-Chapter Fifty-Two] Crazy Mother

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Chapter Fifty-Two – Crazy Mother
Julian's Pov

I didn't know how to feel about anything after I saw her, she was reading it and I obsessed for a couple days over it but I still don't know how I was really feeling about it. I tried hard to remember what I wrote in that notebook but I don't really remember, I know it wasn't good though and now she was reading it.

I know some of the things I wrote about her and I just hoped it didn't make her feel anymore insecure than she already did but I'm sure she will.

The thing that did help was her pushing me to do these auditions so I read the lines time and time again as I tried to get into character but only one of the characters really stuck with me, the other I could probably fake my way through.

One was a romance movie and I just had to think about her to do most of these scenes, to feel in love and the want to be with this fictional character while she's away and how amazing it feels to be with them when they're with me.

That, and I didn't really do sports movies, they didn't hold much interest to me.

I threw myself into preparing and for a few days I didn't think about anything else until I went to bed. For a few days there was no drug problem, no want for them, no need for a beer and I didn't obsess over how Bailey was doing.

I didn't leave my apartment unless necessary because it was like if I did there would suddenly be drugs everywhere, I know it was irrational but it was a hard feeling to get past and so unless my agent came to drag me somewhere or I needed groceries I locked myself in my apartment and just tried to get the lines perfect for something to do.

I still itched to grab my phone and call my dealer but like always when I wanted too I touched her necklace and knew she would be disappointed, I knew I would let her down, Kylie down, my mother down and Lacey down.

When it was time to go see my mother I was nervous, it's the second time I've seen her in years and the last time I saw her was when my agent took me over there and made me tell them what I was and I had to watch her cry as my dad pulled her off me when she tried to hug me, it was a terrible sight to see and it was a horrible last way to remember my mom.

I drove over to her new place, it was smaller and felt a lot homier automatically, apparently she didn't want to live in the old house where she spent so much time with my father, I didn't blame her, I probably wouldn't be going to see her if she lived there still, I would have made her meet me somewhere.

I pulled up into the drive way and I hesitated as I sat there for a while, should I go in or should I just turn and leave before she even notices I'm here.

I sat there so long she opened the door and leaned in the doorway waiting for me and then I had no choice but to shut off my car and go inside. As I neared her she was still the same woman I remembered but now she looked happier, I guess being without a monster as a husband has been good to her, even if she did spend a little while in jail.

They ruled that he pulled the gun on her and she shot him defending herself, therefore it was justified I guess.

"I didn't know if I would ever see you again." she said and she yanked me down to give her a hug. My mom was a shorter lady, probably only about five foot five, I was nearly a foot taller than her. My mom had dark hair that she dyed close to her original color when it started greying and she didn't look the fifty years that she was.

She got pregnant young with Sara and maybe that was why she stayed with my father, she felt she had no other choice, I didn't really know and now wasn't the time to ask, maybe I would get some insight one day.

"Well I'm here." I said as I straightened back out.

"Sober and clean too." She said looking over me and I nodded

"I've been out of rehab almost two weeks." I told her and she ushered me into the new living room.

"Well you haven't relapsed, that's good." She smiled at me, that motherly smile that said she was happy to see me but most of all she was happy to see me with clear eyes and a better attitude showing that I was indeed clean and sober.

"Nope, and I don't plan to." I sat on the couch and she sat beside me

"I'm happy for you sweetie, how's Kylie?" she asked me

"Getting married soon, clean and sober, happy." I informed her

"I heard she was getting married to a boy she met when she went to rehab." She looked at me and I nodded in confirmation

"She is, she's been great to me the past few months." I don't know what I would have done without her.

"Tell me more, what else has happened?" she asked and I didn't know if I wanted to tell her about Bailey, not that I was ashamed of her or anything but I didn't know if she would want me to.

"Good things happened, terrible things happened, I learned a lot." I said vaguely and she gave me a flat look

"What was so terrible, what did you learn?" she asked

"I had a friend; she was like a little sister."

"What happened to her?" she asked

"She killed herself a couple days before she was set to leave, slit her wrists." I looked away from her, I know it wasn't the welcoming and heartwarming conversation but I may as well get the bad out now so we can move up from there, that and I just really wanted to talk to my mom about it.

I know it's not manly, but I loved my mother and there was that part of me that just wanted to tell her everything and have her tell me everything would be okay in a way only a mom can do.

"Oh Julian, I'm sorry, I wish you didn't have to go through that again." she put her hand on mine

"It was worse this time, I saw her body mom. I was covered in her blood and I had Bailey and Kylie crying and screaming and she was so cold and, it was horrible. Having to sit there while they put her in a body bag and wash her dried blood off me." I haven't talked about it, Bailey wasn't in the right place to talk to about it and neither was Kylie, Robert was a therapist; I just needed my mom to spill my soul to right now.

"Come here." She pulled me to her and I laid my head in her lap awkwardly and for some reason it felt right to cry right now, she hasn't seen me really in years and I'm here five minutes talking about my dead little sister and crying my eyes out, way to be a man Julian.

"It was horrible." I whispered

"Who's Bailey?" she asked and that made me freeze for a second before it brought a smile to my face.

"Your future daughter, if I can convince her of that." I said and I pulled back to look at her shocked yet amused expression.

"You and Kylie really are too much alike." She laughed and I nodded

"Bailey and Lacey were like sisters, same addiction, close in age, and roommates."

"I want to hear all about her in a little bit but first I want to hear about you. How are you feeling?" she asked me and I wasn't great at talking about me

"I'm struggling but I have an audition tomorrow and then I see Bailey the next day and the day after that I have another audition so hopefully things will be good the next few days."

"Do you like the roles?" she asked

"One of them, yeah." She was always so supportive of me

"You know if you need someone you can always move in here so you aren't alone."

"I'm getting Bailey an apartment in my building when she gets out but she probably won't even sleep there, I won't be alone mom." I assured her

"I know you're an adult, but your my kid and please just be safe and cautious because you're too young for your own kids." She said and again, it was in a way only a mom could say it.

"Bailey's a virgin mom, we aren't sleeping together, rest assured there will be no kids until there's a wedding, there will be plenty of heads up for them." I chuckled and she sighed in relief

"Good boy, I heard all about you're shitty life choices mister, I wanted to come find you and smack some sense into you." she told me sternly and I felt like a child again

"Sorry mom." I mumbled and she patted my hand

"Just make better ones now. No diseases?" she asked and I rolled my eyes

"No mom, none."

"No secrets kids?" she asked and my stomach churned, I never thought about that one

"I don't think so, fuck I hope not." I mumbled and she sent me a pointed look

"Better not be, so when am I meeting my new daughter?" she asked and I grimaced and shrugged

"Probably not for a while, she's shy and not a people person." I chose my words carefully; I didn't want to make her sound like a bad person or anything.

"Sooner rather than later, I would prefer." She said "Now I made lunch." She stood up and my mom was always kind of, flighty. She was one place and then the other, on one subject one second and on a completely unconnected one the next. I missed this side of her, it was happier, she didn't have bruises on her body and she was still a little jumpy out of habit but not like she would be waiting for my father to come into the room and lay into one of us.

"So what have you been up to?" I asked her and she shrugged as she put a plate of salad down

"Just prison." She said and I choked on my food, how she could say that so causally way beyond me.

"Mom." I complained and she looked at me in that way moms do that expression you could never read but it always made you back up a step.

"It's true, I've only been out four days and I spent it moving out of that place, I'm having it demolished." She took a bite of her salad

"A little extreme." I said

"It's where he tried to kill me, where he beat us all, where I shot him, where my daughter committed suicide and where my husband raped my daughter. I don't think it's extreme to want that same place gone. And plus, he loved that place and the garden, it would make him roll in his grave if I demolished it all."

Man, she really hated him. I don't know if I should feel judgingly towards her but for some reason I didn't, he deserved what happened to him. He didn't just smack us around, he killed Mia, he tried to kill my mom and he raped and abused Sara before pushing her to kill herself. I hope he's rotting in hell far away from my angel's.

"Well then." I didn't know what else to say and she rolled her eyes as she grabbed the empty plates and placed fruit, cold pasta and sandwiches on the table.

My mom was quite the strange woman.

"Well we're almost done with the bad, we talked about a dead friend, Sara and now I say that you're father pulled a gun on me when I found a letter Sara wrote years ago as I cleaned out the rest of her stuff, he got my arm and I got the gun when I tripped his drunk ass and I shot him twice, once in the chest and once in the head. I'm in therapy and they told me I make jokes about it because I'm not ready to face thirty years of mental and physical abuse." She said and my jaw dropped as I listened to her, "Juice?" she asked and I looked at her like she had gone absolutely insane, she may have.

"Mom are you okay?" I asked her and she sighed

"No, I'm not but neither are you and there are things you don't want to talk about. We made some progress; we acknowledged some things and now let's move to a happier topic." She poured some juice for us both and set two glasses on the table

"I gave Bailey a promise ring; I want to marry her one day." I hoped she would be a good enough topic to distract us from the past, the past was painful.

"How sweet, now tell me everything." She smiled at me and I had to fight to shake what she had said earlier, I felt kind of like my head was spinning sitting there talking to her, it would take some time to get used to my crazy and blunt mom. Maybe Bailey and she would get along; it would be a sight to see really.

After we talked I went outside with her and helped her plant some flowers in her new garden and moved anything heavy around for her, helping her put boxes up so this place felt more like a home and I stayed until late and I had to go home to get sleep for my audition tomorrow.

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