Embarrassed

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

I'd been in love with my semi-friend Jimin for almost four years now.

It started out as physical attraction, which helped me to understand my flexible sexuality (basically I don't care what you are -boy, girl, fish with legs- if I like you, I like you).

We tried dating once, but I was too young and I couldn't handle it properly. I had no idea what I was supposed to do in a relationship, so I got scared and broke it off.

That was two years ago. I'm sixteen now and Jimin's eighteen.

We've been fooling around on weekends for the last couple years, but he never would say he loved me or liked me or that I was even good looking.

He was all of that and more to me. But if he didn't like me back, what was the point in telling him I still had a thing for him? I'd just become annoying to him.

I was wandering through the halls, looking for him as I made my way to his locker- hoping there was a greater chance he'd be there than just walking around.

I wanted to invite him over, maybe go get pizza Saturday night. We liked driving around after the sun went down.

I found him, mostly because I could hear his laugh coming from a little ways away.

I shuffled through an inconsiderate group of first years that had crowded in the middle of the hall, popping out on the side of the hall where Jimin's locker was.

My smile fell once I saw him though, wrapped up in some guy's arms.

He didn't even seem to notice me standing there; self destructing right beside him.

I waited a few seconds and he still didn't turn to me, so I said "Jimin-hyung."

He finally looked at me and his brow furrowed. "Hey, what's up?" He glanced at the guy in front of him.

"Um...are you busy this weekend?"

"Uh," he bit his lip then nodded, "Yeah. Actually just made plans."

"Oh," I deflated, "Well...what're you doing?"

"Going on a date," he squeaked.

I looked up to the guy holding him, recognizing him as the guy I had detention with last year- Kim Taehyung.

It set my blood on fire to see him there. What business did an asshole like that have with such a sweet guy like Jimin?

"Sorry, kid," Taehyung suddenly smirked, "Maybe he'll let you have sloppy seconds."

Jimin laughed it off, but I rolled my eyes.

I'd had enough of Jimin and his boyfriends and girlfriends.

"Seriously, Jimin? This? You're choosing this over me?"

"Kookie," he scoffed, "Don't be rude."

"Rude?" I shifted my weight to my other leg and pushed a hand through my hair. "What's rude is you blowing me off every time you get a new hook up. Can't you tell by now that these people are just using you?"

"Kookie-"

"No, Jimin, I'm sick of this. You know how I feel about you, I told you so many fucking times. Do I not mean anything to you? At all? Am I just some way to get your fix? The last I heard it was 'finger me' now you're just being a dick."

"Mr. Jeon," a teacher put her hand on my shoulder but I slung it off.

I stared at him, waiting for something- anything- to come out of his mouth. When he finally decided to speak I crumbled. "Kookie...we've never done anything together. Are you on drugs or something?"

I waited a beat, glancing around at all the people who had stopped and turned to watch us. Then I looked back to him and shook my head as I stepped away, "Don't talk to me ever again, Park Jimin."

+++++++

For three months, I erased Park Jimin from my life. I was successful in deleting our messages, all the selfies we'd took together, all the secret pictures I took of him.

I unfollowed him on all social media and I blocked his number. I shut him out. And I closed myself in.

Jimin and I had mutual friends, but I let him have them. I didn't need anyone to sit with at lunch and I was always able to do my work on my own. Jimin physically couldn't be alone for longer than six hours.

I was glad my teachers noticed my change in attitude, because they always let me work alone.

Sometimes it sucked; because I could hear people whispering about me. What would they be saying? Poor freak. Such a loser.

They probably thought I was suicidal at this point. Which...I'd thought about it. But I didn't have the guts for it.

+++++++

I spent my lunch period in the library, sneaking snacks into the back rows of shelves and having a small lunch. Occasionally, I was brave enough to bring a soda. I'd fake a sneeze as I opened it to cover the sound. The librarian trusted me too much.

About four months after I shut everyone out, I got a text from a friend, one I'd left for Jimin- because Jimin needed friends, needed someone to talk to. I was fine by myself.

Yugyeom texted me, wanting to meet after school. He said he was worried about me. I didn't believe it at first, but I slowly let the idea of someone actually giving a fuck about me overwhelm my heart.

He wanted to meet after school, and I told him maybe.

++++++++

I got back to Yugyeom at the end of the day, telling him to meet me in the library at the study tables.

I was there already, my last class having come down to use the computers for research.

So I stayed put, my head down and brain wandering as I waited.

"Jungkookie?"

My breathing halted and I stiffened at the voice. No. Fuck you, Park Jimin.

"Jungkook," he tapped my shoulder and I stood up, knocking his hand away, glaring at him as I breathed heavily.

He seemed to cower away, which gave me space to collect my stuff.

"Jungkook, wait!" He grabbed my arm and I froze, "Please, just...talk to me. Please. You're scaring me."

"You, you, you," I mumbled, "It's always about you."

His hands fell away from me and I turned to him.

"When will the world stop revolving around you, Park Jimin? I understand, you have issues, but guess what? So do the rest of us!"

He flinched and started playing with his fingers, a habit he had when he was nervous.

"I have feelings too, Jimin. Out right denying that we were ever intimate hurts. Trying to make me look insane, hurts. It hurts, Jimin. When will you understand that?!"

"I'm sorry!" He cried out, tears falling to his cheeks, but I couldn't find any sympathy in me at that moment. "I'm so sorry, Kookie, I am! I just...it was embarrassing for you to just shout that in the hallway."

"And it's not embarrassing for me chase after a slut like a love-sick puppy? It's not embarrassing that my fascination, the fucking person I use for all of my art projects, makes me look like a desperate fool? Don't you think I get embarrassed when I try to tell people that I want more than friendship from you? You aren't the only one, Jimin."

"Kookie-"

I grabbed my bag and jacket, quickly leaving him there. I couldn't watch him cry any more or I'd break down and let him back in. I needed to protect myself, that much I knew.

++++++++

"Jungkook," my mom sat next to me on my bed, her hand landing on my cheek, "What's going on with you?"

I shrugged.

"Why were you crying, baby? Did someone say something to you?"

I shook my head, "No, Momma."

"Then what's wrong?" She asked, her voice so gentle that it made me burst into tears.

She pulled me into a hug and I cried against her shoulder, as if I were eight years old all over again. "Jungkook," she started to shush me after a while, rubbing my back and helping me breathe.

Eventually I was just hiccuping and clutching her shoulder.

"What happened?" She pushed a hand through my hair, mostly likely fixing it.

I managed to get my sniffles out before I mumbled, "He broke my heart."

A second later, she kissed my cheek and I broke down again.

+++++++++

"Eomma, can I stay home with you today?" I asked, trotting down the stairs in my pajamas.

"Jungkook," she walked up to me and crossed her arms, "You need to go to school and finish your project."

"I know, but I just...I wanna stay with you."

After giving me a hard stare, she finally relented and nodded. "You can stay, just for today."

I took the rest of the week off from school.

That Saturday, my parents left to go shopping. I was usually fine with it, since they always go and bring me back food, but this week I hated it.

I ended up in my bathtub, one of my dad's razor blades between my fingers, with blood dripping down my arm.

My mom found me like that when she came upstairs to tell me they were back with lunch.

Now I'm being watched in all my classes. I have a counselor and therapist that I meet with on Wednesdays.

I usually don't say much, because I don't have answers to the questions they ask.

Things like "Why don't you socialize with the people in your classes?" or "Why do you eat in the library?" all have the same answer, but I can't bring myself to say his name.

I was a sporting a nice, noticeable, whiter-than-white bandage on my wrist for a good month and a half. I didn't take care of my stitches like I should have, so it took a while for the small, yet deep, cut to heal.

In all honesty, what I did wouldn't have killed me. I just wanted to know if it was an option for me to feel better. I didn't like it. So that's what I told my therapist.

"I didn't like it." I said it randomly, during one of our silent pauses.

She looked up to me then folded her arms on top of her desk, "Didn't like what?"

"Hurting myself," I responded, "I just wanted to try it."

"Why would you want to try something so destructive? What could you gain from it?"

"That's what I was trying to find out. Personally...it didn't do anything to make me better. Just hurt a lot."

"Make you better?" She repeated, "What does that mean?"

I furrowed my brow and squeezed the stress ball she'd given me earlier, "That I wasn't okay before I did it."

"Why's that? What happened?"

I shook my head, "Can't say."

"You can't or won't?"

"Both."

++++++++

"Jungkook," someone gripped my bad wrist lightly and I shook their hand off, bringing my arm up to look at my stitches.

I waited a beat, finishing up at my locker before I turned to them.

Yugyeom and Jae stood there, upset frowns on their faces.

"So it's true," Jae muttered, "You actually tried."

I started to walk away, but Yu held his arm out in front of me.

"Jungkook, we need to talk. Seriously. All of us," Yu started. "Me and Jae invited everyone over to his place. Please come."

I stared at them, my eyes flicking back and forth between their faces. Jae seemed desperate, which he never usually cared much about anything during school hours.

"Okay," I mumbled, stepping away from them.

+++++++++

When Yugyeom said 'everyone', he meant everyone.

All of my old friends-- female, male, older, younger, graduated, first-years-- they were all gathered in Jae's living room when I arrived. Including Park Jimin.

He was tucked into the far corner of the room when I stepped in, but when our eyes met, he moved closer, yet not too much.

"Jungkook," Seokjin hyung rushed over to me and wrapped me in a hug, one that I'd been craving. I missed his hugs- and Jimin's and Namjoon hyung's.

I let myself curl around Seokjin and, against my better wishes, I broke down into tears as I apologized to him over and over with no purpose.

He calmed me down after a while and I was sat on the couch, Jin beside me and Yu sitting on the coffee table in front of me.

Jimin was blended into the crowd a bit, standing straight in front of me while still keeping his distance.

"Jungkook-ah," Jin's hand landed on my knee and I looked to him. "Is it true? Did you hurt yourself?"

There was something about the way that Seokjin didn't say, solidly, that he knew I'd hurt myself. It meant a lot to me that he didn't just believe what everyone else was saying.

Yet, my eyes fell to my arm, covered by my black sleeve. I waited a beat, then glanced at him as I pulled up my sleeve.

His eyes fell to follow the movement and once my stitches were on display, his shoulders slumped. "Kookie."

"I'm sorry, hyung," I whispered, biting my lip as my eyes wandered the room.

"No," he looked up to me and smiled, "Please don't apologize. Obviously....Obviously something happened. You...You've changed so much. You shut us all out, Jungkook. We're worried. We just...we wanna know what changed; what happened that brought this on?"

I looked around the room, skipping over Jimin as I looked my friends in their eyes.

"I...I don't know-"

"Jeon Jungkook, you fucking liar!"

My eyes found the source of the voice immediately, a crying Jimin standing between Jae and Hoseok hyung.

"Don't fucking lie! Tell them!"

I looked to my lap, my hand in between both of Jin-hyung's.

"Tell them! Tell them or I will!"

"Jungkookie," Seokjin's voice was calm and quiet in my ear.

I shook my head.

Jimin let out a small noise, one of frustration as he pulled on his hair.

"Jiminie," Hoseok tried to grab his arm, but Jimin moved away and stood in the center of the room.

"It was me!" He said, voice cracking and breath harsh.

"Hyung," I looked up, ready to stop him, but he glared at me. I'd never seen this side of him and it was shocking, to say the least.

"I did it. I...made you feel like shit and I'm so sorry, Jungkookie. I never wanted this," he held his hands out, gesturing to the situation.

"Jimin-hyung, stop. It's fine."

"It's not fine!" He yelled, "What is fine about this? How are you fine?! You aren't! How could you be?!"

"I don't wanna talk about this here-"

"Tough shit, Jeon Jungkook!"

"Jimin," Seokjin stood up and moved over to him, whispering something in his ear.

Jimin slowly relaxed and then softly nodded after a few seconds.

Jin-hyung came back to me and sat down, "Kookie, please, go talk to him. I'm not sure what's going on, but it seems important."

"Hyung-"

"Please," he grabbed my hand again and gave me those worried, motherly eyes.

"Alright," I nodded.

With that, I stood up and followed Jimin into the kitchen.

He paced the tiles in front of the oven before he finally stopped and looked to me, "Why, Jungkook? Why would you try to leave me like that?"

"Leave you," I rolled my eyes, "Again, it's about you."

"Yes! Yes, this is about me and my best friend and I want to know why you have fucking stitches on your arm!"

I dropped my eyes to the floor and sighed.

"It doesn't make sense to me-"

"Because, hyung!"

"Because, why?!"

"Because I don't have what I want!"

"What could possibly drive you to this?! Video games aren't worth ending it all, Kook!"

"Video games?" I laughed sarcastically, "You think I cut myself because of video games?"

He swallowed and seemed to shrink back in on himself as I took a step forward.

"I did this because of you."

"Jungkook, I didn't-"

"No, you didn't. Where were you when I texted you all those times and needed someone to talk to? Or back in middle school when the bigger kids would pick on me? I've always helped you, always protected you. When are you gonna return the favor?"

"Jungkookie," he choked out, his eyes were glossed over and I could feel myself melting.

He slowly stepped up to me, then wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face against my chest.

"I'm sorry."

And I hated myself in that moment, because I hugged him back. I hugged him back and pulled him as close as I could.

"Hyung," I choked out.

"What's wrong, Kookie?"

"It's not fair," I whined, closing my eyes and laying my forehead on his shoulder, "I love you and it's not fair."

His hand was stroking the back of my neck now, pulling my tears from me. I never was much of a crier unless it was caused by something absolutely terrible. I deemed this absolutely terrible.

"Jungkook, I...I did love you. I did. I know it means nothing now, but...I did. I still love you, but it's not...romantic and I know it's not what you want to hear, but it would be worse to lie to you right now. I just-"

"Shut up," I whispered, "Just...for now."

++++++++

I managed to fix my friendship with Jimin, and for a while I had hopes of winning his love again.

Yet, three weeks after we slept together again, he had a different boyfriend.

It was embarrassing, to say the least, that I chased something I knew I'd never be able to have.

-------
I know I know~~

Plz no hate meh~~

But! On a bright note, I had someone offer to translate my Daejae fic into Persian (PERSIAN THAT'S SO FLIPPIN COOL) and I'm very happy about that. :)

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net