tw: there is a PTSD episode in this chapter. if you have not heard of this type of anxiety or PTSD episode i urge you to do your own research. i didn't make this up as a possibility. i've actually met someone who's affected like this. it's not very common but it can happen.

thea's pov

Everyone was silent.

It felt as if the world had stopped and I was alone. Alone with my thoughts, simply watching the world, and the people around me.

I looked around me, and looking into Acacia's eyes made me pause. Her eyes were blank; her mind seemed to be far away from the world around her. In my mind, Acacia's eyes and that of my kidnappers' were beginning to blur together. It was hard to process the sudden connection and remembering those hateful eyes that mirrored Acacia's own was jarring. I knew Acacia was not my kidnapper. I knew that. Acacia was a victim in this as well, but the sudden onslaught of my memories was making it harder to compartmentalize the two. I was spiraling into my memories. I felt myself losing my grip on reality as I lost myself in my mind.

*

sebastian's pov

Before my brain could even process Thea's words before my shock was replaced with worry. I watched her eyes fade and gloss over as she stared blankly. Her eyes, usually so expressive, held nothing as I tried to meet her gaze. She was blank.

"Little One?" My voice was hoarse as I spoke. I didn't even recognize my own voice, it sounded so weak. It felt as if the air had been knocked out of me.

I was an Alpha.

Alpha's cannot have weaknesses.

When you have so many relying on you, you have to be the picture of strength. There is no room for a misstep; one misstep, one mistake could result in innocent lives lost. My pack looks to me, and the weight of that responsibility never leaves me.

I was helpless, frozen in my place, as I watched my mate slip away into her memories. I moved to place my hand on her shoulder, my instinct begging for me to comfort her, but she jerked away. She didn't seem to see me, but someone else. Her mind was somewhere else, not in reality.

I turned around, looking for guidance from Ainsley. I realized that Jace and Acacia seemed to have left in the midst of Thea's episode, which was probably for the best. It seems that she now connects Acacia in someway to her kidnapping. I wasn't sure what to make of what Thea had revealed. Ainsley's look of concern only made the panic I felt worse.

"Ainsley! What the hell is happening?"

Before Ainsley can even speak Thea's body tenses and begins to seize.  Her eyes were wide open, but vacant of emotion as her body shook with sudden spasms. Before I could move towards Thea,  Ainsley had rushed over to her and maneuvers her onto her side. She kept her eyes on Thea's chest as she breathed, but refrained from restricting her limbs as the spasms continued.

"Ainsley?! What is going on? What are you doing?" I feel like I'm outside of my own body watching everything happen. I have no idea what to do. I'm completely useless to my mate in her time of need.

"Alpha, you need to be calm. Thea is having a seizure. All we can do is wait and watch her breathing. We can't restrict her movements, because we don't want to further injure her. As long as she is not injuring herself her movements can do her no further harm." Ainsley's voice is calm, but you can hear the edge of concern in her voice. She put up a cool front, but I didn't miss the slight tremor in her hands. I didn't understand. Thea was healthy. Why would she be having a seizure?

"Why? H-How? She-" I couldn't get any coherent sentence out, my mind couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. Why was this happening? Why, my Thea? She's been through enough. She's one of the strongest women I knew, both her and Acacia. I can't help but ask God to give these poor women a break. Right now I can't see God's reasoning for putting these roadblocks in my life. I just can't see over the hill in this situation right now.

"I can't tell you why it's happening, but sometimes people with PTSD or other anxiety disorders can have what is called Dissociative Seizures. When memories or situations become too much for their brain to handle they dissociate and escape into their own mind. It is the brain's way of coping with a situation that is traumatic. With Thea opening up that memory and then seeing a person who reminds her of that memory likely triggered her fight or flight response."

As Ainsley explained, Thea began to come back from her episode. Her eyes were still glassy, but she was no longer shaking erratically. I felt myself breathing a sigh of relief as I saw the life come back into Thea's eyes. Everyone in the room was silent. No one had said a word, and all I could do was stand stock still waiting for someone to give me an idea of what to do. I didn't want to move too quickly and trigger another episode for Thea, but all I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and hold her close. I wanted to feel her heartbeat against my chest, and know she was OK. I wanted to know that she was with me. Safe. I felt out of control, and I didn't know how to handle that. I wasn't used to feeling out of control. I'm an Alpha. My whole life revolves around my ability to control the situations around me.

Thea's PTSD is invisible. It is not a tangible problem you can see, and "fix." I felt absolutely useless to her. I felt like I was failing her by not being able to take away her anxiety. I know that she doesn't feel that way. I know she sees the situation as her being the burden, but I see her as the epitome of strength. I feel so weak in comparison to her. She amazes me more and more every step of the way. She has endured so much in her life, and she is still functioning. She's still getting up every day and living. She has every excuse in the world to just lay down and give up, but she fights.

God, you brought Thea into my life like a shining beacon of love that I never knew I needed. I am so thankful you gave me such a sweet, loving, and caring mate. I'm so grateful for all the blessings you have given me, and I don't deserve all the grace you have given me. But Thea does. She has lived a life straight out of nightmares, but through your grace has survived. She has endured so much, and all I want is for her to feel peace. Please. God, give her peace.