Thank you guys for 120K reads! I'm sadly starting sophomore year in exactly 12 days, so I'm going to try and update as much as I can.  Enjoy! 🤍

Warning: Violent acts of abuse are discussed throughout the chapter.

"Your beauty never ever scared me." – Ghost

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Chapter 48
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At this point, my cheeks were slippery wet with tears. Hearing Kade's story only pulled at the tender strings of my heart. It was far more painful to hear then I could have ever imagined.

I never knew those things about him. I never would have thought about it. But, now, things clicked in my head. It all fit like one bizarre puzzle.

His reactions to everything, his anger, his inability to share or open up, his hurt. It all clicked.

I shoved a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Is that...is that why you hated me when I first came here?"

His eyes raised to mine. "Yeah." He drew in a breath. "It was."

"How did you recognize me?" It was a stupid question to ask, but it was the only thing I could think of.

"You didn't look that different," he responded. "Plus, I'd heard Susie talking on the phone with your dad about the move, so it wasn't that hard to piece. "

My head bobbed. "Your brother. How long has he been..." I didn't want to finish the sentence.

"Six years," he mumbled. "That day that you and I had that fight when you came to my house...it was the day he died."

My heart fell even further at that. I focused on his sour expression. "He seems like an amazing boy."

"Seemed," Kade corrected, his jaw ticking.

My lips parted, but he added, "He's dead. And, it's my fault. Don't try and sugarcoat it."

I shook my head. "Don't say that."

"It is. I should have stayed home from therapy, I should have forced my mom to take him with us, I should have...I should have done something. I was the one who was supposed to protect him," he continued. "I failed and it cost me everything."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I couldn't find anything that pointed back to him, in the way that he tried to believe. If anything, he'd been the one to keep Kacen alive for as long as he was.

I scooted from my spot until I reached him. I grabbed his hands in mine, and gasped when he snatched his own away.

"Hey," I whispered to him. "None of that was your fault. Your parents were the one who were supposed to protect him, not you. They were supposed to protect the both of you. You were a kid—"

"I was a kid with a fucked head," he snapped. I was so sure that the birds that once surrounded us were frightened by his tone. "I was a kid who..." I watched as he gulped, his head downturning. "Who was diagnosed with a personality disorder, and was deemed unfixable."

He shook his head. "And, these problems...they could have all been prevented. Or, at least some of them could. If I wasn't fucked in the head, if I wasn't crazy, he would still be alive. He would be here right now."

I couldn't prevent myself from gripping his chin, so that we were eye to eye. When I looked into his eyes, gone was the confidence, the fear of abandonment...it was replaced with the lack of reassurance and love all in one.

"Do you really think that your brother would want this for you, Kade?" I questioned, gripping his hands in mine. "No. He would want you to live, to make him proud. He wouldn't want you to starve yourself of happiness."

For a moment, I began to think that my words reached him. Even a small crack would have been progress. But, just as his eyes glossed over, he blinked it away.

Like before, he threw my hand off of him. "You don't know anything." He stood from his spot, leaving me in mine.

"Sit back down," I said, gazing up at him. "Please."

It was a quick motion, but it was hard to miss. Nearly like a switch. He jerked around, the white of his eyes red.

"Can't you get it?" he snapped. "I'm a borderline, Kimberly. I can't calm down by a flick of your fingers. Not until the problem leaves me the fuck alone."

My eyes squinted at him. "A borderline?" I mimicked, my mind straying from the realization.

He didn't turn back around. His back seemed hard to the touch from where I stood. "You heard me."

I repeated the words in my head until it clicked. Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew of disorder, but I didn't know much about it. Now that he confirmed it, though I felt my muscles tighten. As did my embarrassment for ignoring the signs of another health condition.

"Kade..." I started, intaking a sharp breath. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Suddenly, his body began to shake and tremble. "Why would I? So that you could treat me differently?"

I shook my head so hard, it hurt. "No, Kade. So that I could understand you more." I stood, sweeping the dirt off my pants.

I had to dig my feet into the soil as Kade turned around. I gulped down bits of anticipation one by one as his eyes found mine.

His hair grazed his forehead, the strands conflating with his mocha eyes. "What's to understand? I get pissed, I overdramatize the simplest things, I care too much, I don't care enough, I break shit, then repeat. There, you get it now?" he hissed, his eyes full of shame.  "I just don't feel normal, and I hate it. I hate myself for not being able to give it to you. I-I feel angry, I feel—"

"Hurt," I finished.

His eyes jerked up to mine. "I'm not hurt," he argued with a scowl.

I took a step closer. "You're hurt, and you have a reason to be. But, using your anger to overshadow it—"

He took that same step back. "No," he shook his head.

His voice was thick. If I weren't in front of him, I would've thought his throat was clogged, disabling his speech. His words were tight, restrained by his cloistered emotions.

I stepped closer to him, my hands out. I wanted planning on posing a threat, but he was relentless on his pain.

"Kade, I understand your pain. I've never lost anyone, but I did lose a parent emotionally. It was...it was like she was never there. I understand that part," I licked my drying lips. "And, it sucks. It does, and it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad but, you have people who are still here. Your own family that you choose. You can surround yourself by people who make you happy."

"You have me," I offered. "And, Luke and Levi. We're all your family, and we care. A lot. I know that I do."

He studied me carefully. His expression softened, his shoulders dropping slowly. His gaze fell, the muscle in his jaw ticking. I could see that my words were doing something to him, even if he wanted to shield it. It was there though, and I was going to find it.

His gaze skipped over the grass. "I feel like I'm failing somedays," he admitted in a gentle tone. "If you say one thing that I don't like, something that wasn't even meant to intentionally hurt me... I want to return it tenfold. I-I don't like that, I don't want to do that. Every day since Kacen died, it's gotten harder. When I open my eyes in the morning, I want to go back to sleep. I don't want to make anyone hurt."

"Every time that I tried to speak about it, there was..." he looked up, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. I nodded for him to continue. "Something that just told me to shut the fuck up. As selfish as it was, I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want to scare you off."

"I wanted to wait until I'd gotten a little more...under control," he mumbled. "Aunt Caylee told me it's normal, that it's fine to feel alright one day, then fucked the next day. Except, I don't want it. I don't want to be like that. Not now, when I have you to think about."

"When Susie first took me to a psychiatrist, I heard them speaking. She warned her that it was best to enter me into an institution before I hit my teen years, then send me back during sophomore year if I got out of hand," his jaw tightened. "Later that night, I heard her speaking with my dad. My dad called me 'a disgrace', and I remember that they both agreed it'd be best to send me away before I hit eighth grade. They both were careful to not let it slip. I was a kid, but I wasn't naive. I knew when my mom offered me drinks, she'd slipped the pills into the cup."

My head cocked. "Your mom did that?" I whispered.

His eyes raised to meet mine, before he nodded to confirm it. "She's not as innocent as she pretends to be."

A portion of my mind understood his anger towards his mom. A mother was supposed to protect their child, they were supposed to hold them as tight as they could, and try to never let them witness the dark side of the world. She hadn't done that, even if she was scared, Kade didn't see it that way.

He crossed his arms. "BPD, it has a strong hold over me. It brings me to the realization that you will leave. That you're worthy of someone better. Not of someone who can't get his emotions together, or of a relationship in where you don't know how I'll be that day. Some days, I'll want to push you away, to just stay locked up in my room. Other days, I'll want to have you around, I'll want to smother you with every single thing that I can think of. I don't want to put you through that."

My heart hung by its strings at his words. I knew that I should have taken them into consideration, but it was too late. The old me probably would have been on the first plane out of here. But, we were in the present now. Not the past. Things were different now. We were different.

I knew that this would be a challenge. A part of me was fearful, yet the other side overpowered the fear. The domination consisted of care, and love for this man in front of me.

I managed to move closer, though the space between our bodies still created a shift. "Do you really think I would change my mind about you because of something that doesn't define you?"

"Kimberly..." he mumbled, attempting to shrink away from my touch. "I don't want to put you—"

I grasped his hands oncemore. "Kade, I know you. You're not a disorder, or a disgrace. You're a person, who was placed in a bad situation. It's you that gets to decide what you make of it."

I continued with, "I think...no, I know that you want to be happy. And, you can be. Nothing is easy, nothing has ever been for either of us, but we've made it through. That's what we do, and we'll do it for this, too." My fingers grazed the hard muscles of his jaw. "BPD...it's something that you can't ignore. But, trust me when I say you aren't fucked up in the head, or broken, Kade. It doesn't change how I feel."

I smiled as he leaned into my touch. "Just because we'll have to work a bit harder to understand one other doesn't mean that we can't have it. I feel something...something crazy for you, and I know you do too. And, I'll be damned if I let anything stop it any longer." By the end of my speech, I felt my chest heave in frustration, and determination.

I didn't want to allow this to keep us apart, not if it meant losing him forever to something that could be prevented. I didn't care how difficult it'd become if the end result was the same: us.

I sucked in a breath as his hand raised to grasp my face. I didn't know of his next actions, but once his finger swiped across my wet cheek, I realized that I was crying.

His gaze softened. "I don't want to hurt you, sweetheart," his words were barely audible, though they tickled my ears perfectly. "I can't hurt you, and drag you down with me."

I placed my hand over his. I couldn't prevent myself from leaning into his touch.

"You won't, Kade," I whispered to him. "We'll find a light to help us climb back up if we fall."

He looked me over, his lip trapped between his teeth. When we made contact, the uncertainty in his eye was naked.

He motioned to himself. "I know that I won't be perfect—"

I kissed him so hard, it knocked him off guard.

He blinked before recovering. "And, if you want out, I underst—"

I kissed him again.

"And, I know I'm not the best person, not in the slightest bit, but—"

This time, I didn't stop kissing him until his hands pulled at my waist, drawing me into him. I went without a second thought, swallowing back his insecurities.

We pulled back, but he held me at arms length. "I'm not going to put it all on you," he whispered to me. "I hadn't taken my pills or attended my therapy in years, but that was before we started...before this. I've been going ever since, I started taking my meds again and I've been reading a fuck-ton of books and researching and—"

"Kade," my smile bit off his conversation but he continued on.

"I haven't missed a day either, I swear," he said to me. "Aunt Caylee has the date records if you want to see proof—"

My lips lifted at his rambles. He was incredibly cute when he did so. I shook my head. "I believe you."

He nodded, his finger stroking the lining of my jaw. "I just...I want to try for you. I want to deserve you. I want to be good, so good that I can be fucking amazing to you."

I willed my legs to hold upright at that. My lips parted to respond, but nothing came out. Instead, I cupped either side of his face, pulling him closer.

"Kade," I whispered. "We have to be honest with each other from now on, alright?"

When he didn't say anything, I decided to raise my pinky. It was a corny way in sealing our promise, but it was a long shot.

Kade didn't roll his eyes, or use sarcasm to disguise his annoyance as I expected him to. His serious expression extended out to me, as did his pinky, before he wrapped his finger around mine.

It tightened. "Honesty," he agreed.

I smiled at him. "Honesty."

I nodded, pulling on my trembling lip. Despite our promise, I knew what else I needed to say. Words couldn't even begin to express the gravity my guilt, but that was all I had.

"Kade," I whispered, swiping at my cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head, his jaw ticking. "Don't apologize for my parents."

My head shook. "No, no...I'm apologizing for myself." I sniffled, attempting to speak past the guilt. "If I would have told the truth...if I hadn't lied to the judge, your dad would've went to jail and Kacen would have never died."

My arms wrapped around myself for relief. Out of all of the shit I'd done to ruin lives, this was...shit.

I hadn't mean to do it purposely, or with malice intent, but regardless, I'd still done it. I'd killed a child, and left his family scarred all in the same action.

I wiped at my cheeks as the guilt grew. My mother wanted me to do something, and I should have known that it wasn't right. I should have just taken the punches. I should have believed myself, in what I'd seen, instead of convincing myself that it hadn't been real. But, instead, I was selfish. Just like her.

"I thought that...yeah," Kade admitted, moving closer to me. "But, then I met you, sweetheart. The real you."

My eyes fell to the grass as I separated my thoughts accordingly. "That's...that's why you stole my diary?"

Kade nodded once. "I'd planned on using it against you. I just wanted revenge so fucking badly at the time. I'd been thinking of it, of you and how I'd get you back, for years, but then...I don't even know how it happened, honestly. But, it did. Knocked me right on my fucking ass." He chuckled at himself, drawing out a sigh. "The more I saw you, the better I felt. The more time we spent together, the less control I had on my plan. And, the more we talked and I really learned about you, the harder I fell. And...I just got to the point where I didn't give a fuck about the plan, or my revenge. Not anymore."

At his softened expression, my own matched it. "I knew I'd fucked myself the moment you had me making up stories on that damn roof. The revenge, all of the plans...it all went to shit when I compared it to how badly I wanted you in my life. How I badly I wanted you, in general. Then, when I finally got to the realization of what happened that day in court, I realized that my anger had been misplaced and that it was never meant to be with you. Not at all."

My chest fell with relief despite the remaining pressure. "I'll never...words can never even begin to express how sorry—"

Kade shook his head, "Don't say you're sorry, Kimberly. You don't owe me one." He nibbled on the inside of his cheek before continuing, "I'm the one who should be saying it. I've been writing, and rehearsing over it with my note cards for a while now, because I knew you deserved it, but honestly, I can't remember shit of what I wrote now that I'm here, so I'm just gonna..." his nervous eyes jumped to the ground, and a second later, he was moving.

I blinked in shock as he crouched down until he was on his knees in front of me. Since I was sitting, we were at eye level. His hands reached out to mine. I shook my head. "You don't—"

"I don't have any shame for getting on my knees for this, or for you, sweetheart. When it comes to you, I'll do anything," he said, squeezing my hands. "I want you to see that I mean every word of it, of this."

His chest sucked in, his expression falling with apology. "I'm sorry for everything, Kimberly. I know I haven't said it yet, but I am. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I'm sorry I disrespected you. I'm sorry I said, and did those things, and never thought past my anger, or my grief long enough to piece it all together. I'm so sorry."

His voice dipped along with his speech, "I just...I assumed that you were a liar, that you weren't sorry, that you were pretending to not remember me and my brother. I had no idea about your mom, or your brothers until it was too late. That day at the park, when I said all of that...I still hadn't pieced any of it together yet. I had no idea of why you said what you said that day to the judge. Then, when I skimmed the later pages of your diary, and saw what you wrote about your mom, and brothers, I started to piece it together from there. It wasn't until later on that I read what you wrote about that day at court, about what your mom made you say and do...I realized why you did it, and that you weren't pretending. That you actually didn't remember me, or Kacen, or Susie. I genuinely thought, all along, that you remembered everything, and just didn't care. I assumed it all, and just ran with it. I'm so, so sorry."

My insides tightened at him. "I know," I said in a small voice. "But, still. I shouldn't have..." I squeezed my eyes shut, cursing against the hot tears. "I shouldn't have listened to my mother."

"You were a kid," he voiced, his fingers stroking my skin. "You had no idea, not really, what would happen. I'd told myself that a million times, that you should have just told the truth."

I opened my eyes, gazing at him.

He stared back at me. "But, it's not true. Your brothers, your mom...they would have tortured you. You were just trying to survive, and I've realized that. Since I've started to know the real you, and not the one I thought I knew, I've seen a lot, including your selflessness. I've realized that if you knew the truth, you would have done what was right without a second thought. I would have had you save yourself a million times over."

His fingers stroked over mine, his throat jumping along with his words. "And...I didn't mean to