This chapter is dedicated to ScottButcher. Thanks for reviewing the first two chapters in so much detail, your comments were incredibly valuable and appreciated.

33 - Hitting Rock Bottom  

I squat in the middle of the prison yard, leaning heavily onto the basketball to keep my balance. My skin feels sticky and the air is perfectly still, the humidity just as pressing as the guilt on my consciousness. After I got back from court, I asked if I could still get my hour outside and they agreed. I thought the fresh air would lift my spirits but it didn't help one bit. I flushed my whole life down the toilet and not just mine – my dad's, Brent's parents and my son's. Tears pool my eyes when he starts kicking in agreement.

Dark clouds cover up the sun and a flash lights up the sky. I'm startled when the thunder rolls like a scolding voice. I'm scared. The guards swore to me that my dad was alright but I desperately want to hear it from his own mouth. Visiting hours will be tomorrow and I am sure he will come by. I can't wait to tell him how sorry I am for everything I have put him through. I will tell him how much I love him – just like doc suggested – and maybe, just maybe, he will at least not hate me any longer. Yet, I would understand if he did – after all, I hate myself.

I can't get Marcus's aftershave out of my nose and the mere thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I finally figured out what he has been doing to Patrice – forcing himself on her against her will. Since she is not his biological daughter, he probably thinks it's OK and sees himself as the next Woody Allen or something. In many ways, he is worse than Brent. I know he was just trying to get a rise out of me when he threatened he would visit me on death row and he succeeded – the image of his hands on my body terrifies me.

A slight breeze caresses my skin and another flash dashes across the sky. This time, I'm prepared for the thunder and as the sound echoes in my ears, a tear rolls down my cheek. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms and cuddle up with the blanket pulled over my head until my dad would come into my room and comfort me. I think my mom sang to me when I was really little but truthfully, I don't even remember her. I banned all memories from my mind when she died and just left me behind and over the years, they faded beyond recognition. If someone asked me about her hair color, I wouldn't even know.

My eyes travel towards the sky – she is up there, glaring down on me in utter disgust and disappointment or maybe she is waiting for me in hell, cheering me on. Like mother, like daughter, though she at least did not kill the family in cold blood. It was an accident after all even if she had been drinking. She didn't purposely stab them in the groin like I did Brent, temporarily relishing the power for just one heartbeat. When my brain screamed to stop, my hand kept going. I don't even know why – it was out of my control.

And now I am in this dump of a jail, waiting to be found guilty for the crime I committed and be sentenced to death. A raindrop grazes my face, mixing with another tear. It seems like the sky is mourning for what I did. I don't deserve mercy. There were options I ignored, mistakes that could have been avoided if I had just opened my eyes to reality. I was stubborn and stupid, causing pain and suffering on everyone around me and destroying many lives in the process. I realize my mind is drifting in circles – I am back at the beginning. It's like a wheel of guilt spinning in my head around and around. It will continue torturing me until the day I take my last breath.

Thelma who has been waiting patiently in the shade is walking over to me.

"Sorry, Rena, but your time is up for today."

My eyes rise to the sky once again with pleading, asking for the touch of raindrops on my skin just one last time. Wash everything away – my guilt, my sorrow, my pain. After the thunderstorm, the sun will shine again and maybe a rainbow will even magically appear across the sky, like the ones I saw when I visited my grandparents in Mackinac Island. I would probably never see a rainbow again or breathe the cooled air after a storm. My grandpa and I used to go for a walk when the ground was still wet, shovel in hand, trying to get to the end of the colorful arch.

'We'll find a treasure,' he promised.

Today, I would settle for one little glimpse at happiness. That would be worth more than any riches of the world.

I rise awkwardly, my knees and legs stiff from crouching down too long and when I move towards the building, the slight ache, throbbing through me, reminds me of all the things I will miss. I will never be able to hold my little boy when he is afraid of the dark, dry his tears when he falls of his bike and assure him that things will be OK when a girl breaks his heart. Some other mommy will be there for him and he will love her with everything he got.

He will likely never know that I even existed and that he had a father who died at the hands of his mother. In so many ways, it will be better for him – truthfully, I wouldn't even know where to begin. How do you tell a child that his father used to beat the crap out of you and you were stupid enough not to do anything about it other than striking back at him in the most violent fashion? My son would never understand and turn his back on me, abandon me which would be worse than dying. I couldn't handle watching the light of love go out in his eyes.

All of a sudden, I have an urge to call my father.

"Do you think I could call my dad just once?" I beg Thelma.

Her face softens. "Usually, it's against the rules when you're on suicide watch but I will allow you to make a collect call under the circumstances. We'll call it a medical emergency."

I shoot her a thankful smile and she leads me to the phones but when I pick up the receiver, my courage deserts me. I remind myself that I was the reason my dad fainted by getting charged with the death penalty to begin with. Why do I always have to mess things up? 

"I forgot he is working tonight," I mutter under my breath.

"You could always try later," Thelma suggests. "I will make sure..."

I cut her off. "That's OK. I already caused enough trouble as it is and will see him tomorrow anyways."

She shrugs and I follow her as she returns me to my cell. The door slams shut and I close my eyes, trying to suppress a full blown tear disaster. As usual, curling up on my bed is the only thing to do other than sitting on the cold cement floor and I pull up the blanket over my eyes, longing for darkness. If death felt that way, it wouldn't even be that bad.

                                                                xxxx

I find myself on a beautiful meadow, exploding in a colorful sea of flowers. The scent is unbelievable and somehow, I feel at peace. A beautiful rainbow is painted across the sky and I run along, my wide long skirt swinging around my legs. I can't even remember owning something that vibrant and the soft material tickles my skin. I chuckle as I get closer to the end of the arc, my heart pounding in my chest in anticipated excitement of what I might discover when I reach my destination.

To my surprise, there is a basket out of which the rainbow pours high up into the sky. A low whimper originates from the folds of a blanket and I bend down with curiosity burning inside me. The eyes of the baby boy are of the same light gray color as the little scattered clouds in the sky, glowing with utmost happiness. He giggles when the sun plays on his face, his mouth curved to the most amazing smile with little dimples in his cheeks. He is the most adorable being I have ever laid my eyes on.

My hand reaches out to ruffle his already unruly light brown hair when a voice freezes every part of my body.

"What are you going to tell him, Rena, when he asks about his father?"

I slowly raise my head and there he is, leaning casually against a tree in the most seductive fashion – it is Brent with all his charms and sex appeal. There isn't a scratch on him and he regards me with a wide grin, waiting for my next move.

"I-I don't know," I stutter, not able to tear my eyes of him. How can he be alive – I killed him.

The smile vanishes from his face as he starts to stalk deliberately towards me, like a lion approaching his prey. A cold breeze flushes over me and I gaze up into the sky. The sun is hiding behind dark, thick clouds and a warning thunder rolls in the distance. My whole body is covered with goosebumps and my scalp prickles under the sudden tension in the air.

I move my body instinctively to shield the baby boy from harm but the basket has vanished together with the rainbow. Darkness falls around me when Brent stops right in front of me.

"Tell me you were a bad girl, Rena. Tell me you want me to punish you."

I stare at him with trembling lips, tears pooling my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Brent," I whisper. "I never meant any of this to happen. I was just trying..."

"Quiet," he booms, his eyes as dark as the night around me. "You are a cold hearted killer and deserve what is coming to you. You are not worthy of anyone's love."

He starts to unloop his belt, slowly and with malice. I am sure he will beat me to death this time and I try to stand up to run away but my legs seem to have disappeared. I try to scream for help but only a gurgling sound escapes my throat.

The buckle of the belt glints in the darkness as he raises his arm, the punishing strap of leather flying towards me. I am unable to breathe upon impact, the belt not only tearing into my skin but ripping into my throbbing soul. Another blow hits me and tears stream down my face. I taste the salt on my lips as I try to mutter pleading words for forgiveness.

He stops and bends down, his fingers tucking a lose strand of my hair behind my ears before grazing down my neck.

"This was just a little teaser, honey. I will be back tomorrow night, and the night after that. I will never leave you alone and there is no place for you to run and hide. I will be with you until the day we are reunited in hell and that's when the real fun will begin."

I am breaking under his glare. "Please, Brent, forgive me," I mumble with great effort.

But he can't hear me any longer - he is gone.

I glance around and realize that I am in some type of basement. The grass of the meadow is gone and a cement floor in its place. The walls around me are high and intimidating. A flickering neon light in the ceiling covers the room and the hallway outside in a dim light. Cold chills run down my spine and my heart is beating in my throat, mixing with the sound of blood beating in the same rhythm in my ears. I am startled when a drop of water splashes on my forehead and a small yelp leaks from my lips.

I straighten and make my way towards the doorway. The whole place is deserted but there is a door just a few feet away. I wonder if this is the exit and step forward, cold sweat soaking the collar of my shirt. I hesitate for a moment but there is no other place to go and I take a chance.

The room on the other side is lit by hundreds of small candles with an incredible scent of vanilla and lavender. There is a large four poster bed in the center with black and crimson silk sheets. Soft soothing music is playing in the background and flower petals are scattered on the floor, taking the last bit of ugliness from the cold corridor away.

With fascination, I cross the threshold and the door closes behind me with a bang.

"I was expecting you, baby."

My stomach turns to ice and I spin around to run but the door is gone. I pound against the wall, trying to scream but there is no sound other than his wicked laughter.

"What's the matter, baby. Scared you can't handle a real man."

Marcus's arms wrap around my waist as he turns me to face him. The flickering candlelight, playing in his ebony eyes, allows for a seductive glow when he presses against me, his lips finding mine. He forces his tongue inside my mouth and I recoil in disgust. The scent of his aftershave overpowers my senses. My fists batter on his back but he doesn't even seem to notice.

He forces me onto the bed and his hands find its way under my shirt. I want to push him away but my body is limp, every single muscle paralyzed in my body. I am totally helpless as he starts on my panties - I can't scream, fight him or escape. I am totally at his mercy.

After he has gotten rid of my clothes, his eyes wander approvingly over my naked body.

"This will be great. You are just as innocent as Patrice."

As he pushes inside me, a loud shriek finally escapes my throat.

The sound still resonates in my ears when I awake with a startle, drenched in sweat, my face wet from my tears. This was the worst nightmare yet. I lay still in the darkness, trying to calm my ragged breath and racing heartbeat. That's when a small sob shakes my body as I imagine that this how it will be for the remainder of my pitiful life.

I know this was a pretty heavy chapter - a little different from the more action pact ones before but it was important for me to show you Rena's mindset before we dive into the big trial in the next chapters. Next, you will finally be able to read all about Kade's testimony (I know that this is much anticipated).

I hope you still liked this chapter - if so, please don't forget to vote. I would also like to hear from you - so please capture your thoughts in the comment section. Did this chapter work for you? Do you think you are in Rena's mind? Can you sympathize?

Thanks for reading and all your support up to this point. Writing would be only half as much fun without you, my readers.