Ice coffee in hand, head down and leg jumping up and down, I sit and wait.

My nervous ticks have kicked in. Now, I only must deal with the leg but there is no doubt in my mind that within minutes, I will be twisting and turning the two rings I always wear on my left hand and possibly even dirtying my hair by running my fingers through it, over and over again, pushing it back because damn it, I will explode if I don't do something with my hands.

The worst thing about it is, I don't even know if I should feel guilty or not. It's not like I am cheating or committing a crime, a fraud. Yes, a little white lie was included but it's just that – a little white lie.

And yet I feel as if I have a noose around my neck, with a leg behind me ready to kick the stool on which I stand.

The annoying ringing melody of my phone startles me and I need to pause for a deep breath and an eye roll before I answer Hobi's call, not wanting to blame him for something he shouldn't be blamed for.

"What's up?" I answer. "Do I need to buy something on my way back?"

"How did you know?" Hobi asks after a long pause.

"Well, I've only be your best friend for about... 16 years, give or take."

"Okay, point taken," he chuckles. "Could you perhaps bring us a pizza? Extra cheese? It'd save us the delivery money," he adds, as if I could ever say no after the word 'pizza'.

"No problem, but I'm not sure when I'm gonna be back."

"You're not at school?"

"Nope, I'm... shopping," I lie, realizing that telling the truth, meeting acquaintances, would probably raise a few questions seeing as Hoseok knows every single person I have ever met, save from the two people I'm meeting up with.

"Can you check out coat hangers?" he randomly suggests.

"Sure," I agree, knowing damn well that I am not going to make a detour to look for coat hangers we absolutely don't need. Having a girlfriend really has changed him, seeing as he obviously knows that coat hangers exist, despite his go-to move being throwing his jacket on the living room sofa. "I don't know what-" I start, only to notice someone waving a few feet away from me. I recognize Taehyung and it takes me a second more to recognize Jin as well.

"Hobi, gotta go, 30% off on ramen cookers. Bye," I end the call as fast as I can, getting up from the bench I warmed up nicely and going into their direction. "Hey guys," I force a smile once I'm close enough for them to hear me. "Thanks for meeting up with me."

"No problem," Jin smiles as he shakes his head. "I was surprised when Tae told me you knew Jungkook. It's such a small world, isn't it?"

"Oh yeah," I force an obviously awkward laugh. "I didn't even know about his... current situation, not until you left and I put two and two together."

"If life wasn't a bitch, maybe the four of us would have been the best of friends," Taehyung comments, strangely... annoyed. I can't even control my reactions and when Jin and I make eye contact, he definitely picks up on it.

"Um, Tae... what's wrong?" he asks him.

"No, it's all good," he shakes his head. "Are we gonna stand here or get coffee or what?"

...

I tend to be okay in awkward situations, okay with strangers. I'm far from comfortable but it's not like I'm going to sit in silence and shuffle around awkwardly, wondering who's going to speak up first because I am dying on the inside.

Now it's different. And to make it even worse, Taehyung and Jin are not technically strangers.

And I can't even blame it on their ridiculous good looks, seeing as neither one of them quite fits my type. Being friends with good looking guys since before they were as good looking as they are now made me immune to lots of things, including Angelina Jolie style lips, curtsey of Jimin.

Jin can look as kissable as he wants to, I've seen it all before.

And yet, I'm fidgeting in my seat, tongue tied, focusing on the straw and my coffee as if it's my source of life, waiting for one of them to speak up because I absolutely will not.

"So," Jin is the one that breaks the silence, between shy me and slightly stand off-ish Taehyung. "Taehyung mentioned you wanted to meet with us because of something? Jungkook?"

"Yes," I confirm and realize that no, I did not come up with a good excuse as to what I want from them and why I want it. I had days to plan and I have absolutely nothing.

"What can we help you with?" he asks, offering me a kind smile.

"Okay," I give myself a mental pat on the back. "So, this is probably going to sound a bit... weird, but I mean-," I stop, realizing that I literally don't know how to continue. "There are some questions, quite stupid and ridiculous, but they're questions, you know. I'd want to know what made Jungkook happy."

Will the ground open up and swallow me whole?

Pretty please?

With cherry, crushed oreos and chocolate sprinkles on top? Perhaps even the popping candy too?

"Huh?" Jin frowns.

"I want to know what made him happy," I say, realizing there's absolutely no way to get myself out of this one, so I might as well just get straight to the point. "What did he do that made him happy? Is there like a song that has a special meaning to him? Did he have some hobbies he'd do for hours? What are the things that he could do for hours that made him smile goofily?"

"Okay, JJ, don't get me wrong," Taehyung speaks up. "You seem like a cool girl. Nice and all that, and you obviously care for Jungkook but... why? Why bother?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why do you bother?" Taehyung repeats. "He is as good as dead. He gave no signs of life for more than one year now, his family is probably... months away from unplugging the machines, if not earlier. There is no hope for him. I know it sucks," he adds, probably because I couldn't hide my reaction again. "Trust me, I know. Jungkook is my best friend. Alive, in the hospital, dead – he's my best friend for good. I would move heaven and hell for him but there is nothing anyone can do at this point. So why do you bother?" he asks.

My tongue is tied again and I open and close my mouth over and over again as I try to find a start, the first word to what I'm actually trying to say.

"Taehyung, come on," Jin sighs. "It's hard for everyone but give the girl a break. She obviously cares for him, you said it yourself. Why wouldn't she ask?"

"Why would she?"

"You want to know why?" I speak up, feeling as he had finally pushed me over the line I was adamant not to cross. I am pissed and he can see it. "Do you want to know why I ask, why I care, why I bother? Because I regret not having a chance to do it while I could. That's why. He was just... there. And I did not even stop to think what it would be like if he wasn't. But now I have and I don't fucking like it," I pause to take a breath and thank god I did.

He is a ghost and I did not know him before, which isn't the version Taehyung and Jin know.

"He was my friend and there is so much that I never learned and finding out what had happened, not only did I realize that I want to find out more, but also that I will never have a chance to. So yeah, the only chance for me to find out something, because other than Overwatch, extra spicy ramen, Angelina Jolie and computers, I don't know much more and my only chance of ever finding it out is from you two. So either you help me or you don't but this is something that actually matters to me."

I knew this little speech of mine is going to deserve a few seconds of silence so I wait. I wait and I glare.

I don't even want to imagine what it feels like to lose a best friend. Not having Hobi by my side would be like losing a limb, a vital organ, something you legitimately cannot imagine your life without. With that in mind, I mentally forgive Taehyung because this definitely isn't easy for him, but at no point did I deserve his behavior.

Which is why I glare at him while I wait for him to realize that he's wrong and I'm right.

"Taehyung, she knows him," Jin sighs, subtly siding with me. "She knows him and she cares for him. She just wants to know more. What's she going to do, blackmail him about his stupid teenage mistakes through a coma?"

"Okay," Taehyung sighs, giving in. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, looking in my direction.

"It's okay," I tell him. "Just... there's no reason to question my motives. What the hell am I gonna do?"

"True," he nods his head. "So, what do you want to know?"

"I told you," I shrug as I reach for my bag to grab a pen and my trusty little notebook. "I want to know what made Jungkook truly, genuinely happy."

"You know, you could have just asked me."

It's as if I could actually feel my heart dropping inside my body and my blood freezing the second I heard his voice. I could recognize it anywhere, at any hour, but the sane part of me wanted to check and sure enough, as I turn around, I'm met with a glare that froze my already frozen blood.

"I can't believe you," he utters in disappointment. I open my mouth to explain, to defend myself, only to remember I am not alone and that I literally can't speak.

"JJ?" Jin calls me.

"You're a fucking liar, that's what you are," Jungkook spits out and turns around at once.

"Guys, I'm so sorry but I have to go!" I jump from the bench, tripping in the process as my leg caught onto it. I barely manage not to fall and by the time I am stable again, Jungkook is marching away as fast as he possibly can. I can't run before I explain. Jin and Taehyung are looking at me like I'm fucking insane. "I'm so sorry guys, I just remembered that I have to go, my dog is sick and my roommate isn't home and I have to go. I'll call you!"

I don't wait for a response before I start running in Jungkook's direction, even though he's already too far from me to get to him before he... I don't know, decides never to return to the apartment?

I royally fucked up, that's what I did.

...

Wowza, it's been ages, hasn't it.

Life's been a bit tough but I finally found some time. As I said, I'll write more as soon as the boys are done with the European tour. 17 days to go, Jesus Christ.

VIP pit. Soundcheck. Imma die.

Who's gonna write then, I'm not sure

I'll try to bring in a life support, I wanna stay alive for you guys.

I will write more in October, PROMISE <3

In other news, the next chapter, maybe the one after it too, will be a WHOLE LOAD OF DRAMA WITH A BIGASS SCOOP OF FEELS so get your tissues ready.

I'll do my best to update once more before I leave for Germany <3

I LOVE YOU ALL <3