Chapter Twenty-Four: Part II

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Father Antoine returned and, in his strange manner of speaking, told the group that Mi Na had gone. Taller than the sunflowers, Hannil was able to see along the field and got up first. Soon, he gestured for the other three to get up. Hannil held back the sunflowers that were still surprisingly strong and smellier than Noah had ever imagined. Noah was surprised to see that Mi Na was nowhere in sight, nowhere in earshot--truly gone. 

Father Antoine gave them new clothes, theirs' dirtied and sticky from the sunflowers and dirt. They took turns in the church's small bathroom to clean themselves up and change their clothes. Celeste and Noah were given some of Father Antoine's clothes to change into that were unsurprisingly all-black. Ines changed into a dress that was teal and white, clearly left behind as some kind of donation. Hannil was given a set of clothes Father Antoine seemed reluctant to hand over; the shirt was a white button-up and the wool trousers were a dark grey, Noah noticed that they were "rich" as his mother would have said. Still, Hannil compromised for the heavy wool by rolling his sleeves to his elbows and leaving the buttons around his neck and the start of his chest undone. Later, he even rolled the end of his trousers around his ankles, his feet bare. 

They were given a salad and baguette for dinner at a small table off of the main area of the church; Father Antoine left them in favor of his own rooms. Noah supposed he was grateful that the Priest was neither imposing nor reluctant in helping them. It allowed for Noah and Hannil to fill in some gaps with Ines and Celeste, both of whom were curious about Mi Na yet little was said about the incident.

Despite that he hadn't slept the night before, Noah wasn't tired enough to go to bed when the girls did. They were given their own rooms through doors off of the small dining area; each was small and the room for Hannil and Noah was hardly big enough for the two of them. Noah missed the luxury suite he had woken in. It was a fleeting longing; Mi Na was too involved in his mind. 

She nagged him; the idea of her nagged him. She had been friends with Hannil, or she had claimed, and it only seemed truer by the way she shouted at him. She had been bargaining with him, not attacking him--with Hannil, she had been ready to deck him. Noah wondered how he got away from her, Hannil was certainly larger and stronger than Mi Na, but he had no marks on him, Mi Na had left angry but unscathed. The more he thought about the impossibility of a fight, the more the idea of it nagged him. 

"She sounded really mad," Noah broke the quiet. His thoughts ran ramped in the quiet; he couldn't keep them contained. He hated the quiet, he hated the thoughts more. 

Much as Noah was, Hannil was unmoved since they had sat down at the small table for dinner; he blew cigarette smoke out of the open windows that were hardly that. They were only slits a few inches wide, no glass in them, it opened the room to the bugs but let a surprising amount of fresh air inside. 

"She was," Hannil replied, his voice was clear but soft as if he didn't want to speak. 

Noah tapped the table anxiously. He did not enjoy how his mind played Mi Na's voice over and over, he had previously thought that he was merely caught on her scream rather than Mi Na herself. It was her, he realized, she was an enigma in the entire event. What kind of influence did she have over Leuthold? Even if she was Berg's step-daughter, it hardly made her so dangerous. Why was she alone? Why did she feel the need to declare that she wasn't against Noah? Why did she take Hannil's presence so personally? 

"Why was she so angry?" Noah asked. 

Hannil blew his smoke through his nose; when Noah got up the courage to look at his eyes, he looked conflicted. Noah didn't know about what and he disliked the thoughts that traveled into his mind about him. He disliked how Mi Na's eyes sat with him, the way they had looked at Hannil. 

"I have lied to you," Hannil answered bluntly as he tapped the ash from the end of his cigarette.

Noah went to respond but only closed his mouth.

"Not entirely," Hannil took a drag from his cigarette, "Lied by omission."

Conflicted himself, Noah didn't respond. He felt he shouldn't, a feeling that answers laid out if he just kept quiet. 

"The day we left," Hannil explained after he took another drag from his cigarette, "Berg, Mi Na, and Spears approached me--actually, they had before. They asked many things of me, one of them was to help them keep you at Leuthold." He watched the table for a moment, a fly came and went from the window.

"She thinks I am wrong because she thinks she is right," Hannil said before he put the cigarette back to his lips, his eyes not leaving the table. "So she is angry with me that I said I would help her and proceeded to help you escape."

Noah stared at him for a long moment. "You helped them?" He asked. Somehow, Noah didn't have the energy to panic or to even cry.

"No," Hannil leaned onto the table, "They wanted me to help them. I didn't actually help them."

"With what?"

"Keeping you at Leuthold."

"Why?!"

Hannil sighed, "I don't know why they wanted to keep you. I only know that they did!"

Noah was surprised at how little Hannil could meet his eyes. He looked nervous, not a breath left him that wasn't coated with smoke. Noah could not leave the table, he couldn't move from his seat. Unable to panic or cry, he stared beyond Hannil and wished that he was more surprised. 

"I don't know what they did those six months you were gone," Hannil continued without prompt, "I have not withheld that."

He swallowed thickly, "Why—Why didn't you tell me?"

"Would you not have feared me?" Hannil chuckled weakly, "I didn't think you would believe me when I claim to not be working with or for them. I thought that I had to show you that I was helping you first."

Noah licked his lips before he watched Hannil take in another deep drag.

Hannil sighed, "I am sorry for not telling you this earlier--I see now that I should have."

"Why did they want me?" Noah asked as he pressed his hand to his chest, "I get you—you're strong and handsome and smart, but I'm not any of those things!"

"That is not true."

"It is!"

"No, it's not."

Noah hit the table harder than he intended, his glass tipped over and Noah set it back down as if it had any water left to spill. He couldn't move to clean up the water, he only put his elbow on the end of the table and held his jaw.

"Noah," Hannil adjusted in his seat, "I have wronged you and--" 

"Stop being so god damn formal," Noah said through his teeth.

Hannil bit his lip before he took another drag, "I don't think I know how else to apologize."

"I don't want it to be that formal bullshit."

"Just because it is formal doesn't mean it's a lie, Noah."

"I can't believe it if you make it so damn weird!" Noah moved back from the table into his chair. He rubbed his forehead nervously, "Why did you help them?"

"I didn't!"

"Then why do you feel so damn guilty?!" Noah's question surprised him as much as it surprised Hannil; Noah hadn't realized that he had already stumbled onto Hannil's emotion, what was behind his formality. 

Hannil hesitated for a long moment, his eyes fell from Noah's and he got the same strange look on his face that he had the night before. Noah balled his fists his expression, a look of conflicting thoughts, of events that happened behind Hannil's eyes.

"What is that look for?" Noah asked.

Hannil scratched his forehead with his thumbnail, "You are being honest without alcohol now."

"I don't think I need to drink to feel this disconnected."

Hannil met his eyes again, a look beyond them Noah still didn't recognize. 

"I am guilty of many things, but I did not trap you at Leuthold," Hannil firmly answered.

"Then why the face?" Noah asked.

Hannil didn't answer. He licked his lips and looked out of the small window and took another drag. It was guilt, Noah recognized it then and it only made him angrier. 

There was a long minute of silence as they sat across from each other at the small table. It could neither be small nor large enough for what Noah needed nor wanted. He felt he could neither leave nor stay. His mind and body trapped in which he wanted more. 

"I got you out of Leuthold," Hannil said as his eyes drifted to the narrow windows, "I got you across the border—"

"I don't think that you're Berg's spy."

"Why not? Is that not why you interrogate me now?" Hannil asked when he looked back at him. 

"What good am I to anyone?" Noah asked with a drop of his shoulders. "Even if Berg got me, all he would get is some...guinea pig! I'm not even worth the trouble of chasing me across borders and through fields. That doesn't make sense."

"Noah, you are worth a lot of trouble."

"I'm not!" Noah hesitated when he met Hannil's eyes again and saw the same face as before.

"That!" Noah pointed at him, "You keep asking me to trust you but maybe the reason I can't is because of that look!"

Hannil looked startled, frightened, he gripped his cigarette tighter before he took in a deep breath and blew it out of the window. It wasn't the same look of guilt; guilt all the same, but a different kind. 

"It is not what you think," Hannil told him. "Do not assume that it is malicious." 

"Then tell me what it is so I'll stop making assumptions!" 

Hannil grunted and looked at nearly anything but Noah. He pressed his hand to his forehead and slumped in his chair a bit.

"It doesn't mean anything, just leave it alone," Hannil told him. 

"It means something."

"It doesn't matter."

"I'm not going to trust you if you don't tell me what it means and I'm not going further with any of you!" Noah said before he wavered in his assertion, "I mean, I'm not worth the trouble so I guess it's probably good that you would leave me. I don't have a way to the United States or my parents' but maybe I'll be fine."

"Oh, there's no mercy," Hannil said and it brought Noah's attention to him. He rubbed his eyes with both of his hands, his cigarette sat in the ashtray. He removed his hands and cracked his knuckles, his eyes meandered to the bedroom they were to share. He was still so handsome, Noah thought nearly bitterly. 

"How has it been only three or four days since we left Leuthold?" He asked, "I feel as though it must have been weeks."

Noah swallowed thickly, his attention turned toward the window. He didn't know how to answer but he felt as though it had been a long, long time since he had seen the gates of Leuthold--since they had left Switzerland.

His attention snapped back to Hannil when he got up from his seat and quietly scooted the chair back in before he picked up his cold tea and drank from between his forefinger and thumb.

"The face," Hannil said, "Rather, the expression." He paused to clear his throat and set his teacup down, "Is because I am utterly and helplessly falling in love with you—goodnight."

Noah felt as though he had heard absolutely nothing yet absolutely everything. Hannil moved around the table and walked by their room in direction of the church.

Noah had frozen in place, he watched Hannil's cigarette burn out, his seat was empty and touched Noah's knees. For a minute, Noah processed what Hannil said before he sprung up from his chair and ran to the door to the open church.

"What did you just say to me?!" Noah whispered into the dark building.

"I am certain you heard me," Hannil replied.

"I'm not!" Noah tried to keep his voice to a whisper, but it came off loudly with his fretting. 

"Then you did!" Hannil replied with just as much anxiety.

"Say it again!"

"Absolutely not!"

Noah leaned against the doorway, he couldn't see far into the dark church, the alter was too bright and clouded his vision. He heard Hannil walking around but he couldn't make him out in the shadows.

"Why—why are you in there?" Noah finally asked.

"There is absolutely no fucking way in hell I am sleeping next to the person I just confessed to!" Hannil replied.

Noah stared into the darkness for a moment before his anxiety got the best of him and he retreated into the living space.

"You confessed to me?" Noah whispered back toward the door.

"I am certain you heard me," he repeated.

"Well, that's really embarrassing," Noah said before he caught himself and clapped his hand over his mouth.

"Sorry!" Noah said into the church before he fled into the bedroom they were set to share and put his back to the door after he closed it.

Noah stared at the darkened space lit by another medieval-like window and felt his ears turn redder than he thought possible. It spread to his face and neck and felt, he was on fire. He felt as though he ought to focus on Mi Na and the fact that she knew where they were, but his mind replayed Hannil's words over and over.

________________

Father Antoine had made breakfast by the time Noah had woken up. Noah had fallen asleep on the cot that was given to him but did not remember doing so. The sun had snuck up on him, he had not dreamt but he was thankful for it. Without dreams, he couldn't have nightmares, he told himself. 

He lingered in the bathroom in his borrowed black clothes wondering what he was going to do. Noah couldn't remember being confessed to in all his life and he had never been so anxious about seeing another person. He was lightheaded and strangely affected when he wiped his face clean and looked out of the slightly larger window from the bathroom. The sunflowers were aglow with the new morning sun, rising in their stalks and height. Noah saw the lazy dog wander by followed by a small, skinnier red dog that paused to look at the house before it disappeared into the stalks.

"Your dogs are very pretty," Noah managed to say in French when he passed Father Antoine, he responded but Noah couldn't understand him yet again.

"Isn't his accent strange?" Noah asked the girls who were at the table when he came for breakfast.

"He's Basque," Celeste answered through a bite of her bread.

"Oh," Noah noted but decide to not push his luck. He didn't know what that meant and decided by the simplicity of her answer that it would be stupid of him to ask. It was only another thing for him to tuck away for later research. 

When Hannil woke up and came out of the church to join them for breakfast, Noah became a panicked mess. He wanted to bolt back into his bedroom, pretend to be asleep, and not ever see him again. Noah was quickly reminded of Hannil's acting skills by how he walked up to the table and took his seat next to Noah and began to eat breakfast with them as if nothing had happened. 

It was so nonchalant that Noah wondered if he had dreamt the whole thing until Hannil stopped him from getting into the car on their departure. 

"I don't," he said before his eyes turned away and Noah could see in the light that it was to hide his creeping blush, "I don't want this to be weird."

"Oh," he replied anxiously, unable to look at Hannil any longer.

"I get it, you don't like me—"

"What?" Noah interjected.

"It's fine, let's just...keep going," Hannil told him.

"Well, I just," Noah fell quiet when Celeste tapped the window from the inside before she unrolled it.

"Is this not your timeline we should stick to?" She asked; Ines tried to stop her but she spoke anyway.

Hannil cleared his throat, "Yes." He said before he moved around the back of the car and got into the seat Noah had been occupying for the past two trips.

"Do you think we can make it there today?" Celeste asked after Hannil had buckled his seatbelt.

Hannil hesitated before shaking his head, "No." He answered, "These mountains are too complex, it'll take until tomorrow. But we'll be near it."

Noah looked out of the window as he saw the same red dog in the field of lavender, it watched the car before it went on its way down the way.

"I love his dogs, they're so cute," Noah said.

"Dog?" Celeste asked before she immediately turned around and stuck her head out of the window. "Where is the dog?"

"I think the sunflowers are blocking your view," Noah chuckled weakly.

"So sad," Celeste said before she quietly sat back and rolled up the window.

Noah chuckled lightly and reached for the cupholder he had stuffed his fist into out of anxiety most of the trip and found that he was completely on the wrong side of the car, there was no cup holder on that side. Hannil had his attention turned to the window and Noah didn't feel comfortable asking to switch seats, especially not after Ines started to leave the church's property.

When they got back on the roads and Hannil talked over the music to give directions, Noah watched him out of the corner of his eye. He almost didn't want to believe Hannil's confession, yet Hannil looked so vulnerable beyond his front. He had looked and sounded open the night before, the darkness hid his expression but his voice was panicked. Noah still felt there was a part of him he didn't know, but that he got to see a little more.

Even if Mi Na had appeared out of nowhere, Noah felt more comfortable than he had before. He leaned back into his seat with ease and took in a deep breath that was full of contentment and cigarette smoke.

Father Antoine had given them a packed lunch that had occupied the space between Noah and Hannil's feet until it reached late into the afternoon and they were still in the forest. They decided to stop the car and eat on the forest ground after Hannil didn't know of any buildings they could easily occupy.

It was quiet as they ate, Hannil tried to talk to Noah but all Noah could think about when he spoke was how his voice sounded and how his eyes looked the night before. It wasn't bad, Noah decided, only a new anxiety he didn't know.

After they ate part of their lunch and decided to save what was left for the next day, Noah found Hannil standing on a slope that showed into the crowded and lush summer forest, yet his attention was fixated on the map. He had been standing there a while, saying that Berg "messed up" his plan and he had to reconsider all of his options.

"We're gonna leave soon," Noah told him.

Hannil looked back at him for only a moment, "I'll be there in a minute."

Noah began to walk back to the car but hesitated, swayed, and moved back toward him.

"I don't want it to be awkward either," Noah told him.

Hannil put down the map a bit and turned to him fully.

"We're not fighting, are we?" Noah anxiously asked before he tightened his jaw, "I don't want to be fighting with you."

"We're not fighting," Hannil said before he looked away, "I don't think so...Or I didn't—are we fighting?"

"I don't know!" Noah wrung his fingers, "Are we?!"

Hannil chuckled and folded the map, he shook his head. "If neither of us knows whether or not we're fighting, we aren't fighting."

"But it's not...the same," Noah said.

"Just because it isn't the same doesn't mean that something

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