TRIGGER WARNING: use of homophobic slur

Mason Maloney

"What is wrong with you?" Pete asked, flicking me on the side of the head as I stared off into space.

I looked over at him with an unsatisfied glare, my eyes hooded and squinting at his accusatory expression. Pete raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes as if telling me to answer him. I looked by him to see Ross and Bella each staring at me with unreadable expressions.

"Nothing," I finally answered, throwing myself back to lie down on the ground.

The four of us sat on the soccer field, which was next to the football field, after having ran around the track before the football players started practice. The grass on the field could be felt through my clothes, giving me an uncomfortable itch, but I paid it no mind. I stared up at the clear, blue sky and wondered how my mind could be so clouded when there wasn't a cloud in sight.

"I kinda feel like you're lying, just saying bro," Pete said as he lay down next to me, his shoulder nearly touching mine.

I didn't respond, but I told myself I was just tired from running. I wasn't actually upset over Sam. It was the physical exhaustion that made me seem so out of it. I let out a sigh, realizing I couldn't even convince myself of that, let alone my friends.

"Get up," Bella suddenly said, standing in front of the two of us with Ross standing behind her.

Bella held out her hand to me and pulled me up with a yank. I stumbled into her slightly before catching my balance as Pete stood to his feet.

"Let's go cheer you up," Bella said with a smile, looping her arm through mine. The gesture made me smile back and I let her lead me to Ross's car where we all piled in.

It didn't take long for me to realize where we were headed. Soon enough, we arrived at Bella's house where her silver Toyota Camry sat in the driveway all alone. Bella grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car as soon as Ross had it parked, leading me up the driveway to her front door. She led me over to the couch in her living room before walking off to the kitchen. Ross and Pete sat on either side of me as we waited for her to return.

"What are we doing?" I asked, leaning over to Ross. He smiled and shrugged.

"We noticed you were bummed out today," Ross started. "So we decided to pig out and watch some movies. You get to pick."

I grinned slightly.

"Just don't pick anything dumb," Pete said, leaning back in his seat.

Bella quickly returned with cans of soda and a bag of chips, placing them on the coffee table in front of us. She grabbed the remote before squeezing her way between Pete and me.

"I put some mozzarella sticks in the oven," she said, turning the TV on.

"Thank God," Pete said dramatically. "I'm starving."

"What else is new?" I joked to which he shot me daggers. "What? You know I'm right."

Pete's face softened and he had a look of realization.

"You know what? You are," he agreed.

"Go pick a movie, even though we all know what you're going to pick," Ross said teasingly.

"I don't know if I'm in the mood for Pride and Prejudice," I confessed with a sigh.

Bella's eyes widened as she turned to stare at me. "You have never not been in the mood to watch Pride and Prejudice."

"I need something I've never seen before that'll make me cry," I said seriously. "I need a good cry."

Bella thought for a moment and then nodded before standing up. "I have just the movie."

She scurried up the stairs to her room, her feet pattering quickly on the floor. Bella was back in less than a minute with a blue movie case in hand. She hastily walked over to the DVD player and put in the disk before coming back to the couch and sitting in her original spot.

"What is it?" I asked curiously.

"It's called Call Me By Your Name," she answered. "Don't ask questions, just watch."

"Will it make me cry?" I asked.

"I said don't ask questions!" Bella snapped. "But yes, it will make you cry."

I took her word for it and settled comfortably on the couch.

"Is this another gay–?" Pete started.

"Shut up!" Bella exclaimed, cutting him off. He muttered something under his breath before crossing his arms over his chest.

My eyes didn't leave the screen the entire duration of the movie and by the end, the four of us were holding back tears. Well, I wasn't holding them back. My tears freely left my eyes along with Elio's as he kept his gaze on the fire place.

"God!" Pete exclaimed, wiping his sleeve over his wet eyes. "Did they have to make us watch him cry for that long?"

I laughed, wiping my own eyes as the credits finally rolled on the screen. Ross sniffled beside me, though no tears fell from his eyes. Bella was full on bawling, gripping onto me and hiding her face in my chest.

"It gets me every time," Bella mumbled, her voice muffled by my chest.

"The last few minutes were pure torture!" Pete said, looking over at me with wide, blood-shot eyes.

I nodded in agreement. "It was sad."

Bella picked her head up and frowned. "They loved each other so much!"

Surprisingly enough, I did feel slightly better after letting my sadness be put toward the movie instead of my own life. However, I knew once I left Bella's house, it would creep back on me.

We stayed at Bella's for a little while before Ross stood up and offered to drive Pete and me home. After dropping Pete off, Ross and I were silent in the car until he decided to speak up.

"Are you, like, depressed or something?" Ross asked as he drove down the road. I looked at him curiously.

"No," I answered honestly. Just because I had been sad doesn't mean that I had depression.

"You just seem out of it more often than usual," he told me. "Is it because of what happened?" he asked, referencing me getting beat up.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, it's not about that."

"Then what is it about? Because we're all worried about you," Ross said seriously.

For a moment I wondered what it would be like if I just told him. What if I just told him I was gay? That I liked Sam? I couldn't imagine he would think of me any different, but I was still apprehensive. I hadn't even labeled myself as gay until now and the thought was so scary that I didn't think I would ever be able to say it out loud.

"Ross, I–" I started. And I swear I almost said it. I almost let it slip out. "I'm just stressed and tired."

I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I was so pathetic. I couldn't even say that small, insignificant, three letter word. I wished I could tell him, that I could admit it, but I was too weak.

"Well, you can talk to me, man," Ross said, pulling up to my house. "About anything."

I let out a brief reply before leaving his car and storming into my house. Nathan was sitting alone in the living room as I hurriedly walked by him, hoping he wouldn't notice me.

"Mase?" he asked, turning around to face me as I made my way to the stairs.

I didn't pay him any mind. I just had to get to my room, then I could cry all I wanted, but I would not do it in front of Nathan.

Before I could make it up the stairs, Nathan grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to face him. I kept my head down, not wanting him to see my teary eyes and red face. My vision was blurred and my eyes felt heavy. I just wanted to get to my room.

"What's wrong?" Nathan asked worriedly.

I harshly pulled myself out of his grasp and continued my trek up the stairs. Unfortunately, Nathan followed me and shoved his way through my door before I could close it. I threw myself down onto my bed face-first and finally let the tears flow.

"What happened?" Nathan asked quickly in a concerned voice. "Are you hurt?"

He sat down on my bed and forcefully pushed me to turn me around. I took in a deep, ragged breath and sobbed, tears running down my face.

"I don't want to talk to you!" I croaked out.

Nathan held my shoulders firmly so I couldn't turn away from him. His face was pulled into a look of concern, his eyes wide and filled with worry. He put his face in front of mine, trying to get me to look at him.

"I just want to make sure you're alright," he said calmly.

"Do I look alright?" I asked back harshly. "I'm pathetic!"

Nathan wildly shook his head. "No you're not. You're not pathetic."

"Yes I am! I can't even say it!" I exclaimed, letting out another sob.

"Why do you think that? What can't you say?" Nathan asked, shaking me slightly.

"I can't say it," I said, shaking my head.

"Mase, whatever it is you can tell me," Nathan urged. "You're not pathetic, you–"

Before I could stop myself, I had finally gotten the courage to do what I was trying to. However, it seemed less like courage and more like defeat or a lapse in judgment. I had wanted to say it out loud, but saying it out loud would make it too real and I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept it. But it was too late.

"I'm gay, Nathan!"

Once the words had left my mouth, it was like the whole world stopped. Nathan froze, his eyes widening in shock and his grip on my shoulders loosened. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath before trying to release myself from Nathan's grasp.

"Let me go," I mumbled weakly, tears continuing to stream down my face.

"Mase–"

"Let me go!" I screamed, but his hands stayed firmly on me and his grip tightened again.

"Listen to me," Nathan said sternly. "You are not pathetic. So you're gay? I don't understand why you're crying about that."

I rolled my eyes and tried shoving him. "Shut up, I know what you put on Sam's car. I know how you feel about fags."

Nathan visibly winced at my words, but then shook his head.

"I didn't mean it," Nathan defended. "I was just trying to get to him. If I knew you were–"

"You shouldn't have had to know about me!" I yelled back.

Nathan nodded. "You're right. It was stupid."

I furiously wiped my eyes as Nathan moved to rub my back soothingly. I breathed deeply as I willed to stop crying.

"Listen," Nathan started, grabbing my attention. "I love you, okay?"

I nodded as he pulled me to his side in a hug. I buried my face into his chest as my last few tears fell. Nathan held me tightly almost as if he never wanted to let me go.

"Does anyone else know?" Nathan asked quietly. I lifted my head up to look at him while he still kept his arms around me.

"Just you and a guy I've been with–"

"You've been with a guy?" Nathan interjected, looking troubled.

I smacked his chest in annoyance. "I'm gay, yes I've been with a guy."

"Did he hurt you? Is that why you were so upset?" he asked fiercely.

"No, I–"

"Because I swear to God I will beat the shit–"

"Nathan, stop," I stopped him, giving him an annoyed look.

"What? I'm not going to let some guy hurt you," he said seriously.

I rolled my eyes. "I can handle myself with him."

The thought of Nathan knowing who I had been with was scarier than admitting I was gay. I would never hear the end of it. I didn't know if Nathan would ever forgive me if I told him about Sam, and I respected Sam enough to not out him to my brother.

"Who is it?" he asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.

I gave him a stern look. "I can't tell you."

Nathan sighed, but nodded anyway.

"It's not Ross or Pete, right?" he asked, his voice filled with hope.

I let out a loud laugh. "No, not a chance."

Nathan chuckled and let out a relieved breath. "Good. So they don't know?"

I shook my head. "You're the only one I've actually told."

Nathan nodded and smiled to himself. "I know it probably didn't happen the way you wanted it to, but I'm really glad you told me."

"Honestly? I feel relieved," I told him. "I didn't let myself label my sexuality for so long because I was afraid, but now I know it, I know who I am."

Nathan's smile widened and he pulled me closer to his side. I couldn't help but throw my arm around him in a hug. There was no one on this Earth I trusted more than Nathan. We didn't always get along and he has made some questionable decisions, but we have been together since before we were born. I knew I would never have this type of connection with anyone else.

"So, are you with that guy still?" Nathan asked as we pulled away from each other.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "It didn't work out."

"But you wish it did," Nathan added, clearly reading my thoughts.

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess."

"So why don't you just make it work?"

I threw my head back slightly. "I can't just make it work."

"Sure you can," he said. "If you want it bad enough you can."

I shook my head, looking back at him. "I don't think he wants me anymore."

"Why wouldn't he? You're a catch!" Nathan said, gesturing toward me.

I chuckled and took in a deep breath. "Because I told him we couldn't be together and now he's with someone else."

Nathan gave me a confused look and hit me on the back of the head.

"Why the hell would you tell him that?" he asked me incredulously.

I let out a deep breath and lied back on my bed. It would be so much easier to explain to him if I could tell him the complete truth.

"Dude," Nathan started, leaning over me. "You need to get your man."

If only he knew who my "man" was. He would never be encouraging me to get him back.

"Yeah, yeah," I brushed him off.

Nathan stood up, causing me to sit up to look up him.

"Let me know if you need my help," he said with a wink before stepping out of my room and closing the door.

I let out a sigh as the door shut. It felt like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders. It made me think about Sam. Should I risk being with him? I didn't know the answer to that. All I knew is that I wanted to risk it.

**

Thank you to @Grand_ for the incredible cover that I have attached! Everyone please take a look :)

ALSO, I'm working on some casting. I wanted to have it done by this update, but I didn't want to withhold the chapter any longer from you guys since I'm not finished with the casting. I'm going to continue working on that and hopefully have it done by Friday :)

Please let me know what you think of the chapter!

What do you think about Mason coming out to Nathan? Did you expect Nathan's reaction?