9. where I can't follow

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"Are you on crack?" her door slammed and her eyes squeezed tight. Grabbing her hand tight on her pencil she pulled in a long breath to calm herself. She knew this was going to come, she honestly expected it to happen sooner.

"Max..."

"When you first told me I thought it was a joke," his tone louder than it normally got with her. "I thought you had some lame fight you two have and it put you both in a grumpy mood. Turns out you seriously broke up with him...what the hell, Ten?"

"Max," she spun in her chair to face him, him honestly wanting to admit she looked like shit. "I love you, but it's not really anyone's business about what goes on in my relationship."

"Oh don't give me that shit," he flipped his hand at her. "All the times you weigh in on my relationships proves I can get into your business. Plus, on top of that I'm not just some friend you've known for a short period of time. I'm your brother, if it involves you it's my business," he pointed out and she knew he was right on that. She was always so protective of him, especially after Molly, that she was always in his business about the girls he...well he didn't date them; she didn't know what they were. "And he is my best friend."

"I know, I know he is, but it's all really complicated," she tried to explain and his brows creased confused.

"Since when?"

"Since I realized Colton and I have been together over five years and I'm the only relationship he has ever had," she pointed out but he still seemed lost. "I mean, yes ok he has had flings and in high school we all know he didn't have many lonely nights but it doesn't change that college are the years when you find out who you are and date and enjoy life. He hasn't done that..."

"He hasn't done that because he doesn't want to do that Tenley. He loves you, he doesn't think twice about the fact he didn't date around."

"He doesn't now, but what about five years from now? Ten? What if one day he wakes up and realizes he didn't experience all these things because of me. He didn't get to know what he truly wanted and didn't want in a relationship because he stayed in the only one he had ever been in," she told him, swearing that in her mind made sense. "Plus, he got offered and incredible internship and admitted he didn't take it because of me," she said and he frowned shaking his head.

"Ten..."

"I don't want that on my mind all the time, Max. And though I hate to admit it Gina makes some amazing points," her voice chipped a little as she twisted her mouth. "I don't want him fighting with his family because of me. I don't want him having to choose between us because that isn't right. When it comes to family there is no choice and I don't want him to miss out on things or do something rash that in a few years he regrets. I want him to do stuff, experience life and ifhe wants to come back to me and figure things out, we will."

"Sounds like your searching Tenley. Searching for anything to break up with him and push him away and that doesn't make sense to me. To anyone. It's like one day you woke up and just decided all this..."

"I've been thinking about this a long time Max," her tone sharp, because she had. She had been playing this back and forth for weeks. "It wasn't just something I woke up one day and decided. I want what is best for him and I want him to not do something because of me. I want him to not do something because he wants that. Otherwise one day he will blame me for things he gave up. If we are supposed to be, we will be whether we break up now or not."

"I don't think it works like that Ten," he walked over and sits down on the edge of her bed. "I get what you're trying to do, I do understand it," he said first because he to a point got it, but didn't mean he agreed. "But it doesn't work like that. You can't just force him to date other people and take some job and pretend to be ok with it. Yes, ok you're the only girl he has dated, but to him that doesn't matter because he got the right girl," he pointed out and she sniffled knocking the tear. "Ten, he isn't handling this well. He needs you..."

"I don't want him resenting me. I don't want his family hating me," her voice broke and she gave a shrug. "I want him happy and I just...I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so tired of trying to prove I deserve him. I just want him to do all the things they expect him to do and things I know he can do."

"Ten..." his tone clear and she knew exactly what he thought about her mindset right now. However it didn't change her mind. Nothing was worse than walking into a room knowing no one thought you belonged there. "You love him..."

"I'm always going to love him," she told him because that wasn't even in questioned to her. "But I need him to do this. I need him to not give up his life for me, because everyone knows if it wasn't for me he would have left this shit town years ago."

"Maybe, but you can't just decide his life for him, Ten. Just because in your mind you think breaking up with him will magically make him do all these things, doesn't mean he will do it. Plus, you are hurting him. You honestly think his family will welcome you back with open arms when it's all said and done? What if this logic is right? What if he goes off to D.C or New York or I don't know damn Arizona and works and lives and all of a sudden meets someone," he shots that angle and she tried the best she could not to show the pain that would cause her. "What then Tenley?"

"Then...then I guess he and I weren't meant to be..."

"All the shit you two have been through together and you honestly think that?" he questioned, not trying to hurt her feelings but just trying to understand. Yes of course he got the whole family thing. He knew how hard it was on her to think his family hated her, but it wasn't his family. It was Gina and a few cousins and one Great Aunt. People who honestly didn't know her and didn't know how good she was to him, and didn't understand just how crazy Colton was about her. "Ten, he is hurting and he doesn't think you love him anymore..." he told her when she didn't answer his question and she bit hard on her lip.

"If that's what he has to think to go, then...then I have to let him think that."

"I just don't understand," he shook his head. "You say you love him, you say you don't want him hurting but youare the one doing all that. You keep preaching it's complicated but it's really not. You love him, you be with him. And if he truly loves you then he won't ever hate you or resent you or anything you think. He is a big boy Tenley. He makes his own choices and if you are so damn worried he will miss out on some great opportunity then you sacrifices and move your ass wherever the hell he goes."

"Max..."

"Nothing is keeping you here," he stood up to leave. "But if you are just going to be so cowardly and take the easy way out because you're tired of trying to prove you deserve him, well maybe you two aren't supposed to be. But trust me, I can promise you that being noble and letting him go because you think it's what is best for him is shit. I've been there Ten, I didn't fight for my relationship because I thought we were young and should experience life and dating. Now she is engaged to someone else..."

"Maxie..."

"Think about that, because I can promise you, you wouldn't deal well him being with someone else. I can also assure you that the pain you feel the first time you hear that news, doesn't ever go away."

"It's complicated..." she repeated and he let out a dry laugh shaking his head.

"So you keep saying..." he rolled his eyes and moved toward the door. "But I honestly think you're lying and just so damn scared of it all. What I have no clue..." he walked out and slammed the door and she pulled in a long breath.

"Damn it," she released out in a broke sob and dropped on her bed. Hating no one got it, no one would get it. And she really didn't know how to explain it.

Tossing the ball up in the air, he caught it as it fell back down. Doing it over and over as he laid on his bed thinking. It had been almost a two weeks, since his girlfriend broke up with him and he still wasn't sure how to handle it.

She wouldn't talk to him, not really. And if she did she would just cry swearing he didn't do anything wrong and she was sorry. It didn't make sense to him. If he didn't do anything wrong and she was sorry then why didn't she just take him back? He had been spending every moment this week trying to replay back the past few weeks. Tried to recall when she flipped, when she changed around him and what he had done leading up to that to make that happen. But he really couldn't come up with anything. Yeah, sometimes they would bicker but that was couples. They were two different people of course they wouldn't agree on everything. However, even when they were fighting she was still telling him she loved him, still making plans for their future and being with him in every sense of the world. Hell, the morning before she broke up with him they slept together. If she was going to break up with him, stopped loving him why would she do that? Why not just push him away and not sleep with him. It was baffling to him.

"Fuck..." he tossed the ball to the side and ran his hands over his face. Grabbing his phone beside him to see she once again ignored the text message he had sent her. He never felt like this before, he didn't know it was possible to feel like this. He didn't know how to explain it other than the feeling of something missing, of almost being lost and like someone was stabbing him in the chest over and over again.

He never had his heart broken before, but if this was what one consisted of it sucked ass and he never wanted to feel it again.

Rolling from his bed he grabbed his wallet off the dresser and slipped his phone in his pocket. Slipping on some shoes he opened his bedroom door and headed down the steps, hearing his friends talking and laughing as he entered the room.

"Hey man," Darren sat up on the couch to look at his cousin. "Nice to see you are alive," he tried to joke, swearing he hadn't seen him all week. Other than going to practice and sometimes class, he had just kept himself locked into his room. Even his roommates commented how they would go a couple days not seeing him and they lived together.

"Yeah," he walked past the group and over to search for his keys.

"Whatcha looking for?" Hannah wondered, honestly feeling her heart hurt as she looked at her friend. Colton came across tough, and honestly he really was, but there was also this vulnerable side to him that seemed to pop up when Tenley was involved. She knew over the years the young brunette loved him but she would swear to anyone it wasn't half of the way the blonde loved her. He held her on this high pedestal that swore she never did wrong. He on many occasions stated she was his perfect girl. That being so, she could only imagine the pain he was experiencing right then.

Ignoring them some he yanked open a drawer and blinked quickly at the object inside. Picking it up to stare at it and Hannah didn't like the look on his face.

"Colt..." she spoke and moved over toward him. Frowning at the picture he was staring at. It wasn't anything major, just a photo she had actually snapped on a trip they took last year to the mountains. They had done it every year since their senior year of high school, was actually supposed to go in a few weeks. But while on the trip Colton had taken Tenley out on the balcony to watch the snow fall and randomly pulled her close and started to dance with her. It wasn't something people saw often, but in their moments of it being just them it happened on many occasions. But she was grinning up at him while his head rested against hers and he grinned down at her and Hannah just caught it in time to snap it. Colton rolled his eyes at the photo; Tenley swore it was her favorite they had ever taken.

In that moment he actually thought about burning it.

"Whatcha looking for buddy?" she repeated hating the pain that flashed through his eyes. Watching him swallow hard before clearing his throat and putting the photo back into the drawer.

"I need my keys..." he mumbled and ran his sleeve under his nose. "I umm..." he glanced around the room at everyone looking at him. "Fuck..." he let out a dry laugh and turned back from them, not wanting to see all the pity looks he was receiving.

"Want to go somewhere?" Hannah suggested with a slight shrug.

"Yeah," he nodded going somewhere sounding real good. He didn't want to be here anymore. Everything in his house reminded him of her and it was driving him mad.

"Ok, let's go," she grabbed her keys off the counter and her purse from the couch. "We'll be back later," she pressed a kiss to Darren's lips before grabbing her shoes. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah..." Colton stood a moment before glancing up at his friend. Lee's eyes focused on his phone and his brows creased to who he was talking to. His friend had been so weird with him lately that he couldn't figure it out.

"Ok," Hannah looped her arm through his and tugged him out of the apartment. "Where do you want to go?"

"Honestly?" he raised a brow and she nodded, knowing wherever he wanted to go and whatever he wanted to do she was on board with.

"Oh..." Hannah held her hand to her mouth and cringed. "That was...eww..." she shivered and he for the first time in days chuckled.

"Most are," he shot back the clear liquid and felt it burn all the way down. "But the way they make you feel is pretty awesome..."

"Which way is that?" she wondered, knowing since they arrived at this small bar he hadn't talked much. He more just ordered them a drink, the bartender seeming to know him pretty well, and then shot back shot after shot.

"Numb," he mumbled against the rim of the glass before throwing another back.

"Working through the pain?" she wondered and he cleared his throat as he held his finger up for another drink. "Colton..." she touched his arm and he glanced down, peeling the label off his empty beer bottle. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really," he admitted. "Thanks," he took the new beer and took a long sip.

"Miss her?" she asked but knew it was a dumb question. She just didn't know how to go about talking to him about it. Colton was not a feelings person, he didn't talk about them, he didn't show them, he just was how he was. Which didn't shock her much that during the last couple weeks he more just shut himself off from everyone.

"Yeah..." he answered after a long moment and against started to toy with the label. "I just..." he pulled in a long breath and slowly released it. "For the last five years she has been my constant. No matter what happened I saw her and talked to her every day and when the day was shit she listened to me bitch and when something great happened she was the first one I call and now...now I don't know what to do," his voice cracked a little and Hannah felt pressure build in her eyes. "I mean...she has to come back to me, right?" he turned to face her and she felt the tear slip down her cheek.

"Yeah," she reached to touch his cheek, swearing she saw his eyes start to glaze over and not from the alcohol. "Yeah, I think she will..."

"I don't know what I did. She won't talk to me. She just seems so empty and I don't know why. I'm supposed to know what is going on with her. I'm supposed to know her better than anyone and I can tell something isn't right but I can't figure out what."

"She loves you Colton, I know she does. However, she is scared. You two have been together so long and she...she's afraid you are giving things up because of her. She is scared one day you're going to resent her."

"Why? Why would I ever do that?"

"I don't know Colton; I can't figure it out myself."

"Do you think she is cheating on me?" he asked the question that had been racing through his mind all week. "Do you think she cared about someone else and is too afraid to just tell me that?"

"I..." she opened her mouth to answer but snapped it back shut. She didn't think Tenley was cheating...or cheated. She didn't want to think she was but...but she was acting so weird and defensive with everything she had no clue. Plus in the last two weeks she had completely seemed to cut herself out of all their lives. Other than talking to Lee, she just seemed to shelter herself from everyone.

"You think she is..."

"She loves you Colton," she told him quickly. Hoping her silence didn't send him into a panic. "She has a lot going on but she does love you."

"Well she has a great way of showing it," he tipped back his drink. Honestly at this point wanting to drink the whole damn bar if it would get him to get her off his mind for even five minutes.

Shuffling his feet up the steps, he fiddled with the keys in his hand as he slumped against the wall by the door. Closing one eye he widened the other as he studied the key hoping it was the right one.

Weaving side to side he slipped the key into the lock and gave a small cheer of excitement when he realized he found the right one and it slowly clicked open. Opening the door to the dark room, he stumbled inside and shut it behind him. Knocking off his shoes, he stripped from his pants and shirt as he climbed up in the bed beside the small figure, slipping under the warm sheets, her feet felt like ice as they touched his and he tugged the sheet over him.

"Colton?" he felt her stir in the dark room when his lips touched her bare shoulder. Flipping over, her heart pounded in her chest to find the blonde boy. "What are you doing?" she questioned confused to why he was there in her room.

"I miss you," he slurred a bit, brushing her hair from her face. "And I haven't slept in almost two weeks...."

"Colton..." she frowned, knowing he always had issues sleeping alone. Ever since high school, if she wasn't beside him he just didn't sleep. He would toss and turn all night and once he got his own place she swore he slept alone maybe two times a month. And those two times he just accepted he wouldn't sleep and wait for her the next day.

"I just lay there...thinking about you...missing you...wanting you..." he wiggled closer and her heart pounded hard in her chest.

"Colton...please..." she pleaded, feeling his hand graze up her leg making her shiver. "You're drunk..." she placed her hand on his chest, trying to push him back some.

"So?" he tried to raise a brow but in his state it really not doing much. "Doesn't mean I'm lying..."

"I know you aren't lying..." she nodded because he wasn't. She didn't doubt he missed her. "But you can't do this...you can't just drink yourself stupid..."

"Why not?" his anger flickered through him. "My girlfriend broke up with me and is giving me a dumb ass reason for it," he hissed and her gaze dropped. "If drinking is the only way I can force myself to half understand it, that's what I'll do..."

"I don't want you doing this," she frowned, taking his hand and stroking the cuts along his knuckles. Them looking a lot better than they did a week ago.

"Then take me back and I won't..." he shrugged like it was so simple.

"Colton..." she frowned, leaning her head to rest against his. "I wish it was that easy..."

"It is..."

"It isn't," her voice cracked and she shook her head. "It's the furthest from that easy..."

"I don't understand Tenley...what

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