⚠️Warning - This chapter contains strong mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please read with caution. ⚠️

I love this chapter and it's super long ❤️ I hope you enjoy, don't forget to vote and comment ✨

~ Carson's POV ~

"Carson?"

Lifting my head away from the papers on my desk I looked over at the door where Grey had just come in. "What?"

He looked just as tired as I was which made me think he hadn't slept a wink that night either. Along with having to fulfil his responsibilities as my underboss, he was also taking care of Sara this weekend and for the next few days which meant he had her to think about too.

The only reason it was working was because he'd finally taken one of the other suites on the third floor which had a second bedroom that he had decorated for her. At least that way she had her own space and her toys and things.

"It's done, Lazio sent the money back."

As soon as he said those words relief instantly flooded through me as I leaned back in my chair letting out a sigh.

I know she didn't do it on purpose, and I know what I said to her was disgusting, but I was just so angry. I should have controlled my anger better I know that, but I had to be fair with her, even just a little bit.

I would have killed anyone who did something as stupid as that on site the moment I found out about it. Obviously I wasn't going to kill her, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to lose my mind.

It wasn't a small thing. Sure the money would have gone and half a billion dollars is nothing to just ignore, but the other consequences would have been much worse than just the loss of the money. For one I would probably have lost all respect if the Romano family told my enemies and even allies that I managed to screw up a deal so bad and gift him all that money. That kind of incompetence is what would have led me to lose a tonne of my business.

There's always a bigger picture in the mafia, everything you do has more than just one consequence. She didn't do it on purpose, but she still did it.

"Carson that's not all. I found out who was behind the attack at the warehouse."

This was the attack that killed thirty-six of my men. I had thirty-six mourning families to take care of because of one person. I had the blood of thirty-six men on my hands, my men.

The attack happened late on Saturday night while I was with Dani in bed, so I spent the entire day on Sunday consoling the families and sending them money and things. I guess that was the only way I could help. Then on Monday that whole thing with the Romano deal happened and I blew up on Dani at dinner.

It was now the early hours of Tuesday morning and still hadn't left my office after that. There was no way I was going to upset her again by going into our bedroom. I just wanted her to have a good rest and then my plan was to talk to her today and apologise.

Not that an apology would do much, but it was the least I could do after how I spoke to her.

"Who was it?" As Grey came over to my desk, he sat down across from me before he opened up the laptop he'd been carrying. "You were right to think it could have been the Hollande family, they're still kind of pissed about the torturing we did. But it wasn't them."

If it wasn't the Hollande family, there was only one other person who would be stupid enough to challenge me like this. We had a lot of enemies, and when I sat a lot I mean a lot, but I just couldn't shake this feeling that it was either one of them.

"Atticus McKnight." When I said his name Grey nodded his head, turning the laptop to face me.

"This is a video caught on our surveillance cameras of the attack. If you look closely at the artillery they use, you can tell that it's Russian - if you know what details to look for. The Irish Mob buy their weapons from the Russians, as do the Hollande family, but the Irish are more particular about their weapons than the French."

"What do you mean?"

"They buy the same kinds every time. From the video I managed to have our guy boost the quality of the picture to get the serial number on one of the rocket launchers that they used to blow up the warehouse at the end after they killed our men. All I had to do then was find out which Russian organisation these particular weapons were bought from and then pay them the right price to tell me who bought them."

This is why Grey was my underboss.

"So what do you want to do? I can have a team ready to retaliate within the hour if you give me the go ahead."

Almost instantly I shook my head at his suggestion, taking a moment to think before I answered him.

"No, don't. He did this the day after that gala, when I threatened him. He's a pussy Grey, he doesn't have the balls to do it again and they're too weak to do it. Another attack is pretty much a declaration that they're ready to go to war and we both know they're not. We've been at odds for years, he's never had the balls to do anything."

"So you want to wait him out? Wait until he attacks again and then what?" Again I shook my head, leaning back into my chair as I gave him a smirk. "No, I want to wait until he lowers his guard. I want to wait until that fool thinks he's won and then, when the time is right I'm going to blow him sky high."

My words caused him to smile although he did roll his eyes at my choice of words. "You really think he'll lower his guard?"

"Of course he will. Like I said we've been at odds for years, we've hit them and they've hit us back and it's gone on all this time. Now we wait and don't retaliate just long enough to make him think he won."

"It won't happen. Carson, he'll know we're planning something, he'll be ready." When Grey gave me a frown, clearly confused as to where I was going with my plan, I just nodded my head. "That's exactly what I'm counting on."

"I don't understand."

"He's a twisted bastard, but he's still human, he'll react like everyone else. He'll become paranoid almost instantly when we don't retaliate and that paranoia will drive him crazy. After long enough he'll begin to talk himself out of the paranoia and make himself believe he's done it, he'll make himself believe he's won. He can't stay paranoid for too long or he'll go crazy. It's then, when he believes that we've gone quiet and that we've let him win. That's when we strike."

For a while he fell silent trying to process what I was saying, that frown on his face still not leaving until he looked at me again.

"You know he'll hit us again soon, right?"

I already planned to have the rest of my businesses and warehouses on red alert to prevent it but if anyone did die, unfortunately it was just a sacrifice we had to make.

"I know, but we've been going back and forth with them for too long Grey and we've already lost a lot men to this rivalry. It needs to end at some point and he's not going to be the one to do it. He's hoping the longer it goes on the longer he has to try and build the Irish Mob back up again."

"So what's your plan? Whenever we actually get to it because from your words we're looking at waiting up to a year if you want him to go crazy."

At this I nodded my head confirming what he was saying. It wasn't ideal, I wanted him gone as fast freaking possible but there was no way I could just put a hit out on him. It had to take planning, if I wanted it to be over and done with, I had to take my time and get every single detail perfect.

"Around a year is good. It'll give us time to plan anyway because this is it - we're wiping the Irish Mob out completely. I want everything they own to all be blown up at the same time - you know that's going to require an intense amount of preparation and planning."

"What about Atticus? How are you going to kill him?" The moment he asked that question I smirked again, shaking my head.

"Don't you worry about him, I have a year to plan the most painful death for him, and his brother."

I could tell he was still a little unsure but eventually he just nodded anyway. It's not like I would have changed my mind so that was the best thing he could have done. Plus, I'm sure he was just too tired to ask any more questions, we'd both been awake all night.

"Carson?" When I heard her voice I lifted my head to see Aviana standing in the doorway of my office with Fox next to her.

I guess they're all turning up here at 5:30am now.

"What?"

"I can't find Dani." When I heard the worry in her voice I sat up properly as she came into my office still dressed in her rather revealing pyjamas. She really needed to start wearing a robe or something.

"What do you mean you can't find her? Shouldn't she be asleep upstairs?"

"She slept in my room last night so that she could avoid you and when I woke up just now she was gone." When I gave her a frown I could tell she regretted how harsh her words sounded when they came out.

And just like that the guilt inside me rose tenfold. All this time I thought I was giving her space so she could sleep in peace in our room and she was already avoiding me by staying with Aviana.

I really hurt her that much.

"Did you look for her?" When I suddenly got lost in my thoughts Grey was the one who spoke up to get some answers. "I did. I looked everywhere, even in the gym which is where I found Fox. I can't find her anywhere."

She did it again.

It took me a second to process the fact that she was gone but it didn't take me long to figure out where she went. My Trouble was so predictable, and she was also making a habit of running away. This was the second time she'd done it and we'd only been back in New York for maybe seven weeks.

"Pull up the surveillance cameras on your laptop." When I gave Grey the instructions he turned back to his laptop that he had the video of the attack on, instead finding the cameras for the house.

"Here." When he pushed the laptop towards me again, I clicked on the camera for the front gate, finding the last movement which was about two hours ago when apparently my black Audi R8 left the gates.

If it was any other day I would have smiled when I realised she'd taken my car but instead it just freaking hurt. Yes I pushed her to do it, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

Finding the tracking information for that particular car, since I'm smart enough to track all my cars I saw that she was currently leaving New York City.

"I know where she's going, let her go. She just needs time."

"Carson you can't just let her leave! You need to go after her." When Aviana glared at me I just shook my head closing all the tabs on Grey's laptop before I pushed it back towards him. "No."

"This is your fault Carson. You didn't see what you did to her, you have no clue what she was like." When she spat those words at me I just clenched my jaw returning her glare but this time keeping my mouth shut.

"Aviana don't." When Grey suddenly stood up giving her a look she shook her head. "She made a mistake Grey, but she's still one of us. She's like our baby, we can't just let her go when she's that upset - it's not right."

I wasn't surprised that Aviana was reacting like this, it wasn't hard to tell that she'd become close to Dani and so used to having her around. Dani even mentioned to me that she was now bestfriends with Aviana since apparently boyfriends can't also take the place of the bestfriend too.

That was bullshit, I'd always be her bestfriend but that's another discussion for another time.

"Aviana I'll get her back, don't worry. She just needs time, she's been through a lot and what I did yesterday was probably the last straw."

It fell silent for a while when she nodded before she sat down next to grey while Fox went to sit on the couch. I was actually grateful for that moment of silence just to process the fact she'd really gone, just like that she was gone. I may have sounded confident to them that I would get her back, but inside I was panicking like hell.

What if she didn't want to come back? What if she was actually running away and she wasn't going to Ohio? The journey to Ohio was seven hours so I guess I had to wait seven hours until I got my answer to that. But I wouldn't know if she was done with me until I finally got to speak to her and I had no clue when that would be.

Until then I just had to keep the panic I was feeling to a minimum which was much easier said than done. Especially when I thought about what I did to her yesterday and how much that girl meant to me.

She was my everything.

"Can I ask you a question?" When Aviana broke the silence around us I looked over at her waiting for her to speak. "You said she's been through a lot, and she's said some things too but she hasn't told me everything-"

"I'm not telling you anything without her permission." When I quickly cut her off she shook her head almost instantly. "I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask if she's getting better? If being with us has made her feel better after any of the things she's been through?"

"I don't know. She was just kind of thrown into this life without knowing what to expect. I screwed up when I left her at the start and since then we've had a few...rocky moments, but I thought she seemed happy. Maybe she wasn't, maybe being with us...with me didn't help her."

What if she was just hiding it? What if she wasn't happy? What if she really just left me?

And I was the idiot that just sat there and let her go.

"She seemed sad yesterday Carson. Before you came into the dining room she looked like she'd been crying." When I heard Fox speak from his place on the couch I noticed he was also frowning, not bothering to hide his worry.

Dani really had somehow found her way into their hearts just as much as mine. Avi called her our little baby and Fox called her Little One - I don't think she knew how much she meant to them.

"When are you going to see her?" When Grey spoke next to me I shook my head letting out a breath. "I don't know, soon? I just need to give her time."

"Well, whenever you do see her, make sure she knows she still has a duty to the mafia. She's still our accountant even after all this happened so don't leave there without bringing her back with you."

Again if it was a different day I would have smiled at the way Grey tried to make his words sound as harsh as possible even if he was being nice to her. He wanted her back just as much as the other two.

I just needed to give her time and then I'd do everything I could to make sure she knew how much she was wanted here, and how damn sorry I was.

~ Daniela's POV ~

Days ended up just passing by while I was alone in that house.

Alone with my past and alone with my thoughts.

As much as I was grateful to be away from New York and the mafia, I was also so haunted by where I was. It felt like I couldn't win, New York and Ohio were both places I wanted to avoid.

But it's not like I had anywhere else to go.

When I first got to the house it was the middle of the day on Tuesday and even though I was extremely exhausted from my lack of sleep, I first cleaned as many rooms in the house as I could. The layers of dust on top of everything definitely wouldn't have been healthy for me.

Once I was done cleaning I changed the bedsheets on my old duvet and pillows before I took those downstairs to the living room. Kind of like I used to do when I was little, I lay it out on the floor in front of the TV using as many pillows as I could to make it comfortable on the floor.

I tried to make the living room feel as comforting as I could which meant moving things around and removing some items that reminded me too much of the past. It also meant I brought some things down from my room to make it nicer, like my fairy lights and candles.

I decided the living room would be my little sanctuary, so I made it perfect. Once that was done I had a much needed nap before I went food shopping.

After that first day I just settled into a routine. I either spent my time in my little sanctuary in the living room or I spent my time going out for walks in the fresh air doing my best to clear my mind of those thoughts.

Once I left the house in Long Island I didn't get them again, but I knew my mind was still fragile. Any second those suicidal thoughts could come back and the thought that I was on my own scared the hell out of me. What if they came back and I just did what they said?

I'd have no one to talk me out of it and that was the worst part of it all.

After the first couple days I definitely started to feel better, even though it took me some time to get used to being away from Carson. He did call me, eight times on the first day and then eleven the next day. After that I guess he realised I wasn't going to return his calls so instead he called me once in the morning and once in the evening everyday maybe hoping I would answer?

I don't really know why he was calling me. He also texted a few times a day, always making sure to say good morning and good night to me. I don't know why he was being nice, I deserved everything he said to me that day. I was the one who messed up and even though his words hurt, I knew he could have said worse if he wasn't trying to control himself.

I also knew that if I was anyone else he would have killed me without a second thought, but he didn't do that either. He went against everything that was second nature to him when he didn't scream the house down and then shoot me on site. I didn't deserve his texts or his calls, not after how much money I cost him.

So the first four days passed by while I tried to sort my head out and calm myself down and then I decided to start doing something productive while I was there. I didn't know how long I intended to stay in Ohio, but I knew it was probably the only chance I would get to pack up the house and put it up for sale.

I hoped I wouldn't have to come here again to get away from another disaster that I created.

At least if Carson and I were officially over, I could afford to buy a place of my own with the crazy amount of money I'd earned while working with Carson and then with the money from selling this house. He really did pay me a lot, a six figure sum of 120,000 dollars every week to be a little more precise. I only worked for him for four weeks though, which I guess was better than the one week I managed at my first ever job. It didn't really matter though, I don't think I'd ever be able to get another job as an account after this.

So all that studying went to waste, just like that. The studying I did to get my scholarship to Columbia was wasted, the hours I put in to my work in college were pointless and the work I did to be able to afford the books at the start of my time in New York was also pointless.

I never even needed to go to New York now that I'd never use my degree again. The saddest part was that I only ever ended up with Ayden when I met him on campus walking back from a lecture.

All of it was for nothing. I just had to accept that now and move on, maybe find a new profession? I was only 21 years old after all, I could always find something new to do. That's if I was even allowed to since I'd already officially joined the mafia and taken the oath.

Maybe if I promised not to say anything they would let me move to some to obscure town and become a baker? Or maybe a priest?