57~ Gentle

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Ashton isn't at school today. He also hasn't answered his phone.

At first, I think he's just sleeping in but then third period rolls around and he's still a no show. I try not to panic, maybe he's just sick. Everyone gets a stomach bug. I go through fourth period constantly checking the door, ready for him to walk in at any moment, a smirk on his face.

He doesn't and by the time I get to the cafe I'm trying to talk myself out of leaving school to go check on him. I can't do that because until May 3rd I'm still on lock down, no matter what Ricardo has planned.

So instead I tap my fingers anxiously against the table, letting my fear control my thoughts. Gabe sits down, offering me a chicken nugget. I accept it, momentarily wondering how he gets off campus food. Before I can ask, I catch sight of my bracelet.

"Have you heard from Ashton?" I ask him, slightly embarrassed.

Gabe gives me a sympathetic look, "Sorry, Letty, He was a no show for breakfast this morning. I figured he was sick."

My stomach falls, somethings wrong. Ashton never misses Thursday breakfast.

"Hey, don't worry about it, I'm sure he's just resting. After all, you've been keeping him pretty busy these past few weeks." He laughs, clearly amused by my blush.

Rolling my eyes I slap his shoulder, slightly uncomfortable. We haven't done that again. I don't have any regrets and I certainly don't have a reason not to. it's just we don't have the opportunity.

I decided early on that my house is not an option, my siblings could walk into my room at any second and I'm always needed. They come first, no matter what. Besides, I don't think I could handle Saffron accidentally walking in after one of her nightmares. We'd both be scarred for life.

"How kind, at least I know I can always count on you to keep it real." I offer dryly.

He frowns, taking back the second chicken nugget he offered me. "I'm kidding, don't worry."

I steal it back as I get a text. Forgetting the nugget I reach for my phone, almost dropping it in the process.

Gabe laughs, "God, the amount of times I've seen Ashton do the same thing is unsettling."

I flip him off, a small part of me humored by that piece of information. One day I think I'll have to ask Gabe about all the other things Ashton used to say and do because of me.

It's not Ashton, but Liz that texts asking me to bring Ronnie home.

I relax a little, obviously nothing is wrong if Liz seems okay. He's just sick. Only three more classes than I can go visit him, maybe I'll bring him some medicine and lots of snuggles.

Turning my attention back to Gabe, I find him winking at a girl from across the room, his entire demeanor has shifted from friend to player.

"A sophomore, really?" I ask incredulously.

He shrugs, leaning back in his chair, an easy grin on his face. "What can I say, Letty, a player never sleeps."

What a pig. I get up and make my way through the tables before stopping in front of the girls table. She's cute, red hair and green eyes that balance out her pale skin.

"Can I help you?" She asks.

I smile, taking the empty chair next to her. "Actually, you can. Do you see that pig sitting at that table over there?"

She looks over to where I'm pointing, a blush spreading across her face as she waves back to my friend. "Gabe, of course."

Oh, honey no. "Good. So by this point you already know he's trying to hook up with you?"

Her blush deepens but she nods, at least she isn't completely helpless.

"I need you to do me a favor, don't give into him so easily." I tell her, sending him a wave from over my shoulder.

"What do you mean?"

Scooting closer to her, I sigh, "I'm not going to tell you who you should and shouldn't sleep with but he's made me mad and I need to get back at him. If you want to hook up, go for it, just make the boy work a little."

I know Gabe, once he picks a target he won't stop til he's won or she's made her disinterest clear. Most girls are more than eager to get with him.

The girl sits there for a moment, a smile working it's way onto her face. "I think I can manage that."

I offer her a nod before walking back over to our table, completely amused by the look on Gabe's face. "What the hell did you do?"

I send him a sweet smile, "Nothing, I just wanted to get to know your newest friend. She seems lovely."

His face morphs from shock to anger. "What did I ever do to you?"

Patting the side of his face, I steal his food, "You gossiped about me for two years without my permission. Did you really think I would let you get away with that?"

He crosses his arms, looking like a two year old. "RJ did it too."

I chuckle, "He's already been dealt with."

Riley was more than eager to learn about RJ's bed wetting phase, I think it's safe to say the two of us are becoming great friends.

Gabe takes a sip of his drink, cautiously moving his chair away. "It's good to have you back, Letty."

Offering him back the box of nuggets I smile, "It's good to be back, Gabriel."

*****

The girls run up the porch before I can even get out of the car. They spend all day together and it's still not enough, I wonder what they're going to do in the summer.

Unable to find Liz or Mark anywhere, I send a text letting them know Ronnie was home safely before walking up to Ashton's room. I give a brief knock before entering, stopping short as I take it all in.

It's a mess.

Things are thrown everywhere, the bed shoved from the corner of the room to the middle. A picture frame of Ashton and Ronnie on the floor, the glass completely shattered. My heart beats in my ears as I try to maneuver through the room.

Where is Ashton?

I find him on the other side of the bed, holding his face in his hands as he shakes. Slowly, I walk over to him, taking in the hole in the wall and the bruise on his knuckles. He doesn't look up as I slide down next to him.

"Are you okay?" I ask, keeping my voice low and steady.

There's a long stretch of silence as I rub his arm, trying my best to help him. Eventually he shakes his head.

Okay. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Immediately he nods. Progress.

"What do you need me to do?"

Ashton shifts, engulfing me in a hug as he pulls me into his lap. I let him hold me, humming a lullaby in his ear as his tears fall onto my face. He's still not talking.

Once he appears to have calmed down I try again. "Ash, you need to tell me what happened."

I can't help him until I know what's wrong and I'm terrified. Does he need a doctor?

"My father called me." He says, his voice hoarse from undoubtedly screaming.

My hands stop moving, his father is in jail. His father should have no reason to talk to him after the damage he's done. "When?"

Ashton sighs, finally letting me see his face. My heart breaks at the sight of his eyes, bloodshot and glassy. "I was running a fever so mom had me stay home. I was going to text you but whatever medicine she gave me knocked me out. My phone woke me up around one and without thinking I answered, expecting it to be you."

He pauses for a deep breath and I reach up, brushing away a tear from his cheek. Out of all the times I called him, his father was the one he answered.

"I was so shocked to hear his voice, at first I thought I was dreaming. He's been sending me letters, they started about three months ago. All made out to our old address and forwarded here. I haven't opened one, hoping that by ignoring them they would disappear. Hoping he would disappear." He admits, focusing on the mess he created.

I never knew, he held onto that for months and I never noticed. He shouldn't hold onto that for himself, it must've been so painful.

Ash takes a deep breath. "But he was real. He just started talking and I couldn't move. This man was chatting about life like we were best friends, like the last two years never happened. It wasn't until he congratulated me on my fight that I snapped out of it. I had put a guy in the hospital and he was praising me."

Disgust rolls around in the pit of my stomach.

"I told him I never wanted to talk to him again and he laughed. He congratulated me on Alabama and I didn't take the bait. He wanted me to ask how he knew, it's all a game with him. I was about to hang up when he mentioned you. Instantly, I told him to shut up and that was all he needed to keep talking."

His grip on me tightens as he squeezes his eyes shut. "Somehow he saw the tweet. He went on about how pretty you are, the perfect catch. But then he said I'd fuck it up somehow, claiming we're too much alike for a relationship to last."

Ashton's chest begins to heave up and down as he tries to calm himself down. I just sit there, the best thing I can do is to let him hold me. Words won't be any good until he's ready to listen.

"That snapped me. I told him to never call me again before throwing my phone against the wall. I lost it. The room got so small and my anger got too big. I tried to calm myself down, rearrange things to make it feel more open but I couldn't get enough air."

A panic attack. He had a panic attack and there was no one here to help him.

My poor Ashton.

"It wasn't until I punched the wall that I stopped, finally realizing that's exactly what he would've done." He lowers his face in shame, accepting the fact that he's like his father.

I grab his face and force him to look at me. "Ashton McClain, you are a lot of things but you are nothing like that pathetic excuse of a human being." He tries to protest but I cut him off, completely determined to get my point across. "You are kind. And smart. And loving. You have a heart bigger than anyone else I've ever met and you are so gentle."

Ashton tries to pull his face away but I tighten my grip, please just listen to me. Don't choose now to be stubborn.

"So what, you punched a wall. I punch things when I'm upset all the time. What makes you different is that you know it was wrong. The fact that you care and continuously try to be better makes a world of difference. You are more of a man than he'll ever be, do I make myself clear?"

Slowly, he nods his head, a pained expression on his face. If I had it my way I'd drive down to Georgia today and beat the ever loving shit out of his father for even thinking about him.

Remembering the other half of his fathers conversation, I kiss his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere. Not today. Not tomorrow. And certainly not next year. I plan on sticking around for a while so you better be prepared for that."

I poke his chest with my other hand, gaining a small sense of relief when he smiles.

"I love you." I tell him softly. "I love you more than you could ever imagine so please don't worry about anything else."

Ashton kisses me, no longer worked up. "I love you too."

I smile reassuringly at him, desperate to make him feel better. "Good, now go get in the shower."

Nothing makes me feel better to calm my nerves and he could use it. He gets up, silently heading to the bathroom. To pass time I clean up his room, managing to shove his bed back against the wall and remake the sheets. I pick up the objects that got thrown around, setting everything back in place from memory.

Alright, I might have rearranged a few things in the process but he doesn't have to know that.

I'm distracted by his walls, surprised by how beautifully decorated they are. Pictures from the last six months are spread throughout the room, so many of me. It's crazy to think about the fact that I'm what he chooses to look at but I'd rather it be me than someone else. My artwork is spread throughout as well, from random sketches I've done while bored in class to pieces done specifically for him.

I've never been able to love my work the way I used to but looking at them here on his wall makes me happy. They're serving a purpose.

Remembering the broken picture frame, I bend down to pick it up, trying to avoid all the glass. The sound of the bathroom door swinging open startles me, I jump, my hand wringing in pain.

"You didn't have to clean up. It was my mess, I could've handled it." Ashton protests, tossing his towel into his basket.

I wave him off, "It's the least I could do."

His day has been stressful enough already.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong with your hand?" He asks.

"Nothing." I try to hide my hand but he grabs it, evaluating the shards of glass stuck in my hand. Blood drips into the floor.

Ashton grabs his towel, wrapping my hand to keep the blood from getting everywhere. He walks me over to his bed. "Don't move."

He runs from the room, shaking his head. "So stubborn."

I'm not stubborn. I could've handled the situation by myself, it's just a little blood.

Ashton returns, a first aid kit in hand. I don't say anything as he gets to work, focusing on his face to forget about the pain.

"This is kinda like deja vu." He offers, glancing up at me.

The twins birthday party. I remember freaking out at the glass in his hand. That feels like a lifetime ago.

"Do you know what I was thinking in that moment?" He asks, pulling out a smaller shard of glass.

I shake my head, trying my hardest not to scream, this hurts so much.

"I was thinking about how much I liked you and was completely lost on how to act with you. I had never liked someone the way I liked you, by that point I knew my feelings were real."

He stops to pull out another piece.

"I was so confused. I had tried to flirt with you every way possible and you didn't take that bait. I didn't give up though, you were the most amazing person in the world to me even if you weren't interested."

Despite the pain a smile works its way onto my face at his words.

"That party, though, it gave me hope. I remember leaning down to you, watching the emotions flash across your face. I almost pulled back, afraid to cross a line but then you leaned in. Granted, Sage interrupted us but I came to a conclusion that night."

He shuffles around in the bag, pulling out a bandage. I don't say anything, my mind completely fixated on his story.

"I decided you were worth the wait." He brushes his nose against mine. "God, I'm so happy that I did."

My heart begins to beat a million miles an hour as he wraps my hand, his face no longer fixated on me.

"That night was important for me too." I offer, my voice barely a whisper.

His hands still, waiting for me to continue.

"I've known since the night we studied at my house that you liked me, but I never fully knew how much. I was confused, I didn't want to like you but I found myself falling for you more and more. It scared me, there was still so much you didn't know and I was trying to figure everything out."

Ashton sets my hand down, glancing up at me with a smile on his face, he deserves to hear this. After all, I put him through five months of ever changing emotions.

"But that night, after our almost kiss, I realized I liked you too. Even if I wasn't ready to consciously act or acknowledge it yet."

Time was the one thing I needed with him and he gave me plenty of it. He kisses me, mindful of my hand as he pulls me closer.

I pull apart, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."

Ashton likes to keep the past behind him, we've had a few talks about what happened but that's it. Sometimes, I worry that I don't know exactly how deeply he's hurting. And I've spent the last few months so caught up in my own mess of a personal life that I wouldn't have been available if he even wanted to tell me.

"Don't blame yourself, it was my choice to keep it in. I didn't want to worry you with anything else." He assures me.

"Don't ever do that again, I don't care if I'm three seconds away from losing it. If you have something to tell me, if anything is bothering you, talk to me. We had a deal, if you go through hell then I go through hell. What's the point of being your girlfriend if we don't stick by that?" I argue, jabbing my finger into his chest.

Ashton looks like he's about to cry again, bringing me in for another hug. "Thank you."

"Of course." I whisper, wanting to do nothing more than make everything better again.

Hands caress my face as his thumb brushes across my lower lip. I'm stunned as his gray eyes devour me. "I love you so much." 

Our lips meet for a soft kiss, taking away the pain of my hand. "I love you." I speak onto his lips as we break apart.

"My beautiful, beautiful light." He whispers, barely audible.

Goosebumps rise across my skin, "Why do you call me that?" His eyes widen, almost like he wasn't planning on saying that out loud. "You don't have to explain."

"No, I want to." He assures me, taking my hand. "I was at my rock bottom when we moved here. I was surrounded by the darkness of my own mind, desperate for an escape."

My heart cracks as he explains himself. 

"The parents of the kid I hurt didn't push charges because they insisted I was simply a lost soul who needed to find the light. I thought they were crazy but then I met you." He says, taking me by surprise. "You annoyed me at first but even from the first moment, without my knowing, you were changing me."

That first day he was going to leave school until I yelled at him. 

"You make me believe there's more to life than being an ass. You've taught me so much and I plan on following you for as long as you'll let me." He brushes away a tear from my cheek that I didn't even notice. "I'm sorry if that was a bit too forward."

Throwing my arms around him, I sob. "You're my everything."

There's no other way to word it. Ashton McClain holds my heart in his hands and I wouldn't want it anywhere else. 

"Thank you." He whispers into my hair before pulling away.

We dry our eyes, laughing as we take in what a mess the other person is. 

 "By the way, there are tons of reasons why you should be my girlfriend." He teases, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh, yeah, and what are they Mister McClain?" I tease, willing to play along.

"It's better if I show you." He smirks, leaning down to kiss me.

A knock at the door sends us jumping apart, even if we are dating the image of us kissing in a bedroom won't look good.

Liz sticks her head in the room, the warm smile falling off her face as she takes in the hole in the wall. "What happened?"

Boy is she going to love the story we have for her.

*****

I stay with the girls as Ashton and his parents talk, keeping them distracted from the situation. Thirty minutes go by. Than an hour. Two and a half hours later I make the girls dinner. Deciding it's better to get over the fact I was using someone else's kitchen than listen to their whining.

They sure do know how to get what they want.

I'm halfway through cleaning up the kitchen when Ashton wraps his arms around me. "What in the world are you doing?"

Turning around, I offer him an embarrassed smile, "Dishes."

Liz and Mark walk into the kitchen seconds later, surprised to find me holding a scrub brush.

"The girls were getting hungry so I made dinner." I tell them, pointing to the oven where their plates are.

They just stare at me, somewhat surprised.

"I'm sorry to have used your kitchen but Ronnie was about to go get you and I didn't want to interrupt. I'm almost done cleaning

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