Breanna Michelle Santana

The talk with Holland was exactly what I needed. She made things so clear. While shit was Grayson was still up in the air, I was proud of him for seeking help. It meant he was taking a step in the right direction and I was no longer opposed to the fact of having another talk. This time only civilized the whole way through.

Holland was no professional, either, but she put thing into perspective. I stopped blaming myself for things I couldn't control. A man cheating isn't a mistake, it was a choice. A choice he made that had nothing to do with me, so I stopped being so insecure about it. That doubt wasn't easy to get out of my head, though.

It was two days before Dad's wedding and I decided to clean up my act. Like, literally.

I started with the house and the guest room I occupied for the meantime. It was a wreck like my life at one point.

After dusting, vacuuming, making the bed, and disinfecting the bathroom, I went to the bigger areas of the house.

Cleaning made me feel good on the inside.

I danced around the house to the music in my head, wearing a smock, footies, and rubber gloves.

All of a sudden, in walked Dad and Angie who were all smiles.

"It smells clean in here," Dad commented.

"That's a first," Angie griped. Dad playfully joked back with her and then came to give me a hug.

"I see you're in actual clothes. Did you run out of track suits?"

"Ha ha," I sarcastically laughed. "No, I wanted to feel good. You look good, you feel good, Dad."

"Well that's definitely a start. Can you clean out the pool next," he teased.

I rolled my eyes and got back to sweeping.

In my zone, I pressed 'play' on my phone and slid it back into the pocket of my denim skinny jeans.

When I went to the closet to return the broom, I caught Dad and his soon-to-be wife glaring at me and whispering to each other eye.

My eyes lowered, getting suspicious. "You talking about me," I asked in a funny tone.

"Yes, actually. Angie wants to give you something," Dad spoke up.

"No, no, I couldn't take anything from you, Ang. I didn't even get you guys a wedding gift. Really, whatever it is, I can't accept it-"

Angie smiled and then turned her back to me so she could dig in the purse that she had stop the granite countertop. After a short search in her Michael Kors bag, she offered me some coupon.

"What's this," I questioned the gift before reading what was on it.

"It's a trip to the spa," Angie proudly blurted just as I scanned the writing.

"This is so sweet, but it's for you. You take it, you deserve it," I countered, trying to hand it over.

She shook her head and pushed it back to my chest. "Take it," she insisted kindly, "you deserve it, Brea. Get in some self-care, you need it. No offense."

I laughed a little because that reminded me of what Holland said.

To Angie, I went, "Thank you. So much, this is beyond sweet and I'm gonna do you one better!"

"All I want is for you to take care of yourself," Angie told me, squeezing my hands.

"And I don't ever want to see you that upset again. I thought I lost you, bud. Listen to me," my father spoke, "you are a Santana, we are strong and we handle our shit. Know your worth and don't ever let a man make you feel like anything less, you hear me? Or next time I'm beating someone's ass."
Angie and I laughed at my father.

I nodded, trying not to get emotional. "Thank you," is all I could repeat.

"Now get out of here and do your self-care, or whatever," Dad talked as I neared the door to leave. I just smiled and waved. "And make sure you get some new clothes, too, those pants are two sizes too big; you look like a mess."

I reacted playfully offended and flipped him off, getting the finger back.

Laughing, I finally made my way outside to the driveway where I stood on the top step to inhale some more fresh air. Ahh.

"What a nice day," I shrieked with a grin. With some pep in my step, I bounced to my car and popped on my sunglasses before reversing onto the street.

This is gonna be a good day, I thought. Some retail therapy never hurt.

And spoiling yourself is NOT selfish - it's a necessity.

Old Brea was making a comeback and I couldn't be prouder.

====

After a day at the spa of getting a facial, a full-body massage, mani/pedi, and drinking white wine, I also got my hair done. A good shampoo, conditioning, and blow-out did the trick. And after all of that, I did some shopping to get clothes that better fit after I lost weight. I didn't notice before but I was even losing weight while with Gray. I think it came after the news about me not being about to ever successfully carry a child. Either way, I came to peace with both of those things and while it stung, I had to move on.

I got back to Dad's and realized he and Angie left to do some last minute wedding stuff.

Tired, but feeling accomplished, I plopped down on the bed.

First thing's first: a shower. I ran the water and got in, allowing myself to finally shave after God-knows-how-long. That was my first time in a good while executing my once daily full shower routine: singing like I'm a concert, exfoliating, shaving, and everything else the girlies do during their special alone time.

When I stepped out, didn't bother getting a towel so I could air dry. I walked into the bedroom and spun. The feeling was so freeing, I don't know why I've never just walked about naked before.

There was a full body mirror in the far corner of the bedroom near the balcony door so I switched over and stared at myself.

The girl in the reflection was recognizable but with some differences, and I'm not complaining. Though I was a bit thinner, I convinced myself after a few minutes of overthinking that I was still beautiful.

Getting inspired by the women I saw online and in my "feminist classes", I looked at myself and said, "I'm a bad bitch. Any man is a fool to not want me. I'm more than enough, I'm a queen, and should be treated as such." I figured that was enough because the more I went on, the less conviction I had behind the words.

Feeling a bit shy, I dried my body and threw on a pink halter-top mini dress. It was y2k inspired, I just had to have it.
Anyway, I got dressed and felt a smile coming on. Feeling myself, I literally gave myself a hug and started really listening to the words of the song. They spoke to me. Machine Gun Kelly's song "forget me too" featuring Halsey came on and I blasted it throughout the bedroom, putting it on repeat even. I'm sure the neighbors could hear since all of the windows were up that afternoon.

"There she is," I laughed shamelessly, "aha!" I found myself bragging aloud about myself in the mirror when I passed it as I danced wildly about.

I like this Brea, I hope I can keep this momentum. This is a good Brea. All I want is to be the best version of myself. And supposedly, that started with self-love, something I apparently lacked since I couldn't respect myself enough to leave toxic relationships and my own negative behaviors. As much as I swear that's all behind me, none of this is a straight line.

But. I'm working on it!

Here's how:

Step 1) stop comparing yourself to others.

When Grayson got with Bethany, I wondered if he was into older women. If he wanted some bimbo that I'd never amount to. Physically, anyway. I also worried she had a certain level of maturity I hadn't yet possessed that he must've been attracted to.

Then I met Leila who was younger so the Bethany-cougar theory was out. I found out Grayson didn't have a type. Leila was pretty and the first thing I did was judge her. I wondered if he liked her because she was more naive and less experienced. My fear was he didn't want me because he thought I had slept with other men.

Out loud, I said, "I accept these things and acknowledge them. I can't change the past, I can only change how I look at the things in my present and strive to be better for the future. I claim that I am no longer burdened by these situations and I am moving on."

Step 2) allow yourself to make mistakes

I should've made it clear what I wanted with Grayson. Me leading him on led to uncertainty and confusion. He misunderstood what we were because I could never drop Kaign for him completely. While it was obvious I was crazy for Grayson, I had a guard up that didn't allow us to take things further then.

Next, I made a big mistake. I poked condoms in Grayson's condoms. While the women at my classes thought it was a brilliantly mad idea that was affective in proving he cheated, I knew it was some crazy shit to do. It could've changed not only his life but Bethany's and her fiancé's, Jared.

Again, I said, "I accept these things and acknowledge them. I can't change the past, I can only change how I look at the things in my present and strive to be better for the future. I claim that I am no longer burdened by these situations and I am moving on."

Step 3) don't be afraid to let go of toxic people

This is the hardest one.

My burning question: are Grayson and I truly toxic? It was easy for outsiders, like our friends and family, to think we were just in it for the sex. Hell, even I thought that at one point. However, I know in my heart that it was more than that. Though, what we had was not always healthy. The bad outweighed the good this time. It was time to cut it off.

I inhaled greatly and started to repeat, "I accept these things and acknowledge them. I can't change the past, I can only change how I look at the things in my present and strive to be better for the future. I claim that I am no longer-"

Well. Aheh. Let's put a pin in this one, shall we?

Step 4) process your fears

Ending up alone. Being rejected. Being broken up with for someone else - someone better. Getting dumped for seemingly no reason. Having no one ever truly love me. Never experiencing a real relationship.

Those are all things that scare me when it comes to love, and that's just to name a few.

I've never laid them all out and thought about why I feel this way. I just know those are things I never want to go through.

With Kaign, I see now that he wasn't into me so it was easy for him not to get jealous. So all of those things I didn't want in a relationship — arguing, jealousy — were a result of being with someone who didn't care. I see now that someone who cares, there will be ups... and downs.

I said, "I accept these things and acknowledge them. I can't change the past, I can only change how I look at the things in my present and strive to be better for the future. I claim that I am no longer burdened by these situations and I am moving on."

Step 5) put yourself first

Here's that self-care I mentioned. See, it's not selfish at all! I need to make it more of a habit to be kind to myself because the last few months haven't been.

Step 6) feel joy and pain as fully as you can

This meant allowing myself to revel in my joy as well as not putting limitations on my feelings. I'm allowed to express myself. My emotions are valid.
All emotions. This meant natural ones that I like to look down on and act like I don't feel. Jealousy. Pettiness. Insecurities.

They're real, I feel them. I've always felt them. Now I can acknowledge them and act accordingly, better knowing how to combat them.

Step 7) see beauty in the simple things

I've never been a "stop and smell the roses" type of person but I wish I could be. Now I have that chance and I'm gonna take it! Life has a lot to offer that we — I — take for granted.

"Gratitude not only gives you perspective, it's essential to help you find joy."

I need that joy and perspective in my life now more than ever. I claim it!

Step 8) be kind to yourself

I've come a long way and grown so much, I need to celebrate that. I have to start being more proud of myself and appreciative, instead of being self-deprecating.

If I know that other people's opinions don't matter, only what I think of myself does, why would I call myself bad things?

====

Like I said, it's not a straight line. Nothing great will happen overnight but I see a change already and I don't plan on slowing down.

I lost myself, but after taking responsibility for how things went wrong on my end, and accepting it, I feel much better. Now, I can move on.

Only, am I ready to? Sure, I'm starting to really love myself unapologetically which makes me unstoppable, but my heart still wants what it wants — no matter how bad ass my new attitude is.

Again, NOT a straight line. Grayson's working on himself as am I. We're on two different paths that don't seem will cross anytime soon. And that's good. I think?
Not to mention I have that ticket for Greece and my plans to flee don't involve returning to Oregon.

I don't know how things will play out but all I can do is wish him well. We didn't need another face-to-face encounter while on our journeys, and I didn't want to risk anything being miscommunicated through text.

So, I deleted his number. And oddly, it felt good. Freeing.

But fuck, I still love him...

====

A/N:

Self-love steps from an online article. Link below!

http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/

~Natasha Carmen