Jonah Clarke Is Comforting

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Dedicated to renzhe for the fanart above :)

One chapter left guys, it will be posted next Wednesday and I realised this week that coincidentally it's my birthday when the last chapter is posted (the 20th)! I guess I'm giving myself my own birthday present


Daniel blushes when he sees Jonah at school on Monday.

It's a subtle reaction, one that luckily neither Jonah nor Isaac seems to spot and so Daniel carries on with his day. Trying to pretend that he is totally unaffected by Friday night.

Jonah doesn't act like it never happened though, which surprises Daniel to say the least. Instead the other boy jokes about Daniel snoring in his sleep, admittedly he doesn't mention that they slept together – in the most literal sense of course – but he does mention staying over. Jonah mentioning it is a relief, it convinces Daniel that Friday night wasn't something he concocted in his dreams, that it was very much real.

"Yeah well at least I don't talk in my sleep," Daniel says when he grows tired of Jonah mocking his sleeping habits.

It seems about time the tables turned.

"I don't talk in my sleep," Jonah insists, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"You totally do."

"Oh yeah, then what did I say?"

"Something totally unrepeatable," Daniel tells Jonah.

"You're only saying that because I don't really talk in my sleep and you can't think of anything that I might have said."

Daniel raises an eyebrow challengingly.

"You sure you want everyone to know what you think about in your sleep?"

"Go for it," Jonah's tone is defiant.

A small smile plays at the edges of Daniel's lips as he leans in closer and his voice drops to just above a whisper.

"You told me that you'd swear off girls if it meant Josh Dun would marry you."

"Well I stand by that. I mean have you seen his face? Every boy has a male celebrity crush, I mean I bet you have a female one."

"It wouldn't have been so bad," Daniel continues ignoring Jonah's comment, "if you hadn't then gone on to tell me about how he is 'totally lickable'.

"I didn't."

"Oh but you did."

Isaac can't contain his laughter and quickly lets out a chuckle, Daniel tries to hold himself back but he too is soon joining in. Leaving Jonah to look thoroughly unimpressed with it all.

"I hate you guys."

"No you don't," Isaac says, "you love us."

Daniel almost expects Jonah to hurry out a reply saying that no, he most definitely does not. But instead Jonah holds his tongue, instead choosing to focus his gaze on the desk and say nothing.

"Speaking of friendship," Isaac says, "when am I going to get to meet your sister?"

"Why would us being friends mean you get to meet my sister?" Jonah asks. "Screw that, why do you even care so much about meeting my sister?"

"She sounds hot."

"She sounds hot?"

"Yeah. I mean she bakes, she puts up with your shit, she sounds amazing."

"No," Jonah replies simply, "there is no way in hell you're going to meet my sister if the only reason you want to meet her is cause you think she's going to be hot."

"Hey Dan," Isaac says, "is Ruth hot?"

Daniel shrugs nonchalantly.

"Asking the wrong person here," Daniel says.

"Fine," Isaac sighs, "but Jonah does that mean I'm not allowed round to your house in case I accidentally bump into her."

"Okay," Jonah revises his earlier statement, "you can meet Ruth but you're not allowed to hit on her. Scratch that, you're not allowed to hit on any of my family members, same goes for you Daniel."

"Does not hitting on any of your family members include not hitting on you," Isaac mutters under his breath, just loud enough that Daniel can hear, "cause Dan's gonna find that hard."

"What was that?" Jonah asks, sounding confused.

"Not on even your mum?" Isaac asks jokingly, quickly diverting Jonah's attention away from what he just said.

"Especially not my mum."

Daniel is amused by the appalled expression on Jonah's face at the mere thought of Isaac hitting on his mum.

"It's not like she'd go for you anyway," Jonah continues, "she's more than twice your age."

"I like a mature woman."

"I swear to god Isaac. I don't care if you're a fucking black belt, if you keep on going on about flirting with my mum I am not afraid to hit you."

"You sure you're not afraid?" Isaac asks.

"Of course I'm afraid, you're a fucking black belt, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

Daniel sits and watches their exchange with a bemused smile.

"Daniel," Jonah whines, "please tell Isaac to stop talking about my mum in a sexual manner."

"Isaac stop being weird," Daniel simply says, "Jonah stop being easily annoyed."

"Because this situation is totally my fault," Jonah says sounding offended.

"Did nobody ever teach you that reacting to mean comments only gives the commenter the motivation to insult you again? You acting annoyed makes Isaac want to annoy you more."

Jonah simply pouts in response, sticking out his bottom lip and frowning at Isaac.

"Don't worry mate," Isaac says, "I won't hit on your mum, at the moment there's only one girl I'm interested in."

"Ooh, Isaac likes Via," Jonah sings teasingly, a small smirk playing at the edge of his lips, evidently thrilled that Isaac is no longer talking about his mum.

"Isaac is interested in Via," Isaac corrects.

"Please don't talk about yourself in the third person," Daniel begs.

"So how come you're suddenly admitting to being interested?"

"I never said I wasn't interested."

"Fine," Jonah says, "what makes you interested. Personally I wouldn't have picked Via as your type?"

"Are you kidding me? Via is awesome. She apparently knows the Lord of the Rings script off by heart."

"Aw that's so sweet," Jonah tells Isaac, "the two of you can be nerds together."

xxx

All in all it's been a good day Jonah thinks to himself as he lets himself in the front door, setting his bag lightly down at the bottom of the staircase.

"Anyone in?" Jonah shouts.

There's no reply but Jonah can't say he's surprised. Ruth's shift will have only started a few hours ago and his parents are never home before seven. Not that Jonah minds, there's something quite nice about having a house to yourself. It's nice to be alone, even if it's not nice to be lonely.

Jonah quickly grabs himself a snack from the kitchen, leaning against the counter top as he makes his way through leftover pizza. There's nothing much for him to do, a day full of almost nothing but frees has meant all his homework is completed and Jonah is restless, desperate for something to do, and he has no idea how to spend his time.

He settles down in front of the television, flicking through the channels until it becomes clear that there's absolutely nothing interesting on at four o'clock in the afternoon.

That doesn't ruin Jonah's good mood though, instead he grabs his phone and puts on his favourite playlist, fully prepared for a dance party. Jonah isn't sure what it is about today, Monday's are usually one of the worst days of the week after all, but he's in a good mood. It's as if Daniel's smile is infectious, because as soon as Daniel is in a good mood, Jonah seems to be in a good mood too.

Jonah grabs his phone once again, fully prepared to call the other boy, fully prepared to make up an excuse just to hear Daniel's voice. Jonah changes his mind at the last minute though, he's worried that Daniel is going to be busy, that Jonah is going to end up disturbing him. And so Jonah places his phone back on the coffee table and begins to play air guitar to Fall Out Boy. It's one of those days when Jonah's life feels entirely problem free, when he feels lie he could climb a mountain or change the world.

It's the kind of day when anything seems possible.

It's the kind of day when Jonah feels like everything between Daniel and him might work out. It's the kind of day when Jonah feels like confessing everything, when Jonah feels like saying 'I love you' might solve everything. As if those three words are the solution to a problem that the words themselves caused.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The words are like a rhythm to the song that Jonah is listening to. He feels like they're the words that he should be singing along to. That they're the words he should be shouting from the top of the mountain he climbs, or telling the world he changes. Jonah can't tell if he wants to announce the words to everyone or if he wants to keep them his own little secret. Three words to mutter to himself in the dark when everything feels like it's going wrong.

They're the soundtrack to Jonah's thoughts, plaguing his every thought, consoling him at night. They're the three words that Jonah wants to get off his chest, but they're lodged in his throat.

He can say them firmly in his head but never aloud, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how often. It's as if the words are trapped inside of him, refusing to come out no matter how much Jonah wants them to. Jonah's not saying that he wants to say the words to Daniel, but he'd like to hear the words said aloud none the less. Testing them out before he decides what to do next, seeing how they feel out in public, seeing how they fit.

"I -," Jonah's voice catches and he can't spit the next word out.

It's simple to say it about other things. Jonah loves strawberry laces, Jonah loves his new jeans. But Jonah is going to eat the strawberry laces, and it's only a matter of time until his new jeans rip. Jonah loves Daniel Evans, but he's probably going to end up breaking his heart. Maybe, Jonah thinks, maybe he can only love the things that he then destroys. As if the two go hand in hand, as if one without the other is some far away dream that Jonah can only attempt to imagine, a perfect scenario that Jonah only wishes he could be a part of.

The thought is sobering because Jonah so desperately wants the opposite to be true. He doesn't want to break Daniel's heart, Jonah is only just starting to discover what he really wants but he already knows he doesn't want that. What he wants is to be happy, and right now Daniel seems to be the solution to feeling that way.

"I love -," Jonah tries again, and like before the words stick.

Jonah can feel them as if they're a physical object. A lump in his throat, that slowly, ever so slowly seems to be edging upwards. The words cut off Jonah's air and make his mouth go dry. The words are horrible. The words make his pulse race and his heart clench. The words are all Jonah is clinging onto as he dances around the room.

All Jonah knows them is he has to say them, has to say them aloud.

"I love you."

Finally he manages it, and the excitement that washes through him is clear. And Jonah comes to a split second decision, he has to tell Daniel.

Jonah's phone is in his hand once again, and he quickly clicks on Daniel's name, clutching to his phone to his ear as he hears it ring.

Jonah waits patiently, as he hears the dial tone. He stands, holding the phone tightly, his palms beginning to sweat.

He waits to tell Daniel about his feelings. He waits for Daniel to pick up the phone.

There's no answer.

xxx

Daniel is surprised to hear the door slam.

His parents are both out at work, and Daniel isn't expecting them back for a while. And so Daniel should not be able to hear the door shutting. The sound is enough to put him on edge, to send him tiptoeing to the top of the staircase to see if he can spot who it is.

He doesn't need to spot them as they soon make their presence obvious.

"I'm home," Marcus shouts.

Daniel feels his palms begin to sweat and feels bile rise in his throat. Today had been going so well. Marcus wasn't due home for another few days. Suddenly Daniel can see everything beginning to fall apart, the same way it always seems like it is going to when Marcus is home.

"Hey," Daniel calls back eventually, once the world has stopped spinning.

"Where are mum and dad?"

"Out at work."

"Oh. And your little boyfriend?"

Daniel has no idea whether Marcus is referring to Isaac or Jonah, but either way he knows denying that he's dating either of them won't be successful, there's no other way to deal with Marcus other than to go along with what he says.

"Not here."

"Good. I was worried I was going to walk in on you with a dick up your ass."

Daniel swallows, tries to keep his gaze focused on the wall opposite him.

"Well you don't have to worry about that happening," Daniel says, trying to keep his voice level.

"You mean I wish I didn't have to worry about that."

Daniel has no idea how long Marcus is prepared to go on for but he knows there's no way to stop him once he's gotten started. And so Daniel tries to tune him out, stands still and begins to name as many Harry Potter characters as he can.

"You know someone asked me the other day if you'd be following in my footsteps, I told them you were too much of a poofter for that. That you weren't enough of a man to get with a girl, so you weren't man enough to join up."

"Oh," Daniel isn't exactly sure how else Marcus expects him to reply, but he knows that some acknowledgement of Marcus' statement is needed.

If Marcus is bothered by Daniel's lack of response then he doesn't show it. Instead he kicks off his boots and trudges up the stairs. Pausing when he's stood a short distance away from Daniel.

"Do you ever think about how easy your life would be if you were normal?"

Somehow that statement hurts Daniel more than anything else he has said. Just the idea that Daniel's sexuality makes him abnormal, especially when Daniel has spent half his life desperately trying to fit in, to make himself seem less weird, to make himself seem normal. He hates the fact that it's his sexuality that defines him, like it's emblazoned on every part of his body, seared into his skin, as if it's all that people remember about him. Not a name or a face, just that he's gay. As if that's all they really need to know about him to form an opinion.

Daniel hates being told he's not normal. Because he is, and he knows it, he'd just like some confirmation.

And so Daniel doesn't dignify Marcus' question with a response and instead digs his fingernails into his palms as if that will be enough to distract him. As if the physical pain will be enough to drown out the emotional pain.

"You know there's a guy like you in the force," Marcus continues unperturbed, "none of the guys will bunk with him in case he tries to make a move. I still reckon that's the only reason he joined the army, for all the fit soldiers. It's just wrong that he's allowed to do that."

Someone like you. Daniel hates the phrase; hates how it makes him seem so different, as if he's not human, as if he's worth so much less than everyone else. Daniel hates how bigoted his brother is, how closed minded and hurtful his words are without him even realising it. Daniel hates the fact that Marcus can bring his good mood down with just a handful of words, words that Marcus probably doesn't realise are actually knives, aiming straight for Daniel's heart.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Daniel hates feeling different, and feeling wrong and feeling stupid. He hates his brother and he hates Harry and he hates Charlie and he hates every stupid person that's ever told him how to live his life. Daniel hates with such ferocity that it scares him, hates so much that he's worried that it's going to overcome him, that one day all he'll be bitter and lonely, unable to trust anyone, unable to love or be loved. Daniel can feel the hatred claw at his insides like a creature trapped inside his stomach, like it's an inherent part of him.

Daniel wants to scream, wants to shout. But instead he closes his eyes and waits until Marcus falls silent. Until the corridor is empty except for himself. And then the first tear falls, Daniel can't tell if he's angry or sad, all he knows is that he's sobbing and it's like every emotion he's ever felt is suddenly rising up inside of him, finally overflowing.

Daniel stumbles into his bedroom and grabs his phone. Latching onto the only thing he can feel except for the hate.

The number is easy to find and as soon as Daniel clicks the call button he starts to feel a little calmer. The tears are still flowing and all Daniel can think about is how much he hates the world, how unfair life is, but he clings onto the little bit of love he still feels.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end of the phone asks.

"Jonah," Daniel gasps.

xxx

Jonah is terrified.

Daniel is practically incoherent on the other end of the line, Jonah can hear him struggling for breath, can hear the way that Daniel is falling to pieces. Jonah feels so useless, because he knows there's a problem, a problem he feels like he should be able to fix, but he has no idea how, has no solutions to bring to the table.

"That's it," Jonah says, "I'm coming over."

"No," Daniel tells Jonah, his tone certain, "you can't see me like this. I just... I just need to hear your voice. I need to know you're there."

"I'm not going anywhere Danny-Boy."

The phone line falls towards silence. Jonah can still hear Daniel sobbing on the other end of the phone but Jonah doesn't attempt to offer any words or advice. Instead Jonah does the only thing that seems to be calming Daniel down right now. He talks and he tries to make Daniel smile.

"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field."

There's no response from Daniel and the crying continues. Usually when Jonah is on the phone to Daniel it seems as if the boy is mere inches away but this time Jonah can feel the distance. Can feel what seems like miles stretching between them. Jonah wants nothing more than to hold Daniel tight, to whisper 'I love you' over and over again. But now doesn't seem like the right time, and on the phone definitely isn't the right place and so Jonah doesn't voice the words aloud. Instead he continues with the jokes.

"What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?"

Jonah knows that Daniel isn't going to response but he pauses anyway. Holds onto the hope that maybe everything will suddenly be okay.

"A woolly jumper."

In Jonah's mind the small of smiles is playing across Daniel's lips. And in Jonah's head everything is suddenly a little bit brighter.

"Knock, knock," Jonah whispers.

He honestly doesn't expect Daniel to reply but he figures it's worth a try. And even if the joke falls flat it's not like Jonah has anything left to lose.

"Who's there?"

The relief that washes over Jonah is palpable and he lets out a sigh that shows exactly how he's feeling.

"Interrupting sheep."

"Interrupting she - ,"

"Baa!"

"Oh my god Jonah stop," Daniel says letting out a brief spurt of choked laughter.

"Only if you promise me that everything is okay."

"Everything is fine."

"Why don't I believe you?" Jonah asks.

It's Daniel's turn to sigh and Jonah half expects the other boy to put the phone down. To walk away and pretend it never happened. Admittedly that seems to be Jonah's forte though.

"Because everything isn't

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