Chapter Fifty-Four – Next Steps
Julian's Pov

I was nervous for this audition, if I didn't get it I would feel like a failure and if I did get it everyone would know, which raises gossip and questions that I'm not ready for yet, I didn't want to face all this yet and the thought of doing just that made me uneasy and feel kind of sick.

Bailey called to wish me good luck this morning and hearing her voice really did help me calm down and be able to focus more on the lines and the part. I loved what I did even if it was hectic sometimes and I wanted to make the people in my life proud of me as well, I wanted to be proud of me.

I can't even remember the last time I was actually proud of myself, maybe when I got my first role in a film, but I hated myself even then especially with my father tearing me down every chance he got.

This time, this time it could be different. I would have my mom there to care and her to actually show she cares, I had Bailey to care, I had Kylie to care and I even had Robert to care.

His and my relationship was more than that of just a therapist and patient, he was almost like a father figure to me, trying to help and keep me out of trouble and he told me he planned on staying in touch after I left, I hope that we do, he's a great man.

I sat there waiting and when I was called in I took a deep breath before entering the room, it was the same thing I've done a bunch of times but it's been over six months since I did this and I wasn't sure that I could do it, maybe I was just out of practice and would fail.

No, no I won't I can do this. I gave myself a mental pep talk as they had one of the girls read the lines and I had the script in front of me but I knew I could do this part without the lines. As she talked to me I thought of Bailey as I pretended to be in love with her.

I always liked to throw myself into the character, I loved pretending to be someone like that, I always lost myself a bit in auditions and filming but in a good way and when I was done I had this sense of accomplishment and I always felt like if maybe I could convince myself that I was this person than the audience who watched would think I was too.

They seemed pleased with the audition but they've been doing this a while, they could hate me and are being polite but I knew they knew who I was and I was hoping my name still meant something around here outside of my bubble.

As they studied me I studied them right back, they would send me curious glances, probably wondering what happened to me or where I had been, one of the girls was a director I had worked with before and I knew it was big news at first when I just disappeared and now that I'm back people are curious.

"Thank you Mr. Cole, we'll be in touch." The casting director said

"Thank you all for your time." I gave them a big fake smile and then I left to get some groceries before heading home. I was in the middle of making dinner when my manager called.

"How did it go?" she asked me

"I think it went fine, don't know what the verdict will be." I held the phone against my ear with my shoulder as I continued to cook, something I couldn't even think about doing without catching something on fire before I went to rehab, Bailey and Lacey taught me to cook, Kylie was as useless as I was when it came to culinary skills.

"I think they would be crazy not to take you." she said and I rolled my eyes

"Yeah, okay. You're my manager; you're supposed to say stuff like that."

"Yes, but they can make your return big news which would be publicity for the movie and you're a great actor, you're movies are all high grossing and you can do a song for the movie." She said and I sighed

"I don't want my return to be big news." I mumbled

"Yeah, well you may not have a choice, before you disappeared you just finished filming on a big film and weren't around for the opening events or anything so it's going to make people curious and it will be a lot bigger if there's not other people for them to bother and when they find out about Bailey's brother and parents I'm afraid it may not be containable." She was honest, I liked honest. I liked her better than my other manager, she was their better half for sure.

"He's trying to get traded here." I told her

"And when he becomes a star on an American team it makes her more interesting to people." I groaned in annoyance.

I was simply a person who liked acting, I hated that it meant my life was on display and that people would pry into my life, I was in the spotlight a lot in the past couple years for bad reasons and they're going to know where I was without saying anything and I just wished more than anything that my life was normal.

My mother was going to be brought up, Bailey, my father, brother, her family, it would cause Macy to try to clutch back onto her and it just makes my life and everyone I touches life more difficult.

"We'll get through it, your mother and Bailey are strong people and you will all get through it, after a couple months they'll move on to someone else."

"I hope you're right." I really did, and it was likely it would happen but when my family was involved it made things unbearable for me, even more so than normal. They didn't need to be bothered.

"Now relax kid and enjoy your night." She said and I rolled my eyes again even though she couldn't see me.

"Good night." I told her and she hung up.

I had just finished dinner when my phone rang again and I looked to see Kylie's number, name and face pop up and I was glad she called. I needed someone to talk to and Bailey and I already talked today so I couldn't call again.

"Hey Ky." I sat down with my food

"Hey, are you busy tomorrow?" she asked

"No, audition today, nothing tomorrow, Bailey the next day." I told her

"Good, I need you to meet me in the morning and get fitted for your tux for the wedding, if we don't get this done like yesterday, it's not going to be ready in time."

"Relax, I'll meet you if you send me the place and it's all going to be okay." I'd gotten used to dealing with her wedding freak outs and I knew if I didn't try to contain this she would completely freak out and it wouldn't be good for anyone and poor Caleb would be stuck with her melt down about how the whole wedding is just not going to happen and be horrible.

She was an emotional mess

"Don't take that tone with me." she warned and I winced a little at her tone

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently

"Don't talk to me like I'm an out of control child, when it's your wedding you'll be begging me to calm Bailey down and I'm just going to laugh and make you deal with it. Wedding planning isn't fun Julian!" she yelled and I just took a deep breath

"It's all going to be okay, your wedding is going to be perfect because you're marrying Caleb, that's the most important part, well and that I'll be there."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Julian." She sounded to be doing better but then again, she was an actress and a damn good one at that.

I finished eating and went to bed early because I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't feel like watching TV and I didn't feel like listening or playing music, I haven't played in so long because it felt like it was what destroyed me in a way.

My first movie was one where I had to sing for it, my acting wasn't super great at first but it got better but they loved my voice, I used to love playing guitar but now, I couldn't even bring myself to look at it and my piano was covered.

I laid in bed just thinking about what I had done, that was the worst part about being sober, remembering the horrible things I've done and the girls who stumbled into this same bed with me.

I was getting a new bed tomorrow.

I also decided for some kind of change I would rearrange pretty much everything hoping it would make things different enough so I wouldn't have to look around the room and see everything I had done in my head.

It really bothered me more than I let on; it killed me deep inside and constantly made me question myself.

Was that the kind of guy I am or the kind of guy I was on drugs, am I really that person and the drugs and alcohol just made it easier to be who I wanted to be or an I really a monster like I have been, no morals or standards, no feelings or regard for anyone else.

And then I think of Kylie and Lacey and Bailey and I think that that couldn't be who I really am when I love them so much.

Which brings me back to my father's death and how I felt just nothing but relief, what kind of good person does that, but then I think of my mom and I love her and I would do anything to protect her and then I'm back to thinking I can't be a heartless person.

And then I just get confused.

Who am I?

I'm terrible at being on my own, the times I was with Bailey I used her in a way as a distraction so I wouldn't have to think about all this crap and now that It's just me, myself, and I.

I laid in bed obsessing over everything and decided the only way to really get it all out was to write and decided to start a new journal for when I was out here, and Bailey has mine so I couldn't really write in there.

I laid there and write out everything I was feeling, it was stupid and repetitive and confusing but at least when I was done with it I felt better.

I figured I wasn't a bad person, I just made a lot of mistakes and I'm only twenty-four, am I going to really let a few years of mistakes define the rest of my life?

Am I really going to let what my low life father did define me too?

This isn't even half my life and I felt like it was already over but it's not, I have so much more in me and I'm not going to let it be fucked up even more with drugs.

I want to get married and have kids one day and if I keep going like I was before I went into rehab the only way I'll have kids is by some one night stand and she would probably use me for my money and barley let me see my kid. I want my kids to have a better life than I had and the only way I can make that happen is by marrying someone I love and having a healthy relationship.

I know this but sticking by it would be harder, the pull that cocaine has on me, I'm ashamed to admit that it's strong, maybe stronger than my want for this better future. I'm ashamed that I let things get that bad but I'm more ashamed that even though I know it's wrong I still want to take the easy way out sometimes, I want to relapse because then I don't have to deal with these fucking feelings, I hate feelings.

I want the self-hate to go away. I want to itch for drugs to do away. I want to stop feeling shitty about my past and just forget it but I can't when I'm sober, I'll never be able to erase it and it just feels like it's going to haunt me forever, like it will never get better and when it all comes out it's going to be worse.

People are going to hate me and criticize me, it's not going to matter that I'm clean and sober, it's not going to matter that I want to stay clean, it's not going to matter that I have someone I love, it's not going to matter that I want to get married and have a normal drug free life, they're going to focus on the addiction.

The decision to touch them will haunt me, it will always be there, it's always going to be judged. They exploit your weakness and make them worse, they drive you to just want to do drugs again because it brings up just such horrible memories and I am not ready for it.

I can sit there and say I can do it and get through it and it's nothing, they don't know me and that it's all just lies based off one fact but the truth is it's going to fucking hurt.

It's going to kill me for the world to know what I did and who I was, it's going to kill me when they find out about mom and drag her through this and it's going to kill me when they sit there and slander Bailey. It's not just me that is going to go through it, they don't care about privacy or morals, they're going to do whatever it takes for a story and I feel like I'm ruining everyone I touch.

What if they find out about Kylie?

She's tried so hard to keep under the radar, she doesn't want to face her consequences and she still to this day hasn't dealt with some things, I'm about to do what she was never strong enough to do and I don't  want that to force her into something she isn't ready for.

Maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion and being self-centered, maybe they won't care and they'll leave it alone after a couple weeks, I'm just one freaking person and drug addictions aren't uncommon in Hollywood, maybe I'll just be a little blimp on their radar.

I want to believe that but something tells me it's not going to be that easy, I just hope it is.

The next morning I was up early and out for a run before I took a shower and went to meet Kylie for brunch and then head off to the tux shop.

It was strange seeing her out here, I was so used to being in rehab and having to watch what I said when people were around and trying not to be over friendly with her to raise suspicion but here we could talk freely over a cup of coffee and really just enjoy being together.

Over the years she was always the best friend I could ever have, we've been close since we were kids and we kind of kept in touch when my father forbid her being over, he would try to hurt her too but I took every punch meant for her but one, and mom's sister asked questions so she wasn't allowed over because my father couldn't risk it.

"So how are you doing?" she asked

"I'm okay, I'm kind of a hermit though." I admitted

"Well you can always call or go see your mother you know." She was all smiles today, she was happy and it made me happy.

"I need to make new friends." I told her and she nodded

"Yes, your old ones won't do, try joining a support group for recovering addicts, maybe you can find some there and I'm sure there are other celebrities who are willing to be friends with you, just don't do anything stupid." She told me seriously

"I'm trying not to but honestly, I've thought about it."

"Sleeping around, drugs or alcohol?" she asked

"All of them." I admitted, I couldn't ever admit that to Bailey but with Kylie it was safe.

"If you sleep with another girl she will never forgive you, you know that right. She won't stick around and she won't accept an apology, you will lose her forever and have to live with that and if you relapse I personally won't let her near you because I won't let you drag her or me or Caleb down with you, I'll throw your ass back in rehab before your high even goes away." she threatened and I swallowed hard but nodded

I liked her honesty, it was a reality check to the dark thoughts, it was clear that if I messed up I would lose everyone I loved and have to go through the detox and whole process again but this time without Bailey and Lacey to help me.

I would be alone.

"I'll call if I'm thinking about relapsing and I couldn't actually cheat on her." I hoped what I was saying way true

"That better be true Julian, I'm not going to stand by and watch you keep fucking up your life." she pointed at me sternly like that would magically make it process through my head better.

"Okay, now let's go get this stupid tux done." I paid the bill much to her protest and I wrapped an arm around her as we walked to the shop which was just down the road, it was nice being out with her like this.

"What's going to happen to you if it comes out we're related?" I asked

"I own the damn facility, they can frown at me but they won't say shit because I can fire them and I don't answer to anyone but my father, who knew you were there. Sure I cut you a lot of slack but you're family and I knew that Bailey would be best for you and I knew she wasn't stupid enough to sleep with you after you told me she was a virgin, she's a smart girl." She nudged me with her hip

"That she is, you know I was telling the truth right?" I asked and she shrugged

"If you weren't I don't want to know."

"Ky, we never had sex, hell the only times I've seen her naked were after she hurt herself and couldn't get in and out of the bath and when Lacey, there was so much, bl-blood, and she needed it off her." I said quietly

"So nothing sexual?" she asked

"Well, uh, there was this thing once but it wasn't like, shit." I trailed off and she raised a brow at me

"Julian." She said

"It's nothing bad, clothes were on, my hands stayed in appropriate places as did hers, that's all you need to know." I told her and she laughed

"You know, you're face is a little red, are you blushing?" she cooed and tried to touch my cheeks and I swatted her hand away

"No."

"Is Julian Cole blushing about a girl?" she teased and I admit, I pouted, pretty much like a child and ignored her the rest of the way there and as much as I could while Kylie and I picked out colors and a style for my tux, I only talked to her when she stabbed me with a pin and threatened to do it again if I kept up the silent treatment.

Violent that one is.

They fitted my tux and said it would be ready in three weeks and we headed out so I could see her freaking wedding dress and give my opinion on it, apparently since I was locked up in rehab for months they needed to cram all the wedding details into my brain.

I was told my tux and that was it but I had to see her dress fitting, go with her to finalize the flower arrangements, pay off the venue and then I wanted to freaking bash my head against the wall until I passed out when she made me go pick out linens with her.

She did take pity on me and I came with her to the cake and food tastings with Caleb, he gave me this look of pity when he saw me and I glared at him.

"Sorry man." He said but you could tell he was amused

"I'm never getting married." I complained and he chuckled

"From what I understand you have plans of doing just that with a certain girl that will be here in a couple weeks. Don't worry, I'm sure Kylie will love to help her and maybe you'll have it easy, Bailey seems low maintenance from what I'm told opposed to that one."

"I heard that!" she glared at him and he smiled shyly at her and I had to hold back or I would burst with laugher at how scared he looks right now.

"Whipped." I mumbled

"Shut up, don't act like you aren't." she shot at me "Kylie's scary when she's pissed." he said quietly and looked at her to make sure she didn't hear, she smiled as she talked to the guy and I knew she heard but didn't say anything.

"I'm happy to stand up with you while you sign your soul away." I said loud enough for her to hear and her head whipped around so quick to glare at me I jumped. Yeah he's right, she's scary when she's pissed off.

"Excuse me, do you have something to say to me?" she asked and I just shook my head "Damn right, now stop being an ass." She sent me one last glare before smiling apolitically at the man who was going to bring us food.

"Scary." I whispered and he nodded, weddings turned girls fucking insane and drove men crazy.

The food was good and by the time I made it hope I collapsed in bed and I felt bad because I told Bailey I would call today but I just never got time and I was hoping she wouldn't be mad at me tomorrow, I closed my eyes and fell right to sleep in what I was wearing, not bothering to change.