71. "ready to love"

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Breanna Michelle Jansen

     "Aghh," I groan first thing in the morning. I woke up, hissing at the bright sunlight that shone in through the thin curtains.

My eyes blinked open as I sat up in the bed, hating myself.

Ah, I did NOT miss hangovers, I left those in my college days.

Why did I drink so much last night, I thought in my throbbing head.

My phone barked, the text tone I selected.

I rolled over awfully slow to get my phone off the bedside drawer to see who was texting me.

Instantly, my tired eyes widened at the sight of all the missed calls and texts.

"Is it really 2 o'clock?" I asked myself out loud after reading the time on my lockscreen.

Rather than blaming my laziness or night of drinking, I blamed my late awakening on the time difference between the coasts.

Everyone from Kaign to Dylan, Angie, my dad, and even my mother had tried contacting me. Joey reached out, too. Wait-- Joey? I blinked and checked to see if I read that right.

"Asshole," I snarled at the sight of his contact on my screen but clicked anyway. He just sent a text to see if I got home safe and wondered if we were still "cool". Read. Contact deleted.

"Goodbye, Joey. Hell-o, room service!" I picked up the hotel phone and read over the menu as I waited to place an order.

======

Fresh out the steamy shower, I used the palm of my hand to wipe a circle in the mirror so I could see my reflection better.

KNOCK! KNOCK! "Brea, you in there?"

No, who else? That's what I wanted to say but didn't.

"Yeah, what?"

"We're headed to the dinner if you want to ride with us," Kaign offered.

"Oh. Um, no thanks."

"You sure," he asked politely.

I nodded like he could see me. "Positive. I'll meet you there later." I assured him and waited until I heard the door shut to resume my music.

Tapping my phone screen with my wet fingertip, I saw that it was almost four.

Dad's thing started at 5:30, I figured I had time to spare.

So, I took my time blow drying my hair and applying light makeup once I was properly cleaned off and moisturized.


Having spent time procrastinating and watching RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 2, it was now 6:12 PM. I was officially late. Part of me didn't care because I really didn't want to be around all that love and family asking "where's your man" "why are you single". On the other hand, I wasn't that selfish and did want to celebrate with my father and his soon-to-be wife, Angie.

With a huff, I got out of bed and let the robe fall to my ankles as I put my suitcase on the bed and unzipped it to pull out an outfit to wear to the dinner.

======

Just my luck. I arrived in the middle of my father's toast.

I knew it wasn't true but it felt like everyone stopped to turn and stare at me as I took a seat at the end of the table with my friends Kaign and Dylan.

His speech went on another couple of minutes before everyone went "cheers" and drank their beverages.

Everyone on my dad's side was basically present. As I scanned the tent, I locked eyes with my mother's.

"Damn it," I cursed to myself in a loud whisper.

"Is she coming?" I asked Kaign, covering my face with a provided plate.

"3, 2-" Kaign tried helping me out but she was too fast.

"Kaign, Dylan, how are you?" I heard her ask them while I was still slouched down in my white fold-up chair.

They chit-chatted some before her hand landed firmly on my right shoulder.

"Hi, Breanna," she talked in her sweet voice.

"Heyyyy, Mom." I sat up with bad posture.

Don't get me wrong, it was nice seeing her, but I knew she'd want to talk and ask about my business. I just didn't want to talk about it with her because she always gave me those psychologists eyes. Granted, she wasn't a shrink herself but she had this smug "I hear you but I'm low key judging you" look that just made me want to hit her yet confess everything to her at the same time, it's weird.

Swallowing my pride, I got up to hug her.

"I missed you," she said and I said it back but after she asked if we could have a little chat.

"Actually, I need to talk to her first," my dad spoke,"Breanna, nice of you to finally join us."

"I'm glad you could make it, I missed seeing your face," Angie said to me, pulling my body in for a hug.

Both of my parents looked upset at me so I needed to escape. Fast.

"Mmm, actually, I'm super hungry and I saw shrimp so I'm just gonna excuse myself," I awkwardly laughed as I removed myself.

...

With food on my plate, I sat with some family members to eat it.

Baby Max was crying, as always. I was starting to think his mother never fed him because that was one cranky baby.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Kaign talking to my father outside of the tent. It looked pretty serious, I could tell by dad's furrowed brows.

Uh-oh, I thought and gulped.

When I looked back a few minutes later, dad had called mom over and they were all in discussion.

I mean, obviously, they were talking about me, right? Growing anxious, my leg shook uncontrollably.

"You gonna eat that?" Asked my fully Cuban cousin, Carmen.

"No, take it." I slid the plastic plate over to her and excused myself from the table, stomping over to my parents and Kaign.

He couldn't even look me in the eyes, I knew he must've really told them some shit.

"We need to talk," my dad put on his stern voice and led the way.

Before they dragged me away, I noticed Kaign's glossy eyes.

Was he crying, I internally wondered. What did he say to them?

Chandler and Maria walked me down to the beach where we all took a seat in the sand, me in the middle.

"Brea, Kaign told us everything," is how my dad started the conversation.

All I could do was listen promptly and stare out at the ocean.

"Before you get mad at him, he was just looking out for you. He's concerned - we all are," my mom spoke softly.

"We, your mother and I, haven't been entirely truthful with you, Brea." Dad admitted, swallowing hard as mom looked into his eyes and waited to speak again.

"Kaign told us about.. your past. He says he can't stand you beating yourself up anymore about how you're not 'worthy of love', like you say-"

My mom interjected to say,"And we both told you that's not true; you're not broken, baby."

Continuing, my dad said,"He seems to think it's his fault, that you're... confused."

"How is it possibly his fault?" I asked.

They went on to tell me how Kaign broke down, saying he used and manipulated me when we dated because he was in the closet and gave me this falsehood of what a real relationship is like. Kaign figured if he hadn't tried to get back at Grayson and just came out, we would've never been together thus allowing Gray and I to have given things a shot earlier meaning the whole bet would've never occurred.

I truly didn't what to think.

Because of all of that, Kaign believed he was the reason I would never be able to let my guard down and ever even feel love.

"You were too young to remember but I left your father a few times before our divorce. The first time was really bad and I was gone for a while. I was depressed and finally just stopped trying. It was nothing your father did, it was my own demons. You know I never knew my father, I guess you can say I had 'daddy issues'. Because I was, well, unstable technically, your father got you. We wanted to make sure you grew up with him in your life so you'd have an example of a good man since we couldn't show you a healthy relationship." My mom dropped a bomb on me, her voice cracking at the end.

My father reached out and rubbed her hand. He then said,"You started to disassociate when you were just a kid. So, we took you to see someone. They tried to say you had ADD, ADHD, ODC, shit, ABC-" My mom and I laughed at my dad's last remark, lightening the mood.

Dad continued,"We just thought you needed some time, some stability, a little extra love and care," he said.

"I didn't realize until it was too late that me leaving would've affected you how it did, and that was my fault," my mom sobbed.

"You didn't talk to anyone, you didn't trust anyone, you were hesitant to make friends-" my dad got cut off.

Mom added,"you had separation anxiety from your father and bad nightmares - this was all while your dad and I were on and off, so I was in and out of the house."

"I remember that," I spoke up,"the separation anxiety and nightmares."

That's why I could never sleep and was scared of the dark now.

My mom nodded, her eyes welling up.

"It was neither of our faults, baby, we just grew apart."

"And my first instinct was to shut down and run. Sound familiar?" Very.

I understood clearly what they were trying to say and it stuck. My whole life was a lie, though. I was led to believe she didn't love me and that she was some savage cheater - a selfish, sociopath, sexual deviant. While they cleared up any uncertainty I had, it didn't mean I wasn't still fucked up from all of that. I wasn't going to just snap and be "normal" and ready to love just. like. that...

Ho-ly shit. Something did click.

"Oh my God, I need to talk to Grayson," I gasped. "Again!"

"Yes you do," my parents agreed.

"It's funny how life works, huh?" Asked my mom.

"You mean everything coming full circle?" My dad elaborated, earning a nod from his ex-wife.

"Watching them is like deja vu," my mom jested.

To be fair, she wasn't far off, I saw the connection.

"Grayson is you, Dad. I'm Mom. And, oh my God, Alfie is me. He's growing up in a broken home, I need to save him!" I joked but was kind of serious.

"That's one way to look at it, sure," my dad let out, lightly chuckling.

We all stood on our feet in the sand.

I looked them over once before forcing them into a group hug.

"I love you guys," I cooed, almost in tears but I was all cried out.

"We love you, too," they said in sync, standing arm-in-arm as the sun set behind them.

"I wish I had my camera, that'd be a nice picture," I sighed deeply.

Just then, my dad nodded his head, letting me know something was behind me. Err, someone, rather.

"Kaign," I breathed out, grinning.

"I knew you'd miss this, so I packed it for you." He beamed, handing me my trusty Nikon D780.

"You're literally the best, come here," I exclaimed, throwing my arms around his shoulders,"I love you, sorry for being a brat."

"You weren't a brat," he said and paused as I made a face at him like 'yeah, right'.

"Okay," he busted out laughing,"maybe a little bit. Now, go get your man back!"

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