I would highly recommend playing The Smiths – Well I wonder while reading this.

It's up to you, ofc. Enjoy <3 :)

...

When people turn around and walk away from you, you really only have two options.

Which one you pick depends on a lot of things. How much that person means to you, if the situation is actually able to be salvaged, whether or not you are willing to make an effort and actually chase someone down, asking them to stay.

I'm not a chaser. I don't run after people. If they wish to walk away from me, I let them because if they really wanted to be next to me, they wouldn't have left to begin with, right?

But in this case, as I watched Jungkook walk away from me as fast as he could, my instincts kicked in and they kicked in in the complete opposite way. I went after him. I didn't even stop to think about it – I all but ran after him and after only a few feet, I knew it was the right thing to do.

He's a ghost, one that is actually capable of walking through solid material, such as walls. The fact that he did not do that now can only mean one of two things. One, an option I find highly unlikely, is that he actually forgot that he can do that and is marching away because he forgot he's a ghost.

Two, the one I'm kind of hoping for as I rush after him, that he is walking our way on purpose, to give me a chance to catch up with him, whether it is consciously or subconsciously.

The truth is, some people want to be chased after they make their grand exit. I don't know if Jungkook is one of those people but I'm not going to let my pride to stop me from going after him.

So I run. Despite not knowing how long I'll have to do it, despite not knowing where he's going, despite not wearing shoes meant for running. I run because Jungkook is someone you run after.

Finally catching up to him and afraid of losing him to a traffic light, I run through a crowd of people. "Kook, wait!" I yell and I can tell it startles him because even though he doesn't turn around, he speeds up and I ignore the grunts and complains around me, as I push people out of my way.

"Jungkook, please wait!" I yell from the top of my lungs, keeping my eye on the back of his head, not wanting to lose him in the sea of people. He just walks right through them, while I have to navigate and struggle and take a few insults on my way. I did not even realize it had started to rain until I had to do my best to avoid umbrellas seeing as I wanted to keep both of my eyes intact.

Rain did me a favor – people were rushing to get away from it, each step becoming easier than the one before. Even though Jungkook did not slow down once, as the rain became faster, so did I.

"WAIT!" I yell out again, reaching for him and this time, I actually manage to grab him by the sleeve. He shakes my hand away at once, hitting me on the arm in the process.

"Leave me alone!"

"No, I won't!" I follow him as he starts walking again, now able to keep up with him. "You didn't even give me a chance to explain!"

"Explain what?" he laughs. "The fact that you're a lying bitch? I could see that by myself!"

With great difficulty, I push his insult past me and focus on what's really important. "No, it's not that and you know it. I wouldn't have lied if I didn't have to!"

"Oh really?" he laughs again, the kind of maniacal laugh that would scare the bravest. He stops and the look he gives me speaks more than his words ever could. He is full of anger and pure, untouched hatred. "So you didn't lie when we talked for a whole hour last night about how you're going to attend your last classes today? I imagined you talking in the park with two of my friends, huh?!"

"No, you didn't! And I didn't lie, I am done and everything we talked about was true – I just told you that I will be doing it today because I didn't want you to follow me when I met up with them because THIS would happen!" I yell, feeling as if my self-control is seconds away from completely slipping out of my fingers. "I didn't think you would fucking follow me!"

"I didn't follow you, but I heard Hoseok talking to you and I realized you lied!" he yells. Damn it, I should have kept my mouth fucking shut, for once in my damn life. "I thought, No, no way, she'd never lie to me because she's my friend and that's not what friends do, is it?! But look what I found!"

"Yes, that is what friends do and they also try to help each other out!"

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE HELPING ME BY LYING TO ME!?"

"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW BUT I AM TRYING, I AM TRYING! I DON'T KNOW IF ANYTHING CAN WORK OR NOT OR IF IT IS A WASTE OF TIME BUT I HAVE TO FUCKING TRY!"

"No, you need to leave before someone calls the cops on you because you're screaming at nothing."

It's only now that I realize that even though the streets are significantly emptier because of the rain, some people are still around. And some people are eyeing me sideways as they rush, hidden under their umbrellas, glancing at the crazy girl that is having a fight with... nothing.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT?!" I yell from the top of my lungs, startling Jungkook and one poor woman who literally starts running to cross the street. "I don't care, Kook. I don't give a shit, not if screaming at you in the middle of the street is actually going to make you stop and listen."

"Listen to what?!"

"To why I went behind your back!" I know it's too late the second my tears become one with the rain that falls down my face, knowing he doesn't see it and yes, knowing he doesn't give a shit.

"You mean, you trying to explain how you could be so selfish?"

"Did you ever stop to think that you're the one that's being fucking selfish?!" I can't hold back a sob and this time, I know he knows. Just as I know he doesn't care. "You still don't see it. All the time, you keep talking about what you want and what you don't. You don't wanna live, you don't want to try, you don't want this, you don't what that. THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE FOR A FUCKING CHANGE!"

"Who, you?!" even though he yells, I can tell that the anger inside of him is simmering for the time being.

"Despite what you might think, I'm not that selfish," an ironic laughter turned into a sob and I nearly choke on the breathe I take in. "It's not about me and it's not about you. It's about your parents. It's about Jin. It's about Taehyung, who still goes to visit you every other day. It's about a whole bunch of us that care for you. People that care for you and people who don't want to lose you, people who haven't accepted for a whole year that the thought of you being gone is a legitimate possibility. Think about them for a second before deciding that you don't want to try, that you don't want to live!"

It's different now and it's palpable. It started with him being angry at me, him being disappointed or whatever he was and now, it's quite the opposite. My anger is out, my disappointment and just... overall sadness at the finality of the entire situation. It's hopeless and I still try.

"How the hell would you know?" he asks.

It's like a dagger to my heart, that's what it is.

"Because I am one of them, you bastard. Because I met Taehyung when I went to see you at a hospital. Because I learned from Jin that you were not dead to begin with! Because I've talked to them and saw firsthand how much they missed you and just how much you didn't give a shit. I'm one of the people that don't want you out of their lives and yet all I see is you not caring about it, at all."

"You went back to the hospital?"

"Of course I went back to the hospital," I let out a dark laugh. "You know, I'm talking to... to you, to your spirit, a form of you, your soul if you will. I have been, for a while now. And you know what? That half-dead body has more soul and heart than you do."

"JJ, wait," he reaches for my hand but this time around, I'm the one that pulls away.

"Don't! Don't you touch me," I warn him, no longer bothering to hind any emotions that are whirling inside of me, anger and hurt leading the way. "Don't touch me, don't follow me, don't talk to me, don't come back to the apartment. I don't want to see you again. You don't wanna live? Then don't. But if that's your call, every single form of you is dead for me, heart beating or not."

First I run. When I am sure he's not making an effort to catch up with me, I slow down. I slow down as I walk towards the apartment, no longer bothering to hide the ferocity of the sobs that course through me.

It's everything, everything that I've piled up for weeks, months even. Some of it having nothing to do with Kook whatsoever. Every little thing that kept pestering me, it all fell out, as if our fight broke the dam that kept it all inside and safe, locked and never to be bothered with.

Now it's all around me, as I drown in my own misery, my own inability to stand up for myself and be whoever I actually am, whether it's a hurt ex, a daughter that doesn't fit her parent's expectations, a girl who cares about someone who doesn't give a shit about her.

Because that is what I am, that is exactly what I am and the only coherent thought I have is that I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone before I absolutely lose my mind.

"Hobi?" I choke as I stumble through the apartment door, leaving a trail of dripping rain behind me as I walk around, looking for him. "Hobi? I need to talk to you," I sob, knowing that he would have made an appearance if he was actually hear. I check the kitchen, just to be sure even though I know, I know and the post-it on the fridge only confirms it.

Went to see Hyeri! Will be back soon! Put the pizza in the fridge for me!

I don't know for how long I sat on the kitchen floor, crying and thinking how I have no one. I have no idea if it's been minutes or hours but I know that when I finally reach for my phone, I am one step away from being too late. I reach for it just in time.

"Hello? JJ?" Namjoon sounds surprised and why wouldn't he, huh? It's not like I kept in touch with him. It's not like there's a reason for me to call him, is there? "What's going on? JJ, are you okay?" I can hear the panic in his voice once he realizes I'm crying.

"I'm not okay," I mumble out, before giving into another sob attack. "Joon, I am not okay at all."

...

Yeah... I don't have much to say after this one.

I told you it was going to be emo af. If it makes you feel any better, I actually bawled my eyes out while writing this.