Chapter Thirty-Eight- Too Many Emotions

Bailey's Pov

As the days went by I felt like my feelings were tearing me apart from the inside and there were so many I didn't even know what the hell I was feeling anymore. I was angry, sad, depressed, happy, anxious, violent, tired, scared and the list goes on.

Julian was at a loss on what to do any I couldn't rely on him to always fix everything. He had his own problems and I'm not stupid enough to think I was the only one hurting from Lacey's suicide.

I still don't know why she did it, what changed in only a few hours? The feelings that were starting to scare me the most were that I understood why; I understood that she wanted to take her life and that she didn't want to live anymore because I felt those too sometimes.

Sometimes I entertained the thought of doing it but seeing Julian smile at me or hearing him tell me he loved me made me feel sick for even thinking about it. I would never forgive him if he followed Lacey and I don't want him to feel what I would feel.

I know I should be stronger but right now he was the only connection I had to this world, he was the only think that kept those thoughts from my mind. I already almost relapsed so how the hell am I going to make it out there?

There will be temptation and I know Macy's going to come to collect, how am I going to be able to resist her? She loves fucking everyone's life up, it makes her feel good inside I guess so if she could drag me down again that would make her happy.

I think that I was taking a toll on him too because I know he's been leaving me at night after I fall asleep probably because he can't stand all the crying and the depression. I was going to bring him down too.

I know he loved me and I truly loved him but there is only so much I can ask of him and he's already done so much for me. I know he would even put off being released for me too and I can't let him do that.

I just can't stand hurting him anymore. I can't stand the emotions I fell and I can't stand not knowing what I'm even feeling. I hate crying I hate being sad and everything would be okay if Lacey wasn't so fucking selfish!

How can she just do that without thinking how it would affect me or Julian, let alone her freaking family who would do anything for her and absolutely adored her! She was lucky, she would have had a family to go home too, people to support her.

I was just angry all the time at her but then I would be upset because how can I be mad at her when she's gone, I loved her and it's not right for me to be angry but at the same time I was because she was gone and it went back and forth.

I just didn't know what to do and Robert was trying to help but maybe I just wasn't letting him because I didn't want it. Maybe I was tired of everyone helping me and not knowing how to help myself.

This was my mess and I should be able to fix it without dragging everyone else down too.

Julian was already spending as much time as he could away from me without it being suspicious but I knew. I knew he didn't want to deal with all my problems anymore. He was doing so good, even with Lacey and the problems with his family, he was handling it well.

He didn't sit there crying about it he accepted it and accepted there was nothing that could be done to take it back, he was moving on while I was dwelling in the past, dwelling on why.

I just couldn't accept it without knowing why.

"Hey pretty girl." Julian tried to wrap his arm around me but I just shrugged him off and went to curl up into bed "What's wrong?" he asked and I shook my head. I didn't want to talk I didn't want to get into this now.

I just couldn't fucking handle anything else going wrong in my life right now because I may go fucking crazy and follow Lacey's lead. I couldn't stand it anymore I just couldn't!

I fucked everything up; my health, my life, my future. My brother can't stand me, my parents don't care, Lacey's dead, I'm in debt to Macy and I'm just bringing everyone down.

I hurt people and I make them suffer and I just can't live with that and I don't know how to change it. I feel so unproductive and like all I can say is the same thing over and over again because I just don't understand.

I was growing frustrated with my internal debate when he put a hand on my hip and I pulled away again.

"Stop." He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled my body forcibly back to his and even though I struggled against him he wouldn't let me go

"Would you just leave me alone?" I asked annoyed

"No." he's so fucking difficult

"Why?" I asked feeling choked up again

"Because I love you. Talk to me baby, tell me what's wrong." He said encouragingly

"Why does it even matter, you won't love me after you leave!" I accused and he sighed in annoyance because he's tired of hearing it but guess what, I'm tired of feeling it.

He rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him so I was straddling his stomach and I emotionally felt exposed to him in this position which was something I hated. He put his hands on my face and just looked at me for a minute.

"Bailey Marissa Chandler, I love you not just yesterday and today, not just tomorrow or while we're in here but I will always love you. I love you for your faults and I love you for your strength. I love you because you aren't prefect and I love you because you make me want to be a better person. I love you because you annoy me and irritate me. I love you because you're obsessed with Disney movies and I love you because even though I know you hate it you always open up to me and leave yourself emotionally naked. I want to know your problems and when you struggle. I don't like it when you close yourself off from me because then I can't help you. I can't lose you like Lacey and I'm terrified that I will." He was choked up too and I put my hands over my face and cried. He sat up and held me tight and I wrapped my arms around him as I cried onto his shoulder

"I'm sorry." I whispered because even if he didn't know it I've thought about it and his fears aren't irrational.

"Don't be sorry baby, just talk to me; I need you to tell me what's going on."

"Why don't you talk to me?" I asked

"Because I don't want to stress you out more."

"But that's not fair to you." I pulled back and he gave me a small smile and brushed the tears away.

"Do you want to go separate ways when I leave?" he asked me seriously and I felt like my heart just could stop.

"Why? Am I too much?" I asked him

"Of course not but I need to know if you want me to cut ties when I leave, I need to know if you want to me with me."

"I don't know." I said honestly. I loved him but I was tired of hurting him

"Why don't you want to be with me?" he asked more than a little hurt

"Because you deserve better." I looked down not being able to meet his eye.

"Look at me." I shook my head so he tilted my face up until I could look him straight in the eye "Do you really love me or did you just say it because I did?"

"Of course I love you."

"Then stop worrying about that. It's not going to be like this forever."

"When is it all going to stop?" I felt the tears again

"I don't know pretty girl I can just tell you that it will. You're going through two different processes from drugs and your body still trying to get used to not being on Heroin, losing her, your family, it's a lot and no one blames you for needing help." He ran his hands through my hair

"I'm just tired of being weak."

"One day you'll realize how strong you are." he held me and put his chin on top of my head

"Maybe one day I'll actually be strong." I mumbled and I felt him shake his head

"You are and you'll see it eventually."

"I'm not." I said again

"Why?" he asked

"Because I've thought about it." he said and he stilled completely and I could feel his heart beat increase as his grip tightened around me almost painfully. He knew what I was talking about.

"No matter how hard things are they will get better. It won't be like this forever and just see how far you've come."

"But if she can't make it how am I supposed to?" I asked

"Bailey you can't do that." He pulled back to look at me and the pain in his eyes was killing me.

"I know, it's just a thought." I mumbled but we both knew there was no just about it.

"You can't compare yourself to her. She made a rash decision and I wish that she would have come to me so I could tell her what I'm telling you. I need you to tell me when you're feeling suicidal so I can be here. You can't just keep it to yourself like that and shut me out, it scares me."

"I know."

"Have you talked to Robert about it?" he asked and I shook my head

"I really think you should and it may be something to bring up in group."

"No." I said immediately

"If you're not comfortable it's your call but I can bet you at least some of them have those same thoughts and it may be helpful for you to talk to them."

"They'll think I'm a freak or stupid."

"No one's going to think that."

"I just feel like I put too much on you."

"I can handle it."

"You can handle both our problems?" I asked

"Yes."

"Then why are you still in here?" I asked

"Because I'm not ready to leave until I deal with the death and Robert agrees."

"Why don't you talk to me about it?" he laid back and I crossed my arms over his chest and rested my chin on them

"You know how I feel because you feel it too." He told me

"Why do you think she did it?" I asked sadly

"Don't you ever get angry with yourself when you're faced with your own reflection?" he asked me and I nodded.

"I think that's why she broke the mirror and I think the rest was just something she did without thinking about it."

"Maybe." I turned my head to the side and looked at her bed.

"Are you okay living in this room?" he asked and I nodded. Her stuff was still here like she was just away for a while but we all knew different. She was never coming back.

"What else is bothering you?" he asked me and I my eyes darted to my picture frames and I cried

"Drew?" he asked and I nodded. It hurts having your twin hate you.

"It's going to be okay." He held me and like he did every night he just let me get it out.