[Chapter Four] Denial To Anger

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Chapter Four – Denial To Anger
Bailey's Pov

I woke up feeling like shit, but I felt less tired, for the past few days I haven't slept, when I try I get nightmares or I toss and turn. The only time I slept was when I pretty much passed out. I felt so sick right now, and I was still shaking but I still felt better.

And then I noticed that I was sleeping on what felt like bricks. I looked down and realized that it was not my bed underneath me.

I yelled and moved away and was about to tumbled off the bed when arms shot out and pulled me back to the very muscled body I was not back to laying on. I was shaking so bad until I realized that it wasn't any kind of dealer that attacked me, I was in rehab, and it was safe here from them.

They couldn't get to me, they couldn't hurt me.

And then I wondered who the fuck was in my bed.

I looked up and his eyes were staring directly into mine, I jumped a bit in surprise to see eyes looking at me. Why was Julian in my bed?

I got lost a bit in his eyes and I couldn't think. They looked at me curiously, like he was trying to figure something out, but couldn't piece it together.

I thought and thought and it hit me that he was in the bathroom with me before I passed out and that was about all I remembered. So I still wasn't sure why he was in my bed. I was still in spandex and a sports bra and he was in sweats with no shirt.

I started at him and he stared back. Neither of us moved neither of us spoke; we just stayed where we were.

I was lying on his chest with my legs between his and my hands on his chest. His arms were still wrapped around me from when I almost fell. His hands stared making small circles on my bare back and I relaxed. I was still shaking but I calmed just a bit. I felt so tired still and I didn't want to move.

Why was he acting this was towards me, he seemed to hate me before, he threatened me and couldn't stand me at his table, so why was he here and taking care of me? Why did he come into my room in the first place to take care of me? Why was he being so kind?

I didn't know, and I couldn't find the voice to ask him at this moment because for the first time in a long time I felt safe, protected. I knew that was stupid since we've been at each other throats, but it didn't change how I felt.

I broke eye contact and laid my head back on his chest and closed my eyes. I could feel his breathing accelerate slightly as I felt it more as I put a hand on his chest and brushed my fingers over his skin.

I lay there in peace with him for I don't know how long, it felt so nice to have human contact with someone who I wasn't sharing drugs with, who wasn't groping me, who wasn't trying to pin me down and take advantage of me.

This was normal, safe, he wasn't trying to harm me, he wasn't doing this with any ulterior motive that I could think of right now, but I still wasn't sure why he was doing this and the thought nagged me.

His arms tightened around me and I fell back asleep, with him here the nightmares didn't come.

I woke up some time later and was moving around, I was going to be sick. His arms tightened in his sleep and I panicked.

"Julian, let me up I'm going to be sick." He bolted upright and picked me up to bring me to the bathroom. I barely held off as I was heaving again, but nothing really came out. I was shaking and sweating and I was hot and cold. I felt horrible, but not as bad as this morning.

He brushed the hair back from my face and grabbed a hair tie to tie it up in before he rubbed my back, the gesture was calming and I leaned back against him when I stopped. He was so big compared to me and I felt so fragile. I should feel terrified, if he really wanted to, he would hurt me, take advantage of me, kill me, but I didn't feel scared.

His arms wrapped around me and he pulled me to his chest, and for the first time since I was a child, I broke down in front of someone. I cried and he held onto me while I did it.  He wasn't freaked out or pushing me away but the opposite which made me cry harder.

I cried because I truly realized how much I fucked my life up, it hit me before a bit, but now I felt it suffocating me. The pain I felt from a family who ignored me. The pain I felt for what my brother said. I felt disgusted at the things I put in my body, the thing that was still flowing through my veins, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself.

But most of all I was angry. I was angry at myself, I was angry at my brother, I was angry at my parents, I was angry at Julian, at Lacey, at Macy, at my friends, at this whole place, I was angry at everyone and everything.

I didn't want anyone around me, I hated them they didn't deserve to see me like this, and I didn't deserve to have anyone take care of me. I got myself into this mess, and I didn't want any help getting out of it.

"Don't touch me" I screamed and he let me go. I stumbled away from him and he just watched me.

I already missed the comfort of him, the safety, how he calmed me, how the shaking was in the background and not in the forefront.  B

But I would not allow myself to feel that way. I barely knew him and I didn't want to know him, I wanted to be left alone. I was good at being alone. I thought bitterly to my parents who didn't give a second thought to leaving me alone.

I didn't need anyone now, I didn't want them.

I walked into my room and picked up a frame with my 'friends' in it and I threw it against a wall. I heard the sound of breaking glass and  felt satisfied as I yelled.

I grabbed the next one and threw it too and with every picture I broke I was yelling louder and louder until I was screaming at the top of my lungs, I screamed until I felt light headed.

I grabbed what I could I just threw it, I smashed the wood of the frames against the walls and I tore at the pictures of my family, of my friends until I picked up the one of my brother and I when I was little at a baseball game.

I looked at it and I screamed some more.

He left me! He didn't care about me, and then he had the audacity to say what he said to me, out of everyone, he was the one I was most angry with, but I couldn't bring myself to tear at the picture.

I took a step back and looked at the destruction I caused. There was glass everywhere, pieces of paper, make up, my bed was a mess, and I didn't care.

I was happy, happy that this room looked as good as I felt inside. And then I was angry all over again.

Everything in here was guilt money! My parents didn't give a damn about me and then they paid all this money to have me here, sent electronics, sent nice clothes, I wanted to destroy it all, break everything in here that wasn't Lacey's.

I looked around me and went to grab my laptop and IPod to break those too, my parents bought them and I wanted to destroy them like the destroyed me, when a pair of arms wrapped around me.

I yelled and screamed, I kicked and tried to get away but they wouldn't budge. I got some good kicks in but he wouldn't let go. He grunted in pain and I slumped in defeat. He went to the floor with me.

I felt his arms around me and then smaller ones in front of me before everything faded away.

Julian

I watched her as she curled back up to me in fascination, and again when she cried as I held onto her and then she just lost it. I let her go when she yelled at me too, and I knew what was about to happen. She had finally accepted she had a problem; she was out of denial and onto the next stage, one of the most difficult of them all, Anger.

She walked into her room and looked at a picture, it was of her and a group of friends and she threw it at the wall. I stood there and watched her as she yelled. She grabbed the next and threw that one too, each time she was getting louder and was screaming.

I was surprised that no one was in here yet, this little thing can scream.

And then there they were.

"What the hell is going on!" Kylie was freaking out with the doctor and Lacey right by her side

I looked over at her and shrugged "Anger" was all I said and I looked back at her.

"Why is she screaming?"

"Because she's angry, Kylie. Surely you know that." She looked away and nodded.

Kylie used to be an addict too, she works here now to help people like her beat it. She lost a lot of people to it, she was living on the streets and she really turned her life around.

She picked up the broken frames and threw them again and again until she was satisfied with how broken they were. She tore at pictures and threw the pieces around. Her bedding was tossed and this place was going to be hell to clean up, but they were also used to things like this here.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"She's going to be fine eventually. Let her grieve, let her be angry. I got her." I told them as my eyes watched her move.

I just watched her passively, I've been through this and I knew she had to go through it on her own. I broke so many things, punched holes in walls, flipped the bed, desk, and broke my share of laptops. I was just making sure she didn't hurt herself, well I was trying too.

I watched her pick up a particular picture and she started bawling before she started screaming again and tossed it to the side, I wondered who was in it, what was so important she couldn't tear it up like the other; she had no problem with those.

She looked at the room and I recognized the sick satisfaction with how she destroyed things. I knew that feeling well, and I knew she was hurting just as bad inside as the room looked on the outside.

She set her eyes on her desk and I just saw the glass around it. She stepped towards it before I could make my way to her and stepped in the glass but she didn't seem to notice.

There was blood on her body and I held onto her tightly as she fought me. She screamed louder and I didn't even let go when she landed some powerful kicks on me, how did such a tiny thing have so much power. She finally gave up or got too tired to fight and slumped.

I collapsed to the ground with her and held onto her. Lacey came over and wrapped her arms around Bailey, trying to give her any comfort that she could, I looked at her and she seemed to be fading, until she passed out. There was blood on her legs, hands, knees and feet. I carried her quickly to the infirmary. I stayed with her while Lacey went to the room with some people to clean up the mess of glass.

She did a number on herself, I have to say. They were pulling the glass from her body and bandaged it all up. Her legs were mostly blood from other parts of her body, but her feet, hands and knees got it pretty well.

I hoped she wasn't squeamish with blood, because those were going to be nasty as they healed.

She was so angry the pain didn't register as she hurt herself. Another thing I knew well. Most people cried and screamed, maybe threw things around, breaking pictures was a common one, a handful like Bailey and myself; tried to destroy everything.

Pictures of people are a big one, because you're angry with anything and everything, and they remind you of the addiction, of just everything bad.

I turned those thought into something more productive, I've gained a bunch of muscle since being here, and I instead hit a punching bag, swam, worked out, and ran. It really helped to get rid of the excess energy I had and it was a lot less expensive than replacing things all the time.

Maybe I could get her to come with me sometimes.

When her room was cleaned up and she was cleared to go I picked her up and carried her into her room, and it looked like nothing just happened in her, but a lot more plain. Her photos were the only decoration she seemed to have. I tucked her into her bed and sat on the side of her bed and looked at her.

I looked around and saw the picture she kept. It had to be her as a little girl with a boy who looked close in age. They looked so similar you knew they were related. This was her brother, and you could tell from the way she acted that she loved him a great deal, but she also hated him the most right now.

I wondered what he did to her; it had to be something that had been going on for a bit, not just since they found out she was an addict.

I looked from her to the picture for what felt like hours.

And then like last night, I climbed into the bed with her and pulled her close to me again. I don't know why I felt such a need to be close to her and make sure she was alright, but I just knew I did.

I also decided to to more in his Pov, this book is about both of them and i want you guys to see it from both sides as the book progresses

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