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I didn't think I'd call him.

Actually, I didn't think it would get bad enough for me to call him.

The thing is, I am not alone. I could have called Jimin. Knowing him, he'd run to me. I could have called Yoongi. He might whine for a few seconds but if it's a 911, he wouldn't hesitate to come to me. Hell, I could have even called my mom!

I am really not alone, even if I'm physically alone at the moment. The problem is, the three people I'm used to the most were not here. Namjoon hasn't been here in a while and him I'm used to not having around, but combined with the fallout I had with Jungkook and Hobi being a better boyfriend than a friend, I've never felt more alone in my entire fucking life.

I had to call someone.

I couldn't call Jungkook for obvious reasons and I don't want to be a nuisance to Hoseok. So I called the only other person I had, or thought I had at that very moment.

I called Namjoon, only to cry in silence.

And he let me. I look at the phone now, seeing it's been over five minutes since he answered my call. He hasn't said a word or asked a single question from the moment he realized I was actually unable to form a sentence that wasn't broken with random sobs after every two words.

"I'm sorry," I break the silence, my voice sounding as horrible as I thought it might.

"Fuck JJ, you have nothing to apologize for," he sounds kind. Worried and thoughtful. Kind of like he used to sound like before shit hit the fan. "Are you okay now?"

"I don't think I am," I admit reluctantly, sighing when I manage to bang the back of my head on the kitchen counter, seeing as I am very much still sitting on the kitchen floor. "But I also don't think there's anything anyone can do about that so... yeah. I guess I'm not okay but I kind of have to be."

"It's okay not to be okay, you know?" he asks. All I do is mumble. As much as I want to agree with him, my life experience tells me that to the rest of the world, it's absolutely not okay to not be okay. Everyone has so many expectations, justified or not. And when you don't fulfill them, you're fucked. "Did something happen? Is this about... us or something else or what?"

"I guess it's a little bit of everything?" I shrug, not even sure about the answer myself. Sure, he was the drop that made the glass overflow but a lot of shit filled it up quite nicely before. "It feels... I don't know, it just feels like I'm in a bad place right now. It's so.... Dark. Like I'm in a dark room and I'm trying to find a damn door but all I do is just... I keep on feeling up the walls in search of an exit, you know? It leads me nowhere. I'm going nowhere."

"In life, or...?"

"I mean, I guess. It's not looking too optimistic either."

"Is this about your folks?" he asks me.

"They are just a little pile of shit on top of a mountain of it, so yeah, it is about them too but I'm positive they're not the main problem. It's just... everything, you know? Everything came crashing onto me and I didn't know what to do. I just... I panicked and I called you. I'm sorry about that," I add, knowing fully well that no one should be a subject to their ex's mental breakdown.

"I'm glad you did, JJ," he sighs. "I still love you. You're still very important to me. Things went down the wrong way and it's painfully obvious that you and I are not supposed to be together the way we were before but it's not like you're erased from my life permanently. You never were and you never will be. No matter how it ended, you're still my friend. And I want to be here for you."

"I guess you are," I sigh. "And you're the only one, by the way. Congrats. I should make you a cake or something."

"No need for cakes," he chuckles. "And I'm not the only one and you know it. I know Hoseok's got a girl right now, and I know you're closer to him than you are to the rest of the guys but... they're there for you JJ."

Technically, they're not but I can't quite explain that to Joon, seeing as explaining would involve mentioning the fact that I am living with a goddamn ghost. And as supportive as Joon as being right now, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't stomach that in the right way.

"Other shit happened too."

"As in... someone else?"

It is in times like these that I hate the fact that Joon is not only incredibly smart and intuitive, but also knows me like the back of his palm.

"Kinda," I admit. "But not in the way you think!"

"JJ, we're not together anymore. It's perfectly fine if you-"

"No, I'm not seeing anyone. It's not like that!" I jump in before he has the chance to finish his sentence. "I just... I care about him, you know. He's a friend and he's a guy. That's it. But we may have had a fall out and I'm not taking it as well as I should."

"How bad on a scale from 1 to 10?"

"How about 'don't ever talk to me again'? Is that a ten?" I sheepishly ask.

"Yep, that's a ten alright," he sighs. "Look, JJ, if this guy friend of yours knows you even a little bit, he'll know you don't mean 90% of the things you say when you're pissed off. So, if it's you who ended it dramatically, he'll know you don't mean it. And if it's him who was the drama queen, well, you're a person everyone comes back to eventually, in one way or another. So as bad as it is, I wouldn't worry if I were you."

"It's a bit more complicated than that."

"How so?"

"I can't.... explain," I give up again, knowing there's no way in hell Joon would ever get it.

"So you do feel something for the guy?"

"God, Joon, no!"

"The more you deny it, the more likely I am to call bullshit," he chuckles.

"Joon, I love him. But not in that way you. It's just... not like that. It's friendship. Pure and honest friendship. Something I didn't think would ever happen after you guys."

"Then reach out. Bite the bullet. Apologize even if it's not your fault. Take one for the team."

It sounds so simple. So, so simple. But Jungkook doesn't have whatsapp and even if he did, this is not something that goes under the carpet and stays there. We both said a lot of shit. It doesn't even matter if we truly meant it or not – we said it.

"I can handle that," I can imagine him rolling his eyes. "I am glad I got to talk to you, though. It feels nice."

"I know," he agrees. "I was worried we wouldn't reach this point but I'm glad we did."

"We were just a coincidence, weren't we?" I sigh as I mentally stroll down memory lane.

"What do you mean by that?"

"We were just... there," I smile, remembering the good old days when we would get wasted with our friends at a parking lot behind the only store in town that would sell us drinks, even if the clerk knew damn well we weren't legal. "You and I. We weren't an epic love story. To be fair, a love story doesn't need to be epic to be real, and we were real, but don't you think we were just a coincidence?"

"I do," he admits. "Though I wouldn't say a coincidence. I would call it a logical step."

"I think I get it. Like you were there, you were my friend; you were cute, why not?"

"Exactly," he agrees. "And while we did love each other, it never was it, was it?"

"Nope. And I think it's better, you know? It hurt and it wasn't pleasant but at least we found out in time. Not even found out, we knew it ages ago. But we accepted it. We're not for each other and we're just wasting each other's time. But now we know."

"Waste or time or not, I enjoyed our relationship, a solid 97% of the time," he laughs along with me.

"That's oddly specific but I wouldn't expect anything less from you."

"I never disappoint," he laughs along.

"I think I need to go now," I slowly get up, holding onto the kitchen counter. "As thereapeutic as this was, there's only so much you can do. I think I need to be alone for a while and just cry my eyes out."

"That always helps," Joon agrees. "But if it's making you cry, maybe you should try to fix it."

"I don't think he wants it fixed," I think back of the look on Jungkook's face, the look of complete betrayal and yep, I am positive he doesn't want anything fixed. "But I'll deal with it. I always do."

"You're the toughest person I know, JJ," Joon tells me. "I believe in you."

"Thank you," I throw his words away, a bit overwhelmed by the lack of belief in myself. "See you around when I go back home one day."

"See you around."

And as sudden as the phone call started, it was over now.

I lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders and while it wasn't the portion I was hoping to lift, it still helps me stand taller than before.

I may not have a solution and I may not know how to fix things with other but at least Namjoon and I are okay. Definitely not a couple but on our way to being simply friends again and positively okay.

Even with that said and done, it's still dark and I'm trying to feel for a doorknob, trying to get out of the room, trying to find some light on my way. And it all goes back to Jungkook. As much as I am reluctant to admit it, it all goes back to him.

I feel it all again. A mix of guilt and anger, pain and hurt, rage and sadness. All of it because everything is my fault but it is also his fault too.

And I know this is something I need to talk to him about, I know it's not something I can ignore and leave unsaid but I can't fix that.

The saddest thing is, even if he was in front of me right now, even if I had a direct way to say something to him, I wouldn't. Because as much as I would like to clear the air, I am still hurt. And more than anything, I am tired.

I am tired of trying to help someone who doesn't give a shit about my help. I can love him all the way to the moon and back but if he won't accept what I'm trying to do, if he won't understand my point of view, the only thing I can do is crawl into my bed and cry.

Still in that dark room, but slowly giving up on trying to find a way out.



I'm back and I missed you all <3

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