I drag my bag behind me on the coffee colored carpet of the hotel padding towards room 309. The key dangles in my cold palm as I lift it to the grass green door in front of me, prying it open once the door is unlocked. The still, nicely decorated room welcomes me as I breathe in the vanilla scent of the space.

The brief car ride from my mother's house to here gave me more than enough time to be rational about my situation so I've sucked up most of what was on my mind. I push my luggage to the far end of the room and spread myself across the bed clothed in gold sheets. The Oxyn Hotel is the nearest most decent hotel from my mom's home and though I would like to be farther away from that place the desire to rest my body and mind outweighs the need to be as far away as I possibly can. I knock my shoes off with my toes and climb further up the bed sinking my head into a pillow.

The internal noise spares me from closing my eyes and going into a peaceful slumber.

I sit up exhausted from life. I should've stayed on the ship and just-'keep running away from life?' my inner thought says before I can actually tell myself a lie. I mean that's what I was doing in the first place. Running.

"I'm not running anymore." I whisper to myself.

It's time to start a career, get my life together and possibly settle down with someone I love. Someone who won't hurt me, won't leave me and will love me for me. Someone like Jax. I let my mind take me there then suddenly remember what I read about him. I wished he didn't have a girlfriend, he basically did to her what I did to Parker, and what Parker did to me- oh well I guess we're all crude human beings alike. I'm upset with him, not enough to never talk to him again but I'm not calling him especially when he has a girlfriend. I told him I would when I'm ready but other than the fact that he's in a relationship I'd like to close this tragic chapter of my life and move on.

My phone vibrates from my bag and I pull it out, anticipating the caller id.

Jax.

I roll my eyes before declining.

It rings again.

Decline.

Again.

"What?" I say with annoyance.

"I see you're in a bad mood." he replies and I could just hear the smirk on his pretty face.

"Only because you called." I dare myself. " You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend in New York Jax." I gnaw at my cheeks waiting for his pathetic apology or snide remark depending on how much he likes me at this point. He chuckles into the phone, while I sit awaiting the humor in my sentence.

"Stop fucking with me Noah. I don't have a lady and you know it." the playfulness is outshined by sincerity but I don't buy it. I have evidence of him and he's lying to me, after telling me that he possibly loves me. What a bastard?

"You and your Asian beauty, quit lying to me. I saw pictures of you two on social media." he pauses for a moment and then I know that I've caught him in his lie. The tears prick my eyes with pain but I refuse to let them fall over another man again. The only tears I want to cry when it comes to men is at their funerals or tears of joy.

"So you've met Ming before I can introduce you to her. Ming is nothing more than my personal assistant for many years. Nothing romantic about our relationship, Noah." I stay silent, trying to decipher if it is the truth or not. I mean I couldn't tell with Parker.

"Please tell me you're not lying?" I plead not able to withstand another liar.

"I'm not lying. Noah I adore you and would never hurt you and even if I was associated with Ming I wouldn't hurt her either. Please believe me." he ends with a warmness in his tone that slowly moves through the speaker and fuses its way into my chest.

I believe him. Shamefully.

He's not desperate he's being real.

"Okay fine I believe you." I let out waiting for him to speak again.

We stay in silence and I can't tell if it's an awkward or welcomed one.

"I called because I want you. To be mine."

Those words.

My entire being becomes alert at those words. Hot air rushes over me while my heart beats desperately against my rib cage. He's asking me to be with him and I would like to but I can't. Not right now. I have to figure myself out before jumping into another relationship. I can't make the same mistake I was making with Parker; that is hiding behind him and using him as a coping mechanism when I should have really been his equal not his parasite.

"I can't Jax." The words escape my lips quicker than I can think. My eyes succumb to their darkness as I wait for his words.

"Why not?" he's irritated now. "Because you're with Parker. Well news flash darling you don't love him, you fucked me and went back out of guilt. Stop running from what you truly want Noah." his words catch me off guard. He truly thinks that I'm rejecting him because of Parker? What about myself?

"Parker is engaged with a baby on the way. Turns out he was cheating on me and way worse-starting a family so if you think this is about Parker it's not. I don't want to be with you, I'm not ready to be in a relationship just yet Jax. Not right now, I'm too tired to think about relationships." the words trickle out of my mouth just like the bitter tears out of my eyes.

"I'm sorry about Parker."

"Yeah, but at least I know him for who he is now."

Pause.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" he asks, now sympathetic- maybe for me but I hear the self pity in his tone.

"I'll call you but give me time." that's the last thing I say before I hang up and make a call to the phone company to request a phone number change.

Letting go of Parker, Jax, my family and my cheating self is the first step to changing my life. I don't want to feel this way as if I'm grasping for air while drowning. I want to swim not sink.