L x Psychologist!Reader

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A/N: holllllyyy moly this is a long one, and it's a bit sad, to be honest. Part two is on the way, but this update is more of an in depth analysis into Ls character. I'm super proud of it so far so I would really appreciate if you gave it a read!

Also watch the little video it's cute and I think it fits even though this chapter is kinda depressing lmao

"Good morning Doctor (l/n)."

You hear as you walk into your office, and you take your coat off before hanging it up on one of the racks, checking the time.

"Morning. Any appointments sceduled for this morning?"

You ask, and the secretary types on the computer for a moment before printing off a page.

"Yep. One at 11 am. New patient."

She says, handing you a small file before you walk towards your office, opening the door before placing your briefcase down. Opening up the folder, you take a look at who would be coming in. No name on the patients document. Strange, must have been a typo or something. Slipping the paper into a clip board and attaching it to the door, you check the time before taking out your notebook and pen, flipping to a new page before writing the date on the top. They should be here in around twenty minuets.

I'm early. Dang, if I had known that the appointment wasnt for a little while I would have grabbed a coffee or something.

You think, opening the blinds in your office window before settling into your chair. It was rainy out today, which made a rather nice ambient noise in your office. Leaning back, you wait for your appointment to come in. Awhile of waiting passed while you looked at current patient documants and session progress, and soon you hear footsteps down the hallway, stopping before your door.

"Just in here."

She says, opening the door while you smile and stand up, seeing the secretary with a raven haired individual standing behind her, his hands in his pockets.

"Hello there. I'm doctor (l/n). Please, come in, have a seat and make yourself comfortable."

You smile, allowing him to walk in and sit down on the couch, bringing his knees up to his chest. Odd, but there was no real point in saying anything.

"Now then, what brings you in today?"

You ask, sitting down across from him and smoothly crossing your legs.

"I dont know. I was made to."

He says bluntly, with a look of 'I just want to get this over with' on his face. Already you could tell he didnt want to be here, and you set aside your notepad before looking up, a gentle smile on your lips.

"Well, you were probably referred here for a reason. Why might they have done that for you?"

You ask, and he sighs while he shrugs.

"Apparently it would be good for me. Work is...Taking a toll on me lately, but I don't see reason for a psychologist appointment."

He says, his voice monotone as can be.

"I see...Well, what do you do for work?"

You ask with a smile, trying to make him more comfortable with speaking.

"Law enforcement. Detective work, mainly."

He says, and you nod.

"Well, in that field it must be easy to get a little stressed, especially when it comes to Kira out there. Are you working with the main investigation team directly? I've heard that even L is on the case."

You smile, and he shifts a little.

"Is confidentiality ensured?"

He suddenly asks, and you were taken aback for a moment before tilting your head.

"Of course. Always. Unless I suspect you are going to harm yourself or others."

You answer, not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"I should probably tell you that I am L, then....It's why no name was listed for the appointment."

He says, and you were completely shocked for a moment. L, the L, was in your office, getting your help. It almost star struck you, in a way.

But at the same time, he didnt look like you expected at all. First of all, he was young. Way younger than you would have thought. When you imagined a detective of his caliber and status as a mystery to the world, you always imagined an older, mysterious person straight from something like an old time detective film, or L.A. noire. But no... Here he was, a young guy probably in his twenties, wearing casual clothing and looked as if he rolled out of bed ten minuets ago.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm just surprised. It's a pleasure to meet you."

You say, and he shrugs.

"Thanks. It's nice to meet you too."

He answers, and you nod before realizing you should probably get back on track with the session.

"Anyway. Well, I can see why you might have been referred here. But tell me, besides the pressure of the case, has there been anything else bothering you at all? Maybe other reasons why someone would get you to go here?"

You ask, and he shifts a little before biting his thumbnail, clearly only half paying attention.

"Depressive episodes, I suppose. Theres been points where I ask myself if it's worth continuing the case if we never get anywhere."

"Yes, I can understand that."

You say, jotting down a small note on that.

"So what seem to be the things you...Tend to do when you experience these episodes? Where does your mind go?"

You ask, and he hums in thought for a moment before he shrugs.

"I just lose motivation for things. Especially when it comes to Kira..."

He answers, glancing up with two deep grey eyes.

"But it's not a huge deal, I see it as part of the work, to be honest."

He says, and you jot another thing on your notepad.

Apathetic. Seems to not have much care for how he feels mentally - even when he feels motivation is lost. Could link to feeling emotionless even while in great danger; ie- Kira.

"How would you describe the feeling of lost motivation?"

You ask, and he sighs. Obviously he wasnt one for questions.

"I don't know. I try not to let my personal feelings get in the way of what move I'm going to make next. I have a lot on my shoulders, and I cant let that interfere. So I don't."

"So you're telling me that you ignore your own feelings for the sake of moving forward in an investigation?"

You ask, and he nods as he continues to bite his thumbnail, causing you to focus in for a moment. Maybe that was some sort of nervous tick, or something he did when he was thinking hard. Either way, it was worth noting. Body language had a lot to do with what may be going on internally. Speaking of which...He did have a lot of strange physical characteristics. Dark circles under his eyes, namely.

"Tell me...How well have you been sleeping lately?"

You ask suddenly, and he tilts his head before answering.

"Why?"

"Well, excuse me for saying this, but you look rather tired."

You say, trying hard to come across as more caring and not harsh.

"Two or three hours maybe every other night. It's hard to say..."

He answers, leaving you shocked. No wonder those dark circles were so opaque. He was getting less than twelve hours of sleep a week. And that was being generous.

"Any...Reason for the lack of rest?"

You manage to question, and he folds his arms over his knees before letting his chin rest on them.

"I dont want to let Kira have a chance to make a move I wont know about. That, and I've always struggled to get a full nights sleep in since before I can remember."

He says, and you write something else down quickly.

Always wants to be ahead. Willing to sacrifice physical health for this, however insomnia is something he struggles with regardless.

"So...From what you said about Kira making a move, would you say you dislike losing? I'm just going off of what I'm observing."

"I hate losing."

He says quickly, and you felt surprised he was so ready to admit that.

"We all do, to some degree."

You smile, and he looks to the side while he scratches his knee. The session then continued for another forty minuets or so, and you managed to get to know him fairly well, or at least his head. First of all, he was socially reclusive. Made sense, considering who he was, not to mention how he looked. Another thing you were able to pick up is that he was meticulous, and not easily trusting. You could tell that many things he was telling you were just the tip of the iceberg, but you wrote it down nonetheless. For a first session, it went fine. At least he talked, right? Most likely, you would do a little research on his past cases and try to link up what you found.

"Anyway...Were almost out of time. It was a pleasure meeting you, and I hope you consider coming here again. I'd like to go deeper into understanding someone as interesting as you...So please, think about it."

You say as you wrap up your session with him, passing him one of your buisness cards before shutting your notebook and standing, shaking his hand.

"Do you have any openings tomorrow?"

He asks suddenly, and you tilt your head.

"Well, I'm sort of booked at the moment, but im sure we can squeeze you in somewhere. How does the day after sound? I have an opening at four pm."

You say, and he takes a moment to think before answering.

"...I'll think about it."

He says, shoving the card in his pocket while he hops off the chair, and you open the door to your office before he leaves.

And wow, did he ever give you a hell of a lot to unpack.

That night when you got home, you immediately open his case file and sit down at your laptop with a bag of snacks on hand. After meeting him personally, you might be able to link some things up when looking at cases hes solved, and how exactly he goes about doing that.

"Alright L....What can you tell me..."

You mumble to yourself, opening up a new webpage before pulling up a database of all the cases hes previously solved. After deep diving into an internet rabbit hole that was researching this guys patterns, you came to a few conclusions while you scribble down notes.

He has a sense of justice above all else...Even morality in some cases, especially true in the Kira investigation....this links to the apathetic feeling he gave off during session one.

You think, tapping your pen against your lips.

But clearly he is right most of the time when it comes to suspects. He doesn't give up until that person is caught and rightful law is served. But his perception of true justice...Is it flawed, in some way? Some of the ways he gets a criminal to confess are...Questionable, to say the least. But hes right over ninety percent of the time. And not to mention, solves his cases with hard evidence only.

You continue, scrolling through articles of solved cases by L. Most of them were homicide, but human trafficking rings and other distasteful cases sprung up here and there as well. So it seemed he only spent his time on cases where people, whether it be the families of the victims or the victims themselves, would have justice served for them. But the point was...It seemed like when he solved a case, there was transparency. There was no set good guy or bad guy, and this is especially true when talking about Kira. It was a level playing ground. He didnt care about how people perceived him. All he wanted to do was solve the case at hand.

That, and he only chooses cases that hes personally interested in...So by the public eye hes sometimes seen as quite egotistical. But the point of the matter is every one he works on gets solved. Is his unwillingness to give up based on personal satisfaction...? Or is it something else? Is it a true inability to leave a case cold? He hates to lose. Maybe that's why his appearance is the way it is. He would rather spend time cracking a case than waste it making sure he looked good, or even sleeping.

You continue to think, before it hits you. He hates to lose. It was obvious. Scribbling down all your continuing thoughts, you were able to link up everything....So far. It was enough to start, but you still felt it was only scratching the surface. Already you could tell he was an incredibly complicated person to fully grasp, and you could only hope that he booked another session with you. Or, the person that made him go in the first place booked another.

Hopefully, you would be able to share your findings with him at some point, and possibly make a breakthrough. One thing you knew for sure however, is you found him incredibly compelling.

And hey, he did actually take that four pm appointment. It was booked online at almost three am, but nonetheless, you were glad to have him coming back.

~♡~Time skip ~♡~

You waited patiently in your office, watching the clock as you went over all your notes and case file for L. You had what you were going to say planned fairly well, and you tap away on your computer while opening a fresh page in your notebook, scrawling 'session 2' on top of the page.

Eventually, you see the door open again, and L walk in while your secretary makes her way back to the front of the office.

"I'm glad to see you back. Welcome."

You say, and he sits down, perching in the same position as before. Barely able to contain what you had planned, you sit across from him, smiling.

"Now I wasnt sure if you would be coming back here...But I had a little time to go over my notes from our last session, and I feel I should share some of the things I found. We can talk about them, and you can tell me whether or not they feel accurate for you. This is where the real fun begins."

You say lightheartedly, and he nods.

"Alright."

He answers, and you flip to your page before sighing.

"Okay... So, first and foremost, from the last time we spoke, I feel there is no denying that you are unquestionably intelligent. You make a compelling patient, and your mind seems to be extraordinary."

You smile, and he does so as well as he scratches the back of his head.

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me when it's true."

You say, and look back down before continuing.

"But from what you said and what I was able to observe, I'm starting to think that there is a link between that intelligence and the depressive episodes you experience."

"...How so?"

He asks skeptically, and you lean back slightly as you look to those two grey eyes.

"I feel...You use that intelligence to justify those feelings, to some degree. You work yourself to the bone because you cant accept failure. You told me this on our last session, if you remember. That you hate to lose?"

You say, and he nods silently.

"So, that being said, you beleive that you can always think your way out of an issue, be it personal or not. The satisfaction of winning sometimes causes you drown yourself by your own expectations, as well as the notion of being a little faulty when it comes to accepting defeat. These cases....You only take them up if they pique your personal insterest, correct?"

You say, crossing your legs while he looks over. He nods again, and you look back to your notepad while you sigh.

"Well, I dont know much about you, per se, But I think I know how your mind seems to work. When you accept a case to work on, you...Almost alternate between seeing your mind as a completely unstoppable force, but also an inescapable trap. The only concept it seems that you fail to grasp is that it is your own mind within your own control. To an extent, you choose your own path for things. And that includes coming here and choosing to talk, all the way to choosing to take up a case."

You say, and he remains silent, absorbing all your observations.

"You arent saying much. Is there anything you would like to add?"

You ask, and he shifts.

"N-no, I just...I feel kind of...Exposed? You could say.."

"You dont like the feeling of having your head poked around at, do you? Normally that would be your job, but the tables have turned."

You laugh, and he draws his hand to the back of his head while his eyes move away.

"Well, it's a necessary evil in some cases....But you know L...I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you would be bored senseless by regular sessions."

You say, letting out a light laugh as you sit back slightly.

"Maybe."

He responds, and you smile. Breaktheough number one. He realized how he thinks about things, and is able to see it objectively. Plus, he got over the curve of opening up.

"If you ask me you would be bored with continuing. But, it would be in the same way you're bored when you brush your teeth, or shower, or eat something. Because, the thing about maintaining, cleaning, and caring is, its work. And the bottom line is, you have to create a balance between work, and life. Taking time for mental health, meaning taking a step back and looking at what's going on around you, is just as important as keeping healthy physically. And it seems to me that you tend to neglect both of those aspects of health when you are solving a case."

You finish, and he sighs.

"You're right. Completely right. But I...."

He trails off, and you tilt your head.

"But...?"

You say, and he sighs as he runs his hand through his hair.

"I dont know how. This...Routine has been the same way since before I can remember. From the second I was old enough I was doing nothing but working on cases, and playing a neverending game of chess, in a sense. I just had to make sure that I moved first. Because if I didn't..."

"You'd lose."

You answer, and then sigh as you take a moment to think about what to tell him.

"But theres no shame in losing, or asking for help. I understand that you...Have always felt, especially in your field, that your mind is superior. There isn't anything that anyone could tell you that you didnt already know. But support, is not a thing to fear, or to be ashamed of needing."

You say, and he looks down at his hands before speaking.

"I know that. But I've faced extraordinary expectations my whole life. Everything in a case, whether it's a dead end or what to do next, eventually falls on me, and I'm expected to just be fine with it. I'm not a superhero, like everyone seems to believe. I'm just....human."

"Exactly."

You say, and he looks over.

"And you should use what you just said to be more forgiving with yourself."

You say, and look at your watch.

"Alright, we're just about out of time for today...Im sorry we cant stay longer, but I'm sure you understand that this appointment was slightly squeezed. But I'm going to do something for you. I'm writing a note for three days off, and after we can make another small session to see how it was. No work. Do something for yourself for once, alright?"

You

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