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"Loving you never was an option. It was a necessity." — Truth Devour

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Chapter 95
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I waved goodbye to my friends, stepping into the hall then finally out of the building. Kade was already waiting, a cigarette in one hand and propped against the building. Even though I had his car, I didn't drive it.

As usual, he put the cigarette out, then fell into step right beside me. Neither of us said a word, but just as it had been lately, it felt strange rather than comforting.

A month had passed since I yelled those words to him. I could see they affected him, but nonetheless, he never wavered in his effort. Each day, I continued to find different gifts and apologies at my door. And, every single time, I felt the guilt gnaw at my consciousness. Especially today.

Today was his brother's death date. Even though we weren't together, I was still linked to him. I didn't even think he knew that I remembered, but I did.

I could feel his grief in every step he took. I snuck a glance at him, but his eyes remained along the pavement as we walked.

The muscle in his jaw ticked, mouth down-set in a frown. My heart weighed so heavily with emotion, I had to stop. He mimicked my action a moment later, as if he'd been in a trance.

The hard line his mouth was set in broke. "Is something wrong?" he asked, examining me over. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, my fingers tightening around the straps of my bag. My lips parted, but nothing came out other than a sigh. I didn't know what to say, what to do without complications. Nonetheless, his pain left an impression along my own.

Finally, I edged past the uncertainty, meeting his eyes. The dark spots under them let me know that he hadn't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "About Kacen. I hope you know that I'm here to talk if you..." I trailed off, entirely unsure if I were overstepping the boundaries. "I'm here to talk if you need it, don't forget that."

Kade nodded in return, his adam's apple bobbing under the pressure. He moved his strangled gaze forward. He said nothing else as we continued to walk.

By the time we made it back, my mind was a mess. Usually, he led me into my apartment then went to his own. Now, he was entirely knocked off course, and it pained me to see it.

I stared at his back as he turned to his door. I forced my feet to remain still, the urge following right along with him. It would only take a couple of steps, but that could possibly lead to something that neither of us were allowed to have right now.

With a sigh, I shut my door behind me, pressing my forehead against the cool wood. With a grimace, I confronted some of the conflict.

I didn't even know what to say to him, but I could figure it out. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to go after him, to hold him, and hear the thoughts that he only trusted me with. But, what would that make us? I didn't want to confuse him even more than I had my own self. Inside, it would feel as if we were together, but we weren't. And, we wouldn't be.

I didn't feel right leaving him alone, either. That was the confusing part. His caresses, warm words soft touches, and reassurance flooded me without hesitation. I knew I wanted to return that same care, and acknowledgment. He had no one here, and despite that being his own decision, it didn't change the facts. I knew that he didn't trust anyone else like he did me, either. He didn't deserve to drown in his emotions, not today of all days.

Before I could stop myself, I was on the move. After I fixed the dish and grabbed a bag of gummies, I fell back into step. I checked on Pyper, but she was sleeping so I was good there.

In a matter of minutes, I was right back in the hallway. My knock seemed much lounger than originally intended, but I held my grimace to a minimum.

I heard shuffling behind the door before Kade opened it. His saddened expression contradicted my smile. His eyes fell from my own, and instead peered down at the plate.

"Hi," I said before cringing at myself. My voice was much more pitched than I expected. Immediately, I cleared my throat. "I brought these. I didn't know if you were hungry, or if you've already eaten, but..." I trailed off of my rambling as I shoved the plate at him. Like an idiot.

His grief seemed to melt by the smallest bit as he nodded. Tugging at his lip, his eyes drilled into the plate before meeting mine. "Do you want to come in?"

I wasn't expecting it, but I was here. I nodded before I overthought it, then stepped forward.

I glanced around the room as he shut the door behind us. It was pretty simple: a flat screen plastered against the wall, a couple of dark pieces of furniture and a similar kitchen.

Before I turned, I saw the book I'd given him on top of the countertop, a bookmark right in the center. A smile passed my lips at it.

His eyes followed mine before he took the steps to close the distance between us. "You didn't have to."

I shook my head, immediately. "I wanted to. I just...I didn't want you to be alone tonight." His expression softened until the angst took hold, again. His eyes glossed over before they fell to the flooring.

A heavy sigh fell from his lips before he removed the plastic wrap from the plate. As soon as he saw the gummies, his lips tipped. My own followed before I sat down to join him.

***

Kade glared into my soul as he picked up his eight cards. "This is bullshit. Pure bullshit."

I stifled my laughter behind my set of cards, throwing my winning set on the table. "Five losses in a row? Grandma Jacky would be so ashamed."

"There's no way in hell. I know you're hiding cards up your sleeve," he grumbled. "You have to be."

I shook my head around a giggle. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Quit being a sore loser." I may have used some of Grandma Jacky's trick, but I claimed these wins as my own, nonetheless.

With a roll of his eyes, Kade murmured something along the line of congratulations. My head fell back against the sofa in laughter.

Once I came to, I saw his eyes already hovering on me, a small smile ghosting across his lips. The admiration in his eyes left my skin all tingly in retaliation.

"You know... "His gaze fell as he stacked the cards back into place. "Kace's first curse word was when we played this game." His chest bounced slightly from a chuckle.

I tilted my head, a smile rising as I watched him. "Really? Tell me."

I'd been here for a couple of hours, so it had to be around midnight, now. Neither of us grew restless. At first, we were just in each other's company until I went she grabbed some games from my apartment. Kade's mood seemed to flourish into something a little less tragic as the night continued on.

I could admit that I enjoyed it, him, us. It'd been months since we were alone, no tension or fighting. It was just us.

Though it was partially hard to avoid the times we caught eyes, or even barely touched one another. We were holding off the inevitable, but until then, I enjoyed being the one to bring such a smile to his beautiful face.

Kades' eyes gleamed as he recalled the memory. I pulled my legs under me as he did, planting my elbow on the top of the comfortable sofa.

"I was teaching him to play," he motioned toward the cards. "And, I beat him. Little guy threw the cards right in my face, and called me a son of a bitch." Laughter poured from his lips like cool liquid, and I absorbed every drop of it.

I followed up with laughter of my own. "He's definitely your brother." I motioned to some of the cards we'd thrown around. "I think you may have invented a couple of new swears when you had to pull your ten cards."

Kade rolled his eyes at me, nibbling at the inside of his check to stifle his smile. When I caught it though, it left me right in shambles. I shook myself from the hold, despite it remaining right there, anyway.

"I'll go get us some more juice," I offered, reaching for his glass.

His eyes jumped to me. "I can go get it—"

I shook my head, quickly standing. "It's fine. Apple right?" When he nodded, I tried to keep my steps neutral as I retreated to the kitchen. The distraction was more than needed right now.

I needed to get myself together. I was here simply as a friend. There shouldn't be any complications in that. It was too confusing for both of us to alter that.

Every time his fingers barely grazed mine, every time I caught his eyes on me, watching and listening as if he never wanted to stop. Every time he said something so sweet, it left me flustered and in stammers...it all ended up going against every single blockage I thought was secure.

Dragging myself from my mess of a mind, I hurried and refilled our glasses. When I turned to face him, I saw his attention set on the blank wall.

His face was grim, brows knitted into a frown. My heart wrenched in pain as I watched him attempt to process his own.

Slowly, I approached him. His attention flickered from the wall and to me.

I offered a smile, one he attempted to match, but failed. I sank down into the sofa, hesitating as the thought hit me right in the face with its nerve.

It was a daring one, but so was everything else these past few months. The consequences may come, but until then, the temptation was dire.

I edged myself closer to him. His eyes jumped to mine, immediately, matching my stare. "Kade?"

I glanced down as I saw him press his hands into either leg; I hadn't even realized he was shaking. "Yeah?"

Mustering every ounce of confidence I could, I moved closer until our spaces mingled. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his body. Without warning, my body sunk into his as if it never left.

"What are you..." he whispered against my neck, before his hands fell to my back, gently furthering me into him.

His tense figure was beginning to relax against mine. "Let me hold you," I muttered, my voice barely audible as I squeezed him tighter.

I felt his body tremor in my hold. He held on as if he could never let go. For right now, I wouldn't let him.

"Are you sure?" I heard him ask, his voice cracking. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, baby. You don't have to if you don't want—"

I shook my head, shutting my eyes. His masculine scent furthered my grip, as it had so many times. "I want to." I could feel his skepticism worsening before his chest sucked in.

I felt him nod against me, settling us onto the couch. He fit perfectly against me, just as I remembered. I held my breath as he settled along my chest, his arms tightening around my waist.

We remained like that, just holding one another. My fingers ended up in his hair, then his neck. I retraced every single place my lips had been so many months ago. His eyes fluttered shut at the feeling.

I knew he wasn't asleep, but we both remained silent as we embraced one another. It was too comforting, too undeniable. For the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

"Kade," I muttered his name, retrieving his attention. "I was wondering if there was..." my words fell into a whisper as he raised his head, his eyes meeting mine. It hit me like a brick.

I watched his gaze fall to my lips. My mouth grew dry the longer I dawned on my next actions. The way he watched me made my body grow hot to the touch—it was the same desire from the cabin.

I told myself I was only doing it to make him feel better, but I knew better. Past the doubts, I knew that I wanted it just as bad as he did.

I nodded, and that was it.

Kade lifted himself until he was on top of me. His fingers traced the curve of my lips, his eyes never once falling. I watched the conflict drum along his expression past the desire.

Carefully, my hands pressed against his heating cheeks. His forehead went flush against mine as I murmured, "It's okay." I felt him nod against me before he followed up on it.

Each tempting second that passed felt like the longest ones in history. His fingers trailed along my skin, ceasing at my pulse as if he wanted to claim this moment forever, before he craned his neck. I lifted my own, and finally, we were connected to one another.

His lips moved against mine slowly, as if we were both absorbing every single thing, every single emotion, every word, from this one kiss. It'd been months, but our dance was too familiar. My blood boiled right under my skin at it, him.

I granted his tongue permission past my lips, entirely giving in. His moan vibrated all the way through my toes, hands falling from my face, and to my thighs.

He deepened the kiss, hauling my legs to his waist, and tugging me down to him. I tightened my hold, weighing my hand at the back of his neck as I went in for more.

Kade pulled away first, chest heaving. Even through our clothes, I could feel the heat radiating from him. His excitement was pressing so deeply into the navel of my stomach, it nearly caved me in right then and there.

His eyes were hooded as he dazed down at me. "Are you sure, sweetheart?" He left a gentle kiss to my forehead. "You know that we won't do anything you're uncomfortable with."

I nodded, my fingers trailing to the back of his head. His lips parted for a sigh as I traced through the strands. "I'm sure."

Kade breathed out a sigh, nodding. My body heated as he gazed me over.

The miss, the want, and desire was strong. It was overpowering anything else. We would have time for slow later, but for right now, I knew how badly we ached just to revisit the other's pleasure.

His hand fell to the button of my jeans, nearly ripping the piece off with urgency. I did the same for him, but it was easier since he didn't have a shirt on. Either way, the longer he was dressed, the more frustrated I grew.

Kade chuckled at my expression, but I only caught a quick glance of it. His head fell between the crook of my neck, immediately latching onto the spot that required attention the most.

His lips sucked, and teased while his teeth possessively grazed the tender skin for himself. The deep rumble of his voice bounced through me as he ground out, "I've missed you so fucking much, sweetheart."

I didn't stop my smile from following, but it was cut short as his hand slipped past my panties. My body was already yearning for need for him, all he had to do was address it.

I knew he caught it, as well. His finger sunk inside of me without issue, immediately curving for the perfect edge. Just as a moan slipped from me, he was setting me off with his urgency. Another finger was added to the mix, moving to the speed of lightning.

"Fuck," slipped from me in a whisper as I attempted to grasp the pleasure.

Kade's desire was painted perfectly. His free hand latched onto my wrists to hold me, bringing it just above our heads.

His lustful eyes traced over mine. "You're already so wet for me, sweetheart. That's my girl."

I didn't even have time to offer a retort before he was moving. He was forced to draw his fingers out, earning a groan from me. Just as the sound conjured in my throat, he had me, again.

Kade fell to his knees in front of me, parting my thighs back open with strong hands. Without warning, he wrapped that same grip around my ankles, tugging me down. He placed either of my legs on his shoulders, so that I was bare to him.

I knew he'd seen me naked, many, many times, but this was different. It'd been months since we had each other physically.

The way he was looking at me was what diminished my insecurities, though. His hooded eyes were gazing over my body with such appreciation, I didn't have a choice between confidence and want.

His eyes raised to mine, a grin following before he tightened his grip on me. "I can't wait to have this beautiful ass of yours on my face tonight, sweetheart," he mumbled out, but before I could offer anything in return, he was diving in.

It was like he was reading right through me, already having claim and knowledge of my wants for the night. I didn't even need to voice them with him.

My legs slumped on his shoulder as he inserted his finger back inside of me. His tongue flattened against my clit, alternating between long, slow and mind-numbing licks, and fast, mind-warping flicks.

I couldn't find which one to focus on. How deliciously his tongue was working, or how perfectly his finger was bucking inside of me until he found my sweet spot. It didn't take him long to do either one.

My moans only furthered his own. As soon as I arched my back into his mouth, his free hand slipped under me, fingers digging into the flesh of my ass.

"That's it, sweetheart," he coaxed, the deep timbre of his voice buzzing against me. "Let me hear you."

I did, without shame. It was impossible not to.

His eyes raised to mine, the desire in them only growing as he watched me attempt to maintain a resemblance of sanity against the pleasure. His attention fell to my clit all over again.

While his teeth gently tugged at it, his tongue lapped over the bud without patience. Fuck. I didn't try to fight it.

My head thumped against the cushions as the wave of arousal hit. It washed over me until I was forced to drown in it. My screams bounced off of his walls as I exploded for Kade's taking.

And, that he did. His moan of satisfaction sounded out through the space as he lapped up every drop until he had me shaking under his touch.

He didn't hesitate, or give me a second of recovery. To the speed of lightning, he was off of his knees, and back to me.

I accepted him, wholeheartedly, gathering his face between trembling hands.

"Fuck," he hissed, his lips falling to mine. In between kisses, he murmured, "I've missed the taste of you on my tongue so much, sweetheart. I'll never get tired of it."

His crudeness left me giggling in our kiss, causing his lips to tilt into a smile along mine. I took it, tightening my arms around the back of his neck. I didn't want to let go, not at all.

His cock was more than ready, from what I could feel. It was digging into my stomach without hesitation, just waiting for me to address it.

My hand slipped down the muscles of his chest, his stomach, earning a shudder from him, in return. Just as it grazed the head, Kade shook my head off, despite how quickly his cock jerked at my touch.

Kade's hands fell to cup either breast, his fingers latching onto my hardened nipples. "Fuck that," he grumbled against my lips. "It's all about you right now, sweetheart. Only you."

I ground out a sigh, raising my hand to his chest, again. There was no point in arguing against it since I was just as needy to have him inside of me.

Ever since Kade and I started sleeping together, I noted something about him at first. He never let himself get the pleasure first, it was always me. As long as I came first and more often than not, in multiples, then he would take his. I'd persuaded him a couple of times to put his own first, but the man was stubborn.

His cock licked at my slit so temptingly, it was taking every ounce of restraint to stop from turning this over, and straddling him myself.

Since I was still on the pill, there was nothing physically holding us back. Breathing out a shaky sigh, I nodded, placing a kiss to his warm cheek. "I want you."

That was all it took.

Either of our moans blended in with the other