[Chapter Fifty-Three] How He Sees Me

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Chapter Fifty-Three – How He Sees Me
Bailey's Pov

As I struggled through the first couple weeks of entries about me, things slowly started to change and the first change I picked up on was when he didn't write about how much he hated me.

He started talking about how I made him feel, and it was more than him feeling positive emotions, he talked about how I made him feel in general, how he as numb before to things but I made him feel these negative emotions because he wasn't used to feeling something for someone, and then it moved to how happy I was making him.

He said how he enjoyed talking to people again, how he smiled more, and I felt tears well up in my eyes when he talked about how I made him feel like himself again. I guess for some reason I thought he was just saying it but not meaning it, it took reading this to see that he actually meant it, that he really did love me.

I just don't know what to think about her anymore, I'm passed denying I have feelings for her because ignoring and denying them weren't helping, it was getting me absolutely nowhere.  She was just so sweet I know she's angry and doesn't mean everything she says.

I have never felt this way towards a girl before, it makes me feel like the kid I was in high school again, how I would feel when a girl I had a crush on would look at me, no matter how famous I get or how much muscle I put on, I guess a part of me was still that nerdy kid I was at heart.

So when she was straddling me I felt turned on but as soon as she kissed me, Jesus when she kissed me I never wanted to let her go and I felt so, I don't even know how I felt but it was great and I would take a little making out with her in my bed over sleeping with any other woman.

Wow, I really would.

Just writing the first thing that comes to mind really helps, I've known her a couple weeks and I would choose her over sex.

It surprised me that I was the first person she's kissed and fuck it turned me on too, her inexperience is so damn hot and I don't know how long this thing with us, whatever it is, will last, but for now she was mine, just mine and all mine.

I've never felt so ashamed of my past and all the people I've been with, she's so pure and here I am, I can't even remember half of them and I've slept with probably over a hundred women by now and I hated myself, I was disgusted with myself, I was disgusted with the things I've done to them and god I just hate myself, it was enough to make me want to do cocaine again.

Cocaine was the only thing I found that helped, it made me able to live with myself.

She was so good and everything I wish I could still be and I could never be good enough to be with someone like her, she's never going to want to so much as kiss me again when she knows what I did, she'll hate me and be disgusted with me too.

It was so weird reading his insecurities, he felt just as insecure as I did. It was weird that he thought he could never be good enough because he slept around and I felt I couldn't be because I was too inexperienced from him, but he doesn't want experience, as I read on that much was clear.

He was attracted to me and temped by me, he wanted to sleep with me but he wouldn't ever ask me to compromise my beliefs. He wanted me because no man has ever touched me and it was clear that he was a very possessive man, what is his is his, he doesn't share and he doesn't play around.

He would be the kind of guy to say something to any guy who looked at me in anything but an innocent way.

I got to the entry about the time we got in a fight and from there I knew it would be hard to read, it's going to bring up bad memories about just how he made me feel, how he made me feel worthless and disposable.

Reading these things now it's clear he didn't feel that way but at the time I didn't know that, next would be his father's death, my birthday and then Lacey's death, I would have to read his feelings on that and it would probably destroy me. I was hoping to get through that before I saw him again so maybe we could talk about it or something, I felt like I couldn't read it until I knew I would see him because I would be a complete wreck and selfishly, I needed him right after I read it.


 I didn't think I could hate myself more but I do. I can't believe I said those things to her and I feel horrible, she shut the door in my face and I'm not sure if I can make it right this time, I think I pushed her away for good this time, I guess it's a good thing for her because I would just end up hurting her worse later anyway.

I feel more alone than ever and it reminds me of how I felt after Sarah and then Mia died, how I felt so lost and confused and angry and sad and heartbroken, it sucked and I hadn't felt as happy and alive as I felt with her ever. I've felt worthless my entire life and she finally made me feel like I was worth something and I screwed it up, I always screwed everything up.




It's been three days and I can't bring myself to go and see her again because it would kill me if she slammed the door in my face again, I didn't want to face that things were really over and I was sleeping like shit without her. I had nightmares about Sarah and Mia, I had nightmares that my father came and tried to kill me again, I had nightmares that I did something to get Bailey hurt and I had nightmares about her with someone else, someone better. I missed her, hell I even missed that annoying brat referred to as Lacey, okay, I missed her a lot, and I adored the hell out of her.

I just don't know right now, I'm in a spin and I'm not very good at being alone.



Got a call, he's dead. I don't know if I should feel sad or relieved and that makes me feel terrible for thinking I could be anything but heartbroken over my father's death but I fucking hated him! I was glad he was dead and then I felt absolutely terrible because I shouldn't be. Here I was happy my dad's dead and people are losing theirs and would give anything to have them back.

I feel selfish and ungrateful but I can't bring myself to fully miss him or feel bad about his death, what kind of person does that make me, it makes me a horrible person, I just, I need to see her.



She actually took me back, she forgives me and I hope I don't mess it up again, I really don't want to use her, shit, I would love to have sex with her, but it's not what I fucking want and I don't know why I just can't get that through my head sometimes. Sometimes it's just what would be easier and I want to take the easy way out but as soon as I mention it or anything and end up hurting her feelings I want to take it all back and hit myself over the head with a baseball abt because it takes me hurting her over and over again to really remember that it isn't what I want!

What kind of person does that, how could this ever be something if I kept hurting her like this, I don't want to hurt her.

Her birthday's in a few days thought and I feel like I need to do something big to say I'm sorry even more, I got her a necklace that I knew she would protest against because in her mind it was too much but it wasn't.

I had more money then I knew what to do with and yeah, a lot was spent here but I had a one bedroom apartment a little outside the city for more privacy, it really wasn't expensive and I had two cars, granted one wasn't cheap but the other was totally normal, when I got my first big payout for a movie I wanted a fast car and I now have one.

I don't mind spending a few hundred dollars on her, it means a lot to her but the money isn't missed and it's well spent.

Lacey and I are taking her out to the beach, she hasn't gotten the chance to go down there yet and I couldn't wait, I knew she would love it and maybe if I was lucky, when I asked her to be my girlfriend she would say yes. I didn't want to lose her again and I wanted to find a way to show her I really did care about her.

I knew what was next, my birthday and my heart raced to read about how he saw that day, how he felt about things when he asked me out but there was that knot of dread in my stomach because two more weeks and I would have to read all about how he saw her death but it was different, I found her body and I was drenched in her blood.

I know he sat with me and it killed him inside like it did to me but I found her, she was my best friend, my sister, one of my rocks in life. She was one of two people who meant everything to me when I had nothing. She believed in me and she fought with me, she was so full of life that night and then out of nowhere that light, it was gone. It vanished and I can never fix it.

I obsess about it and I still can't think of a single thing that would suggest she would kill herself, I know she was anxious and nervous and stressed about leaving but I would have thought she would have come to me about it, we talked about everything.

In a few hours I'm going to ask her and it could either make or break things, what if she said no, where would that leave us? I just hope she says yes. Lacey knows something is up but she hasn't said anything, that girl could read people like a kid's book, it was frustrating! I hated to love that girl, my little sister, in my heart I felt like her big brother and when I got out I would have to, well I can't threaten any guys because she's not into them, and I can't really threaten to beat up any girls.

I'm going to threaten to have Bailey beat them up! That solves it all; if they hurt my little sister my girl will smack the shit out of them and I know for sure she has a nice punch.




I can't really believe she said yes, and now I am officially losing all my freaking masculinity and dignity because I'm so fucking whipped and I'm happy and I feel like a teenage girl right now, fucking hell what the fuck is she doing to me? I don't know if this is good or bad, I'm thinking good, but I'm not sure.

I mean if it's just for her than that's okay, I think. I don't fucking know.

I've never had to think about feelings before really, I never had them for anyone, I didn't have to just, I'm still me at least, I'm more me now than I have been in a long time and maybe the real me is a big fucking pansy, no, no it's not. But sometimes I feel like I am, she's my weak spot.

Well not weak, more like soft spot, that sounds a whole lot better than weak. She's not weak and she doesn't make me weak, well that's how I feel now, may change because feelings make you weak and what the hell am I even talking about right now, I don't fucking know but it's confusing and irritating.

Shit, this whole writing shit down shit is stupid... as shit. Yeah, that was a fucking stupid sentence, my mother would be so disappointed if she read this, she would think I didn't have an actual education.

Fuck.

I'M HAPPY, yeah, I'm very happy and that's where I think I'll end things, seems like a good idea.


I couldn't help but laugh at that one because even my brain was feeling a bit confused, he was so weird but I loved him. I read entries up until the night before Lacey died, they were all just as confusing, it was like the more he liked me the more he just didn't know what the hell was going on in his life, he was confused and unsure.

I think I'm in trouble because I just, I love her. I've been trying to fight the way I feel becauses I didn't want to be in love with her, it scared the fuck out of me but I can't push it away anymore, I'm here by myself so the girls can have a night to themselves and I miss her like crazy, I don't want to spend a night away from her ever, I don't want to lose her, I don't want to wake up one day and she's not with me, I don't want her to ever not be mine but the problem I'm having is that I don't deserve her.

She's so good and pure and sweet and innocent and she's feisty and frustrating and beautiful, she's everything good and everything my mother could ever want me to have but I just feel like if she was with me I would do nothing but drag her down.

I don't want to be a bad person anymore, I want to be the kind of man that's good enough to be with someone like her, I want to be the kind of man that she can count on, I want to be reliable and good and honest and kind, I want to be a man my mother would be proud of, but what if I can't be.

What if I hurt her, what if I decide it's too much for me, that being an honest and good man is just too fucking difficult and it's easier to not be with her, I can't put her through that but I can't let her go.

I know she's never going to believe me about any of this.

She has such a low image of herself and I just don't understand why, I wish she could see herself the way I saw her, because she's a light in my dark and depressing life. She's so smart and I love sitting there watching her reading, the looks she gets on her face, you can almost read all the feelings in them by watching her face.

She's so funny, I've never laughed as much as I have with her, I never really smiled before I met her.

Her laugh makes me want to just listen to her all day and the way her smile lights up her face I could just watch her all day too.

I love the way she talks in her sleep and how she clings onto me, always making sure we're cuddled up all night and I love when I wake up and her hairs a mess all over the place and she's on top of me, her fists balled on my chest. And I really love that she doesn't snore.

I love everything about her; I just love her, all of her, her insecurities and strengths. Just everything.


That was the last one I read and I read it over and over again, I've been reading it as much as I could and it was so weird how I went from reading about how much he hated me and how he wanted to fuck anything that moved to him talking about how much he loves me. I didn't know how to feel about this but the way he talked about me, it was like I was this perfect girl surrounded by light that could make every single problem better.

Through his words I felt beautiful and like I was worth something, through his words I felt loved and cherished for pretty much the first time in my life and that was what brought tears to my eyes.

I wasn't loved by anyone but my brother all my life and then he left and I felt worthless and unlovable but him and Lacey showed me that I was worth so much and I haven't dated before so Julian made me feel loved in that way for the first time and it felt amazing. I loved being in love with him and I loved that he loved me.

We had so much farther to go but I felt untouchable as I read this part over again until he called and we talked about his audition tomorrow.

"I read to the night before she died." I told him later in our conversation

"Are you alright?" he asked and memories of that night flashed in my mind

"I can't read it, Julian." I said quietly

"You have to baby, it needs to be done."

"I can't." I felt tears spill down my face

"We need to talk about her." he wasn't doing much better than me.

"But I just can't go back to that day." I protested

"How about you read it when I come see you, that way I'll be there for you if you need me. But  pretty girl, I think you need to read it, you need to see someone else loved her too and misses her, you shut the world out and I think you need to know how it felt for other people too."

"How about you read mine from those couple weeks and I'll read yours." I suggested because I knew he was right, it needed to be talked about. I know he wanted to know how I felt about it since I didn't talk at all to anyone.

"Okay. Now let's talk about something happy before we have to go to bed." He changed the subject not wanting to dwell on it anymore during this conversation when it would take up almost the whole day when he came to see me.

He was great at keeping me distracted as he talked about his mom some more and I talked about Drew. I couldn't wait to see him the day after tomorrow.


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