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"Love is not love until love's vulnerable." – Theodore Roethke

Chapter 73
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Neither one of us moved. We didn't speak. The silence was deafening as it stretched on.

Finally, I made the first move. With a cautious figure, I turned toward Kade. His focus were on the letters, face blank and motionless. Shit.

"Kade," I started, stepping toward him. He didn't notice me. All of his attention was on his mother, who looked visibly distraught.

I blinked, and he was gone from his spot. His mother watched him as he approached, but instead, he went for the letters.

He grabbed one, his fingers shaking around the papers as he met his mothers' eyes. He didn't even look down at it once.

"What the," his voice was strained, his jaw ticking back and forth. "What in the fuck are you doing in my room?"

"I-I was cleaning and I saw them in your drawer." She stood, smoothing down her nightgown. Her eyes were glassy as she turned to face him. "Why didn't you tell me that your father was contacting you, Kade?" She reached for another one of the letters. There was a stack of them under her feet. "These letters...they're addressed back years."

Kade scoffed. "Because it was none of your business, just like I'm not. My shit in my room is not, either." He ripped one of the letters until it was no longer decipherable.

"You're in my house," she dared to say with a trembling voice. "Kade...we have to stop this. I know that I haven't been the best mother, alright? I know that and I have lived with it, but I'm tired, okay? I'm so tired of walking on eggshells—"

"The best?" Kade released a humorless laugh. "You're not even a goddamn mother, in general."

Her eyes glistened as she blinked hard. "Kade—" her hand went out to touch him, but he quickly rejected it.

Disgust smothered his expression. "Don't fucking touch me. Don't ever lay a fucking hand on me. You're the reason for it all. You're just too fucking selfish to realize it. You're the reason my brother is dead. You."

Susie was hanging on by a thread. I wanted to say something out of sympathy, but it wasn't my place. Maybe both of them needed to hear this. For now, I would observe, and only step in if it gets too far out of hand.

Her tiny fists clenched on either side of her. She shut her eyes, but when she opened them, they weren't full of sadness or regret. They were dependent on rage, fiery undeniable rage.

Her chest rose and fell before she managed to speak. "Don't you dare, Kade. I have spent years, years proving to myself that that is not true. For as long as I can remember, I have allowed you to disrespect and say all types of things to me because of the guilt, because of my actions but you have no idea. You. Have. No. Fucking. Idea."

Kade strode over to his mother until they were toe to toe. I glanced between the two cautiously.

It was strange to see Susie hold her ground against him, but neither of them were backing down right now. It could either be a good or bad thing. Either way, this was a long time coming.

Kade poked his finger into her chest, his skin shading with color. "Oh, shit, okay. So now you give a fuck? Now you care? Now you actually fight the hell back?" His voice was rising by the minute.

Susie huffed, her voice straining as she shoved her hair behind her ear, "I have always cared. About Kacen. About you."

Kade threw his head back, a deep throaty laugh following. When he finally tipped it back to her, a grin remained. "Right, right. So you cared when you let him beat me? You cared when you let him stay with us? You cared when you made me feel like I was fucking insane and sent me away? Did you care then?" He roared the words at his mother, who was beginning to shake as she shoved her hair from her face. "Tell me!"

She shook her head hard, her lip trembling. "I was trying—"

Kade interrupted her, "You were trying to what? To cover your own ass? Because you ended up losing both of your kids because of that!"

"I was trying to survive!" she yelled so loud, I flinched. "I was trying to make sure we all survived! You have no idea what it was like, not only fighting for my life but you and your brothers, as well!" Her words ceased as she choked back a sob, cupping both hands over her mouth. "Everything I did was for you!"

Kade blinked as he stared down at her. And again, and again.

"You weren't. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you were, you weren't," he said a little too calmly. "You never cared. Not about me, and not about my brother. So now I'm returning the favor."

She swiped at her smeared mascara. "I did. I swear I did, even if you don't see it. If you could just talk to me—"

I planted myself against the wall as the next couple of seconds flashed past by. I blinked, and Kade had overturned his dresser as well as the flat screen. I didn't even think it was possible to do it so quickly, but with his rage, it was. His roar was loud, so painful that it caused me to flinch.

He was back in front of her, his body practically holding hers hostage with fear. "I don't want to talk to you," he shouted at her. "I tried talking to you. I tried talking when I begged you to leave him. I tried talking when you let him hit me, when you let my fucking brother, a fucking innocent kid, see him hit me! I tried talking when I begged for your help, for you to make him stop! I tried talking when I asked you, begged you, to let me see Kacen in the hospital! I tried talking when I told you that I wasn't fucking crazy! I tried talking when you left my fucking brother with that monster!"

This was going too far. They both had argued back and forth, but they never truly heard one another.

I took a step forward, outstretching my hand toward his arm. "Kade, she's—"

He snatched his arm from me, his glare bouncing across me. "You don't have to make excuses for her."

His reddened eyes fell upon his mother. "I needed you," he croaked out, allowing his words to crack and tremble. "Do you not fucking understand that? I needed my parents. I needed my dad, but I couldn't have that. I needed my mom, but you weren't there. I wanted you, I needed and wanted you so fucking bad, but..." he stopped himself, drawing in a tearful sigh. "But, you didn't care." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as the conflict of emotions threatened to overtake him.

Once he opened his eyes, the hatred sliced through his mother, again. His chest heaved in and out, and for a second, I thought I saw his eyes grow glassy. "I tried...I tried so fucking hard, but it meant nothing," his voice cracked over the statement before he shook his head. "I wanted you. I used to cry for you. I screamed, and begged, and sobbed on my fucking knees for you. To help me, to care about me, to at least help me understand why I couldn't be loved, so many times. If I didn't mean anything to you, then I wanted Kacen to. But, he didn't, not to you. I meant nothing to you. He...we meant nothing to you."

His eyes jerked over her figure with a look of abhorrence. "It should have been you," he added, glaring at her. "It should have been you that died. Not my brother. Not the only good thing I'd ever known at the time. If I could go back, I would make the exchange without a second thought to it, because in the short time he was here, he was the only thing that gave me hope for the first time. Love. All of the things that my own fucking parents had me believe wasn't even there in the first place."

A shaky sigh flew past his lips. He ran a hand down his face before meeting eyes with his mother. "I will never want to forgive you, reconnect, talk, none of that. In fact, I couldn't give two fucks if the next time I saw you was the last because it would be the same as yesterday and the days before that." His jaw tightened as he took a step back from her: "Now, get the fuck out of my room."

Susie stammered over herself as the tears flowed. Her expression was motionless with pure grief, pain, disbelief, and everything in between the three. I wanted to reach out to her, to tell her it was okay, that they were both right and wrong, but I couldn't. I felt my own eyes sting as she hurried past me, and out of the room.

I turned toward the ball of rage standing right in front of me. I could see it. The rage building all over again as he searched for something, anything to release his anger onto. After saying what he just said, admitting what he just did...it was paining me just to see him this way.

"Kade," I started, my voice softening as I stepped toward him.

His eyes slammed shut as he moved out of my reach. "Kimberly, baby, please don't." He took a shaky patch of breath through his nostrils as his fists clenched in and out. "Please."

I remembered what I read. I wasn't too sure of what to do, but I knew that he would need a minute. I didn't want to push his limits.

"Please," he repeated. He shook his head, sweeping a hand through his hair. "I'm not going to disrespect you. I'm not going to yell or put anything on you. I'm not. I love you, but I just need a minute alone."

I nodded slowly, taking a step over the dresser. "I'm going to the guest room, alright?" Kade nodded, his shoulders slumping in defeat. As badly as I wanted to stay, to hold him, it wasn't a good idea.

When it came to borderlines, there were usually signs that they gave, and with those signs, some people often ignored, and pushed at them until the person exploded. It would end in a spiral of endless guilt for the borderline themself, and a spiral of hurt or anger for the person they said or did the things to. It was something that could have been prevented with the right communication.

I didn't want to push him in an uncomfortable way. We'd already talked about our boundaries, and our triggers and how to respect them. He knew mine for my anxiety, and acknowledged them, and I did the same for him. He needed to try and gather himself alone, but if he did need me, I'd be here.

"Just don't leave," I said softly. "I don't want you to drive like this, okay?"

His head bobbed. "Take them for me. Please." His hand jutted in his pocket, gently placing his keys in my hand.

My words were reassuring as I spoke to remind him, "You know I'm here if you need me. I love you." I squeezed at his hand, leaving a small kiss to his palm.

"I love you," he murmured back, nodding over to me. "Thank you."

With one last squeeze of his hand, I stepped out of his bedroom with my suitcase, but the temptation held me in place for a moment. I wanted to go to him, or to his mother.

As soon as I passed her door, I could hear her shattering through the walls. It was heartbreaking, but I pushed myself through.

I made my way to the guest bedroom, feeling my heart weaken with each step for the both of them. As sleepy as I was, I knew that I wouldn't be able to find the comfort.

The room was as large as his, but it wasn't the same. I decided to leave my suitcase shut for the time being.

I examined the room over. White walls, hardwood floors, a television and a terribly comfortable bed.

I changed into comfortable clothing then settled in, the silky sheets rubbing at my skin. The pillows felt like clouds, but it did nothing for me. Finally, I decided to try to pass time on my phone.

There was a missed call from Maggie, a couple texts from Raven, Jax, Uncle Dylan, Griff and my dad. I clicked at a random one, which happened to be Griff.

I grinned down at the phone as I read the message over: Shay had the baby, and wanted me to visit soon. I hurried, and reassured that I would do so soon.

After responding to all of the other unread texts, I turned the phone over, and settled on my stomach. With my back toward the door, I tried to call sleep.

Still nothing.

My mind continued to race until I picked the phone up. It was five in the morning now, yet my mind was wide awake for too many reasons. The main being the argument I witnessed two hours ago. I wondered if either of them were asleep.

I wanted to believe Grandma Jacky about there being a chance of reconciliation, but I wasn't sure. Kade wished his mother dead, quite literally saying so himself.

But, he said it under a different impression. After the things Susie told me, I wanted there to be a chance. If only the two of them would just listen. Since it'd been this way for so long between the two, I think that anything else other than yelling was entirely out of the ball court, though.

I shut my eyes to try for sleep again, even though there was no real point. Just as I did, I heard the door click.

I knew it was him without even turning. I didn't move, nor did I physically react. Instead, I waited.

The bed dipped from under me, but that was all. He was as silent as a mouse for a moment before he said so softly I could barely hear him, "I'm really sorry." The mattress shook again as he stood up.

I started to shift toward him, curling my knees into myself. Before I could, he brushed over me, his arm wrapping under my knees and tugging me closer to his own body.

My heart jumped at the action as he situated himself on my chest. "I didn't want to push you away like that. I just needed a minute to get my shit under control, and I didn't want you to have to be the bearer of that."

I shook my head with a small smile as I swept my fingers through his hair. "Don't be, you didn't do anything wrong. You did fine by telling me. I'm proud of you." He watched as I intertwined our fingers.

He squeezed at mine. "I needed to calm down a bit, and I didn't want to risk saying something stupid to you, or scaring you." His hands planted on either side of me, trapping me underneath him. The leftover fragments of skepticism remained in his eyes. "I didn't want to leave you in here by yourself, though."

I nodded, my hand going to the back of his neck. I gave him a smile. "You're fine, I promise."

He nodded, tugging at his lip. I watched too many things flicker through his expression. "She just..." he shook his head. "I don't understand why she keeps trying to have me pity her. She was the adult, she was our mother, not the other way around. I don't owe her a fucking thing." I listened along while my hands rubbed at his bare back.

His expression transitioned to the same from earlier, pure hatred. "I don't understand how or why she actually gives a fuck about my well-being now. After everything she did...it's not possible."

"She does," the words flew past my lips before I could stop them.

I examined his expression for any reaction, but there was none. I'd never put my input into the subject before now. Then again, I knew that Kade didn't talk or listen to anyone else like he did me. So, that might be the reason that I had to do this.

"Kade," I whispered, gathering either side of his waist into my hands. "I talked to your mom—"

He blinked down at me. "What?" His hand fell from my knees. He rolled onto his back, placing a hand around my waist to turn me to my side to face him. With a jumbled expression, he ran a hand down his face before looking at me.

"Let me finish," I continued. "I talked to her, and there are so many things that you don't know. Things that....you think of in a different way because she hasn't told you. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but I hate to see this. I hate to see either of you hurt or blame one another instead of him."

I expected him to immediately shut me down but he didn't. Instead, he continued to stare at me with a blank expression. I had his attention, but I didn't want to jump into it, though.

My hand fell to his. "Are you comfortable with listening to me—"

He squeezed mine. "If something's bothering you, you know I'll always listen," he responded with a reassuring nod.

I sighed with relief, nodding. I gathered the separate versions of their stories, but I wasn't sure how to start. The truth was raw, painful. I wanted them both to know each others

He waited patiently, his fingers tracing over my tattoo. "Kade," I started. "Do you remember how..." That didn't sound right. "I know that you think your mother didn't try—"

He snorted. "She didn't."

"She did, she just never told you."

His hand fell. I waited for a response, but there was none. I tried to ease into the conversation, but I needed to get it out, regardless.

I pulled in a sigh while I spoke, "Kade, she didn't send you away because she thought you were crazy."

His hands fell from me completely. His expression tightened with confusion. "Then...why did she do it?"

I propped myself on my elbow. There was no turning back now. "She did it to protect you from your dad. She knew that he wouldn't hurt Kacen, and that you were the target. When she found out about your fighting, she took the opportunity so that you could be safe. Even if it were temporary. She sent you away to protect you, Kade."

His body grew rigid as he shook his head. "No."

"Kade—"

"No."

I flinched at the weight of emotion in his tone, but continued on. I couldn't lose his attention now. We were in too deep.

I placed a hand on his chest, my expression falling right with his. "There was no possible way she could leave, Kade. Not in that town, not where everyone knew and respected your father," I explained. "But, she tried. She tried, but was brought back every single time. The only way your father would let her go was if she left you behind, but she didn't, and she kept trying. While you were gone, she planned everything out. My dad helped her get tickets for the three of you while your father was away."

Kade blinked at me, his brows furrowing. "What?" His body shifted to face me entirely.

My eyes fell as I willed myself to get it out, "All of you were supposed to leave, but the teacher saw your scars..." My voice fell into nothingness. The rest wasn't too hard to put together.

I watched his expression shift to confusion then to angst. Then a million others, before it finally settled on one.

Guilt.

"Oh my god," I heard him whisper.

The muscles in his back strained as he turned away from me. I watched warily for a reaction as he stood on two shaky legs, but from the pain contouring every inch of his face right now, I knew that would be it.

He blinked at nothing in particular a number of times, his hand grasping at the wall. "Oh my god." He said the words again and again, before he finally bellowed over, as if he were in physical pain.

I stood up quickly to take hold of him. But before I could, he rushed off. I expected him to leave entirely but instead, his legs lazily crossed to the bathroom. I followed, shutting the door behind us.

I watched with a tight stomach as he threw up. My hand stroked at his warm back as a comfort, but I knew nothing could help that. I hated it for him, even more so that I had told him. But someone had to.

His skin was paling by the second as he hurled the contents of his stomach, again. I kissed the top of his head, flushing the toilet after him. He stumbled back before he finally pressed himself against the cool wall. I crept closer until we were at