We finished our lunch and we were heading back to our classes, it took every ounce of courage in me to actually start talking again
 
  "uumm...wait for me after all classes are over, will you?" It came out almost as a whisper, but I was still proud of myself for managing through

   "Sure, I'll wait by the entrance"
 
"ok, I'll meet you there" and with that we went our own separate ways ... Shit..I forgot to tell him I have detention!

   I pulled my phone out to see a text message from him!

  Oh no not Raymond ...my worst nightmare,

  how does he keep finding my numbers?!

   "How is my baby girl doing today?"

   I deleted the text and simply searched for Rainbow's contact name,

      I sent him a text telling him about my detention and that if he wanted to leave then it would be ok, of course he replied a few seconds later "nah I'll wait"
damn it!! Worth a shot.

****

     I barely got through history class , fuck it was boring. And my teacher was even more so.

   I left the classroom and walked down the hall debating whether I should go forward with this.. I was so nervous as i found myself near the gate and saw Raymond by the football field chatting with some of his athlete friends.
  
  He loved to play but simply wasn't good enough to make the team, he waved to me from a far and sprinted towards me

  "Hey Amelia, enjoyed detention?" He said with a smirk, He knows I hate Ms Buckler more than anything.
 
    "Yeah I did .. You know how much I love Miss Bucket" he chuckled " I love how you give everyone nicknames... All though I hate mine!" He confessed
"oh come on Rainbow is really cool!" I couldn't help but to laugh out loud.
  
     "You're forgetting one thing though.... I'm not gay!"
  
  "You sure look like one" I replied under my breath. Not meaning it in any offensive way and he knew that, if anything it was a compliment. I am a huge supporter for the LGBTQ+ community

   "Hey! I heard that!" He said with a wide smile trying to frown but just couldn't.. It just was so damn funny
  
   "Oh come on Raymond! ...you basically look like a Ken dall "
 
  "Ken is not gay ..he has Barbie" he replied wiggling his eye brows

    "You are all being fooled" I stated out loud spreading my arms wide ... We couldn't help but burst into laughter while people eyed us with confused looks.
   
  We headed home, walking kind of slowly, I kept my eyes on the pavement eyeing it strangely and I think I started counting the tiles, basically doing anything to distract myself from what's ahead
 
  "Shoot" I tensed when he spoke and looked up at him for a second then straight back down

   "Uuumm...i-i n-need to tell you s-somthing" he looked down at me strangely waiting for me to finish..."Yes?..."

   I took a deep breath... Almost choked in the process.. What the fuck, the inner me hid behind a couch sneaking peeks once in a while..that bitch left me alone! But it must be done now, i have to do this.

Here goes nothing..

    "I.... I've liked you for a long time now ..like really.. Liked you, i was wondering if you want to give us a shot" oh my god oh my god oh my god i did it  i finally did it!
 
   Waoh that's nice! It sure did feel good, like I somehow set myself free or something, a literal burden was lifted off my shoulders.
 
  I looked back up to meet his gaze...he was ... Smiling! Could it be! I was about to explode with whatever the hell I was feeling, my heart yet kept beating madly behind my ribs and I swear I could hear the blood pumping in my veins, everything seemed to go so fast in front of me

      "So this is the day huh?"

I had no idea what was that supposed to mean "I knew it would be soon but..."

  What's going on? Wasn't he smiling just a second a go?! No... He's still smiling, what's happening??
    
  "Amelia you already know the answer is no''

   did i really? Did I know that? No you fucking idiot i wouldn't of said a thing if I knew the answer was no!

     How could you be so naive?!
I thought we actually had a chance I thought.... No...maybe I didn't think at all, i lived way too long in my own imagination that i forgot about the reality.
I froze in front of him, not able to move a muscle. Only waited for him to finish delivering his stabbing words

     " y-yeah i-i guess i knew t-that ...I just wanted you to know t-that's all" i gulped trying to ignore the lump in my throat
 
    "I want us to stay friends Amelia... It's better that way" he kept his smile on his face , I've never hated that smile more

  ''Y-yeah ....I guess I'll head home then....s-see ya t-romorrow" I sprinted while I choked on my tears

  I didn't want him to see this vulnerable part of me, I didn't want anyone to see that part of me so I kept running until I was out of breath and lucky for me I was right at my front door, I entered as quietly as I could.. I didn't want my parents to see me like this
 
   God that lump in my throat really fucking hurts ...and it wouldn't go away,

****
 
    I was in my room on my bed wearing nothing but my Mettalica sweatshirt, my face deep in my pillow ....my heart aches evey time I take a breath, the inner me has finished her third bucket of ice cream.

     Fuck....this love shit is really hard ...nobody warned me, now I'm paying the price , I can't let anyone see my weak self... My fragile and vulnerable..weak self.
 
    After about 5 hours mom decided to come up to my room ..she knocked and entered when i didn't answer.
 
  "Honey I know you're tired but at least get something to eat before you sleep!"
  
    She sat next to me on the bed and stroked my  hair .. "Yes mom, I'll go down stairs later to get something don't worry" I reassured her with a fake smile "I'm just sleepy that's all" .
  
   I shouldn't have said that !

   ''It's because you stay up late watching anime that's why''
yup I knew that was coming , I could of told her my leg hurt for all I care and she'd say it's because of my phone ...moms..
  
    She kissed my forehead and wished me a good night and she left.
   
    I went down stairs an hour later...got a glass of milk and some chocolate cookies , fuck they were good, my poor tummy had nothing to do with my heartbreak
 
    She's her own individual self ..I went back to my room, watched some anime...but just to get Raymond out of my mind , it had nothing to do with the new episode coming out today .
 
     One season later and at around 4am I decided to just go to sleep all though I knew I wouldn't be able to, he just kept running through my mind. so annoying damn it! Will I ever recover from this?

  I snuggled in my blanket mouthing a Mettalica  song to keep myself from thinking about any other stuff and surely I started dazing off into a restless sleep
 
****

     I woke up the next morning with huge bags under my eyes and puffy red clearly-were-crying eyes ... Just perfect.
 
     I got dressed in some light color skinnies and a light pink Addidas hoodie. What can I say, I love my hoodies.
 
    I was fixing my hair one last time in the mirror... Oh! Almost forgot my attitude. I put my headphones on on full volume and wore this mental fuck off sign on my forehead... Perfect.

     With that I left my house and off I went on my way wondering what was going to happen today.

A/N: I am an LGBTQ+ FRIENDLY!
do not take any word i ever write as me not being supportive