Curiosity. Shame. Anger. Lust.

What I was feeling was a mixture of all these emotions. My thoughts were all in a jumble. I was trying hard to understand what happened between us last night.

I am an adult woman. I have never been sexually touched by a man. I was sexually aroused last night in the library and it is completely normal. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Every woman goes through that phase. It happens in their early teens. Since I was held back from all these things, I never understood my body and my needs.

Nikolai is a good-looking man and the first man in my life I have been attracted to. My body reacts to him of its own accord. I am not ashamed to say that I liked it, I liked his kisses, I liked his touch and I want to feel all that again maybe even more. I wanted him to touch me down there, my core ached for his touch.

I paced back and forth in my room, I needed to talk to Nikolai. I wanted to feel all that again and I want to feel his rough hands against my skin. I want him and only him to touch me in that way. 

There was something just so arousing about his hand that wrapped around my neck, his grip on my hair, his roughness with a hint of gentleness as he grabbed me and pulled me into him.

With my mind made up, I walked straight to his study. It was early evening, I don't know if he was even at home. I knocked on the door and waited. I knocked again and the door was flung open by Scott.

He glared at me and then his eyes traveled to my neck, where they lingered. I know what he was looking at, I had slight bruising on my neck from where Nikolai had kissed and bit me last night. It didn't hurt and it was completely visible for anyone to see. For some reason, I wanted to hide it but I didn't know how to, I would have searched the internet but I still don't have my cellphone. He scowled staring at my neck before his heated gaze landed back on my face.

"What the fuck do you want?"

I took a shaky breath. "I want to see Nikolai"

"He's busy" saying that, he almost shut the door but I placed my hand over it, stopping him.

"When will he get free?"

"I have no fucking idea"

"I really need to talk to him---" I was in the middle of my sentence when he slammed the door shut.

Giving up, I turned to go back to my room. I really needed my cell phone back. I was getting bored out of my mind. I wandered here and there, read a book, and practiced ballet like I used to do with my mom. I even helped the kitchen maids prepare the meals. Although they were intimidated by my presence and told me I don't have to do this, I still insisted on helping because anything was better than doing nothing.

Nikolai left the house with a few of his men and now I was alone. The entire household staff took off one by one. An eerie silence spread throughout the estate.

I wandered to the pool and then an idea hit me. Instead of doing nothing, I should try to learn to swim. I ran back to my room and changed into pink swimwear. I tied my hair in a bun on top of my head and made my way to the pool.

Nikolai's pool wasn't a deep one, but still deep enough to drown me. It was filled with glittering water clear as the sky, not murky anywhere. The water was so calm it looked like I could walk onto it, without getting wet.

Mustering up some courage, I put a single foot into the cold water. I hesitated for a moment, wondering how cold the water was, then slowly slid my entire body into the pool, diving in. I gave my body time to adjust to the cool water. I didn't panic or thrashed my arms around this time, I calmly moved my limbs, and slowly waded through the water. Frigid water rushed over my body, taking the heat away from my skin.

I sloppily and freely swam around, it was fun,  exhilarating. I swam until my muscles started to ache. I found the nearest ladder and reaching up to grab the warm silver metal, I jumped out of the pool.

I sat on the edge of the pool listening to an old radio which I found in the library, playing unrecognizable music. I moved my head along the beat not understanding a word the singer was singing.

I picked up the old radio and got to my feet. I turned and gasped as I saw Nikolai leaning against the wall behind me. He was smoking his cigar while looking at me through the smoke.

Light stubble covered his jaw, and his hair was as dark as his suit. He was intimidating, with an overpowering presence and a constant glare that burned into my skin.

His eyes shamelessly took in every inch of my body. He flicked his half-smoked cigar onto the ground and snuffed it out with his shiny shoe.

I was aware of the heat that crept up on my skin just by his presence. I tucked a loose wet strand behind my ear as I smiled at him.

"Hi..."

He didn't say anything, he just kept looking at me with a stone-cold face, almost as if he doesn't like what he is looking at. Was he not attracted to me as much as I was attracted to him? Was I even good-looking according to people? I have no idea.

He stalked towards me and I didn't step back. I stayed in my spot until he was so close that I found it difficult to even breathe.

"I wanted to talk to you..." I whispered

His voice darkened. "About what?"

"About what happened last night..."

He tilted his head to the side. "And what did happen last night, Evangeline?"

Evangeline? I was back to Evangeline. I don't know I kinda liked it when he called me an angel last night. My cheeks heated up, a blush crept up my body as I looked into his bluish-grey eyes. He knew what I was talking about...

"I like that..." I blurted out with a smile.

I know I was being bold but I had to say it because all this frustration will kill me. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, I was attracted to Nikolai and I wanted to explore my sexuality. I was an adult woman and most of the girls my age were way too experienced than me in this department.

"You liked what?" he questioned, amused.

I was new to this, coming to terms with my feelings. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to tell him that without humiliating myself.

"Nikolai, I…" I didn't know how to express my thoughts to him, or how to tell him about my yearnings. I’m overwhelmed with something, I don't know. Maybe, I love Nikolai, that's why it's all so confusing and I have become so needy.

Nikolai stood still and watched me with nothing but indifference. It scared me how emotionless he can be most of the time, it scared me to tell him what I want.
"Nikolai, I want to…"

I was looking for words to say it. How to let it slip from my lips. Intercourse? Sex?

So, I said the only word that sounded less intimidating and more romantic, I think.

"I want you to make love to me"

His face gave nothing away as I watched him with anticipation, with need.

"There's no such thing as making love, Angel" his voice was gravelly low, deep.

Angel... that word relaxed my nerves.

"I want you... please"

The corner of his lip tugged upwards. "You have no idea what you're asking for"

I stepped closer to him, my breast brushed against his suit. "How would I know if you don't tell me anything? I want to explore my sexuality. What if I am gay?"

He chuckled... Nikolai Costello laughed at me and then shook his head like I was being ridiculous. "And you want to use me for it?" he asked looking down at me.

Getting on my tiptoes, I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I want you to touch me like you did last night..." I breathed on his lips. My breasts tightened in anticipation and drops of water tingled as they trickled down my stomach.

His warm rough hand gripped my hip bone from one side. His fingers slightly played with the thin, strappy waistband of my swimwear bottom. I couldn’t breathe when he leaned in, his voice low against my ear. "I don't grant sexual favors to little girls"

With his hand on my hip bone, he jerked me back from him, leaving a visible gap between us. He turned to go back inside the house, leaving me alone by the pool.

My muscles grew tense. He did it again, he humiliated me again. He can't just kiss me and touch me all over just because he wants to and then be cold and indifferent when I ask for it.

He needs to make a decision, either tell me why he is confusing me like this or let me live my life the way I want.

"You won't let me go back to college." I started and he halted in his steps just as he was in the doorway. "You don't want me to have a boyfriend. I can't even talk to another guy without your permission"

With his back facing me, I heard him take a deep breath in.

"If you don't want me then let me go. Let me live my life! I'm about to turn nineteen in a few months, I'm not a little girl anymore. If you don't want to help me with this, I will find someone who will!"

In a second, he turned and stalked toward me in a predatory manner. His hand came around my neck in a sudden and rough grip, he pulled my body against his. My breath got caught up in my throat, goosebumps rose on my skin. I looked to the side as he breathed against my cheek heavily. A low growl-like sound left his lips like he was furious and wanted to eat me alive.

"If you let another man touch you, Evangeline. I will cut off his fucking hands and hang them on your bedroom wall" he threatened against my cheek.

I was on my tiptoes, for balance I held onto his strong, muscled arms. "Why?" I breathed out.

I practically threw myself at him and he turned me down but why can't he let me go?

"You are mine, Evangeline. Do I need to remind you of that?" he threatened, a hard edge to his voice.

"Then why won't you touch me?" I asked

"I don't want you to regret this after I am done with you"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Regret what?"

He let go of my neck and I immediately turned my face to look him in the eyes. My hands clutched his shirt tightly in fists, so, he won't get away from but I don't think he wants to step back either because my strength is nothing compared to his. He can easily push me back and walk away if he wants to.

"I'm not a good man, Evangeline. I'm not the kind of man you want to be involved with"

I shook my head, I know he was talking about his mafia, his lifestyle. "I don't care about that, I don't care about any of that!"

He sighed. "You are a little girl. You will fall in love. There's no place in my life for... love."

The way he said made it sound like it was difficult for him to even utter the word like he was disgusted about the idea of being in love.

I really thought I shared a true love kiss with him but I shook the thought away.

"I won't ask you to love me" I whispered.

"Are you sure about that, Angel?"

I nodded. "Yes... I just want to know what it feels like"

A slight smile stretched over his lips. "So, you want me to fuck you without any strings attached?"

I didn't know what he meant by the strings but I nodded nonetheless. "Yes, I just want you to make me feel like a woman..." my words come out in a single breath. There was a charge between us, a current of heat. My body has never surrendered to another human before.

For a second there I thought that I was falling in love with Nikolai but now I understood, that this was nothing but a primal, animalistic need of my body.

Nikolai's lips stretch into a sinister smile. "My little angel has grown wings"

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