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Okay, I'm sorry! I know I said these chapters would be out last night but I fell asleep while editing lmao.

Enjoy🤍!

"The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever." – Caroll Bryant

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Chapter 84
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A year, I believe.

That was how long I thought I remained in this state of woe. Three-hundred and sixty five days, at the very least.

It wasn't until I finally checked my phone that I found out it had only been two weeks. Only fourteen days had passed since my soul was absolutely shattered.

Every single day slipped into the last, all fit of the same routine. Wake up, cry in my bed, possibly throw up before showering, force down the dinner Teresa left by my door every evening, then down a couple sleeping pills in order to avoid the chaos that was my mind.

It didn't take long for Raven to find out; she was dating his best friend. Her, Maggie, and Jax continued to text and call. They went to retrieve my things from his house, but I had them give it to Teresa. I didn't answer directly, I couldn't.

My only thoughts were of him. Every memory seemed to asphyxiate me until the tears began. Some time during the damage, I managed to stop crying due to the dehydration.

As if my body wanted to challenge otherwise, my eyes began to burn. I squeezed them shut, further burying my head into the pillow. Just like he did when he wanted me to think he was sleeping, though he was actually watching over me for nightmares. He always waited an extra hour before he fell asleep if he knew my anxiety was bad that day.

Losing people hurt. The feeling wasn't an unfamiliar one, not at all, but it was different this time.

This time, a part of me was gone, only leaving half of my whole. Past the numbness, all I could recall was the pain. The pain of watching him so easily break my heart, so easily give up and walk away. I felt empty.

I couldn't stay awake for more than a couple of hours without the urge to lose the contents of my stomach. My head pounded as soon as I woke up, since the memories never hesitated. They were there in my dreams, as well. He was there.

My fingers clutched around the quilt until they grew numb. I glared down at the black blanket—the one he liked to use when he was here. Shit.

I shifted so that my back was to it; I didn't want to add to my angst. If anything, I needed to burn it.

There were so many follow-ups to the pain when someone leaves, but one of the worst? The reminders.

The simplest things reminded you of what was, of what could have been. You think you're clear from the pain for a day, then that simple, flash of a reminder throws you off course entirely. That person is everywhere, and in everything. If he wasn't occupying my brain, he was in something else. If

I managed to get this week and the next off from the diner. Since my uncle was originally hesitant about my return, he allowed me this time to heal. To him, it meant physically. To me, it meant training myself to not cry in public. School would start soon after, so I needed to save my pain for my bedroom.

I always dreaded school, but this time, it was entirely different. I would have to see him every day again, and possibly sit with him. Levi sat at our table for Raven. But, I vowed to take my lunch outside if he came up, or if Levi talked about him. That was the best I could offer.

I didn't want to see, or have anything to do with Kade Ryder. Ever again.

I clenched my eyes shut until I saw spots in my vision. I hadn't even uttered his name out loud since that day, I didn't care to. Having it control my mind was enough. It was inescapable.

The suggestion slithered into my havoc of my mind again, but I allowed myself to entertain it this time. It was one of the very few thoughts that managed to get through the pain.

I wanted to leave.

I didn't know where to exactly, but I knew the idea was stuck. The rational side of me understood that I was just running from my problems but, I didn't have it in me to care. Everywhere in this town was tainted with him, and I couldn't carry on like that.

College was the perfect opportunity. With my grades, I knew I was getting quite a bit in scholarships, as well as financial aid.

Originally, I intended to attend community college then transfer my credits to a university. I would have gotten paid to go to college due to the low funds, as well as be with the ones I loved.

Love.

My hand tightened around my chest as the beginning of a sob ripped through me. Choked me. Took grasp until I was simply a barer to it.

I didn't want anything to do with that word, nor it's association. I didn't want it, ever again.

Maybe—in the very, very far future—there would be another. I highly doubted my acceptance of it, but I couldn't think that far right now. I needed to do something for me.

And, that was getting the hell out of this town.

The rest of the college fees would come, but with the money I saved from the diner, I could hold myself up well for a while. I could find a cheap apartment near the campus, then just go from there. Either way, I wanted to do it, I think.

Kade held up to his promise. At least one of them. Teresa slipped the envelope under my door exactly three days after he left. On my way to retrieve the plate of dinner I wouldn't even eat, I saw it.

There was a check addressed to me inside, one that left my mouth hanging to the floor at the balance. I'd never thought over his earnings from the cages, but with the amount on that check, I knew the possibilities were endless for me if I cashed it. But, I stuffed it inside of my dresser as if it were spam mail, and went back to bed.

There was more than enough to do what I wanted and more, but I refused. I didn't want his anything, nor did I want any reminder of his lies. Only if the urgent was dire would I cash it, but other than that, it would sit in the envelope.

A part of me wanted to rip up the check to dispose of some part of him. If anything, it made my heartache worsen. It made me feel even more used and discarded.

I knew that I would get better eventually—if I could even call it that. I would never entirely heal from this, from him.

But, I'd at least fake it. I would heal on my own accord, at my own pace and in my own way. But, it was impossible to entirely rid yourself of the thing that helped you feel alive. Now, there was nothing, but a hole in my chest. One that couldn't be filled with hugs, or meaningless words, or money.

I could never go back to normal, I knew that. I didn't even remember how, truthfully. The only thing that I remembered was him, and how he made me feel. How I felt about him. I was empty, both physically and emotionally.

Though I would never admit it aloud, It wasn't the same with other people. Even though he was my love, he was also my best friend. He was my confidante, my soulmate, my other half.

I was comfortable with him in the ways I had never been with anyone else. I could talk, or voice anything without fear of judgement, manipulation, or anything like that for the first time. I could breathe, and actually be me, for the first time.

He knew every inch of me, both inside and out. The worst and the good parts. The parts I didn't want. The parts I loved most. He knew them, and I thought he loved them all.

I thought I knew him. I thought I knew those things about him, too. I thought he was mine, but now, he was gone. Just like that, just like I, we, meant nothing to him, he managed to walk away.

It killed me inside: to think of all of the things I gave, all of the things he pretended to give. A part of me wanted to believe that he was real, that we were real. That he was only trying to push me away. That he meant every promise, every kiss, every hug, everything. I didn't think a pretender could go as far as he did, not if there were truly bad intentions.

But, then I remembered how he said those words so easily. How he looked when he said them. How his expression held no resemblance of anything that I listed. How he so simply reached inside, and tore every single thread from my heart.

Regardless of the reason, regardless of if it were true, he still did it. Those words came from his mouth. The damage was already done, and there was no fixing it.

Somehow, I ended up in the shower. As soon as the hot water hit my skin, the tears began to flow. I could barely feel past the scorching water; it had nothing on the pain settled inside of me right now.

I wondered if he felt it yet: the wreck he caused. If he even regretted it. If he was even barely feeling a speck of what I feel. I hoped so for the sake of pure spite. I was alone to deal with this mess he made, and it angered me to the point of exhaustion to imagine him being okay with what he broke.

I stayed under the stream of water until it turned cold. My skin was raw and tender, but I paid it no mind.

Instead, I wrapped myself in s towel and continued to my bed. I managed to clothe myself before wrapping up in the blankets.

The pill did nothing to aid me, so I shoved my face into my pillow until it hurt. Sleep was the only time my mind could ease up, though it barely lasted. The dreams were too invading, too personal. But, anything to escape this torment even for a second seemed to be the right answer.


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