35. Only Then

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Now that it is happening, I realize I never actually thought about kissing Jungkook.

How ironic is that? He's an attractive guy – very attractive guy. A guy who was acting like his life's mission was to be close to me. A guy I fell for somewhere along the way. A guy whose lips I have noticed before. How is it possible that I have never actually thought about kissing them?

And in a way, I'm glad I didn't because holy moly, there's no way I could have imagined this.

They're soft. So, sinfully, illegally soft. As if I am kissing a freshly washed piece of fabric washed with the sweetest and most luxurious fabric softener, but better. Soft, yet if I can focus enough, I can feel the creases on them as they move over mine.

Slow, careful movements, as if he doesn't want to scare me away, as if I am going to break, as if I will have a change of heart and move away. Then, as seconds pass, a bit surer of themselves, feeling no immediate rejection. Then, as my need for air takes over me, even more sinful then before, as his tongue softly brushes against my bottom lip.

This is when I backtrack.

I gasp for air, moving away but not daring to move further than just an inch apart, pushing my forehead onto his.

"You don't get to do that."

"Do what?" he's as breathless as I am.

"That."

"What?"

"Kiss me like that and not expect me to demand from you to kiss my like that every fucking day for the rest of our lives."

"It's a good thing I only have seven days – my lips won't be too tired."

"I hate you."

"I don't think you do."

"Fuck, you're right," I admit.

"If it makes you feel any better, you don't know how long I've been dying to do that," he sighs. "Wait! No! Fuck! I wasn't going to make a joke! It slipped out, I'm-"

This time, it's my turn to shut him up and for the first time in forever, Jungkook follows my lead without complaining along the way.

"Okay,' he pulls away. "I get it now. I get it. You can't kiss me like that."

"I can and I damn well will," I launch myself, but he stops me again.

"JJ, wait," he sighs. "I want to clear the air first. We can't use this as a way to deny the inevitable. We have very little time left and fucking hell, I want to spend every last second I have kissing you. But I need you to know some things first."

"Jungkook, please-"

"Just listen," he squeezes my hand and with a sigh, I get ready to listen to something that will probably end up being heartbreaking for me. How much more can a girl take in a single day? "This isn't... my last hurrah. This isn't me saying goodbye to the cruel world. This isn't me trying to live out my remaining days on a high. You're not the only one that fell. I want you, Jihyun. Not just now. I want you for good but... I'll take what I can get."

"Kook, don't say it like that, please-"

"Seven days. Seven fucking days," he tells me, looking me directly in the eye. "Not enough, not nearly enough, not when we have wasted so much time but JJ, please... please, I beg of you. No more rescue missions. No more fortune tellers, no more trips to the hospital. Please. I don't want to waste my time on that. I only get seven days with you and fuck, it won't be enough, it won't be enough in any shape or form but I need to spend every single second of those seven days with you. Please. Do it for me."

Fuck it. Fuck logic. Fuck destiny. Fuck everything.

The least I can do is follow his wishes. The guy has seven days. If his last wish is me, he can be damn sure he can have me, a red bow tied on top of my head.

I don't hold back. For the first time since forever, I do what I want to do.

And Jungkook lets me.

I kiss him like my life depends on it. I drop all courtesy, not scared to show him just how much I want this, just how much I need this. There is nothing 'hard to get' about the way I kiss him, nothing at all.

Somewhere between me climbing on top of him and making a home for my fingers in his hair, Jungkook takes the lead and his lead is equally as strong as mine – it feels as if he will die if he has to separate himself from me. I only get a sad reminder of what this is when I touch his skin and I feel no heat – he should have been blushed and flushed, overwhelmed like I am but he isn't.

His eyes speak on his behalf, as if they are trying to compensate. I always knew he had the kindest eyes I have ever seen. I just never expected to see them look at me with such affection.

"You're so beautiful," his lips are barely moving as he reaches to touch my face. I hide my face in his hands, embarrassed and touched at the same time. "Why didn't I kiss you before? Why?"

"Don't stop now," I mumble, turning to kiss the palm of his hand. "Use every second. Make sure I never forget this. You're real for me, you always will be. Make sure of that, Jungkook. Please."

I know it'll only make it harder. I know that I will spend days, weeks, maybe even months crying and god knows how many sleepless nights will be spent thinking about him, about everything that we have been through, fueled with anger because I didn't get more. More time, more of him, more of everything.

I am fully aware that I am sabotaging myself again. But I can't think about that. Not now, not when I have a chance to kiss him, touch him, be fully happy, as temporary as it might be.

As slow as his moves are, they are very deliberate. I know where this is heading and I am more than happy to go down that road. Chills creep over me when I feel his fingers brush the skin my shirt reveals, I shudder when his fingers trail up my back, his lips never leaving mine.

It was a mistake. We should have done this a long time ago. And it's a mistake now, because I have no idea how I'll keep myself together after he is gone but... I can't. I just can't. I can't stop and neither can he.

I take advantage of having access to all the places that were unreachable to me before. As much as I was happy with simply holding his hand, I was never aware of just how much I wanted to run my fingers against his arms, his back, his neck. Watch him shudder when I let my hand go under his shirt, accidentally grazing the one place that proves that even though he is a ghost he is still very much a man.

Again, it clicks in my head. I knew where this would lead but I didn't realize just how much I wanted this.

"JJ," his hand stops mine as I was about to unbuckle his jeans. I look up at him to find him staring at me, pupils blown wide, lips parted. I don't know if it's horniness, affection, shock or a mix of it all but I feel as if I could just melt under that stare. "I don't... I don't want you to do something you're not comfortable with. I don't want you to think that this is what I meant when I said-"

"It's what I meant," I interrupt him. "I'm not guided by passion, Jungkook. I'm guided by my heart. I want to be with you in every shape and form."

It's all lost after that. He jumps up to me, gripping onto me as if he's holding onto dear life and I completely let go of everything. Worries, shame, more worries, my mind... I let my heart lead the way.

He touches me with care but also urgency. It's not... it's not as romantic as it could be. The only thing romantic is that I know he's feeling what I am feeling. And he's not acting like a rabid animal but this... this is urgency. As if we need to be with one another just to prove to ourselves that the other one is real.

It doesn't make it any less enjoyable. My body wants him just as much as my mind does.

In all honesty, I've had better experience and I've had worse. It's not... mind-blowingly amazing, world shaking, better than anything else. But it's more meaningful than anything ever before.

It's worth it because of the way he looks at me. It's worth it because of the pleasure written on his face, because of the emotions clouding his eyes, because of the way his breath mixes with mine as he moves with precision, determination and also, passion.

It rocks my world because it's him.

Because when he falls on top of me, shaking, without a single drop of sweet, a single drop inside of me, without a fast heartbeat, I still know it is groundbreaking to him.

I know he'd give me everything if he could, and that means more than any orgasm in the history of the world ever could.

I don't stop kissing him for a very, very long time. I don't stop kissing him until the point of dizziness, needing air more than I need him, even if it's just for one second. Then I stop and move away, watching those eyes of him, glossed and full of affection as he smiles at me.

"Afterlife or not, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me," hishand caresses my face and once again, I turn my head to kiss his palm, unableto say that he is exactly the same to me. 



Whether you want it or not, I'm going to hold onto you

When I get too tired that I can't even walk

When that time comes, when it's that time

Only then we can break up

Only then we can break up

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