect him was to get rid of Brent for good.

I pulled a knife out of the block and weighed it in my hand. If I went through with this, there would be no turning back and it would be a choice I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Back then, I thought it was the right one - the only one.

My legs carried me automatically to the bedroom - I was in a trance, an invisible power pushing me forward. Brent's beatings flashed in front of my eyes as I walked up the stairs, the belt hurting my ears as it swished through the air, the cigarettes burning sharply into my skin, yet what was most disturbing were his flaming eyes - his rage propelled me forward. I never wanted him to look at my baby that way and I would make damn sure he wouldn't get a chance.

It was dark in the bedroom and I hesitated by the door, listening to his even breath. His silhouette was barely distinguishable from the blankets. As I moved forward, I felt like a star in a really bad movie, the whole scene didn't even feel real. I stalked up on him, careful not to make a sound and wake him. If he knew what I had in store for him, he would overpower me easily and kill me and the baby instead. It was my last desperate attempt of survival for me and my child.

Both my hands wrapped around the handle of the knife and I raised my arms. There was no second thought when I rammed the blade into his groin just above the part of him that had hurt me on so many occasions. His eyes flew open, glistening in the moonlight, glazed with utter shock and confusion. I wasn't even sure if the pain had registered at the time but then his shouts filled the room when I sliced upwards, unable to contain myself.

The whole time, my pleading cries for my mother echoed in my mind, Brent's vicious eyes when he hurt me, my child screaming for my help and most of all, this terrible pain that was raging through me - a pain that would only go away if I continued. I sliced up and up, the rawness of my act trivial in comparison to what he would do my child's future.

When I couldn't go higher, I pulled out the knife and it dropped to the ground at the same time as my trembling body. My screams mixed with Brent's, I sobbed and wanted to take it back when I realized how much he was suffering. At some point, his shouts were reduced to a whimper and his breath became shallow.

I was frozen - in fear and total repulsion. I couldn't move, just staring into his eyes while his lips were trying to form incomprehensible words.

"I'm sorry," I screeched. "I'm only doing this to protect him."

I cradled myself into my arms, rocking back and forth, watching how the life went out in his eyes. And when it finally did, my soul was torn from me in an uproar of emotions - guilt, terror, panic but most of all, there was this utmost relief that it was finally over.

OK - that's it. On gut feeling, what would you decide - is Rena guilty or innocent?

This was a hard chapter to write because I wanted it to be perfect. Please speak up in your comments - I would really like to know if this chapter met your expectations (any suggestions to make it better are of course welcome and appreciated).

Thanks for reading. There will be three more chapters coming up including the jury verdict. Please vote if you felt that this chapter deserved it.