Dedicated to bellrei_2012, you'll see why...

Also - sorry.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Daniel's mother seems to be refusing to leave. He's not sure what it is about today, usually his mother is off to work without much fuss but today she seems to linger, almost as if she knows what Daniel has planned.

"I'm going to be fine."

"Why don't you invite Jonah round? You've been round to his so much these past few weeks."

Daniel decides not to mention that that was exactly what he had planned.

"Okay."

His mother fixes him with another stare before ducking out of his bedroom door, and finally setting off on her way.

To: Jonah 'Sexy' Clarke

Come round?

From: Jonah 'Sexy' Clarke

Give me twenty

There's nothing much for Daniel to do as he waits for Jonah to arrive. He straightens his room slightly, tries to make sure that it's not a complete mess and ensures that he looks somewhat presentable.

A knock on the door signals Jonah's arrival and Daniel tries to tame the smile on his face before he pulls open the door.

"Hey," Daniel's voice comes out shyer than expected.

He desperately tries to remind himself to say calm, to be confident. That seems to be the key to today being a success after all. Today is the day Daniel is going to get everything out in the open, is finally going to voice his greatest secret and his greatest fear aloud.

"Hey," Jonah replies.

The other boy is worryingly awake for nine o'clock on a Sunday morning but Daniel decides to roll with it, it was him that decided to invite him round at this time after all. That does not mean that Daniel isn't half asleep, in fact Daniel finds himself constantly having to rub sleep out of his eyes and stifle a yawn in a desperate bid to remain at least semi-conscious.

Jonah steps inside the house without asking, Daniel takes a small step backwards, his back pressed lightly against the wall as Jonah leans in to place a chaste kiss against his lips.

There are so many things that Daniel wishes Jonah could say when he pulls away. I missed you. I want you. I need you.

"Long time no see," Jonah says instead.

"You saw me yesterday."

"I was joking."

There seems to be unwanted tension in the air and Daniel can only attribute it to what today really means. Today is the day, Daniel thinks to himself, today is the day where Jonah Clarke will finally decide what he wants, else Daniel is going to decide for him.

The words seem to already have clogged up Daniel's throat, waiting until he builds up the courage to spit them out and so Daniel is silent as he walks down the corridor and leads Jonah into the kitchen behind him.

"Drink?"

"I'm good thanks."

Daniel can feel the awkwardness coating him. He's just not sure what to say, how to act. Usually being with Jonah comes naturally to him, he doesn't have to consider what to do, but now Daniel seems to be over thinking the entire situation and it only seems to be making things worse.

All because of three stupid words.

Daniel can hear them in the rhythm of his footsteps, in the ticking of the clock on the wall. The three words are repeated over and over as Jonah taps his fingers on the countertop and Daniel can hear them rushing so loud in his ears that he's surprised to find he's not shouting them out.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The words are wrapped around his consciousness. They thread through every thought and linger in every memory. It's not a sudden realisation or a drawn out discovery. It's nothing but a fact, and Daniel has no idea where it has originated from. It could have been before they even became friends, back when the idea of them two of them was nothing more than an impossible dream to help Daniel get through the school day. It could have been when Jonah first kissed him, it could have been that coffee shop on the first day of friendship or the first moment Jonah made it clear that no matter what, they were friends. It could be any number of moments, all blurring into a stream until only one thing is clear.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

And now all that's left for Daniel to do is to tell Jonah.

Daniel is almost convinced that the words are written on his forehead, Jonah is looking at him with so much concern that is seems almost impossible that Jonah can't know, that he must have figured it out somehow.

"You okay?"

The words are casual, normal, but that doesn't mean that they don't set Daniel's pulse racing.

"Fine," Daniel's speech is too quick, it's obvious that he's lying.

"Really?" Jonah says. "Because you seem very on edge."

Daniel only just notices that Jonah has moved closer, so close that Jonah's body is pressing Daniel into the counter. Daniel has a about a centimetre on Jonah but at that moment in time he feels dwarfed, feels smaller than he ever has before.

Jonah peppers kisses against Daniel's skin. His neck, his forehead, his cheek. And with every kiss, Daniel hears the words pump through his veins once again.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Daniel wants to shout it from the rooftops and whisper it into the dark. He wants to tell the world but at the same time he wants to keep it a secret, keep it as something that only he and Jonah share. Yet another thing to connect the pair, another secret between them, another reason for Daniel to hope that Jonah will stay.

"I'm good," Daniel murmurs, and the words aren't entirely false.

"I'm pleased."

Daniel takes a deep breath, knows that if he doesn't do it now then he never will.

"I need to tell you something."

xxx

Jonah can tell that Daniel is nervous. The other boy is wringing his hands repeatedly and his eyes remain focused on nothing, flickering across the room so quickly that Jonah refuses to believe they're taking anything in.

It scares Jonah, seeing Daniel like this, seeing him so on edge. Because it reminds Jonah of the boy that Daniel used to be, the boy who used to be afraid of voicing his thoughts aloud. And if Daniel is reverting back to being this boy then Jonah must have done something wrong.

"You sure you're okay."

"Great."

The words sound false to Jonah's ears but he doesn't say that. Instead he slips his hand into Daniel's and squeezes tight, as if he can push the words out of him, as if that will make everything better.

The pair are sat on the armchairs in Daniel's living room, the radio playing quietly in the background. Despite Daniel's insistence that they need to talk they've been sat in silence for the past few moments, Jonah waiting patiently for Daniel to speak. Jonah knows that it's important for him not to rush Daniel, for Jonah to not push Daniel too far.

"I need to tell you something."

Jonah can feel his heart race faster, can't picture any perfect solutions to this conversation. All he can imagine is everything falling apart. Daniel doesn't want to do this anymore, Daniel doesn't care anymore, the Daniel that Jonah knows has never been real.

Daniel makes no move to say anything more and Jonah begins to find the silence unbearable, and so he does the only thing that he knows will make the moment seem calmer.

He presses his lips to Daniel's.

The kiss is deceptive. It promises so much, but takes more than it leaves behind. It promises a future, a lifeline, something deeper than just friends who fool around. But with each passing second Jonah can feel the weight in his stomach grow heavier, can feel the anticipation grow. Whatever happens, surely it can't end well.

Daniel's the one to pull away, and it takes Jonah a few moments to realise that he's still leaning forwards. That the moments over, long gone, that Daniel seems to finally be ready to voice whatever's on his mind aloud.

Jonah really starts to panic when Daniel pulls his hand away.

And then Daniel's wringing his hands again, is running his fingers through his hair, is jiggling his knee up and down, anything to avoid remaining still. Jonah is tempted to ask him to stop but Daniel seems to be finding the movement therapeutic and Jonah would do anything to make this moment easier for him.

It's okay. Jonah feels like saying. Whatever it is it's all going to be okay.

There are so many possibilities flooding through his brain that Jonah is almost afraid that he's going to get washed away. What if something's happened with Marcus? What if something's happened to Isaac? What if Daniel has figured out why Elle left, and has decided she had the right idea too?

The what ifs are almost more painful than the right now. Almost. Because right now Daniel is staring at Jonah with an almost apologetic expression on his face and Jonah doesn't know why but he almost feels like he's on the verge of tears. And this is why Jonah never wanted things to get this far, he never wanted to be this involved, and now he's not sure entirely how to pull back without causing everything around him to start falling down.

Every little part of Jonah's life seems to perched perilously on his and Daniel's friendship, and Jonah isn't entirely certain that it's not about to have the rug pulled out from underneath it.

Jonah can tell it's coming when Daniel inhales sharply.

"I have something to tell you," Daniel repeats.

"Go on then."

It's a simple urge but it seems to convince Daniel that it's time, that this is it. The other boy opens and closes his mouth, reaches for Jonah's hand before pulling away at the last moment. Indecision is clear across his face and for a few seconds, Jonah thinks that he may never find out exactly what it is that Daniel wants to say.

"I love you."

Daniel closes his eyes as he says the words, as if he's afraid to watch Jonah's reaction. And then when it's over, he slowly opens one eye, slowly, as if that way he can pretend he's never seen it.

The words rush around in Jonah's mind like boats caught in a rapid. He struggles to hold onto them, to make sense of them. He knows what each individual word means, but right now his brain just can't seem to make them work together. How does that possibly work? How can that possibly be?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The words are clear in the blood rushing through Jonah's head. They're clear in the thumping of his heart and somehow they're clear through the fogginess of his brain. Daniel loves him, and Jonah has no idea how to react to that.

It's the hesitation that costs him.

Jonah watches as disappointment flickers across Daniel's face and he wishes, for the briefest of moments, that he'd said the words back. Even if he's not entirely sure how true they are.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

When Daniel opens his mouth, Jonah almost expects the words to come tumbling out all over again.

But they don't. And instead Jonah is left to deal with the disappointed tone of Daniel's voice, is left to deal with the hurt expression on Daniel's face.

"Jonah?"

It's his name, pitched just like a question, that destroys him, that makes Jonah hate himself just a little bit.

"I – I – I," Jonah fumbles for the right words to say but his entire vocabulary seems to have disappeared.

"It's okay," Daniel replies simply, "I get it."

xxx

Daniel does get it. He honestly does.

He gets the Jonah is scared, and unsure, and completely and utterly entitled to feel that way. Daniel just wishes that it wasn't about this, that maybe Jonah had put a bit more thought into his feelings before the pair of them started this thing, maybe that way Daniel's feelings wouldn't be feeling as completely butchered as they do right now.

Daniel feels like he's being stabbed with another miniature knife every time Jonah takes a breath. Because that means yet another moment has passed since Daniel's revelation and that means it's yet another moment since Jonah made it quite clear that Daniel's feelings are by no means reciprocated.

That doesn't mean that Daniel doesn't still hold onto the faint glimmer of hope that Jonah still might say the words.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The lost expression on Jonah's face almost makes Daniel want to lean in and kiss him until Jonah manages to find himself again. Daniel wants to hold Jonah's hand and promise him that everything is going to be okay.

But he can't promise that, because Daniel isn't sure that it will be.

"I don't know what to say," Jonah manages eventually.

His tone is weak and that terrifies Daniel. Because Daniel has never heard Jonah sound timid before, Jonah is always confident, always knows exactly what to say but right now it seems everything has changed. Jonah is not the boy that Daniel thought he knew, but he's somehow still the boy that Daniel is in love with.

"I think it's simple," Daniel replies, trying desperately to keep the harshness out of his tone, "do you feel the same?"

Daniel tries not to sound mean, tries not to sound bitter because he knows that none of this is Jonah's fault. Daniel has spent his whole life trying to remind people that you can't control who you fall in love with. And if Jonah can't fall in love with him, if he can't fall in love in the same way Daniel so clearly can, then that's not his fault. It's just a fact of life. Just another proven theory for Daniel to remind himself of over and over again.

Jonah doesn't love Daniel. And it's as true as much as it's opposite. Daniel loves Jonah. Jonah simply doesn't feel the same.

And somehow, Daniel thinks it still might work out okay.

"I don't know."

It's those three words that kill Daniel more than he ever thought they would.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe if Daniel wishes hard enough, then the three words he doesn't want to hear can transfigure themselves into the three he does. Maybe, maybe, if Daniel wishes hard enough then Jonah will stop looking at him with such sad eyes, maybe everything might just turn out okay.

Daniel knows what he has to do. He doesn't want to, but he has to. He can't carry on like this for much longer.

"I can't do this then."

And then it's out there in the open. It appears today is a day for revelations. And this one is potentially the most important.

"What do you mean?"

For a few moments Daniel is unsure how to put his thoughts into words. Unsure how to explain to Jonah that he loves him far too much to carry on like this. Unsure of how to explain to Jonah that pretending everything will work out if they carry on this way only serves to make Daniel hurt more.

"I can't pretend that everything is going to work out okay between us," Daniel begins, "I can't pretend that this relationship is healthy. I hate knowing that I like you more than you like me. I hate knowing that I'm giving more than I'll ever receive. And I hate knowing that with every kiss you're falling further and further out of my grip."

Jonah's silent and Daniel hates it. Hates it with every fibre of his being. Daniel was almost hoping that Jonah would put up a fight. Daniel knows right there and then that he's rather be dealing with an arguing Jonah than a silent one.

At least the shouting would show that he cares.

Instead Jonah plays with a loose thread on a cushion, tugging, tugging until it begins to unravel. He says nothing and Daniel resists the urge to shake the words out of him, resists the urge to beg him to say something, anything, just to show that he cares. Instead Daniel digs his nails into his palms and hopes desperately that Jonah is simply collecting his thoughts.

"What do you mean by 'this'?" Jonah pauses briefly to look up before continuing. "Do you mean you can't do us?"

"Define 'us'."

Daniel takes a small chance to revel in the fact that Jonah looks stumped when Daniel says that. Daniel is unsurprised; it's a difficult question to answer.

"Do you mean we can't be friends anymore?"

"I still want to be your friend Jonah Clarke."

And it's true, Daniel can no longer imagine a life without Jonah in it. One where he walks into school in the morning not be greeted by Jonah's face, one where if he wakes up at three in the morning with a need to talk something through then he won't have anyone to call. Daniel needs Jonah, and he's hoping that no matter what Jonah still needs him too.

"Then why do things have to change?"

"Because it's not fair."

Daniel knows he sounds like a petulant child but he can't help it. How can Jonah not see?

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Daniel says, his voice dropping to a whisper. "But I can't do this. I can't kiss you and pretend it means nothing, I can't be your fuck buddy and pretend nothing ever happened when we're with others, not if I'm your friend. And I always want to be your friend, always."

xxx

Jonah can feel his thoughts slip away from him as quickly as they arrive. Can feel the hopelessness building up within him piece by piece, just waiting for the damn wall to break. He's confused and certain, desperate and decisive, all at the same time.

Jonah only wishes that he didn't have to keep looking up at Daniel, didn't have to keep regretting everything every time he locks gazes with the other boy.

"I'm sorry," Jonah murmurs again, right now it seems to be the only thing he's capable of voicing, "I'm really sorry."

"Don't be, I'm used to rejection remember," Daniel keeps his tone light, teasing and Jonah only wishes things could be that simple.

Instead Jonah feels his heart sink a little bit further.

"I've messed everything up."

"Not everything."

"What haven't I ruined?"

"We're still friends," Daniel tells Jonah, his tone insistent.

Friends. Jonah latches onto that word like it's the last lifeboat left during a shipwreck. He can feel himself being pulled under but maybe if he holds onto that then everything might just turn out okay.

But can it really be?

Maybe if things were simpler then Jonah could convince himself that everything will work out fine, but how can it. How can everything be fine when he knows how Daniel feels? When he knows what's occurred between them? When every time he looks at Daniel all he can think about is their lips pressed together, skin closer than anyone ever anticipated?

But Jonah knows that Daniel is right, knows that this relationship isn't healthy, or fair, or right. Knows that it's so wrong for Jonah to want it to continue, but unable to stop himself from wanting it to do so none the less.

Jonah doesn't tell Daniel that he wants that though, because it's not right, it's not good.

How can Jonah possibly tell Daniel that he wants the kisses to continue when he can't even tell Daniel how he feels? How would that be fair?

And so instead Jonah settles for the promise of friends, because right now that seems to be the only thing he's utterly sure of. Jonah wants to be Daniel Evans' friend, no matter what. He tells himself that over and over again, friends, no matter what. Jonah refuses to let this get in between them. Refuses to focus on what Daniel has said today for too long because Jonah knows that if he does he's going to find