Chapter Ten- Vulnerable
Bailey's Pov

I sat in my room just thinking about everything. I came in here determined to be miserable, which I was, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to be totally miserable.

Well I knew the reason, I just didn't understand it.

I don't understand why he cared to stay with me and look after me. I don't understand why he insisted on staying the night with me, and I don't know why he's even talking to me. I haven't decided if I liked this or not through, I couldn't bring myself to go one way or the other.

This whole thing was simply confusing and I wasn't sure how to bring things up with him without making it awkward, what if he didn't know either and it was just an awkward staring match while we tried to come up with something to say.

What if he freaked out at the idea of being friends and after I was done with detoxing he wanted nothing to do with me and I made things awkward.

Once the water got cold and I started I started shivering I stood up slowly and grabbed a towel to wrap around my body and one for my hair. I winced with each step I took and sat down on the toilet seat to get some kind of break, I couldn't wait for this to go away either.

This was total rock bottom right now, I though as I looked to the side and into the mirror. I looked like hell. My face was pale, I was too skinny and the dark circles under my eyes looked like I got punched. I looked tired and just bad. on top of that I felt like shit, I still wanted to throw up I was still shaking, I was still having bad dreams, but at least it wasn't like the hallucinations I was having before.

I sat on the seat and groaned that I would have to walk all the way into my room and get clothes.

"Bailey" that voice, and I groaned again. how many times did the man have to see me like this. I felt weak and pathetic for having to ask for his help, I wished Lacey was here, her I was okay with seeing me like this, she was a girl, I just felt uncomfortable and awkward in front of him. I've never been naked in front of a guy before.

"In here." I said reluctantly and he opened the door slowly.

"Do you need help?" he asked and I huffed in frustration.

"It hurts to walk." I said and he came in and looked down at me, damn this guy was tall. Another thing I didn't like about this, I felt so freaking tiny compared to him because I was and that made me feel more vulnerable.

He came in and bent down and easily picked me up. I clung to my towel as he carried me into my room and set me down on the bed. He hovered over me after he set me down and I held my breath. He stared at me for a bit before he cleared his throat and straightened, allowing me to release the breath I had been holding.

"What do you need?" he asked

"I can get it." I said and I looked away feeling awkward again.

"Bailey, I can get it."

"I ned a bra and underwear, and I can get it." I said and tried to get up. He put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back on the bed while he rolled his eyes before heading over to my closet and opening the top drawer.

He grabbed the garments out and tossed them back over to me and turned his back to me to give me some privacy, which I was thankful for.

I slid them on and laid back down on my bed.

"I need a shirt." I said and he went over to my dresser again

"Which kind?" he asked

"A big t-shirt." I just wanted to put it on and curl up in bed and sleep some more. I was so tired, but I never slept well, granted I've been sleeping better since Julian has been here.

"I don't think you have one of those. It's all tight ones and tank tops in here." He told me and I laid back and groaned. My parents told me over sized t-shirts were tacky and trashy and thay never let me wear them, of course they wouldn't send me any, fucking perfect.

"My parents hated them" I said and sighed "I guess toss me whatever pajamas are in there, I just want to sleep." I complained like he would understand, like I would to someone I knew for a while not just a few days.

I can't believe it's only been a week since I've been in here.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt something hit my face. I snatched it off and glared at him and then tried hard not to drool.

Julian shirtless was such a sight to see and I adverted my eyes before he caught me staring and I looked down at the shirt that was previously on him.

"Thanks" I said and quickly slid it on.

"You're welcome." He eyes e curiously, in a way I noticed he's been doing since he got back.

"What?" I asked

"Do you mind me stating here with you?" he asked suddenly and I opened my mouth to reply.

"What?" I asked though the question was simple enough to understand.

"When I stay the night here, do you mind?" he asked again and rolled his eyes at me, he did that a lot, but I didn't really give a damn.

"No I don't mind, I sleep better when you're here." I said without thinking and then looked away when I felt my face heating up.

"Yeah, I sleep better too." He smiled a small smile

"I'm glad."

"Why do you sleep better?" he asked and I bit my lip, not sure I wanted to say it, I hated being vulnerable and emotional in front of him, I felt like it was a one way street because he's seen me through the worst of this, and I only know what he's told me, which really isn't much.

"This is my thing for the day." I told him

"Alright." He agreed

"I feel safer; I don't have as many nightmares."

"What are they about?" he asked and I looked at him and opened my mouth but couldn't bring myself to say what they were about so I just shook my head.

"Alright."  He said understanding I didn't want to talk and he respected that. Its one thing I liked about here, no one was too pushy, they pushed you enough but not more than I knew I could handle, if I really didn't want to talk about something, they would back up and give me the space I needed so I could talk.

Well that's what I got from them at least from interacting with Julian, Lacey, Kylie and Dr. Caulkins. I hoped it was true.

"My thing, I talked about you today in therapy, I didn't tell him anything you wouldn't want him to know, just about me mostly."

"What do you mean?" I asked suspiciously, I hoped that he didn't break that trust, I didn't need him knowing anything I didn't tell him, that would make therapy awkward for me and feel like a breach in privacy.

"He asked me how I was feeling about everything, why I wanted to be around you, I told him I'd been staying the night here, and he wanted to know why."

"What did you say?" I asked

"I'll leave that to another day." He smiled slightly at me "I'm still pretty damn confused about it all."

"That makes two of us" I mumbled.

"I feel the need to be your friend." He said suddenly and that brought me out of my thoughts.

"You want to be my friend, not just today, but an actual friend?" I asked him

"Yes. I want to be your friend, I like being around you." he was leaning against the door way while I sat on my bed.

"Why?" I asked

"You treat me like a normal person; to you I'm not better than anyone else. You don't want fame, you don't want money, and you don't put up with my crap because I am famous. You're different." He said

"My mom was a model before she had me. Fame isn't something I care much about." I shrugged

"Are you hungry?" he asked and I nodded

"I can go get us some food."

"You're staying again?" Lacey walked in and I smiled at my bubbly roommate. I was so determined to hate her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She was just the type of person you want to smile around. She brought cheer into a dreary situation.

"Yeah, I was going to get dinner, do you want some?" he asked her and she shrugged

"Sure." She plopped down on her bed and he rolled his eyes at her, they did that a lot with each other's actions, I got the feeling they didn't like each other so much.

"So when do you start therapy?" she asked

"I have regular tomorrow, and I start group in a couple days." I said nervously. I didn't know what to expect.

Right now, I could live in ignorance. I could pretend that this was just some time away, that I was making new friends and that life was good, I could pretend I could go home soon, but as soon as I started therapy it was going to be a big slap of reality.

I knew that the anger would come back, I knew the steps through loss, I knew the emotions involved in all of this, and I had done everything I could to not go through this. for the past year I had dreaded this moment whenever I had gone too long without a fix, and now it was here.

I would have to face the consequences of what I had done, this was the first step and I already hated it. I laid back in my bed and ignored the curious look Lacey was giving me. I just wanted to be home now. I turned to my side and curled up away from them.

I was suddenly tired of seeing Lacey happy, of Julian getting better and of them seeing me so weak. And for the millionth time this week I thought of how much I hated being weak, vulnerability gave people the chance to hurt you, and when you hurt you were weak.

I didn't want to cry but I found the water forming before I could stop it and tasted the salty liquid as it fell down my face, I just wanted to go home, I didn't want to do this. I willed the tears to stop, but they wouldn't.

I heard Julian come in and after a few seconds the bed dipped and I felt his arm wrap around me pulling me against him, and I was tired of him comforting me too, I wanted everything and everyone to go away so I did what I was good at; pushing people away from me.