38~ Out

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"I'm thinking about asking someone to the formal." Sterling offers at dinner one night.

A smile breaks out on my face as Sage and I share a look. The formal is a dance they do for 7th and 8th graders, their own little prom. It's the most adorable and awkward night any middle schooler could experience.

"Who?" I ask, setting my fork down. Holding back the sea of questions I want to ask. That would only cause Sterling to go quiet, he's the type of of kid you have to ease information out of.

"Katy Wilson, we have French together." He informs us with a shy smile before going back to eating his peas.

And that's all the information he's going to give us. I remember the name, one of the girls who was at their birthday party. I expect Silver to be happy for his brother but, instead, he's glares at his plate, attacking his potatoes.

Oh, no, please not another fight. Last night they exploded on each other for no reason. Unconfirmed secrets driving them apart.

"Silv, are you asking anyone?" My voice is tentative, I don't know if he'll get mad if I ask or if I don't. There's rarely a win in this situation.

"Nope." He says bluntly, shoving food into his mouth. It's definitely the first option.

I go back to my food but Sage, who has no social cues whatsoever pipes up, "Are you sure li'l bro? I could help you ask a girl out."

Sterling winces and tries to stop Sage but it's too late. Silver throws his fork onto his plate, "Why does everyone assume I like girls?"

Immediately, he freezes, a look of shock on his face as he process his words before he darts upstairs.

Did he just... did he say what I think he said?

I look to Sterling for confirmation but he's already running after him.

"Oh my God! I fucked up." Sage panics, pacing the length of the kitchen, pulling his hair.

I can't move I'm so surprised. How could I not notice? Silver's always the one to mention girls. Always. He was the little ladies man and he loved the title.

But then I think of all the fights the twins have had recently. The mentioning of secrets. Not to mention the birthday party where he literally got into a fight when he didn't kiss someone.

He didn't love the title, he hid behind it.

I take the stairs two at a time, the sound of Sterling pounding on the door getting louder with every step. Silver crying on the other side. I place a hand on Sterlings shoulder and he moves back. I try the handle and it's locked.

I knock once and he doesn't answer. I try again, "Silver, please unlock your door. You don't have to come out just unlock it."

I won't make him come out, knowing that when he's ready he'll let us know. I just don't like the idea of being unable to get in in case something happens. I hear the click of the lock and relax a little. It's not much but it's progress.

I slide onto the floor, joining Sterling who has taken position there. A guard dog, watching over his best friend. Sage and Saffron come up a few seconds later and we wait..

None of us move or make a sound as we wait. Sporadic sobs, footsteps, and slamming spill out from his room. All I want to do is hug my baby brother but he needs space. Sage holds his head in his hands, jamming the heels of his hands into his eyes. I know he's beating himself up for speaking without thinking, I feel the same way.

How could we be so stupid?

The door opens, we all jump up from the ground. The sight of my baby brother breaking my heart. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, strands of brown hair turned in every direction from pulling at it. My stomach rolls when I catch sight of his nails. He's chewed them to the nub, his anxiety getting the best of him.

It took seven months to ease him out of the habit, even going as far as to put acrylic on his nails.

I pull him into a hug and the crying starts all over again. I flatten his hair out, humming a our mother's lullaby in his ear as his tears fall on me. It's so strange to comfort a child who's taller than you.

Sometimes you forget how much they need you.

"I'm sorry." He gets out between sobs and whatever's left of my heart shatters.

I pull away and grip both sides of his face, he tries to break eye contact but I hold firm. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You're Silver, this changes nothing." I wipe his tears away and he nods, the tightness on his face slowly lessening.

The others join our group hug, there's a lot of crying. Eventually we end up on the floor again.

"I love you guys." Silver says after a brief silence, rubbing snot off his face.

"We love you too." Saffron says, giving her brother one of her special kisses. He actually chuckles a little.

I smile at the sight but a bad feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. Did we make him feel like he couldn't tell us? How do I live with that if I did?

"I'm sorry." Sage offers, embracing him tightly. Silvers eyes bulge out of his head as air circulation is cut off.

After slapping Sage's back, he looks up at him. "Honesty, I should thank you. I've been terrified to tell you guys." He admits timidly.

"How do you want to tell people?" Sage asks, clapping him on the back. I know no matter how many times Silver tells him it's okay he will beat himself up.

"Do you want to tell people?" I follow up, he doesn't have to come fully out unless he wants too.

I can tell he's thinking about the question as he drums his fingers against the wall. "Sam already knows." I hate to admit it but that stings a little within my chest. "There's something I need to do before we do anything else." He declares, standing up.

Lead the way.

*****

It's dark by the time we get to the graveyard, flashlights illuminating a path we know by heart.

I'm amazed as I watch Silver. His head is held a little higher, looking more like Sage than ever before. When he stops in front of their tombstones he looks around, picking at the skin on his thumb. Initially I expect him start crying again but he seems at peace, like for the first time in forever he feels free.

"Mom, Dad." He says, acknowledging each headstone. "I'm gay."

The boys all hoot and holler, scaring a few squirrels.

"I'm gay! And I hope you're okay with that."  He declares confidently and with that he turns back around to us with the biggest smile on his face I've ever seen, joining the boys as they cry out with joy.

I stand off to the side while my siblings run around, looking and sounding like a pack of wild animals. Silver appearing happier by the second.

I'm officially the world's worst sister for not noticing how unhappy he was before. It's my job to ensure he feels happy and safe and he was alone in so much pain for God knows how long.

"Hey, Scar?" Silver says, breaking away from the chaos.

I put worry aside, placing a big smile on my face. "What's up?"

He almost knocks me off balance tackling me into a hug. "I didn't want to burden you."

"What?" I ask incredulously. Somehow, Silver got the empathetic gene and there's really no hiding from it.

"You handle so much for us and you always have stuff to worry about. I didn't want to add myself to your list."

Wow, I really am the worst.

I squeeze him back, "You're not a burden and you never will be. I have loved you since you were in moms belly and I will love you for eternity. Your happiness will always be my top priority."

"I know that now." He admits sheepishly, pulling back from our hug. "I do have one request though."

"Anything."

"Can you tell our people. I really don't want anyone else to know for now." He sounds nervous again, his eyes darting around.

"Absolutely!" I think of something that worries me, "Why do you want me to do it?"

He chews in his thumb, the skin bleeding. "In case they react badly."

I nod my head, no one will have a negative thing to say about him but Silver doesn't know that. He has no idea how much we truly love him.

On the car ride home I think of a plan, I just need to text Sam.

*****

I wake up early Sunday morning with a plan already in motion. In about four hours the twins and Sam are going to head out to get food and see a movie. By the time that movie is done everything must be in place.

Taking the list of people Silver gave me I head out, starting with Uncle John first. He looks ashamed when I explain why Silver wouldn't tell him so I give him a list of things to do to keep busy. I drop Saffron off at Ashton's, surprised to see that Silver put his family on the list. I know we've been spending more and more time with them but it caught me off guard. When I asked, he just shrugged and said they aren't going anywhere so they might as well know. After talking to them I take Ashton with me. Following this pattern at everyone's house, I talk to them then steal my friends along the way.

We all split up to finalize different tasks. Ella and Stella go to her house, picking Saffron and Ronnie up along the way to help. James and Sage are in charge of getting food, something I'm sure to regret later. Leaving Ashton and I to go get decorations.

Roaming through Walmart for the third time, looking for a specific rainbow fabric, is not the best use of my time today. I put my feet on the bottom rail of the cart, leaning against Ashton who pushes me down the aisle. Saffron does this to me all the time, now I understand why.

"Maybe they don't have it." Ashton offers, voicing the one thought I don't want to hear right now. His voice vibrates through my chest.

"They'll have it. Maybe we just need to check a different section." The only option I'm accepting is yes. Today has to be perfect.

He turns around quickly causing me to feel dizzy. Spots of color dance in my vision, making me hesitate when I see the roll of fabric I've been searching for for the past 20 minutes.

I jump down, doing a little dance as I throw it in the cart. Now all we need is skittles, Saffron's called me five times to remind me.

Something about tasting the rainbow.

I get back into the position I was in, a little less stressed than before. A list of all the things that need to be done before the boys get out of the movie runs through my head.

Decorations need to be put up. We have to get the cake that wasn't ready in time for Sage to get. Then I needed to make sure everything looks exactly how Silver would want it. Maybe having Sterling go with him was a bad idea, no one knows him better than his twin.

Ashton brushes my hair out of his face. "Don't worry, Sweetheart, everything is going to be just fine."

I relax a little, closing my eyes as I enjoy the feeling of Ashton's warmth. A cart hits our own, jolting me forward and out of my bliss.

What the?

"Scarlett." A voice scolds me like the collision was my fault.

I open my eyes to find Aunt Karen glaring at me, her usual sweater set on with a pair of white pants. Why does life have to be such a bitch?

"Aunt Karen, what are you doing here?" I offer stiffly, her eyes switch from me to Ashton and our close proximity to each other. A scowl on her face, an impressive accomplishment with all the Botox she's had done. Anything to keep her from looking like mom, identical twins with nothing in common. By this point she barely looks like Avery, who looks just like she did in high school.

"Avery got the job and I figured it was a good idea to see what a Walmart was like on the inside." She sniffs, clearly unimpressed.

I roll my eyes, slowly stepping down. Of course she's never been to a Walmart, she usually has someone go out and buy her groceries for her. And, even then, they normally go somewhere else.

Ashton's arm instantly snakes around my waist, a stability that I didn't know I needed. She studies him for a moment, undoubtedly recognizing him.

"And who's this?"

"Ashton McClain." He says, making no move to shake her hand. This is the first time I've ever witnessed him not be polite to an adult.

"Your boyfriend." She states coldly. I freeze, mentally slapping myself for never informing Ashton of the little lie my brother told our family.

This isn't going to end well.

"Of course." Ashton assures her, not missing a beat, his hand rubs my side. I lean into him, thankful he played along.

She clicks her tongue, clearly displeased with his attitude. She scans me from head to toe, making me feel squeamish. "You certainly look interesting today."

I fight the urge to look at my outfit. Boyfriend jeans covered in faded paint, a tear on the thigh from overuse, and a white sweater. My hair wild with a headband holding it back. I can tell it reminds her of mom, she used to live in outfits like this in high school. Never caring if she ruined the clothes her parents bought her.

I bite my cheek to hold back my retort. "I think she looks lovely." Ashton chimes in, a challenge in his voice.

I jab his side, this is not the person to piss off.

She glares at him, before turning her attention to the contents of our cart with a curl of her lip. "What event are you buying so much rainbow for?"

My fist balls up as I glare at her, she's the type of person Silver is afraid to deal with. I try to think of an excuse but anything I say she'll know is a lie.

"My little sisters birthday party." Ashton begins, already grabbing the cart.

Karen smiles coldly, "How sweet, Scarlett has a birthday coming up. Thank goodness for the big 18." The words Avery told me last week echo through my mind, a sickening thought appears but I shake it off.

Today is about Silver.

"We really should be leaving." Ashton states coldly. "Pleasure meeting you." Then he grabs my hand and drags me away, leaving my aunt in the middle of the aisle.

I don't say anything as we check out, unsure of whether to explain myself or thank him for covering my ass. It's not until we're in his truck that I clear my throat.

"I'm sorry about her. I was sorta hoping that if you were unlucky enough to met my family it wouldn't be like that." People need to be prepared before they enter a war zone.

He just nods his head, a frown in place.

"And about the whole boyfriend thing. Sage kinda got mad at Thanksgiving dinner because they were being a bunch of assholes. He told them I had a boyfriend so they would get off my case. It just happened to be your name he gave. Which, again, I'm sorry f-."

I'm pulled across the bench, engulfed in a hug. "I hate her."

I throw my arms around his neck, grateful for him being so understanding. "Me too."

With my entire being, I hate that woman.

*****

After what feels like an entire day of running around like a headless chicken the boys arrive at Ella's house. We all hide in the kitchen as the front door opens, hidden by the darkness.

"Are you sure Ella said we could use the four wheelers?" Sterling asks, surprisingly able to fake his worry wonderfully. Maybe I should be concerned about his lying skills.

We stay silent, a struggle for the little girls since all they want to do is laugh because hiding is just so much fun. We hear them walk down the hall, taking their time to lead him towards us. If they go any slower I'm going to run down there and drag him into the room.

"I'm sure, we just need to get the keys." Sam assures him, finally reaching over to turn on the light.

"SURPRISE!" we all jump out. Sage and Ashton blow on kazoos to add extra noise. Don't ask, it was a five minute debate at the store. I caved to the puppy dog eyes.

"W...what's this?" Silver stutters in disbelief, taking in the rainbow streamers, the mass piles of skittles, and all the people.

"A party." Sterling says, giving his brother a hug.

"For me?" He seems so sure it's wrong, like we're all suddenly going to change our minds and shun him to the mountains.

"Of course." Sam adds proudly, throwing an arm around Silvers neck.

Silver starts to cry as one by one people go up and hug him. He loses it when he sees Uncle John's rainbow tie and suspenders. I capture everything on a video, this is something we should remember forever.

We spend hours eating rainbow colored food and talking, a smile doesn't leave Silver's face the entire time.

As everyone begins to leave he stands up on a chair, "I appreciate you all but I would like for this to remain something private for now. I don't want to fully come out yet." He picks at his thumb, clearly uncomfortable with his admission.

A sadness fills me at the fact my little brother can't be himself. No matter how accepting we are someone down the line will always be there to say something negative to him.

We can't stop it all but I'll be damned if we don't try and I think I know exactly where to start.

*****

Happy New Years Eve everyone. I'm going to keep a tally of every comment saying "I called it" 😂. But seriously I hope you liked this chapter. It was way obvious and for that I'm sorry but no changing it now
Xo-Mo

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