Double update! Enjoy, lovelies! 🤍

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." —Cayla Mills

Chapter 38|Part 4
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The curiosity broke me down as I stared down at the writing. I didn't know what type of joke he was trying to make by doing this, but I didn't find it funny.

I started on the first page, curious as to what he could have written.

'Kimberly...where should I start? Fuck it.

I wished that I could be the one to make you happy. To make you smile. I wished things could be different. But, it can't.

And, that's my fucking fault.

You really have no idea, Kimberly. You're clueless as to how much I crave to make you smile. To make you laugh, and blush your beautiful heart out. But, I can't do that.

I'm not what you want...or what you need. I'll do whatever it takes to make you see that. It, we, are not supposed to happen.

Tonight, you made me smile by all of the weird shit you did. Like the nachos, or the goofy smile you had when I asked for another one...for a minute there, I saw past the darkness. And, I liked it. I liked you. You made things...better.

That was the first time I've had a real smile in years. Exactly 2,270 days, and you were the first and only person to break that streak.

You asked me to be your...friend? For some fucking reason, you asked that of me. This only makes it harder.

I can't give you that.'

I flipped the page, heart separate from my chest.

'You cried tonight.

For once, I looked past everything, and felt your pain. Somehow, I felt your pain. I felt it more than I've ever felt my own, I think.

Did I mean to snap?

I should say no...but I refuse to lie to you. I need you out of my life before it gets worse. I did mean to snap on you.

I don't want you to get close, Kimberly. I want you to run away from whatever I have to offer. As quick as you can, get the fuck away from me, before you're unable to leave. It's too late for me.

If I couldn't keep the one good thing I've ever had, then there's no way that I can keep the best person I've ever known. You.

I refuse to let you go down with me.'

I flipped past the different pages, before I saw a certain one that withheld my attention. My hand went to my mouth as I saw the image at the bottom of the page.

It was a drawing of two people. One was flying toward the sky, a smile on her face, wings sprouted out of her back as she looked upward. The other person, a man, was trapped in a patch of overgrown grass, fire sprouting out from either side of him. A frown was on his face, his eyes cast on the flying angel.

My eyes raised to the top of the page, before I felt a tear slide down my cheek. The caption read 'the truth' I didn't want to understand what he meant by this page, but part of me was beginning to use the insight from Caylee's words.

Despite the shake of my hand, I somehow moved onto the next page.

'I want to tell you the truth, but can't you see? I can't. I fucking can't. It's your fault. It's all your fault.

You won't like what you see...you won't like me. If you see the truth, if you see what's really going on inside of my head, you would catch the first plane away from me.

I want you to understand, but then I don't. I want to make you happy, but then I want to make you feel the same shit you've doomed me to for the rest of my life. It's your fault.

I've spent the past seven years picturing the things I'd say, the things I'd do to you. That entire time, I never thought I'd actually see you, again. There you were, though. You came here, and you made it so easy to start my plan.

Except when you didn't. Except when I started to dream of you. Except when your smiles and your laughs were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. Except when I started wanting to be around you. Except when I realized why you're one of the most selfless people in this world.

By the looks you give me, I know that I can hurt you. I was supposed to hurt you. I'm supposed to hurt you.

I can't hurt you.

I'm not a monster.'

I flipped the next page.

'I'm not a monster,' it read.

I continued to flip the pages, but those four words were the only thing on the remaining spaces. Just as I flipped the last page, I found another entry.

'I'm the monster who has fallen for the most purest angel. I'm sorry. I'll let you go. I won't tell you the truth for your own sanity. I can't hurt you. I won't.'

I slammed the diary shut, my lungs vacant of air. I clutched my chest as the entries continued to taunt me.

The words he had written were too misleading. I couldn't pinpoint what he wanted me to learn from this. I needed a visible answer, even if it were one thing, I needed something.

"Lights out," my dad said through the crack of the door.

I turned my head to the door. "Hey, dad," I called out behind him.

He looked over his shoulder, tired eyes straining against his glasses. "Yes?" It didn't take rocket science to see that he was upset with me.

"I'm sorry...for today. I really am," I apologized to him.

I knew that I had embarrassed him. Even though Teresa deserved it, I practically disrespected him too. After the rage had stopped, the regret soon replaced it.

"Just get some sleep, Kimberly," he mumbled, before shutting the door behind him.

I sighed, head in my hands. The strain my ongoing thoughts caused would only cause a headache if I continued to stay awake.

I placed the journal underneath my bed, before pulling the blankets over my body. I shut my eyes tightly, preparing for rest. Before I was pulled into slumber, the reminder of my pain carried on through the tear that slipped down my cheek.

***

I buttoned my jeans as I heard the vibration of my phone. I reached for it, entering my password before reading the text.

Maggie: Won't be there today...caught something.

Me: Hope you feel better.

Maggie: Don't worry, I always whoop ass.

I chuckled at the text, before throwing a hoodie on. I entered the kitchen, to see my dad, Ryland, and Teresa.

"Phone?" my dad said to me, a hand out.

I looked at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"It's about time I arrange some type of punishment for your previously reckless behaviors, Kimberly," he sighed.

"What reckless behavior?" I asked, dumbfounded. I had only done what he wanted me to do, get out and live.

"Talking back to Ryland's mother, Kimberly, now cough up your phone," he demanded of me, hand still out.

I could see that Teresa was enjoying the show. Even though she was flipping pancakes, I saw her head turn toward our conversation. Ryland sat at the table, completely silent.

Anger spiked through my blood. "I only said the truth," I grumbled.

"And, that's another week without it," he said.

What the fuck?

At this point, I was completely confused. I understood that I talked back to the woman who wasn't even my mother, but I was turning eighteen in a couple of weeks. I think my dad was a little too late on the phone taking punishment he was trying so hard to enforce on me.

"I understand she's not your mother, but she's still an adult," my dad attempted to get me to understand. "And, you disrespected her, as well as Susie's home by your outburst."

I looked to my brother for help. He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he attempted to find something to distract from my eyes. I glared at him as he did nothing to help me.

I said nothing;it would only turn out worse for me. Instead, I placed the phone into his hand. I yanked my bag up roughly, throwing it across my shoulder.

"You don't want breakfast?" Teresa shouted after me.

"I'd rather not die of food poisoning just yet," I responded with an eye roll.

I walked to school, traveling the long route. I needed to release some steam before I did or said something I would regret later.

My dad never acted this way. With the influence of Teresa around, I could tell that she was the snake in his ear. I wasn't spoiled, by any means, but I knew that this wasn't part of my father's personality. He was a disciplined man, but he also remembered that he used to be a teenager as well.

I searched for Raven once I entered the school. She was nowhere to be found, so I decided to just go and use the restroom since the bell was mere inches away.

After I used the restroom, I left from of the stall. I focused my eyes on the water as I washed my hands, before I heard the bathroom door opening and shutting.

"Well, well, well," I knew without even looking who it was. "Look at what slut we have here."

I chose to ignore her. I went to reach for the paper towel, before she stepped in front of the dispenser.

I rolled my eyes. "Not in the mood, Amber," I mumbled, walking out of the bathroom.

I sighed as I heard her steps follow behind. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't in the mood for her tactics today.

"Oh, you're not in the mood? Yet, you're always in the mood to try and take my man," she spat in a envious tone.

I couldn't believe this girl. She was willing to get suspended over a guy who, may I add, didn't even want her as she did him. To hear her declare him as hers, as if he were property made my agitation flare.

"Just leave me alone, Amber," I attempted to end the conversation, but I knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"Leave Kade alone, you dumb little bitch," she shouted behind me. "Leave us alone."

This gained the attention of the others in the hallway, though the teachers were nowhere to be found. They never were, it seemed.

I kept walking, to who knows where. I could tell this angered Amber. I caught myself as I felt her shove me from behind.

Beginning to grow angry, I jerked around toward her. She was waiting, her lips rising in a sick, excited grin. "Look, Amber, I don't care about either of you, okay? So you can have him, and whoever the hell else you want! Just leave me alone."

She stepped closer. "I tried to be nice to you, but you just wouldn't stop! Don't you know?! Every time you kiss him, it will be me that you're tasting on his lips! It will be me he's thinking of when you two are fucking in the bed he had me in!" Amber shouted at me, her blonde hair out of place.

Something twiddled inside of me, something dark and treacherous. "I don't—"

She looked absurd to the public. Loose strands of hair poked from the very edges of her red face. Usual baby blues had red streaks that searched my body frantically, her anger evident.

She jutted her finger out, mere inches from my face. "Now you listen to me, bitch. If I ever see you near—"

"That's enough, Amber." I jumped at the boom in Kade's voice. I jerked around and surely, there he was.

"Kade—" I began.

He was by me in a few seconds. "Go to my car," he demanded of me, eyes hard set on Amber. When he saw that I wasn't going anywhere, one hand gently tucked me behind his stance. Then, he turned to face the crazy bitch in front of us.

I watched the scene unfold in front of me, entirely confused at the situation.

"Kade, baby," she shoved a strand of hair behind her ear. "I-I thought you were done with her. You said we were going to go back to normal."

His expression dulled over. "No, I didn't. You're just a sadistic, obsessive bitch who isn't used to being told no."

Her mouth fell as she eyed him. "What? You—"

Kade rolled his eyes. "Asshole, I know and don't give a damn already." His head flickered to motion at me. "But, I don't give a fuck about you being mad at me, but you better watch your fucking mouth before you try to threaten my girl."

His girl?

Even though Kade had me behind him, Ambers' eyes burned into me as if there were no barrier at all. "Are you serious? She doesn't have half of what I do. You're—"

Kade crossed his arms, snorting. "Her goddamn toe is worth a million you. You were a couple loose fucks; she's the girl who could have called and had me right here in a couple seconds if I hadn't came on my own. She's the one I'm here for, not you. Don't get yourself mixed up, because I promise you, there's no competition when it comes to her. Ever."

I stared at the back of his head, nearly melting into his backside at his words. I wasn't sure if he were trying to get Amber away, or if it he truly meant that, but regardless, it definitely had an impact on me.

Like a child, Amber seemed to be throwing a tantrum. She clenched her fists on either side of her, glare bouncing between the both of us.

"Can't you see? That bitch is trying to ruin us! And, you fucking her doesn't help anything!" Amber yelled, her eyes withholding unshed tears.

"God, why couldn't you just go home to your brothers and mother?" My eyes widened at her words. Her laugh poked at the bear. "Oh, what? You're gonna cry? Maybe I should call your mom, or maybe even one of your brothers."

What?

How did she know about my mother?

I jerked my head up to Kade, whose jaw was tight with agitation. My anger finally reached it's peak. I stepped up, before I felt the warmth of Kade's hand against my stomach.

"Stop it, go get in my car," he demanded past his shoulder.

There was no way I would run away. If I did, it would fix nothing. I needed to stand up for myself.

"You know, I really wish you would see the light, babe! Can't you see that she's not healthy for you? For us! We...we all know that she can't make you feel happy! She can't make you feel as good as I do," Amber struggled to get her words out without sniffing, along with a wipe of the nose. Of course, she was high. "You and I, we're meant to be."

I jerked Kades' arm down from my body; I didn't want his damned protection. "Amber, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you get it through your head that Kade and I aren't together?! And, even if we were, why would it concern you if you two were never together? It's pretty obvious that you've been sleeping with every other guy in the school, so what's the problem with him dating other girls? Grow the hell up," I scoffed.

If the sting hadn't followed, I would have never known that she had put her hands on me. It took me a second to realize that she had slapped me, but when it set in...

I snapped.

Kade attempted to push me away, since I guessed he knew of my intentions. I didn't quite know of what I planned to do, but all I knew, was that I wanted my lick back harder.

Kades' arms attempted to trap me but I shoved them so hard, I felt the air bounce back. "Kimberly, don't fucking do it," he growled at me.

I didn't know where I gathered the strength. But, when I shoved Kade away, it knocked him back quite a couple of steps.

With the power of rage on my side, I clenched my fist and cocked my arm in the position I'd seen Kade use so many times. With as much strength as I could muster in my being, I put in everything I had into this punch. It was a long time coming. I swung so hard, I thought I popped my own muscle.

The pop that followed satisfied me. Amber, as dramatic as she was, fell down, with a hand to her nose. The crowd around us seemed to grow, their cries loud.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" she shouted, her hand leaving her face for a slight moment. Somehow, I had caused blood from the impact of my punch.

"C'mon, time to go—" Kade began, a hand around my waist.

The principal broke past the students, his eyes widening at the sight. At my clenched fists, he marched toward me, his angry expression worn out.

"Kimberly, Amber, in my office, NOW!" the enraged principal demanded.

He helped Amber up, pulling out a curb from his jacket pocket. Once Amber caught my eyes, I didn't think someone could ooze anger, but this girl really bathed in it.

I didn't feel bad. Far from that actually. I felt proud of myself, I felt confident, I felt like I hadn't felt...ever.

The smile I wore was caused by the love I had for myself right now. I did it.

I stood up for myself. Against Amber. 

Just as my smile was beginning to grow, it fell. Amber stared me down as we both walked to the office. I frowned as I realized something.

This was far from over.