request from 0Absentminded0

(Smitty's POV)

Everything I've ever been told has been that it's all about meeting your soulmate. Don't get me wrong, the prospect sounds amazing but I've come to accept that there a possibility that I don't have a soulmate. I know I'm only 22 and that it's around the time I should be starting to feel the "breathlessness" of meeting my soulmate.

You see, everyone has been taught in school and by their parents that everyone has a soulmate and that how you know who they are is that when you get closer and closer to meeting them, you start to feel breathless. Scientists don't know why it happens, and they've been trying to figure it out for years, but the best explanation we have is that it's the universe telling us that this person is someone important.

Everyone knows this as fact, but I've decided that I don't give a shit about my soulmate. I don't care that I'm supposed to be with this person for the rest of my life or something.

The reason I feel this way is because of my past relationship. Yes, you can date while not knowing your soulmate, it's not endorsed, but people still do it due to abusive soulmates and other things like that. But it's not like I was aware that the guy wasn't my soulmate.

When we met it was after school and I was being cornered in an alleyway. The people in front of me, though only two people, were big and menacing. One of them held my arms down while the other would punch and kick me. I couldn't help but scream at the pain.

Then someone came to my rescue. He pulled the boy that was on me off and beat them both up before helping me to my feet. He was a sophomore at the time and me a freshman. He claimed that that day, before he met me he couldn't breathe and that I must have just not been paying attention and thought it was the person who kicked me in the stomach or anxiety. I thought that it had to be the truth and didn't question it.

Two years go by and we're still together, it was the best two years of my life. It was the summer right before he started college when "it" happened.

I had decided to visit him unannounced at his dorm, so I called his roommate to get a spare key and to make sure I knew when he'd be in the room. I was so excited. We hadn't seen each other in about a month and it was torture on my heart.

So you can understand my distress when I open the door to the apartment to hear the noises of him and someone else having sex.

I could hear them talking and it went along the lines of:

"I know you don't love him anymore, Jace, when will you dump him for me?"

"He still thinks I'm his soulmate, I haven't found the right time to tell him yet." That's Jace. That's my Jace.

I burst into the room to see my boyfriend and some other guy on the bed, both of them naked and under the covers. Tears fill my eyes as I run up to them and slap Jace before running out of the complex.

He followed me and tried to apologize, or even explain what happened, but all I could hear was his lies. He tried using my name, my real name, against me, knowing that I hated it. He was the last person that knew my real name in my chosen family. Though he wouldn't be apart of that anymore.

My senior year was hard.

After that whole experience, the idea of soulmates made me uneasy even 5 years later.

But there were a few good things that happened that year, I made a youtube channel and started to meet people and friends that I'm still friends with to this day. I started to do more of what I love and meet new people in my "field" who also loved to make videos.

I decided to take a break from school and the summer I was supposed to start college, my channel blew up, getting me over 100,000 subscribers coming to watch my videos. I have a feeling most of them came to me through the bigger YouTubers I would play with but the ones that decided to stay came in numbers. I was 18 at the time. and by the end of the year, I had over 200,000 subscribers.

The next year would be even better, with me meeting one of my best friends, John or KryozGaming, another Youtuber who had known my other friend Mini Ladd and he introduced us. We immediately got along well, our personalities complimenting each other and our sense of humor almost the same. We made constant jokes about how we're like the same person and my channel is just his side channel and vice versa for me.

3 years later and he's become one of my closest friends and we've gotten even closer. Over that time I've also made my way to over 3 million subs and I'm happier than I've ever been.

I'm glad I have people in my life that can make me smile and truly care about me, it feels nice.

Recently though, I've been noticing things about John that I hadn't in the past. Like how his laugh always seems to put a smile on my face and is so warm and genuine or how I get butterflies in my stomach whenever he does his eye roll thing he does when he's trying to remember something. It's nice to feel the release of serotonin whenever I'm with him but that also means one thing.

I have a crush on him.

I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal but to me, after what had happened, it is. I haven't told them about my past experiences with relationships let alone that I'm bi, though I know that they'd be accepting it's still scary. The most I've told them about the summer before senior year is that I had a really bad break up and nothing more.

After I have the revelation that I like John I decide that it's time he knows what happened with Jace.

I message him saying I wanted to talk to him, he says sure once he gets on which is soon after the message is sent and I ask if it could be over Skype so I can tell him to his face. Of course, he agrees and soon I get the notification of him calling me.

I pick up and soon my computer screen is showing me the face of the man I know well. His brown hair a bit of a mess and wearing his "e boy" style outfit. I have on a hoodie that's a bit oversized, something not often seen due to my usual fashion sense. He has a smile on his face that makes me also smile, but I can see on his face that he harbors some concern at my asking him to call seen as we usually just text or voice chat on discord.

"Hey man," I say to him, sweater paws covering the bottoms of my hands as I speak into them.

"You good? You seem off." He says, getting straight to the point. No beating around the bush for me, I guess.

"I should probably just get to the point as soon as I can and not prolong the inevitable," I say, moving a bit in my chair. "So first things first, I'm bi." I look to see his reaction. His eyes are opened wider than before in surprise, this is where it becomes his decision to do something. He can hang up on me and end our friendship or he can tell me I'm greedy or-

"Wait really?" He says after a good few seconds of silence.

"...Yeah. Look it's fine if you hate me now or if you don't want to be my friend anymore-" he cuts me off.

"Dude no it's fine, you know that shit doesn't matter to me right? You could be a stripper for all I care, you're always gonna be my best friend." I feel tears prick my eyes. "Are you ok?"

"I'm more than ok, I guess I just- hearing you say that makes me feel so much better about myself and I- thank you." I manage to get out as the tears start to fall, I wipe at them vigorously and compose myself. "That's not all I wanted to talk to you about."

"I'm all ears."

Then I told him. All that happened to me and why I never join in on the conversation about soulmates whenever the topic comes up in recordings or just in general. And he listens. For once there's no one interrupting us or someone stopping to make witty jokes or remarks. It's just me speaking my heart.

It felt nice to tell someone and get things off my chest. I ended up full-on sobbing with John helping me through it all.

"You know that you didn't deserve any of what happened to you, right? That guy was a jerk and he used you to when you were weakest. I know that there is someone out there that, be it your soulmate or not, will love you so much that they wouldn't ever dare think about cheating on you. Trust me." He says when I finally finish the story and stop blabbering on about how it affected me. His words bring a smile to my face and I thank him.

"Hey, this may sound completely out of nowhere, but would you want to meet up sometime? I can fly out to Washington for a week or so and you, me, Mini, and Jay can all hang out and do shit." I suggest once I'm able to get out a fully formed sentence and he seems to perk up at the offer.

"Really?" I nod. "Ok cool, when are you free?"

"Um, I think I'm free like next weekend? Yeah, I can do anytime this month and for the beginning of next month." I say, checking my calendar only to see then next few weeks very empty.

"Great, I don't have much going on after next week, so if you wanna come over around next Sunday, you can feel free to stay for however long you would like." He says making me glow.

"Yay," we sit there in comfortable silence until I check the time and notice that it's 2 am for me, making it about 11 or 12 for John. "I should probably go to sleep, and try not to ruin my schedule just yet, night John."

"Night Smit." He waves and disconnects. That nickname makes me smile. Sure, most of our friends use it but when he does it just feels right, like he was meant to say it. It makes me feel at home.

That night I dreamt of lying on a picnic blanket with someone's thigh as a headrest, they're playing with my hair. It's nice. We're watching kids play out on the field in front of us, the way they have no cares in their minds and the child-like wonder dripping off of them and filling my mind with happiness and hope for the future. The sun's warm rays are hitting my face and the rest of my body, making me feel safe and comfortable. For some reason, I can tell that this person playing with my hair is the one I'm going to be with for my life, they just make me feel so at ease and like I can tell them anything. It's the same way I feel when I'm around...

My train of thought is cut off when the person starts to pull at my hair, and not in a kinky and/or enjoyable way. It's painful and the grip is tight, not letting me go even as I struggle. I turn to face the person doing this only to see Jace, his mouth twisted into an evil looking sneer, and his eyes disapproving and menacing.

"You know that paradise doesn't exist, Jaren," There's that name that he used to use all the time. "Don't you know that? I was showing you that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows, there's always a dark side to anything you find happiness in. Why can't you see that? Why are you still so blinded by what is only temporary?

"You think that he can make you better? You're broken. No one can fix you. Not even him. You know this, Jaren." He says and tears start to stream down my face as I thrash in his grip. I know who he's referring to immediately.

I wake up in a cold sweat, tears staining my cheeks. I decide to not go back to sleep that night, staying up watching Youtube, mainly a certain gamer's poly bridge videos, all night. It was weird hearing my real name and not hearing it from a family member, not something I particularly enjoyed, but I brushed it off for now.

A week passed slowly, nightmares coming almost nightly, all of them starting with me and someone, who I can't see the face of, cuddling or just sitting together, and it feels nice, no fear of the impending doom hovering over us. The dream quickly shifts into a nightmare as the person I'm with's aura changes to something more sinister. It ends with Jace hurting me again in some way. I hope they stop before I go to see John and the others, I don't want them, want him, to see me like this. I don't want him to think I'm weak.

So now here I am, at the airport in Washington waiting at baggage claim to get my singular checked bag. Once the bag comes after a few minutes of waiting, I decide to go to Starbucks for a cup of coffee to keep me awake until John gets here.

John said he would pick me up around now so I'm just waiting for him to text me. I feel my phone buzz.

John: hey i'm close, what are you doing rn?

Me: i'm at starbucks, and if ur still driving then get off your phone you loser
Read 11:28 pm

He doesn't respond so I assume he went back to driving, I laugh and go back to drinking my coffee. That's where I sit for another minute until something happens.

I start to feel like I can't breathe. The feeling is overwhelming and, though it should be scary and painful, it feels like a deep sense of joy and hope in my chest. It felt like something was pulling me out of my seat and out of the Starbucks. So that's what I do.

I stand up abruptly, my breathing quick and shallow, I can't get enough air into my lungs as I start to make my way out of the small shop and I start to frantically look around. By this time my breath is almost completely away from me and I'm starting to get dizzy. I spin around looking for someone, something.

Then I spot him.

I see someone, I can't tell who it is as of right now, but I know that I have to get to him. My vision is starting to blur at this point and he seems to have seen me as well, him starting to run over to me. I also start to run.

Nothing and everything is on my mind, I can't see anyone except for him, and he's all I care about at the moment. I don't care for John or the stuff that I left in the Starbucks, I don't care for people looking at me weirdly or with knowing glances, I don't care that I never wanted to find my soulmate or that my mind screams to run away. All my heart wants is to get to him.

After what feels like an eternity, our bodies finally collide and he's gripping me by my waist, my arms are thrown over his shoulders, I bury my face in the crook of his neck and take a deep breath in. Finally, I can breathe again.

We stand there, panting slightly and hugging, just holding each other. Something about him feels so familiar, but I can't place it.

He pulls away from me but I just try and hold on, not wanting to stop just yet. I hear him make a sound of surprise, somewhere between a gasp and a squeak. It sounds a lot like...

I look up to him, his green-blue eyes meeting my hazel ones, I see them fill with recognition as mine, presumably, do the same. My eyes scan his face, there's a mole above his lip and his hair is parted down the middle, a bit long but not too long. I know him.

It's John.

I stare at him and he stares at me for a few more seconds before a smile breaks onto his face.

"Who would've guessed?" He whispers, my face falls and he notices almost immediately. "Are you upset?"

"Nonononononono, I can't have a soulmate, and they can't be you, I'm not- I can't-" I'm not able to get my words out of my mouth properly so I end up just looking at him with tears in my eyes and a pout on my face. "I don't want to go through that again," I say finally.

"I- Smitty, you know I won't do that to you, you're too important to me-." I cut him off.

"That's what he used to say, and what did he do? He cheated and used me. How do I know that you're different?" I can't believe I'm saying these things to my best friend, someone who I know cares about me and someone who I know will never hurt me. I know he couldn't do those things but there's still a part of me that's scared. I may like him as more than a friend but I don't want to be hurt again.

"Please Smitty, I- I love you, please let me try and fix what he broke, I want to be with you." He pleads, taking my hand in his and putting his other hand on my cheek. I look up at him and see the compassion and love in his eyes. Those words mean so much to me.

It's a combination of how his facial expression practically screams "let me love you" and his words that lead me to lean up and press our lips together in a soft kiss. He seems surprised at first until he finally presses back against me, letting the hand that was holding mine drop to my hips while I place my hands on his chest.

We pull away after a few seconds, but what seems like forever, and press our foreheads together.

"Ok," I whisper. "I trust you, and I want you to be with me," I look up into his eyes. "Let's do this together, and take it slowly."

He nods, pressing his lips back to mine for a quick second before pulling away completely.

"We should probably get your stuff from Starbucks now." He says and I laugh lightly.

"Yeah, don't want anyone to steal anything." We walk back to the store, and once I get my two bags we head out to his car. On the way to the car, I feel something brush my hand. I look down and see John's hand, he's giving me a choice to either move my hand away or take his hand in mine. I lock our pinkies and look at him with a smile on my face. He smiles back.

"So, we're soulmates, I guess?" He says after we get into the car and sit in silence for a minute.

"I don't think I'm comfortable using that term yet, you know, with all that happened," I say quietly.

"Of course, how about, boyfriend?" I feel my face flush at the term and look over to John. He's looking at me, a blush covering his cheeks and anticipation in his eyes. I smile.

"I like the sound of that," His face shows immediate relief and he lets out a breath he seemed to have been holding in.

"Thank god, I would have died on the inside if you said no." We both laugh and then he puts the key in the ignition and backs up out of the parking spot, driving us out of the airport's parking garage.

"We're going to have to tell the others at some point while you're here, Smit, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but it's time they knew," I pause, while I love hearing him use those cute nicknames, I want to see if...maybe...

"Jaren," I whisper, loud enough for him to hear when we stop at a light.

"What?" He asks, looking at me with a confused and loving look on his face.

"My name, call me Jaren, not Smitty, but only when it's just us please."

"If you want me to-"

"Yes, I'm sure." I cut him off, reassuring him that I want this. He smiles at me before turning his attention to the road.

"Anything for you, Jaren." At the sound of my name on his tongue, I nearly tear up. He sounds so genuine and it sounds right. A bright smile makes its way onto my face, shattering the fear that threatened to show.

We arrive at his house and he leads me to my bedroom, we decided that we weren't ready to share a bed and that it would be too suspicious to John's roommates when we would inevitably come out of the same room. We said our goodnights and I gave him a small peck before closing my door to unpack and go to bed.

I lay down in the soft sheets and close my eyes, being lulled into a nice deep slumber, that is, until I hear the door open and someone walks in, they sit down on the other side of the bed, getting under the covers and lying down before placing their arm around my waist.

"John? Is that you?" No response. "John, are you ok? Are you having trouble sleeping-"

"You thought that meeting him would make things better, didn't you?" A harsh voice enters my ear, the person's lips pressed against the nape of my neck. The grip on my waist turns hostile and I struggle to get out of the grip of the person. His nails dig into my hips and I cry