Sean

The first few weeks after the break up went by easier than I imagined. I can cope with this, I told myself. I thought I was doing okay, but the worst of it came when Flora called me and told me she got in NYU.

I was happy for her, but there was also a sense of loss, telling me that everything was pointless now. We used to talk about a future together before that future came crashing down on me. In the end it really didn't matter where she went to school. She would go to Central Park and MOMA with some other guy, and I had no one to build a mechanical dog for anymore.

Flora damaged me like a blast of hurricane. She came on fast and strong, left rapidly with messy trails, and I was abandoned to deal with the aftermath alone. I didn't know how much longer it'd take to get over her, but I did know I was nowhere near ready.

After hanging up the phone, I went to the café Nicholas worked at. The place was overpriced and snooty, but I went sometimes so I could leave him a tip and help him out a little. When I sat down he was busy behind counters, so I cracked open my German textbook.

I finally had a motivation to study. Jake and Dylan were counting on me to lure in European girls for them, after all.

"Hey, what can I get you?" Nicholas appeared, pleasant as usual. He once told me jokingly that they were supposed to intimidate the customers by acting overbearing, so that they would subconsciously feel that buying a cup of coffee here made them cooler. He could never be anything but nice though.

"I want something dark." To match my thoughts.

"I'll get you a French Roast." A while later he set it down on my table, the end of his thin purple tie touching the table. As if sensing my mood, he added, "I'm not busy now if you want company."

"That'd be nice."

He pulled up a chair and sat down across from me. I wanted to talk to someone who wouldn't judge me, like him, but I didn't know where to start.

"She comes here sometimes," he said after a brief silence.

I nodded. Flora already told me, just like everything else about her life that she was eager to share.

"She's always asking about you."

It was what I expected, and I knew Flora still cared about me and wanted me in her life, albeit under a different title. I couldn't give her that, however, just like I didn't know how to be a good boyfriend for her. I told her I'd make it worth it and that falling in love with me would be the best crazy thing she ever did, but it really wasn't.

"I've been thinking a lot about what I did wrong," I said, watching the smoke rise from the mug, stretching out across the air.

"What's the conclusion?"

"I think she changed a lot for me, but I wasn't able to do the same for her. There were things I was willing to do, but I also had to draw the line somewhere. Flora's like...she can give up everything for me."

"You think she tried harder for the relationship?"

"Yes, but in my defense, I tried too. There are just some core values that I can't change, no matter how much I love her. Giving up MIT for New York, for example. And Janet thinks I should let her hang out with other guys, but she's too close with them. It's not just grabbing a bite together after class. It's hanging out in a house alone or partying after midnight, and even though I know where she's coming from, it's hard for me to approve of it."

He gave me a non-committal nod, to show that he heard rather than he agreed. "And you think it's your fault that you can't change for her?"

"Yeah. I was too stubborn about a lot of things. She wanted to have a break instead of a breakup, and I couldn't agree to that either."

He leaned forward and propped his forearms against the table as I went on, and when I finished, he said, "I'm no expert, but here's my take on this. A relationship is a little bit like business. You lay down your terms and conditions and see if the other person finds it acceptable, and you separate on good terms when it doesn't work out. She may be more flexible during the negotiation, but it's neither one of your faults."

"I wish it were that easy. There are feelings involved."

"Of course. You sacrifice for her if you think she's worth it, but you let her go if it's going against the things you're unwilling to change. No shame in that. You know exactly how much you can give up and I think that's...admirable, really."

I took a sip of my coffee. It had a bold flavor with a strong bite, much like Nicholas's words.

"I don't agree with Janet," he said. "She thinks you should change yourself for Flora too, but I say find someone who shares your values."

"Speaking of values, we fought a lot when I was helping her study. I was strict with her, and perhaps putting all that emphasis on responsibility killed the romance. Ironically, in order to build a future, it cost us."

He nodded. "Maybe at this point of life she just wants to have a good time."

"Yeah, the things I can offer her are not what she wants."

"But ask yourself this. If you could do it over again, what would you change? Would you have all the fun you could while it lasted?"

I thought back to our moments together, each one more precious than the last, and breathed in the strong aroma of the coffee in front of me. I thought hard. What could I have done to save us?

I would still put school first and make sure she placed studying before sex. I didn't have money to spend on all the restaurants she wanted to try, and I liked having dinner with my family. When I went to parties with her, I would stay sober even if she wanted us to blow off steam together. I'd still say no to making out in the storage room, smoking pot with Raymond, texting her constantly on vacation, and applying to Colombia or taking a year off. I would still ask her to go home at a reasonable hour and drive slower, because I'd never be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to her.

Lastly, I couldn't say yes to a break or staying friends, because there were times when it was best not to complicate things.

"I can't really change anything," I said. "I did what I thought was best, and I'd definitely do it over again."

He nodded. "Then you have no regrets. You gave your best shot, and even if it didn't work out the way you wanted to, you'll leave knowing her life is a little better after she met you."

I had never thought of it that way before. It was a nice thought, a positive thought that made things don't seem so pointless after all.

"Maybe no matter what you choose to do, it won't last forever," Nicholas said, "but the feeling of doing the right thing will last."

"And I guess an NYU diploma will last forever too."

"Exactly." He smiled. "Hey, drink your coffee while it's still hot."

He left the table then to get to a customer, and we didn't get a chance to talk much after that. Before I went home, he told me that they were replacing the old coffee machine with a new one.

"I can give the old one to you," he said. "It's used but in perfect condition."

"Keep it yourself." I knew Nicholas loved coffee too, and he could never afford to buy one.

"No, I'm sick of coffee. Besides, you'll still need to buy beans and I don't want to spend money on that."

He showed me how to operate the machine. I didn't know what to say so I just said thanks. Nicholas was a really great friend. We didn't hang out that much, but every time counted.

Before I turned to go, he looked at me meaningfully and said, "It takes time, you know."

"To make coffee?" I asked, even though I knew that wasn't what he meant at all.

"Yes, to make coffee." He smiled. "You'll be okay."

***

Flora didn't stop trying after that. She asked me out a few more times and hinted quite tactlessly about getting back together. I was on the bleachers one afternoon, watching Dylan and Jake shooting hoops when she sat down next to me. I could feel my body tense immediately, but I counted to three and turned to her with a smile.

"Flora."

"Hey. So what's up?" She managed to sound flirty with such a simple greeting. Or perhaps it was just her familiar perfume, seducing me the way only she was capable of. It was torture of the best kind.

"You know, the usual." Trying to get over you and hoping you'd stay away from me. "How about you?"

"Nicholas lent me some books," she said. "This is amazing, but I'm actually starting to enjoy reading! I also did some puzzles a while back. The one you gave me is my favorite."

"Interesting." You mean the one with the Eiffel tower, which we would never see together?

"Anyway, I want to talk to you about something." She turned her enormous hazel eyes to me, and when we were staring at each other like that, my heart rate still escalated uselessly.

"Yes?"

"Okay, here goes." She squared her shoulders. "I want to ask you if...if you want to go to prom together."

I blinked. "You want to what?"

"I want to go to senior prom with you. It's been my dream since freshman year."

"You're crazy," I said before I could stop myself.

"Just for old times' sake, Sean. I can't think of anyone else I'd like to go with. We'll just go as friends, of course."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

I thought she would leave it at that, but a few seconds later she said suddenly, "I think of you literally every second. I wish you could give us another chance."

I looked away. The hurt was still so fresh, and she thought she could say whatever she wanted without considering a second about how I felt. Her innocent impulsiveness was crueler than she realized.

She laid a hand on my forearm lightly. "I really miss you."

My composure fell apart at her touch. Something snapped inside me, and all the pain, bitterness, anger, and sadness that tore at me for weeks broke free finally, like a tormented beast finally clawed its way out. I picked up her hand and let it drop. "No, Flora, this is unfair. You're not allowed to say you miss me and you can't touch me. Okay?"

The pain on her face was hard to watch, and it really wasn't my intention. "Why are you like this? You don't have to burn every bridge."

"You broke up with me, remember? You have no right to ask me this. Besides, you have enough friends to build an army already. I don't know why you have to force your friendship on me."

"I'm sorry." She covered her face with her hands, and then she mumbled that she still loved me as much as before. At that moment I hated her. When I told her I loved her, it was a promise. When she said it, it was like an inspiration. She said it whenever she felt like saying it, even when she didn't know what she wanted and what she could do with it.

"Flora, I don't hate you for breaking up with me, but if you keep doing this to me...you don't know how much it affects me when you say things like that." My voice cracked. "You know as well as I do that even if we get back together, we'll break up again soon. Nothing's changed. We're still very different people and highly incompatible, except that with one more break up between us, it's going to be even harder to work this time. We have every reason to stay apart and only faith to hold us together, and now even that's gone."

Jake and Dylan had stopped passing the ball and were looking up at us. I hated having them worry over me.

Flora's eyes were brimming with tears. "Sean, please. I just don't want us to end like this. I want us to be able to talk to each other, at least."

I looked up at the ceiling to distract myself. I didn't want to cry in front of her again. It'd be so easy to give in and tell her how much I wanted to get back together too, all the time, every single minute, but I needed to be strong.

"Flora, you're going to dazzle the world and let the world dazzle you. I respect the lifestyle you want, but I can't fit in that lifestyle. I admire you for ending it before it's too late. You made the right decision, and now I need you to stick with it." I took a deep breath. "I can't be friends with you because you have no boundaries and I can't resist you, so it's best that we cut all ties. You want me to talk to you? That's all I want to say."

Flora's tears seized my heart as usual and I couldn't breathe. I really didn't mean to make her cry again, but we seemed to keep hurting each other despite being madly in love. I couldn't watch her. I stood up and left the gym, but this time I didn't feel like a coward for running away.

I'd always thought the hardest thing would be trying to get Flora to stay in my life, but now I understood.

It was letting her go.

I thought of the stupid wishes I made at the carnival. We weren't going to achieve world peace anytime soon, my granddad just went through another stent replacement, and Flora sat beside me a minute ago, my personal heartbreaker, and I still loved her as dearly as that day. I had the sinking feeling that we really would always love each other, but we would do that on our own.

Be careful what you wish for. I got my wish, but it wasn't a blessing but a curse.

***

Not very long afterwards, prom rolled around the corner.

"I heard you're not going with Flora," Janet said as we sat at our usual place on the lawn before class started.

"That's right. Who's she going with?" I asked even though I shouldn't. It was none of my business.

"She's going by herself. She said she's making a statement." Janet looked at me. "How about you?"

I usually didn't care much for dances, but senior prom was kind of important, even to me, and I didn't want to go with someone random. "I don't know. It's too soon and there's no one else I can see myself talking to the whole night."

"Oh, there is someone," Janet said. She waited a second to build the suspense. "Me. Your best friend."

I laughed. "You want to go to prom with me? But I assume you'd go with Brian."

"No, I want to go with you."

Janet asked me because she was worried about me. It was a bit like a pity date. "J, thanks for the offer, but it's okay."

"I'm serious. Brian's been to his senior prom already. I don't need to drag him off to mine."

"Really? But wouldn't you want him to dance with you, buy you a corsage and pick you up in a limo?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's so lame. We're too cool for that."

"Don't expect a limo from me either."

"Please don't. Take it easy. We'll just hang out and make comments about other people."

"Is Brian going to be okay with it? I'd definitely not be okay with it if I were him."

"He really doesn't care." Janet popped a piece of gum into her mouth, then she stopped chewing to deliver a very touching sentence. "You know what? I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't understand us. I've known you for my whole life and Brian's completely cool with it."

"If he doesn't mind, then sure. Let's go to prom together."

"Okay. Who knows how many chances we can hang out together after we graduate?" Janet asked with a foreign light in her eyes, like she wanted to hang on to something that was running down the drain. I knew how she felt. It was the uncertainly of saying goodbye to high school and everything familiar.

"Yeah, but I'll see you every time we come back home."

She nodded. "We'll always be best friends, right? My life just wouldn't be the same without you."

It wasn't Janet's style to say warm things to me, and she never needed to. It was a bit like Dylan hugging me when he was drunk or Linda kissing me on rare occasions; I appreciated their affection but I could do without. However, right at that moment, as I watched our classmates gathering in front of the building, I felt exactly the same and I knew what she meant. A sense of nostalgia hit me even though high school wasn't over yet.

I never told Janet her friendship was important to me, and that I was sorry for always placing my relationships before her.

"J, thank you for being there for me for all these years. You really are the best friend I could ever hope for."

"I plan to stay that way, that is, unless I'm too busy being a rock star," she said, ending the heart-warming session. "In that case, my assistant will return your calls."

"You decided to sign the record deal?"

"Yup. My band is quite understanding," she said. "I'm just going to try it out for a while and record some songs during the summer. I'm temporarily putting college on hold."

"College can wait, being a rock star can't."

"That's what I thought too." She smiled. "So enjoy my company while you still can."

She stood up first when the bell rang and slipped on her headphones. I was grateful for Janet's friendship, but sometimes I'd briefly ponder where this friendship was heading, and I knew it would eventually fade out if Brian wasn't as understanding as he was. I met him a few times and he really did seem super chill. It was weird thinking of it now that I was in this position, the guy friend, the exact kind of role that I'd be wary about as a boyfriend, yet I just agreed to going to prom with her.

That was some serious double standard right there.

***

Janet was dressed in a grey tee and black leather pants when she came over to meet up for prom, from right next door. She had on dark eye shadow and looked as if she was on the way to one of her rock concerts.

If this had been Flora, she would've made a big fuss about our outfits, demanded a pre-prom photo session, made dinner reservations at a grand restaurant, and rent a helicopter so we could arrive in style, and for some strange reason I found myself longing for that. Not that I was complaining, but with Janet this felt like any other night. We grabbed a fast dinner, took her car to school, and after we arrived, we joined a small group of our friends.

I couldn't believe Dylan and Sydney made it to prom together. I was almost jealous. For the time being they seemed to be on good terms, which means a horrendously public display of parental advisory explicit content. Jake claimed that prom was as bad as asking someone to go to a wedding together, thus it was imperative that he showed up alone. For the time being he was scouting the dance floor like a hawk, looking for his next partner in crime.

At this point, the person I least expected stopped in front of me and asked me if I wanted to dance.

She looked great in a yellow satin dress. It hung off her body and dripped like liquid gold.

"My pleasure, Sandra," I said.

Sandra half-smiled at me, and even though it was ridiculous, I really did feel like a peasant in front of the queen. We danced for a while, and without Flora there as a lubricant, I struggled to come up with anything to say to her.

"So where's Daniel?" I asked. "I noticed you weren't dancing with him."

Her eyebrows rose coolly and the expression on her face never wavered. "I didn't know you were the gossiping type."

"I was just trying to make conversation."

She pointed across the room with her chin. "He's over there. Wearing a fedora hat. The guy probably thinks he's Humphrey Bogart." Her eyes rested back on my face. "We just broke up, if you must know."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about," she said. "I'm more sorry about you, to be honest."

My body tensed involuntarily. "I guess it's nothing to be sorry about, either."

She shook her head. "I had to hear your stupid name every other sentence for