Nova

Bad habits are things we all carry. Each one is a burden.

Some people bite their nails, some leave laundry on the floor, and some don't do laundry at all. And some people have a net of bad habits they constantly get caught in.

I happen to be one of those people.

My bad habits flow throughout the day. A mixture of shit I can control and choose not to, and shit I have no control over.

My first bad habit is hitting snooze too many times. I groan in annoyance as the alarm screeches. Hitting snooze, I drift off again, but not even 10 seconds later, the stupid alarm starts ringing again

I make the mistake of fully opening my eyes. Great! Now I won't be able to fall back asleep.

I blink a few times, getting used to being awake. Then I pick up my phone and start going through the notifications. Another bad habit. One that I have no intention of breaking.

I read a few boring emails from work and go through texts from my friends. Then, I slowly rise out of bed and walk into the kitchen to make coffee.

The brown drug has become my life support over the many withering years. Every time I start my day without coffee, I end up in a horrid mood and get upset at the smallest inconveniences.

It's bad.

It's not an addiction but, I can't say it's not a problem. Another habit I don't plan on fixing.

I slowly put the coffee pod into the coffee machine- which happens to be the only thing I use in my kitchen- and watch as the hot liquid streams into the mug.

I prefer iced coffee but have no energy to make it, so I settle on hot and black.

When I take a sip, the bitter flavor coats my tongue, and the heat burns my throat. It's too overpowering for me, but I don't put it down.

Slowly drinking the coffee, I absentmindedly stare out of the window in my kitchen.

It's my most favorite view. It also happens to be the strangest one, as it overlooks an alley between my apartment and the building next door- where every morning, a flock of birds gathers to feed on whatever trash is on the floor.

I have given each of the birds a name, even though it's most likely not the same flock of birds every day. I always forget the names, so I have to change them every day. Those birds have come to be part of my everyday routine.

Normally, there's Quinn- a total bird-bitch. There's Gary- a total sweetheart. Elliot- who is lowkey a player. And there's Celia- she's the mom of the group.

However, today, I can't focus on any of them. Last night constantly replays in my head.

I keep thinking about what would have happened if Theo had said something to me last night. What would he say? What did I want him to say?

Sorry.

I wanted him to say sorry. I had known that much for the last few years.

Would I have forgiven him?

No. I would have told him to choke on his dick.

But he'd have to find it first.

Did he even remember me? Probably not. I wish she didn't remember him. I hadn't even said his name out loud in years.

I wondered if it would still taste the same on my tongue. Would it sound the same? Would it make me feel the same warm feeling?

No.

I refused to believe that anything would be the same. I was a different person now. Surely so was he.

I believe I have grown, and when you grow, some things just don't taste the same anymore.

I can't drink any more of the bitter poison, so I pour it out and set the mug into the pile of dishes I don't plan on doing anytime soon.

Then, I put on some music and jump into the shower- making sure the shower is at a boiling point.

I have always loved taking burning hot showers. They make me feel extra clean afterward, and I needed that today.

Washing my hair and body feels like washing away last night, and I relish every second of the euphoria it brings me.

I want to wash away last night; I want to wash away the tears, the memories of him.

I know I can't.

Things like that stay. Like a shameful tattoo, but I can pretend. Pretend that it's every memory of him that runs down my body, and down the drain, instead of soap suds.

I turn off the shower and stay standing for a few seconds. Letting the water drops slide down my body, let it seep into my skin.

I wrap a soft white towel around my wet body.

Dry my skin, and then moisturize.

I'm the kind of person who has to moisturize immediately after a shower, otherwise, I feel too strange in my own skin.

Then, I start drying her hair. My hair is naturally wavy, and if I don't properly take care of it, it tends to dry half straight and half wavy.

My hair used to be very long- down to my back, but I wanted to change something about myself when I started college.

I considered getting a tattoo or a piercing, but those were too big of commitments, so instead, I settled on something simple like cutting my hair. I have kept it short since then.

I finish my hair and walk into my closet to choose what to wear.

I have a bit of a problem with shopping, so I never have enough space in my closet. It's another bad habit, and I plan on working on it... soon.

I decided to go with denim high-rise jeans, a brown sweater, and a brown plush cardigan coat, adding a faux leather bag to accessorize.

The outfit was simple, and it would keep me warm. Plus, I wasn't in the mood to style a full outfit.

I stare at my body in the clothes. This is a common bad habit: making myself insecure over insignificant things- I don't know how to change this one.

I let out an annoyed sigh when I hear my phone buzzing.

It's Tony.

"Hey, T," I say, walking back to my bathroom.

"Hey, I'm gonna be there soon to pick up my car."

"Okay."

"How did it go with the man from the bar?" I ask in a suggestive voice.

"I'm seeing him tomorrow night," Tony says, casually.

I hated when Tony did that. She was always so casual about everything, and it got annoying when you were trying to have an exciting conversation.

"What!? Are you serious?" I practically yell.

"I'll tell you everything later."

"I expect it!" I exclaim before hanging up.

I find ways to vicariously live through Tony when it comes to dating. I have a huge fear of commitment, but at the same time, I get attached to people too easily.

Another bad habit- I have a lot if you can't tell.

I didn't want a relationship, anyways. I was doing good on my own for the first time, and I wanted it to stay like that. I liked being independent, and every relationship I had ever been in took that away from me.

That was an excuse. Of course, I wanted a relationship!

Someone. I just wanted someone.

But, it was easier said than done. I feared it almost as much as I wanted it. I didn't like being held because it could feel suffocating. And I didn't want to rely on someone because I would have someone relying on me too.

My last relationship was toxic and one-sided. I wasn't ready for it when I got in it, and the next time I decide to have a relationship, I want to be 100 percent sure.

So yes, it was easier to listen to someone else rant about their issues with dating rather than experiencing it yourself.

I tied my hair into a loose high ponytail, my curtain bangs framing my face. My hair was still damp, but I didn't mind.

Then, I put on block-heeled, brown, Mary Janes I got while thrifting. Next, I looked around my kitchen trying to find Tony's keys.

I looked through the kitchen drawers, my T.V. stand, bookshelves, couch, and my room. But, I found them in the kitchen drawers... where I had already looked.

I was so great at being thorough!

I didn't own a car. I would get one soon, but there was no point in having a car when you lived in New York. There was the subway, there were taxis, and I didn't mind walking during the summers.

Sometimes I would borrow Tony's car, but there was never a constant need for me to have my own.

I decided to grab a bowl of strawberries for breakfast while I waited. I was never a big breakfast person, I don't know why. I like breakfast foods, but it was too much of a hassle trying to make something every morning. If I did get breakfast, I got it at work.

Tony came a few minutes later.

I almost told her about who I bumped into last night, but telling someone made it feel fully real, and I was still in some form of denial.

That was another bad habit. I would get annoyed when Tony was too casual about everything, but I didn't even tell Tony anything.

Tony knew about Theodore and what he had done to me. Tony was one of the first people I told.

I would tell Tony about the nightclub... soon.

I couldn't avoid it forever, but I could hold it off, so that was what I would do. It wasn't like I was going to see him again.

Tony talked about her latest story. Some piece about a new Broadway show. It didn't sound interesting, but I knew that it would be amazing when Tony finished it.

The two of us walked out together, and Tony offered to drive me to work, but I felt like taking the subway, so I declined.

We said our goodbyes, and I started walking to the subway.

Something about taking the subway was so euphoric to me. Sometimes it was complete chaos but, at the right times, it was charming in its own way.

I also loved people-watching, and the subway was the best place to do that.

There were so many different people, with so many different stories.

Some people sat alone with a bored expression. Some sat with friends or families, and you could usually tell that they were just tourists.

There was something so beautiful about seeing so many people come into the same place for the same purpose, but with a different reason.

There were also creepy people, but, in the mornings, you didn't see so many of them.

My most memorable encounter was one of the first times I rode the subway. It was a girl, who sat next to me when I was riding back home from the law firm, and the girl just started talking to me.

I had found it odd at first.

Then, the girl told me about how she ran away when she was 15 and came to New York to pursue her dream of becoming a musician. She said she had recently started recording music, and she gave me a C.D. Of her songs.

Yes, a C.D.

I had to use Tony's car to listen to it.

I never saw the girl again, but I did listen to her songs, and one day, a few months ago- I heard one on the radio as a top 10 on the charts.

I knew I would never forget her.

I got past the metro and sat in my seat.

More people started filling in the seats, and I watched as tourists looked at maps and took pictures. Some performers were playing softly to my left. Some people were talking on the phone, and others were completely silent.

The city is loud, but we were all used to the noise.

When I first moved, I had many restless nights. I missed the stars, and I missed the slowness and candor of the country.

But, at one point, all of the noise became a second thought, and I slowly found comfort in it.

It made me feel less alone. Maybe that was why I liked having background noise constantly playing.

I listened to the performers. They played quiet versions of songs I didn't recognize, and I could tell they were practicing for something. A show? An audition? I wanted to ask but I also didn't want to intrude.

Sometimes, I wished I had a Polaroid camera. There were so many moments I wanted to trap in a picture and keep with me, but I guess that takes away from the beauty of something. If you have access to something beautiful whenever you want, it stops being beautiful.

The performers were all girls. Each of them had a different aesthetic, and they were all gorgeous. The kind of beauty that could be a form of art.

If I had the guts, I would ask one of them for their number. I didn't have the guts, though, so when my stop came, I complimented them before walking off.

---

The walk to the law firm from the subway was quick.

Emmerson Law Firm. The building was a tall skyscraper. There were 25 floors.  I had been working here for almost a year, and I still got lost.

I stared at the many squares of tinted glass windows and wondered if someone was looking at me through one. I hoped it was anybody but my boss.

Walking into the grand building, I made sure to look like I belonged at a high-power, important building. I greeted Amy- the receptionist at the front desk.

"Hey, Nova!" Amy greeted with too much energy.

"Hey," I answered, less enthusiastically.

"Mae wants to see you, A.S.A.P.," Amy said with a warning tone.

I nodded. I knew what that meant. Mae probably wasn't pleased today. I took the elevator to Mae's floor.

Mae- my boss, was a bit temperamental at times. I was lucky Mae liked me, and she considered me a friend, but Mae knew how to switch from a friend to a boss quickly.

She was like an angry transformer chihuahua.

Mae was loud, blatant, and didn't take any shit. She was a strong leader and a great boss, but she was also very unmerciful at times.

I stepped onto her floor and walked to Mae's office. The entire floor was rushing. High-heels were clacking on the white tile floors, the smell of coffee was strong in the air, and the sound of papers flipping and machines whirring blurred in the background.

I smiled back at the few people who bothered to acknowledge me as they rushed.

When I stopped outside of Mae's office, I took a deep breath and knocked. Mae's assistant hurriedly opened the door and revealed a flustered-looking Mae. Her black hair was thrown up in a messy bun, her black pantsuit coat strewn over the back of her chair.

Her office smelt like straight coffee beans, and her phone was ringing.

She groaned before picking it up. She said a string of 'Uh-huh's' before slamming the office phone back.

Then, she looked at me and smiled as if the world around us wasn't falling into chaos, and said, "Cute coat!"

A nervous smile took over my lips, and I said, "Thanks?"

"I've had 10 cups of coffee today," Mae stated, a crazy smile still on her lips.

She looks insane.

My eyes widened. I walked deeper into her office and heard the assistant close the door behind me. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was only 9:00 in the morning. Sweet Jesus.

"Is it that bad?" I asked.

"So bad!" Mae exclaimed while throwing off her heels and slumping into her office chair.

"How can I help?" I ask, unsure if Mae will let me do anything.

Since I'm just an intern, sometimes when it's really bad and nothing too important is happening, Mae will just send me back home. Part of me hopes for that today, but I also really want a distraction.

Mae, without any hesitation, quickly flips open her planner and looks through the schedule for the day, and I relax when I see her eyes light up. Mae looks at me and offers a pitying smile.

I would normally be concerned, but I don't think I care. Just as long as I can get my mind off of last night.

"I want you to take my place at a meeting," Mae says, carefully.

"The meeting starts at 10:30 and is at Black Corp. offices. I just need you to sit in and represent Emmerson. Put in your input and take notes on their policies. You will have to speak, so I'll have Darlene give you my notes-" Mae snaps her fingers twice, and her assistant starts to go through a filing cabinet- "You have to make us look good. The goal is to influence Black corp. Into partnering with us."

I nod, pretending to understand a single word that left Mae's mouth. I take the heavy stack of papers Darlene hands me.

Everything is moving so fast and I wonder if I can pull something like this off.

Mae finishes telling me what I need to know, and my nerves raise when Mae mentions that the person leading the meeting is the CEO of Black corp.

Greeaaaatttt.

I don't know much about Black corp. I know that they are very influential and one of the most important corporations, and that's about all.

Emmerson is the most prestigious Law firm in all of New York; we represent many public figures and regular people. We cover every type of practice, and we have a lot of creditable corporations who already represent us, but from what I know, Black Corporation is better than them all.

I keep this information in mind as I walk out of Emmerson. I hail a cab and slip in.

The cab ride is 20 minutes- enough time for me to go over Mae's notes.

When the cab stops outside of the building, I pay the cabbie and turn towards the large building. If I had thought Emmerson was large, this building was double that size.

----------------------------------------------------—

Nova's Fit:

(Unedited)

Hey guys! What do we think?

I know this chapter was a little bland but you get to know more about Nova. I promise the next chapter is a lot more interesting!

I should be able to get the next chapter out sometime this weekend. Just busy with school atm (:

How are you btw? I hope you're well and if not, feel free to talk to me.

I love you so much and if you read this, I want to thank you. 

So, thank you haha! <33

- Kay