**Part one of a double update**

If it was possible to completely skip a day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

It's funny, because I can go to bed on December 26th and not feel a thing. Logically, I know it's the last day I saw my parents alive. I always thought it would be a more difficult day. Technically, I never went to bed that night. So even though it was the next day when they died, it felt like it was the 26th.

However, the second I wake up, I know what today is. It's December 27th. It's the only date I'll never read wrong because I have it engraved into my mind. It's been four years since my parents died.

Four years. It's crazy how that can feel like a lifetime and a blink of an eye at the same time. It feels like an eternity has passed since I last hugged my parents. It also feels like they were here just yesterday.

Time is the cruelest punishment of all.

Time refused to slow down when Uncle John was rushing us to the hospital. Time refused to speed up as we went through the funeral.

I still remember standing there and having person after person shake our hand. It was torture to hear them say how sorry they were for our loss.

Our loss, like it was some fucking baseball game and we'd get another shot to play next weekend. It wasn't a fucking game. It was our parents and it wasn't a loss. It was our entire life ripped away from us.

Some people meant it, others didn't. To this day I don't know who it was harder to say thank you to.

We all handled it differently. Saffron cried nonstop for our parents; she was only a toddler. Too young to lose the people who created her. The twins were 11. They chose each other.  They spoke only to each other. They refused to be more than a few feet apart. I guess that's the benefit of having a twin. Someone to go through hell with. They were too young to properly process everything. Scarlett took the bravest path. She chose silence. For so long she refused to function. Then, when we needed it most, she decided to move forward. Not for herself, but for us. She chose to provide and care for us when no one else would or could. She was too young to enter the adult world.

And then there's me. I chose anger. I wasn't even in high school and I had lost my parents. I was so mad at the universe. That anger bled into everything, including how I felt about Scarlett. I was too young to resent the world, but I did it anyway. It's not fair my family has suffered nonstop.

We didn't deserve this and yet, it's the cards we were dealt. I think that's my biggest issue. We have no say in life. Our parents died. We didn't get a say. Our uncle became an alcoholic. We didn't get a say. Our aunt got custody of us. We didn't get a say. We got to live on our own, but they gave us a list of impossible rules to live by and threatened to take away everything. We didn't get a say. We almost got thrown into the foster care system. We didn't get a say. Ella broke up with me. I didn't get a say.

I'm 18 years old and I'm tired of not getting a say in what happens in my life, damn it. That's why I've decided today will not bother me. I'm over crying. I'm over mourning. Mourning sucks. It drains your soul and after everything I've been through, I don't know how much more my soul can handle.

It's been four years since my parents died and I'm not going to let that crush me like it should.

Keeping my eyes closed, I think of all the positives. We have a home. We have each other. We have two guardian angels who watch over us. Today will be a good day.

Deciding I'm ready to face the world, I open my eyes. Chloe is sitting beside me, a tentative look on her face as she watches me. "Good morning."

"Morning." She fidgets, clearly uncomfortable. "How are you?"

"I'm just peachy." I wink. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine." She scrunches her brows together.

"Can I have a hug?" I roll over.

Silently, she obliges and the small part of me that won't stop hurting feels better. Kissing her, my hand moves to cup the back of her head. She pulls back. "Sage."

"Sorry." I laugh. "Morning breath."

"No, more like you're in mourning." She sighs.

"I'm not–"

"I can see it in your eyes." She says. "Sage, I know you're hurting. You asked me to be here. Please let me help you."

The hole in my heart begs me to listen to her. All it would take is one word for me to curl into a ball and cry. Chloe would let me. She wouldn't sigh dramatically or play on her phone. She'd give me her full attention. I just don't want to need it.

"I'm doing better than I thought." I lie, rolling out of bed. I check the time and do a double take. It's only 7 a.m. "Have you heard anyone?"

"I think everyone's awake but Saffron." She says. "Do you want a moment?"

My stomach growls. "Let's eat."

Stretching, my back pops. I throw a sweatshirt on and avoid the pictures on my wall. Chloe watches me and after either buying my bullshit or choosing to ignore it, she joins me.

The second we're in the hallway, my eyes land on the door at the end of the hall. Their room. Part of me wants to tell Chloe to go ahead so I can have a few minutes in there alone. A few minutes to cry it out and get it out of my system without my family watching.

Instead we head downstairs. Entering the kitchen, the sound of forks hitting plates is all I can hear.

"Morning!" I smile, taking in my family. They all look how I'm trying to not feel.

Making coffee for me and Chloe, I take in the scratches decorating Ashton's neck and face. I don't know how my sister could've even possibly been in the mood last night but more power to her. "Rough night?"

"Sage." Chloe warns, clearly worried and I squeeze her hand under the table. I'm fine.

Today might suck but take out pancakes from my favorite cafe is the best way to drown my sorrows.

"Well." Avery clears her throat and Conner joins her. "We're gonna head out."

I know I should thank her for the food. It means a lot that she cares. Breakfast is a simple favor, but it provides support the way Avery knows best. By spending money. Instead, thinking about where she's going has me thinking about my aunt. The thought of that bitch has my blood boiling.  "Tell Karen I still fucking hate her."

Nodding, our cousins leave, and I feel the tension in the room. Everyone is worried and honestly, they can fuck off. I don't need their eyes on me. I'm fine. They're the ones who've been crying.

"Morning." Saffron greats as she and Ronnie join us. Good, someone else is on team no cry.

"Morning, gir–" Scarlett's voice dies out and I see the panic on her face.

Curious and in need of a distraction, I turn to find my sister holding a pillow. A pillow that should never leave its place. Ever. My food suddenly feels like acid.

"Why do you have mom's pillow?" I demand. Please tell me I'm wrong.

"Because we slept in there." Saffron blinks, holding it closer to her chest. "I love mommy's pillow."

There's a faint ringing in my ears and I want to scream. That is not her pillow. She shouldn't touch that.

"What do you mean, you slept in there?" I ask tightly. Scarlett gently takes the pillow from her, but all I can focus on is Ronnie. "Both of you?"

She nods, holding onto Scarlett like a lifeline.

Something snaps inside of me. "Why the hell would you go in their room? We don't go in there and we definitely don't let other people in that room, Saffron."

That is our special place. That is ours. No one else's. Ronnie didn't know our parents. She doesn't deserve to sleep in their bed. She doesn't deserve to sit in their space. It's ours.

"I-I didn't know." She whispers.

"We don't touch their things just for shits and giggles!" I shout, taking the pillow from Scarlett. "Because if we do that, they lose their smell. This pillow is no longer mom's." I smell it, hoping for the scent of roses but I get nothing. It smells like nothing. "Now it just smells like another useless pillow."

It's fucking useless now. Mom loved that pillow and it's been reduced to just another pillow.

Saffron's face scrunches up, a tear falling down her cheek. "I can fix it."

"No, you can't!" I chuck it against the wall. "You've done enough."

Just because she doesn't remember mom and dad doesn't mean she gets to ruin their things. I remember them and I deserve to have their things left alone.

"Sage." Scar warns, protecting Saffron. "Enough."

Protecting her from me.

"Of course, you don't care." Saint Scarlett swooping in and picking up the pieces when no one asked her to. "Just another memory you can replace."

"Sage, take a breather." Ashton gets up and comforts my sisters.

Why can't they understand why I'm so upset? That's not ours to touch. It was her's. A lump forms in my throat and breathing becomes difficult. This is it. "I'm going to my room."

I run from the kitchen, not caring that I just threw a major temper tantrum.

The downside to being so tall is that it's easy to feel like the room is closing in on you. I throw my door open and stare at my bed.

It's okay. I'm okay. Sage, I need to calm down. I close my eyes, trying block out the memories in my room but it's no use. In a panic, I throw my baseball glove across the room. It crashes into my drums and I want to scream. I know dad would be disappointed, but I collapse.

Why does no one understand how simple it is? We have to leave their things alone.

"Sage." Chloe appears in front of me and I can barely see her through my tears.

Focusing on her face.  I try to smile. Desperate to cling to my facade and a sob escapes. And another.

Pursing her lips, she sits and holds her arms out. "Come here, Gigantor."

Wordlessly, I throw my arms around her waist and hide my face in her stomach. Everything I've been ignoring since this morning empties out. Buckets of tears soak her shirt and I hold her tighter than I should, but she doesn't complain. Fingers rub my head, trailing soothing lines up and down my spine.

Eventually, I match my breathing to her movements and the tears slow. My head is throbbing. My throat hurts. My eyes sting. But I feel better.

"I'm sorry." I croak, realizing how selfish I've been. "Your legs must be numb by this point."

"Stay." She says softly. "Do you feel better?"

"I do." I admit truthfully.

She nods. "Do you want to talk about why you acted like that?"

No, simply because I don't know where to start. Rolling over, the back of my head rests on her legs as I look up at her. Grabbing her hand, I press a kiss to it. "No one's ever hugged me like that while I cried."

Scarlett has always comforted me, but this is different. Chloe doesn't have to be here. She isn't obligated to wipe my tears away, but she is anyways.

"They should have." She says. I know that now. Licking my lips, I try to find the words to express how grateful I am. "I know, Gigantor."

Of course, she does.

"Ella let me cry, but she never hugged me while I did it." Like everything else, she gave me space. "I grieved alone. I cried alone. Once I was done, she'd offer support in her own way. I guess that's why this so surprising."

It's a different experience to have someone who genuinely cares about you.

"You deserve to be comforted while you cry." She says. "That makes you human."

Human. I haven't been feeling like that today.

"Why did you try to suppress today?" She questions, brushing my hair back.

"The night Ella broke up with me, she made comments about me not moving on." I admit. "When they died, I was so angry. Life kept taking from us and we were so powerless. That's how I felt the day she broke up with me. That's how I always feel on this day. I-I wanted to be okay. I figured if I took action into my own hands and decided today would be fine, it would be."

Her eyes say everything she doesn't have to. I fucked up.

"I feel so stupid for letting it bother me. I just want to be okay again." I whisper. "It sucks to feel broken."

"You are not broken." She states. "You are strong. You're hurting on the inside, but that's okay. You lost your parents without saying goodbye, Sage. That's not something you can get over in a year or even four. You are perfect just the way you are."

Tears rolls down my face again and I groan. "I feel like such a bitch."

"You're not a bitch." Her lips twitch with a smile. "Someone has to be the emotional one in the relationship."

And we both know it isn't her.

"Do you want to tell me about them?" She asks.

"Yes, but there's something I have to do first." I sigh, my eyes landing on a picture of my parents.

Getting up, I pick her up and carry her to my bed. "Stay here."

I pick up my glove, avoiding my drums, and put it on my dresser before heading to the hall. I don't have to ask where my siblings are. I already know.

The walk to my parents' bedroom is daunting, but I manage to make it. My fingers wrap around the doorknob and I just stand there. It's so much easier to go in when we're together. That's the best part about having my siblings. We're never alone.

But I treated them like trash and look at me. I'm all alone and it sucks.

Slowly opening the door, I don't know what hurts worse. The sound of my parents' voices coming from the tv or the sight of my family cuddled up in their bed without me.

"Can you pause it?" I ask and they do, watching me suspiciously.

Nothing hurts worse than the sight of Saffron crawling into Scarlett's lap for protection. Protection from me.

"I didn't mean to snap." I explain. "I overreacted over a pillow and I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Scarlett says, and I know she understands why I was upset. A part of me feels justified knowing I'm not alone.

I squat by the bed and it hurts to look my baby sister in the eyes. "Squirt, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I said some mean things to you and I'm very sorry."

"I forgive you." She says softly even though I don't deserve it.

"I just miss mommy and daddy real bad." I try to say. "So I'm a little protective of their things."

"I miss them too." She hugs me.

"Can I join you?" I ask, afraid they'll say no.

Thankfully, they open their arms and I spend the day watching old videos of my parents while appreciating my family. This room is a little less scary when we're together.

*****

CONTINUE READING FOR PART TWO OF THE UPDATE!!