Song, better together by Jack Johnson on the side :)

Chapter Forty-Nine – Better Together
Bailey's Pov

I stayed as strong as I could for him but as soon as he walked out the door I went to his room to see what he left and I wish I didn't. I wish he left it in my room or something because seeing it so bare sent a pain to my chest. I grabbed a box and quickly made my escape from there and went back to my room.

I felt so alone, my boyfriend was gone and my best friend was dead, I was a drug addict and I'm only twenty years old, how the hell did I screw up my life so bad?

I fell back into my bed and curled up on my side, I could smell his cologne in my bed and I wrapped myself up in one of his shirts and I cried.

I didn't just cry those little sobs but the kind that shook your body and made your eyes burn a little,  no i cried those sobs that shook your body so violently it sent you to the bathroom to throw up as you cried harder.

I didn't like being alone, I wasn't good at it. I had Drew and when he left I started going to parties, eventually I met Macy and I had them and then I came here and now they were all gone and I was alone.

I couldn't look in the box so when I could move from the bathroom I brushed my teeth and laid down in my empty bed and I played with the ring he gave me last night which started a whole new round of tears.

It was only four weeks, only four!

I kept telling myself it would all be okay and I knew that when I got to be with him again none of this would be important anymore but it didn't stop me from like crap now, I wish I felt empty.

No, I didn't want that, I wanted to feel something, it made me know that I had something worth fighting for and I would, I would fight this feeling just not today.

I think I was allowed a couple days to feel miserable, I'm pretty sure it's in a handbook somewhere that when your boyfriend goes away for a month you get a few days to mope and be a total girl and cry and miss them.

If not, I don't care; I'm going to do it anyways.

I laid there until the urge to open the box was unbearable so I grabbed it and flopped back on my bed, setting it in front of me. I pulled out a notebook and a bunch of CD's with emotions written on them, all except one that just had my name on it.

I grabbed my laptop and put the last CD in there and let the upbeat music play. It was a little different; it gave me a happy feeling as I swayed along to the music. I didn't know the song and I didn't know who it was by which was a little disappointing, I didn't have a way of knowing who any of these songs were by since I didn't have internet.

        There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
        No song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
        Our dreams and they are made out of real things
        Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned lovin'

        Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
"        Why are we here?" and, "Where do we go?"
        And, "How come it's so hard?"
        It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
        I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

I listened to the music and it brought a smile to my face, when it was over I put another CD in that said sad on it because well, I was and as the songs played I looked at the notebook.

        'Bailey,
        I know you didn't think I opened up to you as much you did to me, read as much or little as you         want, inside is the real me and it's not all good but I love you Bailey, and if you read this you'll         see how much you helped me.'

My heart beat hard as I looked at those words, he left his journal here? I looked over at mine that I wrote in near daily and it was so personal, it showed every emotion I was afraid to talk about.

It would tell the world how fucked up I was, my inner thoughts, how much I hated myself and everyone else. I poured my heart and soul into it and I just sat there holding Julian's equivalent in my hands. Should in read it? did he really want me too?

Either he gave it to me and wanted me to read it and would be disappointed that I didn't or he just gave it to me and didn't actually want me to read through it, I didn't know what to do.

I decided I would open the first page and see what he wrote, his wasn't as thick as mine was though which meant he didn't write in his near daily like I did, which I didn't think he would. I didn't even expect him to write in one at all.

        I've wasted two weeks of my fuc king life here and since that son of a bit ch Robert will be         checking to see if I did this, may as well.

        There you go jackass, I'm writing.

        I feel angry, and you personally make me furious. I hate being here and I never thought they         were so fuc king twisted to put people through this shit. Let's see, I miss cocaine. I like cocaine.         What the hell is wrong with that? I don't have a problem. If I enjoyed fuc king golfing people         wouldn't have a problem.

        Kylie's keeping a hard eye on me, one other thing that sucks about being in here, no sex. What         the fu ck torture is that? What is so fuc king wrong with having a drink, taking a line and having         some chick on my di ck to fu ck me? Hey, sometimes all at once, do the line while she rides         you and drink some fuc king whiskey! Nothing, there is fuc king nothing wrong with that Robert,         you bas tard

I shut the book half way through his entry; I can't believe he actually wrote that, it hurt to read it honestly, why would he want to hurt me by asking me to read it?

"Hey Bailey." Kylie sat beside me and I looked over at her

"Hey." I mumbled

"You doing okay?" she asked and I shrugged

"Not really." I admitted, she knew what I was going through

"Feeling abandoned?" she asked me and I looked at her with wide eyes but she looked at me knowingly

"I know that it's stupid, I know he didn't abandon me and I know he loves me, but yeah, I am." I admitted and she wrapped her arm around me like a big sister would.

"My cousin is stupid but he absolutely adores you and him loving you is probably the smartest thing he's done. My fiancés name is Caleb. My father forced me into rehab and he was a lot like you where I was a lot like Julian. Caleb left first and when I sat here a lot like you are now, I felt alone and like he just abandoned me." She told me and I sighed.

"I know that it's irrational." I whispered because I felt so stupid right now for feeling like this.

"Doesn't matter if it's irrational to other people, it's how you feel and that's important."

"How did things go with you and Caleb?" I asked and she smiled

"We're getting married in two months; we pushed it back after what happened with Lacey." Her voice was softer when she said Lacey's name, we all did that.

"So there's a chance this will actually work when I get out?" I asked and she nodded

"If you're willing to work for it, trust me, just because someone understands and you have that bond, it doesn't make it easier. You're both going to struggle and fight. Julian may doubt if the relationship is worth the trouble sometimes. I slept around a lot before I was with him and we haven't slept together yet either, but I questioned if I really wanted to fight for him."

"If you doubt your relationship doesn't that mean you shouldn't be in it?" I asked her and she shrugged

"It's different with us Bailey, especially when we first get out and see all the things that are out there. Rehab is a big bubble, the bubble's safe but you have to step outside it to live your life."

"We're not going to live together when I get out." I told her

"You're going back home?" she asked, not too happy with that thought and I shook my head

"No, Julian's getting me an apartment, which I tried to say no to but that man is damn persistent." I gave up pretty quick on it really, I knew that if I fought with him about it I would lose and you have you have to pick your battles, you aren't going to win every one.

"Sounds like him." she said and looked down at the ring.

"He gave you the ring." She commented

"Promise ring." I told her and she smiled

"I know, he told me and I told him you would say no if you were smart, as a joke of course." She added which made me laugh a little.

"When did life get so complicated?" I asked and she shrugged

"I don't know. I'm twenty six and I feel fifty."

"I'm twenty and I feel thirty." I mumbled and she shook her head softy

"I always forget how young you are." she laid back on my bed and I laid down beside her

"Do you think I'm too young for him?" I asked her, I worried about that sometimes, was I too young for all of this.

"Caleb's twenty-four, same age as Julian but we've all been through a lot, I don't think you're too young at all." we laid there and I looked over at her

"What's your story?" I asked her and she sighed as she went on to tell me about how she got addicted and some of the things she did, I didn't expect her to tell me everything but I was glad she was open with me. I liked her a lot.

"God, when I hear that I feel stupid since mine isn't that bad."

"Trust me, if you would have slept with someone for drugs just once, things would have been a whole lot different and way worse. You would have done it again and you would have taken drugs more because you feel dirty and disgusting and want to forget what you did." I grabbed her hand, she really beat herself up over it.

"You're a great person." I told her and I could see her cry a little.

"Thanks Bailey. I know I seem put together but I'm still kind of a mess sometimes." She admitted

"I'm a mess too." I told her and she smiled

"I have Caleb and I have Julian, but it's different having another girl to talk to about it." she held tight to my hand

"Well you know where to find me." I told her and she gave me a nod

"Now I need to get back to work." She patted my hand and sat up and when I stood up she gave me a big hug

"Don't let my idiot cousin push you around, you're a strong girl. Welcome to the family Bailey." She told me and walked to the door

"Kylie." I stopped her and she turned to look at me

"Julian left me his journal and told me to read it if I want, should i?" I asked

"There's a reason he left it for you, I say you should if you're willing to put in the time it take to read it all."

"But the first entry, he." I stopped

"I know, It's the only one he showed me."

"I feel like a disappointment, it hurts me to read about him wanting other girls to fuck him, how he even had more than one at once." I looked down and she grabbed my hand again

"He's not trying to hurt you, just read it and when you get to the end you'll see, read it in order, don't skip to the end. That's my advice." She told me and left me alone to think about it. I stared at it some more and I decided to open it again.

I read more about how he missed fucking other girls, sometimes there were details in there and I'm sure he did it to annoy Robert, the whole thing was like a letter to him since he knew he would read this one.

When it was finally over I pressed play on the music again and flipped to the next one which was a couple more weeks down the line.

This time he was still angry, he talked about how much he hated this place which was normal, it was all the same thing, he was angry at everything and everyone and I could relate to that, it was like peering into his soul, I could see the real him.

I knew he wasn't this man now but he was and it was just another piece to the puzzle.

I got lost in his words as I tried to picture him this way, I could see it the first couple days I was here but ever since he sat with me that day and held me when I had passed out I saw him differently.

He was hurting and as I got to where he moved from anger and into bargaining, it broke my heart to read about him so hurt and so desperate, he wasn't a desperate man but he wrote about needing the cocaine and I even had to read about how bad he wanted to screw Lacey a couple times.

The thought made me sick and sad.

I read in detail about the things he wanted to do to her and I had to stop more than once to be able to read it all.

I skipped dinner and I know I should get to sleep soon but I couldn't sleep, It would take a lot of adjusting to be able to, so I read until I fell asleep reading.

Because I fell asleep reading, it didn't give me time to obsess about how he was doing right now, if he was sleeping, if he missed me, if he had already gotten another girl into bed, if he was okay and all those other thoughts that tortured you and kept you awake

But my dreams were far from pleasant as his words I just read tormented me in my sleep while my mind played out the details of his writing.