63. "self-loathing"

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Breanna Michelle Santana

      "Oops." I winced as the ring light broke right before me. I tried to catch what I could while the other pieces fell on the carpeted floor. Nonetheless, I laughed it off and finished cleaning out my "studio" while listening to music from Pandora.

"Just me. You still okay, need anything?" Asked Kaign who had been hovering over me all day like a helicopter.

"Yes, dad," I joked dryly,"I'm good, sheesh! Don't you have work to do?"

He laughed and came in my room anyway, picking up a camera off my bed.

"Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?" His lower lip poked out, forming a pout.

I pretended to think before shaking my head.

He slyly snapped a photo of me and I didn't even have to look to know it was out of focus, he was always bad at photography.

"Where's Dylan?"

"Packing," Kaign answered me.

My face curled. "Packing for what?"

Kaign set the Canon 70D down before looking at me and saying,"We're coming with you to Oregon, Brea."

"What, no," I smacked my lips,"Kaign, I'm not a baby. I'm a big girl, I can handle myself. Besides, we all know what happened last time you went to Oregon." I referred to me finding out he was gay.

Rolling his eyes, Kaign explained himself. "We just want to make sure you won't get into any trouble-"

"Stop right there, I know exactly what you're doing. I won't fuck Grayson, if that's what you think."

Kaign sighed. "I just don't want the cycle to continue."

"This has been one of the longest amount of times we've gone without any contact. I barely even thought about him these past few days. Don't worry, I have zero intentions of hooking up with him, just a quick hi and bye, at least."

"Even that's scary. You're the moth to his flame - his very hot flame."

"Ew, don't hit on him!" I cackled, tackling Kaign on my bed.

"But we're still going."

"No!"

"Tickets paid for. Non-refundable, sorry, not sorry."

"Hate you."

"Love you, too." Kaign kissed my shoulder and got off of my bed.

On his way to the door, he turned around and asked me,"any plans for tonight?"

"Just another one of those classes."

"Ah, right, those feminists courses-"

"No," I objected,"it's just a bunch of women uplifting each other, on the road to self-love."

"Mhm. Feminists courses." He repeated to irritate me, and it worked. I threw a pillow at him but he was too fast and shut the door before it could come in contact with his body.

======

This is how the "feminists courses" go, as Kaign called them.

It's the retreat house, rented by this Christian woman named Kimora Jones every Saturday evening. On the walls of the candle-lit room, there's a bunch of inspiring quotes about self-love.
You go in, leave your phone at the door, grab a pair of footies to put on, get a drink, and join the circle. Once in the circle, we share our stories and uplift one another. It's a nice environment to be in because they're all women who've been-there-done-that and don't judge. I was just glad that most of them could relate to my situation or had been in worse predicaments, it made feel a little better about myself.

The women drank wine and act finger foods while talking about their ideal men, sharing their stories of infidelity, and so on. I was the youngest so I never really spoke up to give my two cents but I definitely listened and took mental notes of their advice.

The night was close to an end when Kimora called me out. She noticed I wasn't saying anything and asked what was on my mind.

After pondering my thoughts, I decided to let it all out.

"I'm just wondering why I can't fall for nice guys? What went so wrong in my life to mess me up bad enough to hang on to a toxic relationship. My dad said I'm not broken, but I think I am. I mean why else would I torture myself the way I did for months— years? There was a guy, he wanted to give me the world but I was too hung up on my 'ex' to realize how good he could've been for me. Now I'm going back home and they'll both be there. No, I'm not thinking of going back to my ex - I'm not opposed to it but - I think I want to give him a try. It's just that... what if I can't like him? What if I never get over my ex?"

One lady next to me rubbed my back while the lightskinned woman on the other side of me, held my hand.

For the first time in the twelve classes I've attended, I went on to explain all that I went through, even sharing my own faults.

The women gave mixed reviews but ultimately let me know that I wasn't "broken", that it's okay to still love Grayson, and that I should move on and give Joey a chance.

======

As soon as I got home, I slept uncomfortably as I tossed and turned even though I knew I should've been trying to get some shut eye before our early morning flight.

All I heard was the sounds of Kaign and Dylan having sex so I tried to drain them out by listening to music but the first song to play from my Apple Music playlist was "Two Ghosts" by Harry Styles. That upset me because that was what I declared to be me and Grayson's song. I remembered that night well, it made me sad to think about.

I rolled over on my side and grabbed my phone, starting to scroll through social media. That's when I saw Joey was active online, retweeting political memes mocking our "president".

So, like any self-loathing, lonely girl would, I sent him a text.

When he didn't reply, I took the hint and tousled under the covers until I got into a comfortable position to fall asleep at last.

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