Chapter 32

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I was not myself after speaking with my mother.

I fell into a deep depression state that not even my great boyfriend Mr. Perfect could get me out of.  I made it to all my classes, but barely. I was zoned out. I felt like a zombie walking through life.

I was still a kid! How was I supposed to take care of my mother and my little brother?

I didn't even answer my dad's calls. I couldn't talk to him right now. I wasn't going to tell him about my mother. I was embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, all those feelings and feelings I could not put a name on.

By the end of the week, I was in a deep state of depression, and even though Angel was driving down and bringing my friends, I was not in the mood. I had to put on a happy face and pretend. I was good at that in the last few years.

My roommates did not know what was up with me and they did not try and get me out of my mood. They kept their distance from me, afraid whatever I had would somehow jump to them.

"Rayvn, your stepmom and friends are here," Twyla told me when she opened my bedroom door.

I heard them knock, I knew it was them. Angel texted me when they arrived on campus, but I ignored her. This was not a good time to see her.

I groaned and rolled over in my bed, willing myself not to cry.

That's when Angel stormed into the room.

"Little girl, are you going to ignore me and your friends after we drove all the way here?"

As much as I loved Angel, right now the sound of her voice was cringe as fuck. It reminded me of when I was younger and first met Angel and everything she said annoyed me. She was too pretty, too bougie, she looked down on me and my sister like she hated the breath we breathed. She brought me pizza with no ranch as if that was a peace offering.

Angel only put up with us to get with my father. I hated her. She took my father away when his attention should have solely been on me for those little days I was able to see him. Angel took him away from my mother. If Angel was not around, maybe my father would have gotten back with my mother.

Instead, he married Angel, and my life at home with my mother became a living hell.

I wanted to blame Angel for everything. It all happened because of her and now here she was standing there, with her annoying voice.

"Go away!"

"Rave, what's going on?" Angel had pretend concern in her voice, but I knew she didn't care. She had her own kid and another on the way to worry about, not my poor depressed self.

"I don't want to see you or anyone right now, leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving till you tell me what's wrong."

Angel came over, sat on my bed, and stroked my hair. I flinched at her touch. Also, I missed her touch. I was conflicted. Was Angel the enemy?

She took my dad away but she also gave me something I never had before, a family.

I broke down and cried because I did not know what to think anymore. What was going on in my head? Had my mother messed me up so bad I wanted to push away the people that did care for me?

"Oh baby," Angel held me as I cried and continued to rub my hair. I couldn't say anything because there was nothing to say.

"Is she all right, Ms. Angel?" I heard JuJu ask.

I did not want to see my friends. I didn't want to see any of them, I wanted to be all alone.

"JuJu, why don't you and your cousin hang with Rayvn's roommates, I need a moment with Rayvn."

I couldn't control my tears, even when I did not know why I was crying. It felt like I was suffocating and couldn't breathe. I cried myself into a frenzy of hiccups.

Angel got up, left the room for a moment, and came back and closed the door. She had a cup of water in her hand and pushed it my way.

"Here, drink this."

I wanted to push it away, tell her to leave, and go back to St. Louis. Have the happy life she earned with my father and new sibling. They didn't need me in their life anymore. Maybe that's why she gave me the money, to get rid of me. Knowing Angel, if I told her to leave that would only make her stay. She would call my father and he would rush here as well.

I took the water and took a sip.

"Drink more. And breath."

I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. She was here trying to take care of me. She never once treated me like I was nothing, even when she first met me and I gave her hell.

I drank more water, let myself breathe normally, then wiped my face with the back of my hands. I was a mess.

"Angel...I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She sat back on the bed with me and rubbed my back. "Just know that I am here for you whenever you need to talk about whatever is going on."

"I can't."

"Is someone harming you? Is school stressing you out? Are your classes too hard?"

"No!"

How could I tell her that my mother made my life a living hell, ever since she came into it? She would take it out on me that my father moved on with someone else. Any time I was about to spend the weekend with my father, she cursed him out and called him all kinds of names. She cursed me out because I wanted to go see my father every weekend, not every other weekend.

She hated that I liked Angel and said good things about her. She hated when my father sued for more custody and won. She wanted more money from him when he moved in with Angel's place, saying now he had fewer bills because he was shacking up with "rich bitch Angel."

I couldn't tell her that my father still paid his share of the bills. He gave all he could in money to me and my sister. Besides giving my mother and Symone's mother a monthly payment, he still bought me the things I needed for school and all the extras. He did not spoil me at all, in fact, he taught me to work for my own, which was why I started working for Angel.

It never was enough with my mother. It was not even physical abuse, she never hit me. But the emotional abuse was enough. I never told anyone. I kept it inside. I was embarrassed to have my friends over because my mother was always so negative.

I wished Angel was my real mother.

"Angel, can I come home next weekend and stay with you guys?"

"Of course sweetheart, it's your home too."

I smiled feeling a bit better. Angel came all the way here to see me. Well, really to bring my friends, but I was glad she was here. I had to pull myself together and go see my friends and force myself to be in good spirits for them.

They must think I was a weirdo.

"I feel better now. I just...going through some things I would rather not talk about."

"Is it this boy you're seeing?"

I groaned at her and slapped my face. "Diallo is a great guy. It has nothing to do with him."

"I can't wait to meet him, then. You deserve a great guy."

I wiped my face with one of my facial wipes, ran my fingers through my hair, pulled it up in a ponytail, and changed out of the clothes I wore for two days straight. I smelled myself. I stank a lil bit, but it would have to do.

When I opened the door to leave my room, I was shocked with Twyla, Allura, Juju, Chantal, Gay, Donell, Rich, and even Diallo were there.

I smiled at all my friends. "I didn't know we were having a party."

Diallo stood up and came over to me, taking my hands. "You okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine," I lied to him.

He hugged me and whispered in my ear. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

I was falling in love with this boy.

A/N: Oh this isn't over for Rayvn. She put on a happy face to get by but this is tearing her up, what her mother is doing to her.


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